Dump him?

Ok, I've been going out with this guy for a year and a half....lately he has gone downhill, when i first met him, he cared about how he dressed, his hygiene, his physique, everything. And he always looked really good. But now he is kind of a slob. His clothes always have stains, he has really gross table manners, and he scratches himself in front of me ALL THE TIME! Not to mention, lately we have been fighting alot. I kind of want to break up, but then I think about all the sweet stuff he has done for me, which is ALOT. He bought my homecoming dress and shoes, he's picked me up when i needed a ride a million times, took care of me when i was wasted and puking, worked on my car for, a lot of really sweet stuff i love him for. But then he has been a total dick to me when we fight, even shoved me, and threw my car keys in a field so i couldnt find them.

Then I have this friend who has been there for me through all of the fighting, and Im kind of starting to like him. I really dont know what to do. Should I give my boyfriend of a year and a half another chance, or should I go out with my guy friend of a couple months? I dunno....I`m really stressing about this....

Did you two get married without you noticing?
Except for the last part, there is quite a similarity to the
"comfort zone" of marraige, skipping the whole honeymoon part.

Have you ever asked him, why the personality change?

As far as who to pick, him or the new guy. I don't think I should advise you on that. I don't know enough about either of them.

Don't pick the second guy just because the first one treats you badly though.
It might make him feel like a rebound boyfriend. Guys are aware of, and HATE that feeling!

That's a really tough situation you're in. I can't tell you what to do, and nor can anyone but yourself. However, I can offer some things to ask yourself that might aid you in making your decision.

First, we all have our problems. You do, I do, your boyfriend does, and your friend does as well. When you first start dating someone, or even seeing someone you're interested in, you tend to be on your best behavior, trying to hide those problems from the relationship. It's usually not until you've been seeing each other for over a year that all sides of a person's personality become apparent in that relationship. So, something to ask yourself is, are you interested in this friend because when you compare who your boyfriend is today with who your friend is today, your friend seems perfect in comparison. If so, be careful, because that will change. He has skeletons in his closet, too.

Another thing to consider is the fighting. Could this fighting be caused by your boyfriend feeling threatened by your friend (even if he doesn't know you have a friend you're emotionally invested in, guys can sense the distance that wasn't there before the other gentleman came along)?

Also, you need to identify what it is that you're bringing to the table that is causing these fights, too. Most of the time, fighting in relationships is not one sided, both sides are contributing to the angst taking place. This you should do if you decide to stay with your boyfriend or not; it could help you to fix your current relationship. It could also potentially contribute to another relationship degrading into the fighting cycle that you're currently in. This isn't to say that all of the responsibility is on you, but by taking responsibility for things you may be doing, it will only serve to strengthen any future relationships you have.

I would also suggest two books for you to read. Actually, for everyone to read but hey... The first is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It addresses in detail some of the common misunderstandings couples have, how they often play out, and solutions to them. It is often these misunderstandings that cause the arguments we find ourselves in because men and women think, act and perceive differently. Though the book is very hyped, there is a reason for it, and when I read it it really changed my perspective on where a woman is coming from in some actions that, were I to do them, would mean something totally different.

The other book is called Wild at Heart. It has a religious theme behind it, but that book captures the heart of a man better than any I have ever read. It really breaks down men's personalities, drives, and actions, helping them to understand themselves better, and helping women to understand why men behave in ways that seem so alien.

I hope this helps; I really feel your pain. I've been in all three stations you mentioned, being the one in a breaking relationship reaching out to others, being the one whose significant other is reaching out to others for emotional fulfillment, and being the friend who's there for the person but also has romantic inclinations of my own with them. All three are very difficult situations to be in, and sometimes getting outside help and advise can be very helpful. If there's anything else I can do to help, let me know, and if you just want to talk about it, concerns, etc. with someone far removed from the situation whom you'll probably never interact with in real life, feel free to send me a U2U.

He might be wanting to break up with you, and that is why he has gone downhill. I know I did the same thing when I was in a relationship long ago....I just wanted to "turn her off" I guess.

