How to find love when starting all over again?

Originally posted by orange-light

And last but not least your own demons, which live in your head and try to devaluate you every day.

The hurt sometimes goes on and on.
The ex has hurted you to make himself look better, but you believed him and still believe him so easily.
You really believe you are not worthwhile being loved for so many reasons:
Being to fat
Being to skinny
Being to blonde
Being not blonde enough
Being to young
Being to old

I have hesitated replying to this thread as I don't want to come across as being rude, and everything I have to say is with the greatest respect.

You will never find true love while having any of these thoughts going through your mind. You might even think that you have, and the guy makes you feel incredibly special, BUT.... Until you can learn to love yourself, you are fighting a losing battle.

You cannot let others be the ones to dictate how you see yourself. It just won't work and believe me, if you think I am wrong, you are just building a house of cards.

You are you, as special and as beautiful as anyone else. It doesn't matter your build, or your hair colour (at least you probably have hair unlike me ), you have been born with what you got. Play your hand as well as you can and don't let anyone tell you that you are not worth it.

Sure you will meet people that don't care for you in some way or another, that's what's so great about this world. You could be a fantastic friend to a guy but he just doesn't "see you" in that way. That's just fine as not everyone is attracted to the same sorts in that way. But as a friend, he could be with you your entire life.

But don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are unworthy of anything, especially your happiness. Life is just too dam short.

and just to make sure that you know that I am serious, I shall now stomp my foot

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/31b580370d8a.gif[/atsimg]


so take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror (as in looking at your soul), find out who you are and love that person. Then you can go out into the world and meet your mate.


go gettem tiger....

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/77ba2c226b0e.gif[/atsimg]

reply to post by orange-light


I understand where you are coming from in some ways and the questions that you are asking yourself many have asked themselves, too. So many posters have given you fabulous advice and I suppose at the end of the day you only have one question left to ask: Will I, or won't I? Because you see, you are the only one to decide where your life goes and sitting on the sidelines asking yourself questions that you have no way to answer, because that answer only comes in the doing and not in the asking, will only hold you back. You are in charge! and on those days when you don't feel like you are; you fake it 'till you make it!

This is a list of a womans insecurities, inadequicies and fears.

Does this sound like it is a recipe for success with a man or a list of burdens to which he must adapt to insure her success in life on her terms..while ceding his terms??

Some people call this a train wreck in the making. One must have a good support system to be able to afford such insecurities. Most men cannot function on the job with such insecurities. The other men will get rid of them because they cannot trust them in difficult tasks.

Why would a thinking woman believe this is appealing to a man of any caliber unless he is dumber, more insecure, and more hard up than her in a relationship.

Thanks,
Orangetom

reply to post by orange-light


Hello orange-light-

I think most of our problems when it comes to relationships is that many tend to date people who don't have the same things in common and the same values that they hold special in a relationship. opposites do attract but that doesn't make them the best person to be with.

If I love to play games and she loves to hike and we both don't want to do what the other does then it creates problems with the "forever" picture. Sure if you "Love" this person i'm sure you can put up with stuff for a long long time until you see the big picture.

If you never want to hike or never play games and each weekend you are both doing one or the other but not with each other you can't grow. In the end when you are 80 years old sitting next to your wife/husband you need to have things in common or you will be very unhappy. I have seen old people who have nothing in common and they live in the same house but they don't talk to each other much. They are both stuck and miserable, or at least look it and I would be to.

I have been looking at it this way, everything we do has an opposite. Happy/sad, positive/negative, stand/sit, up/down, left right, tall/short, fat/skinny etc.

Once I see that I ask myself what I want out of life? I want to be happy and have others around me that are happy. Now I know that we can never be happy 100 percent of our lives but we can work at being more happy than sad.

Once you ask yourself what you want, you can then look for your answer. If you want to be happy look for what makes you smile. Whatever you want can happen but you need to first ask yourself, what you are looking for?

