I think I screwed everything up.

I'm not really one to post stuff like this, so bear with me.

Me and this woman have been friends for about 16 years, since.we were 13 or 14 years old. There was definitely something between us for a while there, but nothing ever came of it.

We are so alike it's rediculous, she is pretty much me with sexy lady parts. We are in to the same music,.movies, science, generally weird gross stuff and drinking a lot.

Over the past 10 years or so, I only got to see her once or twice a year, but we always made sure we got to spend a at least one day together. I always wanted to try to move our relationship forward, but I was never around and 3,0000 miles away. I didn't think it would be fair to her to ask her to have such a long distance relationship, or to just drop everything and run away with me.

Now, neither of us are sappy, lovey, feely people. In fact how I feel about her is pretty much the last feeling I have left. I am generally a very callous and cold person.

Anyway, the past year we have been talking almost every day via text or phone. Then I found out that I would soon be working in a place not too far from her, and I would be able to see.her every weekend if I wanted to.

So I thought this would be the perfect time to discuss our relationship.

Here is the big fail part.

Basically we were talking and having a few drinks, and I told her she was the smartest, most beautiful, awesome person I have ever met. At first she tried to just ignore what I had said, so I asked if she was ignoring it, she said she felt awkward, I told her I did too. She told me she doesn't really have feelings, I told her I usually don't either, except when I'm with her. She told me to stop, and not get weird.

That was about the end of it. I am pretty sure I went about it in completely the.wrong.way. But hey my brain turns to crap when I'm around her.

She is still talking to me via text every few days about banal stuff. I do not intended on giving up, but I don't want to be overbearing either.

Thoughts? Advice?

Next time your with her start looking at other women, if it dont work then forget it.

reply to post by watchitburn


you've been in the friend category for ages

dont expect it to change

dont ruin your friendship for your selfish desires

reply to post by watchitburn


Sorry man, but you have been friendzoned. And there aren't really any good answers for a friendzoning that will work out in your favor. It is possible to get unfriendzoned - but it takes a lot of work and luck. The downfall here is that even if you do get into a relationship with her, she will be prone to always having some level of resentment over the fact that she "lost a friend".

And, trust me, it's not a good life when the person you love starts crying, out of the blue, and then tells you "Now, when we break up, we will never be friends again. I hate that you wanted more and destroyed a valuable friendship with me...."

This is the voice of experience talking. Friendzone her and find a new woman to crush on - as hard as that is. Anything else will likely lead to heartbreak.

~Heff

You've been friend zoned, unfortunately... I know you don't want to hear it, but once you're in there, there is no coming out from what I have seen. I hope I'm wrong, for your sake, but don't be getting your hopes up....

ETA: I don't think you've screwed up, it's just something that happens.

reply to post by Hefficide


Agree with you on the 'friendzoned', however it's not written in stone. I was friends with my darlin' for six years before we both gravitated back toward each other.

We had both finished a previous relationship, and were both determined to fahgettabou' relationships for a good long while. We started getting together every once in a while and these visits became more frequent. Seems like everybody around us knew we were a couple before we did. We both liked being together without the implied linear relationship progression, and that sounds somewhat familiar to watchitburn's story. M'Bride and I didn't even have a real kiss until about a year after we started getting together, which was 7 years after we met.

We've been happily married for 24 years. It happens.

Watchitburn........... you've made your feelings known. In your shoes, I'd be inclined to say no more about it, until she does. If she doesn't bring your relationship up........ there might be your answer. As Heff said, the friendship seems important to both of you.

reply to post by watchitburn


Hey watchitburn,
I hate to say but from reading this;

Basically we were talking and having a few drinks, and I told her she was the smartest, most beautiful, awesome person I have ever met. At first she tried to just ignore what I had said, so I asked if she was ignoring it, she said she felt awkward, I told her I did too. She told me she doesn't really have feelings, I told her I usually don't either, except when I'm with her. She told me to stop, and not get weird.

I am afraid you have been 'friendzoned' as the guys have called it. Coming from a female, when a girl ignores something nice you say, and says she feels awkward or doesn't have feelings, it's because she doesn't.
But know that everything happens for a reason. It could be the best thing that she doesn't want you like that or lives far away because she could not be as good as a girlfriend as she is a friend, you never know. If it were meant to be it would. You seem very intelligent, just know for every girl that turns you down, there's one out there who wants to be told those things. Don't let it get to you. And who knows one day you could be happy with someone else and she could want you but hopefully you'll be moved on. Girls who don't make a move or hint at one in the first year of friendship it's usually pretty shot after that, because then dating a best friend is just not what girls to for, even though they should. You did not screw everything up, you just found out where it was going and where it wasn't. You will find someone who wants YOU, and hopefully doesn't live so far. Goodluck!

I am seeing a trend here with this friend zone thing.
I refuse to accept that.

Every other woman I have been with has just been a warm wet hole. No offense to other women. Sex isn't even really in the forefront of my motivations. This one is different. I remember having crushes in high school when I was a kid, this is not that.

Maybe I am being selfish, I don't know. That's not my intention. I'm at a loss.

But at the least, I will do my best to preserve our friendship. We are or were each others best fiends.
Ha, via phone. That's sad.

reply to post by argentus


Full on kudos for you and your lady defying the odds! That makes me smile!

Sadly, my own experience in this area ended up being the defining moment of my life. The one person that I ever really loved, lost to me.

Food for thought...



~Heff

reply to post by watchitburn


A warm wet hole?? Eww...