I say move on, that relationship is dead for now, but who knows if you don't burn any bridges, you two could possibly hook up later when you are older.

Best of Luck to ya

Try to avoid rushing into a relationship with your friend.
Dose you desire to have a romantic relationship with your friend stem from your problems with your boyfriend or geniune feelings ?
Having said that you need to be with the person who will make you happy even if the timing is crappy.

Adult friendships provide a good platform for romance in theroy you get to whats important straight away that is the fact you share common values with your partner. The only catch is that both people have want a romantic relationship.

Originally posted by JustAnIllusion
even shoved me

Any guy who even attempted to shove me would be out the door in a second. Do you really want to be with somebody like that?

If there is any kind of physical abuse, and it sounds like there is, MOVE ON.

Originally posted by JustAnIllusion
Any guy who even attempted to shove me would be out the door in a second. Do you really want to be with somebody like that?

I think that statement offers very good advice and asks an important question.
Cheers Xpert11.

forgot to add - No matter how many good times we'd had, or how much I thought I loved him - He would still be out the door

You shouldn't stay with someone just for the sake of it? You might of loved this person, but people change and so do your feelings.

Go with your gut it's usually right!

There are certain lines that should never be crossed and once they are it merely opens the floodgates for such behavior in the future. Why? Because if that behavior was accepted once without consequences, then it is seen as acceptable in the mind of the person performing it.

Never touch the other person in anger. It destroys respect, trust, confidence, bonds, etc; it makes the victim an object instead of a feeling person. A push may not seem like much, but that is where it begins.

He says he pushed me to keep me from leaving when we were fighting, and that if he just let me leave without trying to stop me, that would have shown that he didnt care about me. I'm not sure what to think about that, but he strongly assures that he wasnt trying to hurt me and never would. He didnt hurt me, it was just a slight shove. Is that kind of thing normal in a relationship? I dont know if I should leave him over that, but I definetly do not want him laying his hands on me when we are angry in the future.

For the people that suggested that he wants me to break up with him, and thats why he is going downhill, then why would he cry and freak out when I have tried to end it? Is that just a facade or something?

I think I will wait a while and see if our relationship improves, and if we do end it, I will stay single for a while.

Originally posted by JustAnIllusion
He says he pushed me to keep me from leaving when we were fighting, and that if he just let me leave without trying to stop me, that would have shown that he didnt care about me.

Is that what he is trying to convince you of or what you are attempting to convince yourself of? Seriously, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you're asking for opinions and I don't play with kid gloves.

he strongly assures that he wasnt trying to hurt me and never would. He didnt hurt me, it was just a slight shove.

It's easy to devise excuses after the fact. However, ask yourself: 1.) Was he angry, 2.) Did he push you, 3.) Did you feel threatened. I wasn't there and didn't see it so any advise I could give is second hand at best. That is not to say that you are lieing by any means, but rather that each of us sees the events through our unique pair of eyes and how it effects us.

Is that kind of thing normal in a relationship?

I don't know the extent of your relationship experience, but it you have to ask this question in the first place then...


No one here can tell you what to do or what is in your best interest; that is something you need to decide for yourself. However recognize that you did present this information on an open forum and that alone shows that you are unsure of a solid stance on the matter. If you have hesitations, then question why you have them. You already know what your going to do, you just haven't accepted that you know yet.

He needs to be sent packing. I do not normaly get involved in stuff like this, but, he showed agression towards you. There is no excuse for a man to lay his hands on a woman, or vice versa (i know some guys who took being beeten by there G/F, it is just as bad). You need to dump this clown and get yourself a real man, who will look after you properly.

[edit on 30-3-2006 by picklewalsh]

Seriously if Your debating leaving the person based on his hygeine, then you should prolly just go. Because if you really want to be with someone ,you see it more as a problem to solve as opposed to a reason to leave. Maybe your heart isn't in it anymore. Which is fine, Your aloud to change the way you feel about someone. Also it sounds like your under 20, if you are trust me, Everyone else in the world has survived breaking up with the love of their life at that age , you will to, Life goes on , it gets better I promise.

