Are you a step parent?

Hello my ATS brothers and Sisters

I am a step father of a beautiful 4 year old boy. I started dating his mother (now my wife) since he was 2. He knows I am not his dad. He doesnt call me dad, he calls me by my first name which I am fine with. I am an advocate of tough love. He doesnt get away with much, but thats the way I was raised and I feel that method of parenting has made me the man I am today. Which I thank my parents greatly for.

His father hates my guts due mostly to he is still in love with my wife. And he hates that I am raising his son. He has the normal joint custody of the boy, every other weekend and during the summers. Without a doubt he will at some point tell the boy that he doesn't have to listen to me, as I am not his father.

So my question is, How do I deal with the dreaded come back of "Your not my dad!!!".

Lucky the kid is younger. If you had become a step-parent when the kid was a teenager, it would be a much worse position to be in and a source of considerable stress. My wife became a step-mom to my 13 year old, who had lost her mother to suicide. That was tough. My wife's two chilren were adults by the time we got together, and it took awhile to be in their good graces, but it has happened.

Since your step-son knew you as a youngster barely able to talk, you have some serious history and, dare I say because I don't like the word, bonding. If he said, "You're not my Dad!" here's a try.

"I never claimed to be your Dad and have never mis-represented myself to you. But I have acted like a loving father should and treated you as if you were my own son. You have ample evidence of this and my being your Dad or not your Dad is not the point. You will do as I ask because I, along with your Mother, are in charge of your life until you grow up, or at least until you are 18, whichever comes first. We want you to do well in your life, and that means getting a good education and displaying some character.

Displaying character means not always putting yourself first, not getting into stupid avoidable trouble, and acting in a responsible manner. This is not negotiable. It is a requirement. If you pay attention to what I am trying to teach you, when you get out on your own you'll be able to handle it because you will know how to make the right decisions. If you don't, you'll screw up. That's how the world works. When you are living here, you will do as I say."

My two cents.

reply to post by Talltexxxan

I experienced this a few times. The key is to remain calm and realize the child is going through some tough feeling's because they usually don't share the same bad feeling's toward's one parent or the other during a seperation, so sometimes this can be very hard for a child to understand.They still love dad the same as before because they don't feel like their mom does towards him. I usually told the child that what they said hurt my feelings but at the same time explain they are right I am not their dad but I am just a different kind of dad. They can still love dad and love others too. I tell them that it's ok to love more than one person.Sometimes kids feel like if they start to love one person more than another they are bad somehow.I usually found it didn't happen more than a couple times and it only happened when I tried to dole out some type of disipline and they didn't feel I had the authority to.But it 's not something you really have to worry about over the long term. Unless the other parent starts to brainwash the child and that can happen. That's when thing's can get messy and hurtful. I wish you luck and if your as good a father as I think you'll be just fine.Kid's are smart , if your their for them and treat them with respect and love you will never have to worry.

reply to post by schuyler


Thank you.

I couldnt have put my feelings into words any better. What I wantt for him is to be a respectable man. To understand respect and value. Wether it be another persons opion or life itself. I've waited awhile to be a parent and I am sure that some of my feelings toward "my" childeren will change once I have my very own child. I none the less raise him as if he is my own son. He has been given anything and everything in his early childhood, due to my wife parents being wealthy and his dads parents being wealthy. I am not wealthy but I make due perfectly fine with what I have and I am trying to teach him everyday the "real" lessons of life because I did NOT grow up wealthy.

Thank you schuyler, I have always respected what you have to say in your post and this one will be yet another one.

Originally posted by Talltexxxan
Hello my ATS brothers and Sisters

I am a step father of a beautiful 4 year old boy. I started dating his mother (now my wife) since he was 2. He knows I am not his dad. He doesnt call me dad, he calls me by my first name which I am fine with. I am an advocate of tough love. He doesnt get away with much, but thats the way I was raised and I feel that method of parenting has made me the man I am today. Which I thank my parents greatly for.

His father hates my guts due mostly to he is still in love with my wife. And he hates that I am raising his son. He has the normal joint custody of the boy, every other weekend and during the summers. Without a doubt he will at some point tell the boy that he doesn't have to listen to me, as I am not his father.

So my question is, How do I deal with the dreaded come back of "Your not my dad!!!".

edit on 26-3-2012 by Talltexxxan because: (no reason given)

Maybe "you're right, but I still love you as my son"?

reply to post by mark1167


Thank you for your thoughts.

The brainwashing aspect is huge because I sometimes hear the phone conversations he has with his dad and its total indoctrination. Anytime the boy says that he had fun with me or somthing that I did for him, his dad will reply negativly and fill his little head full of crap. I dont want to bash the guy (even though he deserves it) but he really needs to grow up and realize that his son matters more than his own pride and ego.

