if this is you, you may be a christian fundamentalist...

got this from some other pretty funny site...

You might be a Christian Fundamentalist if:

1) Your name happens to be Pat or Jerry.
2) You think that science class should be replaced with Bible study.
3) You agree with everything that "Eternal" (IIDF regular) has ever said.
4) You think that fossils were sent by the Devil.
5) You think that the sixth item in the Bill of Rights is "Thou Shalt Not Kill."
6) You think that God is a Republican.
7) You believe that the Spanish Inquisition was an example of "tough love."
8 You believe that the ACLU is a tool of Satan.
9) You think Tammy Faye is too sexy for the five pounds of mascare she wears.
10) You despise that godless, left-wing commie Pat Buchanan.
11) You think everyone who doesn't believe what you believe is miserable.
12) You are outraged that someone, somewhere, is enjoying their body.
13) You keep an "Emergency Baptismal Kit" in your car.
14) Your chat forum handle is a palindrome.
15) You don't accept the word "logic" in a game of Scrabble.
16) You took a Bible to the prom.
17) You skull resonates when knocked upon.
18 You say that you have mountains of evidence that prove the Bible and Genesis, but people have to buy all your tapes and books to get it.
19) Your doctor tells you that you appear to have suffered repeated blows to the head, but there is no physical evidence.
20) You counter every challenge with "Well, Scripture says . . ."
21) You try to convert with classic lines like "You know, everybody needs God in their life" and "There are no atheists in foxholes."
22) When looking at the smoke from the WTC disaster, you saw the Devil's face.
23) Everything -- EVERYTHING -- strikes you as a sign of the upcoming Apocalypse.
24) You have perfected the art of what to thank God for when disaster strikes.
25) You say things like "If God seems distant, guess who moved? You!"
26) Your cure for the hiccups is "laying on of hands."
27) You can't answer the atheist's question right now, because you're late for your volleyball game.
28 You have the complete collection of Kent Hovind tapes.
29) All your favorite Internet links lead to the ICR, AIG, and Dr. Dino.
30) You never, ever go to bed without a Jack Chick tract.
31) IF your dog is behaving strangely, you call an exorcist.
32) ...when he keeps behaving strangely, you blame the feminists, gays, lesbians, and ACLU.
33) When you say grace, it takes longer than the actual meal.
34) You have never been wrong about anything since becoming a Christian, especially if it has something to do with evolution, astrophysics, or the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics.
35) You have constructed a large boat of enchanted wood in case all of humanity is evil again.
36) You end every post with "God Bless," even when you KNOW it pisses everyone off.
37) You think that Falwell and Robertson are the coolest thing since The Rapture.
38 You can't take a healthy visit to the toilet without shouting "Praise Jesus!"
39) You tell people that orgasms are strictly for multiplying, but secretly thank God it feels so darn good!
40) You say "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for Jesus!"
41) You enjoy waking complete strangers up at 7 AM on a Saturday to invite them to your church.
42) You spell it "evilution."
43) You think every atheist, if they read Jack Chick tracts, would be converted.
44) You log on to a site like Atheological Thinking convinced that you will convert the atheists by telling them about Pascal's Wager.
45) You're looking forward to watching your unsaved friends and relatives suffer eternally in hell.
46) After stubbing your toe, you spend two days reading the Bible and praying in order to figure out what God's purpose in it was.
47) You argue that evil exists because of free will, yet you pray that certain women will sleep with you.
48 You think that prayer will protect you from terrorists.
49) You think that by praying for President Bush he will never say anything stupid again.
50) You resolutely persist in witnessing to people no matter how irritated they are getting, rationalizing that sharing the Gospel is more important than your relationships with them.
51) You spend a lot of time crying over people you are convinced are going to hell.
52) You carry a paint scraper with you at all times, for when you see those "evolve" fish on the heathens' cars.
53) You think that the Pope is the Antichrist.
54) You won't let your kids see Santa because it's an anagram for Satan.
55) You boycott all Disney products because of their tolerance of homosexuality.
56) You don't let your kids trick or treat.
57) You don't let your kids see "The Wizard of Oz" because it has a good witch.
58 You have burned at least one Harry Potter book.
59) You think science is the devil's work.
60) You think "Broomhilda" is a corrupting influence.
61) You voted for Dubya.
62) ...and you honestly believe he is a smart, sensible man.
63) You don't understand all the fuss over Hitler and his "solution."
64) You claim that flat-Earthers do not exist and are made up by atheists to make Creationism look foolish.
65) The University where you got your degree only has one floor.
66) You think that it's hard to be a Christian living in America.
67) You are a Gold Member of Bob Larson's Ministries.
68 You see Richard Simmons as a bigger threat than, say, Saddam Hussein.
69) You don't see the fallacy in equating terrorism with evolution.
70) You add little fishy things < to your sig on message boards.
71) You form a marketing organization to yield donations or sales from the Christian marketplace.
72) You think that savvy marketing is God's solution to ANY problem, in 2001.
73) When someone accuses your church of being too much like a business, you admit with some embarrassment that it's not an efficient one -- completely missing the point.
74) You claim that people and animals have souls, but bacteria and prokaryotes don't because they're ugly.
75) You sell Amway products.
76) When 6,000 people die in a disaster and three survive, you thank God for his mercy and compassion.
77) You don't know the words to ANY song written after 1965.
78 You would give (or have given) ANY amount of ransom money to keep Oral Roberts from being called back to God.
79) You buy all the men you know Old Spice for Christmas.
80) ...and Aquanet for all the ladies.
81) You only listen to AM stations on the radio.
82) You comfort grieving parents with "Don't worry, God will give you another child."
83) You think that baptism isn't necessary to be a Christian
84) You shove your beliefs down the throats of your children.
85) You have yet to learn that non-literal interpretations of Genesis are not necessarily a bad thing.
86) You have yet to learn that non-literal interpretations of Genesis are possible.