Originally posted by Yissachar1
From a guys perspective, quite a lot of women have not let go of the hurt from their previous relationship, have probably never been on their own and are under the mistaken impression that it is up to a guy to make them happy... They bring all the poison from the past to the presant, punishing her new guy for what her past guy did, so she ends up single again feeling even more hurt and frustrated!

you are quiet right!

after a long term relationship you need time to heal, to sort yourself out, to get, as Whimsical said, open for a new relationship.
when starting one, i just can.t bring the garbage from the old one into the new love.


we are all human and i don.t think we are able to manage this 100% - therefore it is necessary just to be open enough and aware enough to realize it.

not only old relationships might poison a new love, there might also be problems with family, our relationship towards our parents etc. that influence our new partnership and might give our significant other hell on earth.

i have lived quiet a long time just on my own.
i lived about 10 years alone before i met my ex and meanwhile i am living for 4 years alone - ok not exactly alone since my son is living with me which is another challenge than living all alone

reply to post by davespanners


no child care - if some have it is only for kids younger than 5 something


i know what you mean about being interested in
i recently thought i would love to learn all the little stuff like hanging a shelf properly, like drilling etc. - the stuff you need in the house to do minor repairs - i would love to learn this, to become more independent ;D

but a spanish class might do the job too
or photography

ahhh you make me thinking davespanners

or mabye webdesign

reply to post by spy66


that.s what they are saying:

True love finds both of you when you least expect it.

guess it is the same game as not thinking of a pink elephant
i just can.t help thinking about it, ok not every time
sometimes i am thinking about the shopping list, the parents meeting, a customer.s demand ………
just like everybody

but maybe i am thinking to much about it when going out since going out is that rarely?
i am not sure

reply to post by tribewilder


thanks for your thoughts
the list you are referring to is not my list - or maybe some parts of it is my list - but the list of many women i know who are in the same situation.

but you are right - somehow.
self-love, self-acceptance is important - and to me worth another thread

when looking around i.ve got the feeling that some people have a very natural self-love, like a child
it is amazing to observe it

others really have to struggle.

once i have discussed this subject with a close friend, since i am one who is analyzing stuff:
"how do i know if i love myself? does it mean that i don.t care for bad hairs or zits since i love me"
this can be aweful, living hell

my friend is wise so she told me: "i think i love myself if i want to be my own friend"

i sat down and thought about it:
yes i want to be my own friend.
it would be awesome for me if i had a friend like me

still i am not sure that i love myself enough.
but i know i am on a good way

took me over 30 years to get there

and be assured i never allow others again to dictate me who i am and how i am

like the song of gloria gaynor


my own special creation


this thread is better than therapy

reply to post by Whimsical


maybe i should ask for a tea that makes me stop asking questions - that.s part of my burden :p

yeah i know you are right and i appreciate the words of wisdom of my fellow members very much
they are helpfull and now i am trying to built up my own puzzle

reply to post by orangetom1999


sometimes it happens that thinking and caring women end up as insecure wrecks due to former relationships and hurts and pains which they are not able to lay aside easily.
they are working on it, but they have also to work for their lives, for their children, they have to educate their children ……

as i said: you are starting all over again but with different rules as those that where in charge when you played the game for the first time.

i don.t think that women think: oh he is a guy and he will love my insecureness
no women don.t think that way.

but even if they are insecure they - we - have the desire to be loved.
that.s all

and . just an experience with my girlfriends - we don.t sit around and make a list how to get a certain him successfully.
we are talking about love and desire not about a businessplan

reply to post by Trudge


i know what you mean

my parents had had nothing in common - sadly but true
my dad used to love gliding planes, he was a good pilot.
my mom hated it, he gave it up for her. but she never appreciated it.
so she went out to sing in a choir, went bowling with a club and he sat home alone

i know that i don.t want this.
that.s a start.

you need things in common with your partner, but you also need to do things on your own to share it later on with your parnter.
i won.t expect him to be with me on ladies nights, and if he wants to be in the stadium for soccer, its fine
but there has to be experiences for both of us as a couple

i don.t think it is a problem to date somebody who has nothing in common with you
when you date him 1 or 3 times you get to know him and than you know that you don.t have anything in common or that you have the world in common.

usually people lie to themselves in that case.
there are so many things that seem to be important
"oh we don.t have anything in common but he has such a good job"



that.s ridiculous.

i know some of my friends who honestly want to change their husbands and boyfriends.
they believe that the guy is not able to dress himself properly if they wouldn.t help him.

this is ridiculous too.

i want to be a girl friend, a love but not a mom who is educating and helping to dress.

but i strongly believe that a relationship in mutual love and respect is possible
with out changing somebody

reply to post by orange-light


I agree with you 100 percent. We do need to have our own space like you said, I guess it needs to be a balance, a percent that you are happy with, and can stay happy with the rest of your life.

For instance, I have been doing this. At work I try and talk with almost all the woman in and around my buildings I work at to get to know them, find out how there eithics are. Simple questions help paint a picture for me as to how there morals are, if they are with anyone etc.