Usually.. If a women wanted you, and you put the offer out there, she wouldn't have turned it down.
That's what they do if they DON'T want you. But, women are backwards. Maybe she just wants a chase.
Women like persistence, and I admire yours, maybe it will work one day who knows. I was just giving my opinion from a females point of view on your situation.
If you don't want to give up, who is to tell you otherwise?
Just don't push too hard and lose the friendship.

reply to post by Katharos62191


Thanks,

That is the main thing I need to do. Get rid of the awkwardness and get my friend back to normal.

After that, I guess I should just see what happens.

reply to post by watchitburn


Exactly,
And hey after that you never know, there are exceptions like argentus said. It could just not be the right time yet. If not, you will find someone, don't forget that.

reply to post by watchitburn

But, women are backwards.

They are also crazy, and impossible to figure out.

There is a way out of the "friendzone". It's called romance.

Not the cheesy here I bought you flowers, or hey here's a card, I was thinking about you.....

Nope, the kind of romance I am talking about is the subtle, mysterious, and make their heart flutter style of romance.

It takes a bit of an investment.

Buy her flowers, and have them sent to her work, but sign the card not with your name, but secret admirer (or something equally mysterious. Chicks dig mysterious). Don't ever tell her it is you. See if she brings it up during a txt or conversation, which she will, because you are still in the "friendzone". Act disinterested, say that's nice, and ask her if she has any idea of who it is.

The truth is, she will be smiling all day when she gets flowers. She'll get teased by coworkers. She'll remember the feeling for a long time, and be mystified. She'll know there's someone interested in her, but won't be able to figure it out. Don't blow your cover.

Don't do anything else for a few days. Let her stew. Keep in the "friendzone."

Phase 2: Buy her a gift card to one of her favorite stores, no less than 20 bucks and no more than 50. If you snag her as your GF, you'll be blowing money on her anyway. Get a hallmark card, and put the gift card in it, having someone else sign the inside of the card, and addressing the outside. Mail it to her house.

This will drive her crazy when she gets it. At this point she will be thinking about her SA 24/7, trying to figure out who it is. She will want to talk to you about who it might be. Be coy, and help her with possibilities, (co-worker, gas station attendant, stalker?) and be sure to make jokes how you never get any secret admirer gifts. Do not blow your cover. Offer to take her shopping so she can spend her money. Be discreet.

Phase 3: Buy her a CD of her favorite musical group. Wait a few days, then attach a note to it (not in your handwriting) asking her if she wants to meet. Pick a public place, and put a date and time on it that you know she'll be able to make. Mail it to her. When she tells you about it, make sure you tell her you don't think it such a good idea, but make sure you convince her it is in a public place, and she'll be perfectly safe. Her curiosity will get the better of her. Go to said location, at said time and date, and await with a big smile on your face. After she punches you in the arm, take her out to dinner, and have a few good laughs.

You are now out of the "friendzone."

Good luck.

NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!!!

Sometimes it takes the little things to find love, just because it cant be seen doesnt mean it isnt there!! There is a sense of happiness that it even brings another to try to make someone they love happy. As long as you dont regret it, because at some point it was exactly what you wanted!!

Good luck!! Love trumps it all!!
Peace, NRE.

reply to post by Druid42


Devious. I like it.

It will have to be tweeked a bit for this situation, but it might work.
The straight forward approach didn't work, maybe being more circumspect is the way to go.

reply to post by watchitburn


I agree with a few other posters...

You've been friends for too long, don't ruin it by being a typical guy...

And IF you're crazy serious about this girl... Either leave her be and wait for her to come to you... or try to make her Jealous and see if theres any reaction...

Either way... "friend land" isn't easy to escape...

I apologize for being female...and that we tend to "compartmentalize". That's your "friendzone".
If you are testing the waters, how does she react to you when you are with other women?
Does she compare any of her relationships to your friendship?

The epic fail happened last Friday, As I said we have talked a few times over the past week.

I'm thinking I should leave off for a weeks, until I'm back in town. Then see if she wants to do something on a Saturday.

Don't do what Druid42 just said, as you stated, you are now in the akwardzone, yes there is another level of hell when it comes to a woman's fury.

Sad, that getting out of there will only get you back to the friendzone, Get out of the zone your in right now, then consider the investment Druid42 mentioned. (I would not recommend it). Info below would be of better assistance... giving gifts as suggested is a form of appeasement and we all remember how that worked out in WWII, take the offensive in taking care of you first bud...

Not to be mean, but you've been friends with her for about 16 years.... you were "friendzoned" 16 years ago bud... There is no such thing as being friends with a woman for that long without one or the other having feelings. As a man and woman, there are always feelings even this late in the game, you just need to interpret them correctly and sometimes it's all about proper timing.

There are ways you can get her, but I doubt you can pull it off if you've only been friends for that many years. An uphill battle of epic proportions so to speak. I would say you've been holding those feelings in for a long time too.

The only piece of advise I can give you if another chance arises for you guys to get together is to make as little eye contact as possible and be confident. The one thing woman can't stand is boredom. You gave her to much leeway in talking everyday. You need to be busy living your life, dating someone else thinking about starting a family. catch my drift.

Woman can't be given to many compliments, they need to know that you are a challenge, there is much mystery to you. ect. the more they know about you the less appealing you are to them.

good luck bud and remember, what is your ultimate goal? I believe the above will assist you in achieving your goals

PS, Info above applies to your friendzone situation, So it is not meant to offend females or as i call them, Bestowers of friendzones jk

reply to post by watchitburn


Or you are just wanting something you can't have.


No, it wasn't a mistake,, You tested that water and now you know for sure that she doesn't have feelings. Sorry but, but as a female who has been there, if she got awkward and uncomfotable and didn't want to talk about it, she doesn't have feelings.