As for arguing...............I don't put up with it! Not saying its "my way or the highway" or any rubbish like that, Only that Unless the person is stressed(family problems,money, personal) there is no reason to argue over things that really are pointless, to scream and push each other is immature and unhealthy!

In my own past i've had a girlfriend that was abusive, she would often lose her temper, and just start spouting insults towards me , Screaming not wanting to discuss what was really wrong? when she would notice that i was starting to lose my temper she would get in my face, goading me to hit her . Though i never layed a hand on her, or ever even screamed, I Thought about the person i might become if i stayed around her, She wasn't worth diminishing myself like that. I don't think anyone is worth it. Not saying your particular situation is anywhere near that, but in my predicament I chose what i think is the higher ground.

to sum up my bla bla, While relationships are hardwork,But IT shouldn't be the hardest godman challenge to keep that person in your life. The person in that spot should make your life better, And thats not up to debate.

And if you feel like you need to move on then just do that, If he didn't really want to be with you, Would you want him sticking around because he feels he owes you? or because he thought you were sweet?

Hope this helps, take care.

Bord

Well, I'd hate to pass judgement on the guy without hearing his side of the story, but physical abuse (no matter what the reason) is just wrong.

If you do leave though, I'd suggest taking a long break from relationships. I've known too many girls who after breaking up, rush to fill that empty spot in their hearts.

"I've known too many girls who after breaking up, rush to fill that empty spot in their hearts." I beleive thats called scoring on the rebound and yes too many people do rush crap.

I'll be honest I've hit a woman before but givin my circumstances very different then yours. (she called me on said she could take any man then proceeded to push me i said act like a man you can take one like a man...She got hit once knocked her on her ass hasn't said boo to anyone lol

Im no relationship expert but from my experiences up until my g/f of now 2 years every girl i dated was a bitch.

Not saying your a bitch at all or anything but what did you nag him about? Clothes, Physical appearence, driving, manners etc. ?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I suggest if you break up to stay away from anything serious just go out and and have sex till you forget about the schlub. If you stay together i suggest you ask him what he would like to do and not what time can he come and pick you up or what he looks like and try to get some spark back.

What ever you do and who ever you date next i suggest finding someone willing to swing a lil bit bring a third wheel into the bed or go out and do completely random guys/girls. sometimes they make great breakfast
-----------------------------------------------

dump him and join the french foreign legion......u know it makes sense.

Originally posted by picklewalsh
He needs to be sent packing. I do not normaly get involved in stuff like this, but, he showed agression towards you. There is no excuse for a man to lay his hands on a woman, or vice versa (i know some guys who took being beeten by there G/F, it is just as bad). You need to dump this clown and get yourself a real man, who will look after you properly.

[edit on 30-3-2006 by picklewalsh]

really, r there guys out there that get beaten by their women, those guys must be WIMPS or their wifes must be the size of ogres.


back to topic, maybe ur new friend is blackmailing ur old bf to leave u or maybe he's possessed or something. hire a PI and see if his just a good actor

Originally posted by rottonralph101
really, r there guys out there that get beaten by their women, those guys must be WIMPS or their wifes must be the size of ogres.

Uhh yeah or maybe the guy would just rather take a beating than hit his girlfriend? I'd probably call that guy a gentleman rather than a wimp.

Anyway Justanillusion i'd ask him why he's changed so much and see what he says. Then it's up to you try and interpret his answer to get the true meaning and see his feelings. It might seem hard to leave him but if the relationships not going anywhere there's no point staying in it!

And all of you who say 'yeah just leave him', that's easier said that done lol


I agree that you shouldn't just rush into anything with the other guy friend because it could mess things up with him then you won't have either guy to go to!

I say that, even though I am currently in the position of being the 'other guy friend' and it's hell for me... But things take time!

Good luck!