87) Your evangelism kit for atheists consists of a Bible and a Josh McDowell book.
88 You try to prove YEC by saying that you saw two scientists on the Discovery Channel prove creation using quantum physics.
89) ...but you refuse to say how that actually works.
90) ...or who the scientists were.
91) You try to prove a global flood by saying the Sphynx shows signs of water erosion.
92) You give an atheist a website address that you claim proves the existence of Noah's Ark, unaware that said site is really trying to prove the Ark of the Covenant.
93) You believe that God has personally killed people that you dislike just for you.
94) You have naughty thoughts about Jan Crouch.
95) You know who Jan Crouch is.
96) Get distraught every time Good Friday rolls around, since "that's the day they killed my savior."
97) You swap Chick tracts like trading cards.
98 You have the Benny Hinn action figure with the Miracle Healing Power Grip(tm) and Turbocharged Combover(tm) accessories.
99) You stop in awe at every nativity scene you pass.
100) You bring two large boxes of Gideon Bibles to your parents' 50th wedding anniversary, just in case.
101) You call 911 every time Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door.
102) You send your kids to Bob Jones University, which understands the importance of keeping "created kinds" seperate, especially in a dating relationship.
103) If anyone suspects you of having any desire for sex whatsoever, you are insulted.
104) You think that offensiveness is next to godliness.
105) You see tolerance as an evil thing.
106) You don't understand what atheists are so pissed off about.
107) You believe the Grand Canyon was created in a matter of days.
108) You ban dancing because it may lead to sin.
109) You celebrate the killing of a homosexual.
110) You believe that two metal beams, forming a cross, left over from the destruction of the WTC and the death of more than 6,000 people, is a miracle from God.
111) You see your minister run the other way whenever you're around.
112) You teach your toddler by asking him, "What would baby Jesus do?"
113) You buy your wife's mascare by the pound.
114) You spend your weekends putting RAPTURE! fliers on cars at Wal-Mart.
115) Organize a church raffle to raise money for new tires on the parsonage.
116) You segregate yoru stamp drawer.
117) You slam anyone who wants peace.
118) You douse a shrubbery in gasoline, toss a match, and try to strike up a conversation.
119) You have a "Mean People Suck" bumper sticker.
120) You've been hit with a restraining order for crucifying someone's pet snake.
121) Every time someone says "geez," you gasp in shock and slap them in the face.
122) You like Landover Baptist (you think it's serious).
123) Someone you know keeps trying to stab you in the head with a broken bottle.
124) You believe that "Thou Shalt Not Kill" should be enforced under penalty of death.
125) You honestly believe that anything any creationist has ever said is true.
126) You are a humorless pedantic.
127) You come to the Secular Web humor forum, and become angry and indignant.
128) You come to the Secular Web for the first time, and make your first serious post in the humor forum.
129) You think that God is not a proper target of humor, criticism, derision, commercialization, secularization, or validation of any kind.
130) You tell your daughter that there is no such thing as mental illness -- it's really demon possession.
131) When you speak the word "Jesus" it contains four syllables: JAY--ee-zus-ah!
132) You honestly believe that Catholics are not Christians.
133) You end every sentence with "God willing."
134) You pray over every major purchase.
135) You have used the verse "Spare the rod, spoil the child" to defend child abuse.
136) You believe that cells have souls.
137) When you become injured, you say nothing -- when it heals, you say Jesus did it.
138) Looking around the room, you realize that you brought more Bibles to the meeting than everyone else combined.
139) You have used aerosol air freshener or a fan to drive demons out of a room.
140) You have read this list all the way through so far, and have not laughed once.
141) When someone curses in your presence, you say "Get thee behind me, Satan!"
142) You have a Bible in every room of your house.
143) Since you substituted your crack addiction for your Jesus addiction, you claim you are a living miracle.
144) Your POS car finally dies, but you spend ten times what the car is worth to fix it because you cherish the dozens of Christian bumper stickers on it.
145) You make sure your bananas are already ripe before you buy them, just in case the rapture occurs.
146) You see nothing funny whatsoever about Leviticus 20:18.
147) You whisper when you say "Ding-Dongs" at the snack counter.
148) You excel in righteous anger.
149) You spend half your time fighting against the heathens who are of the same religion, but not the same church.
150) You have been "Born Again" more often than you have had actual birthdays.
151) You believe there were dinosaurs on Noah's Ark.
152) ...and that they were vegans before the flood.
153) You believe that a "Bible-diet" will allow you to live for hundreds of years, just like pre-flood characters in the Bible.
154) You have a database to keep track of all your wives.
155) You are Customer Of The Year at the Jesus Christ Superstore
156) You are addicted to the ink on "Watchtower."
157) You think it's completely normal when a televangelist sees a 900 foot Jesus.
158) ...because you've seen one yourself.
159) The Moral Majority calls and asks you for advice.
160) Your response to challenges to your faith is "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus."
161) You by "Satan Stomper" shoes from Tammy Faye.
162) Your native language is tongues.
163) You think that Sai Baba is God.
164) You say that all scientific inferences, theories and facts support a young earth, except for those that suppose an old earth because "nobody was around then to see it happen."
165) You complain that the county commissioners are being harassed just because they spend more time defending the Ten Commandments instead of the Constitution.
166) You have the desire to sacrifice a goat before dinner.
167) You let your children be abused by their father because the Bible says women are to be subservient to their husbands.
168) You drink your own urine because it's what Jesus would do.
169) You believe that spontaneous human combustion is linked to demonic possession.
170) You go to church at least three times a week.
171) You believe that all non-Christians are Satanists.
172) You believe that most so-called Christians are really double agents for Satan.
173) You believe that lava proves Hell's existence.