Its painful when your dealing with someone that will be spiteful for the sake of being spiteful.

"You're not my dad!"
"Name one way I'm not."


That's the way it went with my step dad and I many years ago. He had that uncanny knack of being able to shut me up with a simple statement. He explained that neither he nor I had any say in whose genes I got, but he had been able to shape how I used them. Then pointed out all the different characteristics I shared with HIM. He understood me and showed me exactly how well. I said it hoping to hurt him and felt like I'd been slapped in the face.

If you understand him, then you've got everything you need. If he respects you, then he's got everything he needs.

reply to post by Arrowmancer


Wow!
Now that sounds alot like something I would say.
I now say similar lings along those lines. I know he only 4 y/o but I give him the same respect and thought process of an adult.

When he says stuff that he doesnt fully understand, I have him explain himself. And usually that is followed by a breif moment of introspection and then a huff of "well crap, I dont know" kind of look.

reply to post by Talltexxxan


I'm a step dad to my eldest, I say my eldest because like you I've raised her since she was 2 and now she is 6, also her dad never wanted anything to do with her. Sometimes she calls me dad other times by my first name. I'm cool either way.

I have to say this, if her dad was around I think I would of stepped back somewhat. I can not imagine another guy bringing up my children! Can you? Do you have any children with your wife?

I think you should put yourself in the dads shoes (even if you think him an arse), at least he stuck around for his kid,, which is more than can be said for my little girls dad!

I know it's tough though!

As for the, "you're not my dad"... Well, he would be right! Sorry.

reply to post by Talltexxxan


Hey Talltexxxan,

First off let me say that I am not a step father, instead a step son. Although my situation is still a bit different to yours as (1) I'm obviously older than the step son in question as I'm 19 right now and (2) I'd prefer never to see my father again and as of right now have not seen him for around 13 or so years. My step father is someone who I consider to be my father now - Although I still call him by his first name as I'm just not comfortable with calling anyone father and haven't since I last saw my real father at around 6 or so years old, so don't take it personally that the son in question calls you by your first name too. I never called my step father dad and yet he's who I now consider as my dad.

Admittedly I'm probably not in the greatest position to give advice on a thread like this as well, and I think you should mainly acknowledge the opinions of those other step fathers out there who choose to post as they're obviously in a better position than I am. But I will say this. This young kid, in my opinion, won't forget what you did for him, how you was there for him etc. I know I never did for mine. There may come a stage where he rebels, he may choose to go and stay with his real father for a while someday, who knows really. You just can't predict such things and there's no real gain in worrying or getting worked up over the,. But there will also be a time where he grows up and realizes what you did for him I am sure of that.

Just let him be his own person, let him make his own decisions etc. My step father was a bit on the tougher side like you say you are and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, after all like you say it does dictate what becomes of you, but just don't make the mistake of trying to control his life. Like I said before, I'm 19 and I do know I need to make my own mistakes in life from time to time. It's unfortunately how we learn. And we all need that independence. So if he says one day that he wants to live with his real dad for a while, sure no one says you have to be happy with that decision and I imagine you wouldn't be, but you need to remember that it is his decision.

He's a young kid right now though. Just be there for him, help him grow up as if he was your own and he'll treat you as his own too. Sure, he may know you are now his biological father and he may rebel someday - We all went through that stage, but just be a father, that's my advice to you. But anyway, I'm not sure if this post will be helpful to you in anyway whatsoever, but I just thought my opinion was worth throwing out there. I may not be in your position as a step father.. but I was a step son to someone after all and I thought my experience in that position was worth sharing. Thanks and I hope thing's work out for you here. A young boy needs a father..

reply to post by Talltexxxan


I am also a step parent.I am 57 and my eldest stepson will
be 52 later this year.

reply to post by Talltexxxan


Take my advice. Learn to back off the boy and be his friend. He has a dad. Be there for him when he is in need and be his friend. Make sure your wife, the boy's mother, punishes HER SON when it is needed. Best if you just take a breather and a step back and work on maybe getting your own kid.

If his father is still in the picture, why do you think it is your responsiblity to raise him as a son?

Let his parents do it.

I would be pissed too if I was the father.

reply to post by Talltexxxan

I am a step Daddy to two boys, one 10, and one 14. I have been with their Mother for 7 years now, both were little when we got together. The boy's Father was a very abusive, not in a physical way, but more in a mental way. When we got together, the Father of the boys discovered he was dying, so he made up his mind to take he ex wife, and his sons with him. I walked around with a pistol on me all the time we were getting to know each other, and slept with it under my pillow. Then one night we had a car drive by and fire several shots into our house trailer, narrowly missing the youngest boy. Two days later, in violation of a court order, my Girlfriend, her boys, and my adult son all fled to another State, a good 450 miles from him.