For example, if I talk with someone who when I ask how was there weekend and they respond everytime the same way, "I was out at the clubs drinking all weeekend, if there was a party everyday I would be out drinking with my friends, in fact there is a party tonight that i'm going to."

To me if I was in "Love" I wouldn't want to go out to clubs all the time and get drunk so this person wouldn't be for me, and I have already been with woman that are like that and I wasn't happy. I'm also not a big drinker anymore, I'm in my mid 30's and my drinking days of trying to be cool left when I was in my 20's. I also learned that most of my mistakes came when I was drinking and I would not want to marry someone who wants to get drunk everyday.

I was an only child growing up, so when I wanted to play games I only had my parents to play with. My father only wanted to play chess so at 8 or so I learned how to play chess with my father. When playing chess the more moves you can think ahead the better you will become. So when I talk with women I ask questions that matter to me and try and picture if that would really bother me being with that person in the future. They have to be big things for you though not the small things. For some it might be religion, others might be dancing or smoking but as long as you will be happy that is the main thing. The person must make you happy in order for you to make them happy if not, you both won't be happy.

If you are happy that is a positive or 1
If you are not happy that is a negative or -1

So if you are happy but your wife/husband is not, you will not be happy. 1 X -1 = -1

If you are both happy 1 X 1 = 1

If you are both unhappy -1 X -1 = 1

The positive that comes from two negatives can be hard to find but if you look you can find it. Maybe the positive is that you both break up, or thru your negatives you learn to be happy with eachother, or maybe thru your break up you meet the person of your dreams. Who knows, its just how the math works out, I didn't make the math equations the creator did.

reply to post by Trudge


trudge that.s a good way getting in touch with another person and to find out where he/she comes from.

i for myself don.t drink much either, or we can say .- i drink about nothing.
some close relatives have issues with alcohol so i don.t want to be involved

those who go out every weekend clubbing and drinking might not have learnt how to spend their time differently.
sad to admit this.

do they really want to get drunk or is it just a way to socialize?
that.s also a very interesting question.


a couple of weeks ago i was at a birthday party.
2 guys were celebrating and one came originally from poland - seemed having been raised with vodka
he owned a 3 l bottle of that stuff and run around forcing people to drink by pouring the vodka into huge glasses.
i was able to make him accept that i don.t want to drink vodka.
he was a bit annoyed but accepted it.
a friend didn.t wanted to drink either but allowed him to force her - she thought it might be an offense to the guy.

how can it be an offense if we stay integer?

i think i can only attract somebody really if i am clearly myself.
but i can.t be clearly myself if i am doing things that are not mine.

this is also the + and – math you mentioned
i can do stuff because i love or like somebody.

i am not so much in chess for example. never really understood it.
but i would love to learn it to figure out if i might like it.
i just didn.t want to play it every night.


we have to give and we have to take.

but just going out to drink every weekend wouldn.t make me happy

reply to post by orange-light


Yes! The new in-laws problem! I have more than enough experience with that i can tell you! My wife is a Jordanian apostate muslim, married to an Israeli/English Jewish Christian (Messianic Jew) so you can imagine the difficulties lol. Thankfully God is good and reconciliation between her devout muslim parents is slowly comming around thanks to the kids.

You are German I believe? I lived in Celle for a while and was single at the time and have to say, after many good nights out in Hannover, Hamburg and Berlin, that German women are very hot! The fact you have a kid and have put their happiness before your own for the last four years just makes you even more special. Any man would be well blessed to be with such a woman!

You deserve love and happiness in your life. I cant do much, but I will pray for you and so will my family...

On a final note, I feel that I must say for you to stop looking.. Because an amazing and inteligent woman like you? Love will find YOU.

reply to post by Yissachar1



ahhhh yissachar thanks for your very sweet words
much much appreciated

yeah i am german somehow - although i don.t feel like one - living in berlin and loving my child.

yeah stop looking
good advice

sometimes it is difficult to stop looking if you have desires.
on the other hand as i have mentioned before most times you are not on the run -
daily routines are managed without looking for a guy
but sometimes you just sit around and get a little impatient - after four years of waiting.

and than there are those saying that mr right (if there is such a thing as mr right) won.t ring my door bell if i am waiting inside.
hey why not?

reply to post by orange-light


Sometimes mr right is under your nose!

Relax.sweetheart. I know in my bones that your patience will be rewarded and you will be with a man who deserves such a wonderfull woman as you... Mark my words! And when it does please share lol.