ha,ha,ha,ha,ha...

even though i honestly find them amusing, and i cant lie that i dont, since when is it appropriate to # with someone based on their beliefs? reguardless of what they are? you prick.

Wow! It may be offensive to some, mainly those lacking the ability to laugh at themselves or the absurdity of some doctrines, but I found it hilarious. I would be considered a Christian, based on my core faith alone, but thankfully, I didn't meet any of the criteria for being a fundamentalist, according to your list.

Did you come up with all of those, or did you have help? My attention span is too short to sit down and think up that many points at once!! Ha! Ha!

My impression is the origins of this obvious form of humor stems from David Lettermen�s Top 10. And while the reasons one is a Toltec Nagual have not yet come to mind, I am certain it would make me laugh as much as this one.

Bottom line, if you are upset over this one maybe its time to include such a response as one of the reasons.

I suppose anyone who believes the Bible and doesn't pick and choose, nor waters it down, is a fundamentalist. I find the list to be in bad taste and another example of how the only fair game in the world of PC is the one true God and His people.

But, I have to admit....

I chuckled at several of the them.

Is my sould in danger? Never mind, why am I asking a Godless heathen scum?!?

And of course number ...174..

You expect to handle snakes on Sunday at church.

156) You are addicted to the ink on "Watchtower."

While this is post may be vaguely offensive, the originators should learn more about the subject they wish to poke fun at. The Watchtower is not a Christian Fundamentalist publication. It is a publication of the Jehovah's Witnesses which most Fundamentialists do not consider to be Christian. Again a bunch of atheists show their total ignorance.

49) You think that by praying for President Bush he will never say anything stupid again

Here is one that even TC cannot denie he did at least once

As far as Godless heathen scum TC, keep in mind if there was a draft such criertia would not exclude them.

personally this is my favorite as it was included in a sermon related to religious tolerance...

Was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


Keep in this mind if I did not trully love Christans would in all honesty not bother posting at this site otherwise




[Edited on 8-11-2003 by Toltec]

76) When 6,000 people die in a disaster and three survive, you thank God for his mercy and compassion



I know several of those

These really are funny. Besides, I think God has a sense of humor (I mean, look at a Duck-Billed Platypus, for Goodness Sakes').....

These are cute & I am afraid a few are a little too true.

right? but really why would one who has true faith be shaken by the words of others...


and no these are not my words...

Yeah funny stuff and just goes to show you how you can appear to others.

I would like to see a similar list for others such as liberals or anarchists or socialists or....,

in reference to your request...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
A: Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

Liberal Jokes

Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?

Answer - A competent liberal President.

Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?

Answer - Mace.

Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?

Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.

Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.

bigsage,

LOL!

good stuff man. See there is always annother perspective.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)