If we had stayed, eventually there would have been a gunfight, and bloodshed, neither of which I wanted. Before you ask, the police were powerless to do anything, unless he did something to us in a physical manner. A motion for a restraining order was flatly denied.
After we got here, my wife began to receive registered letters commanding her back to Indiana, to a court appearance, where she would be sentenced for contempt and violating a court order.
I, being a Common Law proponent, filed a series of Affidavits, and was successful in reclusion the Criminal Courts Judge from the venue, thus erasing his orders. She was scared half to death the whole time this was going on.

All said and done, I am a happy camper with my new family. My new wife is young enough to be my daughter, and the boys are a joy most days. We are a strange looking family, people will always guess she is my son's wife, rather than mine. Cheers!

Originally posted by nixie_nox
If his father is still in the picture, why do you think it is your responsiblity to raise him as a son?

Let his parents do it.

I would be pissed too if I was the father.

edit on 27-3-2012 by nixie_nox because: (no reason given)

The problem with "letting" his father raise him is is father still actys like a child, himself. He's 24 and uses illegal drugs, he has been arrested twice with the kid in the car both times for possesion and DWI. The guy barely has a job and lives in self inflicted poverty. The father sees having a kid as more of a novelity than a responsablity.

So allowing a young mind to be influenced by such dispicable immature behavour will not be in my game plan. Yes, the kid will know who his dad is and will spend time with him, but I am the one that will be incharge of showing him that there is more to life than what his bio father can show him.

Originally posted by Talltexxxan

I am the one that will be incharge of showing him that there is more to life than what his bio father can show him.

That's what his mother should be doing. I really believe you are over-stepping your boundaries as a step parent. Your relationship with the child should be more like that of a big brother.

reply to post by Talltexxxan


I wouldn't worry about it. I have been a step mother of two for ten years (today they are 21 and 15) and never once have they thrown the 'You're not my mom!' into my face.

Schuyler has some great advice and that is precisely how I would have handled it. I simply would of said, 'No, I am not your biological mother but I am the mother of this home and you will respect that. I love you as my own and will be the mother of this family and home.'

And left it at that. Fortunately, it has never been an issue.

Best of luck. Bless their hearts, really. It is so hard on the kids these days of divided families. Just show them love if that ever occurs but also stand up for yourself and your position in your household.

reply to post by KewlDaddyFatty

That's what his mother should be doing. I really believe you are over-stepping your boundaries as a step parent. Your relationship with the child should be more like that of a big brother.

I disagree.

Sure, he may not be the boy's biological father, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't act like a father to him still. If the real father is like he says he is, which is basically a scumbag jerk who deals in Illegal activities, then the OP should step in and be the fatherly role model he needs. And "needs" is a key word there.

The mother isn't the only person who should be the parent. Both of them need to be the parents as a team, both of them need to set an example and be a role model to this young kid, not just one of them. The OP said the kid knows he's not his real father at this stage but that doesn't matter still as far as I'm concerned. He still needs to be his father when needed, to discipline him, treat him as his own etc.

Originally posted by nixie_nox
If his father is still in the picture, why do you think it is your responsiblity to raise him as a son?
Let his parents do it.
I would be pissed too if I was the father.

That's a prescription for disaster and also shows the difference between parenting as a philosophical argument versus parenting as a practical matter. You're suggesting the OP pawn everything over onto Mom and a largely absent ne'er do well "father" who is hardly a good role model. If the family is to live together as a unit, you can't do that. Mom can't do everything. Mom is not always there. As the kid gets older the whole idea becomes laughable. The kid needs a strong male role model who is fair and consistent and capable of guiding the kid through some rough years ahead. If a step-dad wimps out on this, the kid will wind up having nothing but contempt for him. Further, the relationship between step-dad and Mom here is doomed because she can't take the whole thing on herself and needs the support.

reply to post by schuyler


Exactly!!

His mother and I are very consistant and to me that is one of the most important things for kids these days....consistancy! We follow the same rules he does, so that he sees it as household rules not just kid rules.
My wife, as a stay at home mom, is usually quite woreout by the time I get home. So I pretty much take over the parenting responsibilities once Im there. It gives her alittle bit of a break and it shows to the boy that the same rules apply when step dad is home. We are definetly a team when it comes to rasising him. I speak to him like an adult to show him respect, and in turn (even though its taken a while) he shows me respect.

Reply to post by KewlDaddyFatty

The way I see it, the child needs to have respect for us before he needs friends from us. The thought of JUST being his friend is an assinine thought for real world life. Its almost laughable to think in that manner. So what am I supposed to due, Just throw my hands in the air every time there is somthing to deal with and say" Well....He's not my kid!!" HA