I wish you all happiness.. And know you will have it..

Originally posted by orange-light
reply to post by Trudge

 

trudge that.s a good way getting in touch with another person and to find out where he/she comes from.

I thought so to, get to know someone before you go out, why waste both of our time if we are to different.

i for myself don.t drink much either, or we can say .- i drink about nothing.
some close relatives have issues with alcohol so i don.t want to be involved

My grandfather on my dads side had a big problem with drinking

i am not so much in chess for example. never really understood it.
but i would love to learn it to figure out if i might like it.
i just didn.t want to play it every night.

I wouldn't want to play every night either
In fact, I don't play that much anymore just when others are around that like to play.

we have to give and we have to take.

True, but if you find someone similar to you then both of you shouldn't have to give up much

i think i can only attract somebody really if i am clearly myself.
but i can.t be clearly myself if i am doing things that are not mine.

exactly, thats why finding someone with similar interests is key to being happy so you can both be yourselves

a couple of weeks ago i was at a birthday party.
2 guys were celebrating and one came originally from poland - seemed having been raised with vodka

he owned a 3 l bottle of that stuff and run around forcing people to drink by pouring the vodka into huge glasses.
i was able to make him accept that i don.t want to drink vodka.
he was a bit annoyed but accepted it.
a friend didn.t wanted to drink either but allowed him to force her - she thought it might be an offense to the guy.

how can it be an offense if we stay integer?

First thing that goes is your judgment when drinking and misery loves company which is why he might have been trying to get everyone to drink with him and also why I don't drink much at all anymore.

those who go out every weekend clubbing and drinking might not have learnt how to spend their time differently.
sad to admit this.

do they really want to get drunk or is it just a way to socialize?
that.s also a very interesting question.

Well for me when I was younger it was to socialize but it always led to me drinking to much and making decisions that I normally wouldn't make.


I wish you the best in finding someone that you can be happy with. I have been looking for a long time and have yet to find "the one" I want to be with for the rest of my life.

reply to post by Yissachar1


i just looked into the mirror - no mr right

i know what you mean yissachar


the guy could live next door or i could meet him while shopping coke

thanks again for your kind words

people are too dependent on relationships. sure if you don't have someone you feel like some kind of big stupid ugly loser, but really when you consider how shallow and superficial and egotistical most of the people in the world are it doesn't seem like such a bad option. people will tell you they love you for years and then change their mind one day and dump you for someone better looking or more rich, leaving you on the curb like last weeks garbage. most people don't see themselves the way they truly are, they see themselves filtered through their own mind and perception. the truth is you are never the same human being to any two people you meet. most women these days (no offense) seem to think they are a walking goddess, god's gift to all men, the most desirable woman in the world, ect... usually this is not the case to the rest of us who see you through our own eyes. most people just can't bring themselves to admit they are an average looking normal mediocre person. the media makes people think they are living in some kind of fantasy world, it makes them think other people actually case what is going on in their life like they are on jersey shore or the real world or something like that.. advertising has us all obsessed with our appearance, with how others view us, and our material belongings. people do not realize this is simply entertainment produced to generate the most mass appeal therefore generating the most profits. your lack of self esteem and insecurities are their bread and butter. life is not a movie. none of us are special or any different from anyone else.

Originally posted by Trudge


I thought so to, get to know someone before you go out, why waste both of our time if we are to different.

it might not work for a relationship but a great friendship can be the result of the difference

My grandfather on my dads side had a big problem with drinking

i guess more people have issues in this regard than they want to admit honestly

True, but if you find someone similar to you then both of you shouldn't have to give up much

yeah that.s right
or the giving part is much more pleasure than in other relationships

exactly, thats why finding someone with similar interests is key to being happy so you can both be yourselves

First thing that goes is your judgment when drinking and misery loves company which is why he might have been trying to get everyone to drink with him and also why I don't drink much at all anymore.

i think that guy was educated that way
the ex-hubby of my sis was the same way

there is also this "being polite" issue
it is good to be polite to people but you should never give up good principles just for the sake of being polite

Well for me when I was younger it was to socialize but it always led to me drinking to much and making decisions that I normally wouldn't make.

you didn.t learn how to control drinking
guess most people have problems with that
and yeah alcohol makes some decisions much more easier than without

I wish you the best in finding someone that you can be happy with. I have been looking for a long time and have yet to find "the one" I want to be with for the rest of my life.

after a disappointing marriage i am not so sure if there is a one for ever
but maybe a one to go a good deal of the way together with would also be nice