A Date - In Disguise???

So here is the conundrum - and apologies for the longish post..

My sister has a friend who she worked with a few years back and now occasionally catches up with - not often but every six months or so. He has insisted on paying for both of them on the last couple of occasions including last night where a quick catch up turned into a coffee and a movie. And despite her telling him explicitly not to pay, he did. He also drove all the way to her side of the city and got her to choose the movie.

This is what makes it so confusing - he knows she is in a relationship... if it were two unattached people, i would take it as a date when a guy pays but now this is a completely different ball game.

He is apparently a wonderful friend who is an absolute gentleman but she senses that he is sending out mixed signals - and would love to get an opinion whether this was a 'date in disguise' per se or a catch up where the male friend is being extra generous as of late.

opinions would be appreciated.

Many thanks from an older sister looking out for the baby of the family

reply to post by 04326


Oooh... I would say that he is into her, and that he's definitely trying for a date in disguise. Buying her coffee - not so much a big deal. Movie? More of a big deal. One of my really good guy friends has a girlfriend, and we always take turns buying coffee. If he invited me out for lunch, or a movie, and wanted to pay - that would send up red flags in my brain.

And just as he has a girlfriend, I wouldn't offer to pay for lunch or a movie because I wouldn't want him getting the wrong impression, or making his girlfriend feel uncomfortable with us hanging out, or either of them thinking that I'm trying to make a move on him. There are boundaries in opposite-sex friendships - especially if one of the friends is in a relationship.

- Carrot

reply to post by CA_Orot


the paying part is where the red flags come in. So yes that's what i thought. But i have to clarify, i think there was something lost in translation when my sister recounted the whole thing.

Apparently she suggested that they catch up since its been a while and perhaps catch a movie or a coffee depending on what is convenient.

So Daniel (the guy) turns up, gets her to Recommend the movie - pays for it. then buys her food - pays for that despite protests. And then walks her to her car.

All on a weeknight - when he has work in the morning.

It's been a while since i have been on the dating scene but this sounded awfully fishy to me :p

Is this common practice and chivalry in play??? or is it something more??

reply to post by 04326


Well... first off: If i was going to catch up with a friend - I certainly wouldn't do it over a movie. I hate it when people talk during movies. (Red Flag 1)

Grabbing a Coffee is fine, regardless of who pays. Its like a buck fifty, you'll find that in the cup holder in my car or under the seat in quarters.

Grabbing Lunch or Dinner to catch up? Harmless. BUT as soon as he or she offers to pay for the other persons Lunch or Dinner, its no longer catching up. (Red Flag 2)

Walking to the car - If he hadn't of paid for everything in the first place, I would chock it up to chivilry. Perhaps he's just a nice guy, making sure a nice girl gets to her car safely. It might just be chivilry, I don't know the guy so i can't speculate.

All on a Weeknight and he has to work in the morning? For me this would be (Red Flag 3), in conjunction with him paying for everything.

If he had just called her on Wednesday and said "Hey girl lets grab a coffee and catch up" - Not so much a big deal.

"Hey girl, its wednesday and I work in the Am (but I want to see you so I don't care if I'm tired tomorrow), Lets catch a movie and some food, PS I'll pay" sounds a little bit more of a big deal. GIANT red flag to me...

- Carrot



[edit on 1/20/2009 by CA_Orot]

Sorry but isn't this a conspiracy site? How the heck can this thread belong on ATS?

ahh this guy sounds like a 'grass-cutter' and his cutting into someone else's lawn.

I had the same type of problem when I broke up with my ex. She was seeing a family friend of mine and saying that they had similar issues that they wanted to talk about. I said that was alright and I trusted her after being in a 5 year relationship with her. Found out the week before we broke up that she had feelings for him.

As for the guy, I knew him since I was three years old and living in thailand. And when we did break up he never said sorry or even talked to me about anything, or even showed any sign of respect. I know his definitely scared of me, but even saying sorry for what happened in the relationship would of changed my thoughts of him. And so now i'm still itching for a fight.

the paying part is where the red flags come in.

The movie is more than a red flag...it's a bright neon sign....it was a date in disguise. By agreeing to it though, it's your sis that's sending out the mixed signals... His signal is loud and clear.... (imho)

i think i agree with everyone here that something is a bit fishy...

i know if i was a guy and wanted to take a friendship further, then this would be the best way to 'expand' the borders. And apparently, he has always been like that to her - never ever let her pay for anything - EVER!

and Gazrock may have hit the nail on the head - unless she puts her foot down he will take it as a go ahead from her behalf.

From what i gather, the tricky part is to say No and still retain a very long friendship.

I mean, if she asks him outright whether he is trying to make a move, he will probably deny it.

And who say Guys and Girls can be Just Friend... :shk:

Originally posted by 04326
reply to post by CA_Orot

 

the paying part is where the red flags come in.

haha actually I'd do the opposite. If she was a friend I wouldn't mind paying for her food or whatever.

Now, if this were a new girl I invited to go window shop with me @ the mall or wherever, I'd expect her to pay for her own food.


Rule #9 Never Pay out until she puts out.