Straight relationship rant/questions

originally posted by: satellite1
Here's another example, she brought up abortion rights when that was all the hot topic. I said I can see the argument for both sides, it's a womans body if she wants to have an abortion I'm ok with that, there are many reasons why a woman should be able to have an abortion, I'm not opposed to that BUT I think where that situation involves a guy, who is over the moon because he is going to be a dad, shouldn't he have any sway in the decision at all, even if he said, have the baby, I'll raise the kid and we can go our separate ways. As far as my wife was concerned, the dad in this situation has absolutely zero say in it and I find that sad.

Yes men should be included into the decision but ultimately it's her decision. There's only so much your opinion weights in that situation. She will be pregnant, give birth and everything that comes after that. Don't get me wrong, I understand you. And I can imagine the excited feeling about becoming a father! It can not be much different from the feeling of knowing becoming a mother. This is one of the things the becoming mother should take into consideration but it will never be a heavy weight on the scale that determines if she aborts or not.

You can not fathom the changes the body goes through during and after pregnancy as a man, and I am not saying that because of beauty aspects.

Personally, I only support abortion when there are medical reasons but it's not my right to interfere with other's decision. I think self responsibility should go so far to consider like: "You can have sex, you had sex, you knew possible consequences, deal with it like a responsible adult, just like your own parents did".

originally posted by: satellite1
Ah sorry about that. I would say the problems are, she has her own views and opinions, I am not afraid to agree with her or disagree on them however, the same can't be said for her, she's right no matter what. Guys are often wrong in marriages ha, but it gets tedious sometimes.

Here's another example, she brought up abortion rights when that was all the hot topic. I said I can see the argument for both sides, it's a womans body if she wants to have an abortion I'm ok with that, there are many reasons why a woman should be able to have an abortion, I'm not opposed to that BUT I think where that situation involves a guy, who is over the moon because he is going to be a dad, shouldn't he have any sway in the decision at all, even if he said, have the baby, I'll raise the kid and we can go our separate ways. As far as my wife was concerned, the dad in this situation has absolutely zero say in it and I find that sad.

a reply to: olaru12

If it's EXCLUSIVELY a woman's decision to keep the baby or not, FINE.

Then, it is EXCLUSIVELY MEN'S DECISION whether to financially support that baby or not.

Can't have it both ways.
Men are human beings, just like women
We are not mere disposable wallets.

a reply to: satellite1


You sound like a good guy.

Your wife's friends have got to go though, they're poisoning her mind.

For me marriage is about creating a feel good environment and when something bothers you to be able to make your problem relatable to your other half in a non-accusing way.

It's a deliberate effort to keep things easy especially when there's some tension about.

You get what you give, that sort of thing.

People often forget the details about an argument but they will always remember the vibe.

A positive, strong honesty that acknowledges the other person inspires more of the same.

It took me a long time to graduate from ape sounds to where I could articulate in a manner that encourages conversation.

If the other person sees the water is fine then they'll jump in.

But a relationship that is based on identity politics is not a good foundation, except for kinky reasons.

If you can still make her laugh, then I'd say you've got a chance to make it work.

But the blame game has got to stop, moreso from her side.

You're basically doing everything and seem to only want your wife back from this left-right craziness.

Never become a walkover and never walk over her.

Does she perhaps have low self esteem because you're basically doing everything by the sound of it?

She seems to have lost her sense of joy and have become lost in negativity.

It doesn't look like an easy road you're on but I wish you all the best.

Always listen to your instincts.

a reply to: M5xaz

If it's EXCLUSIVELY a woman's decision to keep the baby or not, FINE.

Then, it is EXCLUSIVELY MEN'S DECISION whether to financially support that baby or not.

Can't have it both ways.
Men are human beings, just like women
We are not mere disposable wallets.

I agree with this to a point but life is not as simple as that. What about a mother left pregnant when it's too late and both agreed before but then the father bailed with a five year younger? Letting the pregnant woman sit there alone.

What about these acts of men? See? It isn't that easy.

So glad my parents were apolitical, hell my ex-wife and we never even discussed politics until we were already married with children and even then our differences weren't a big deal and had nothing to do with our breakup. Now she is probably even more conservative than I am.

I lean right but not gonna lie my best relationships were almost always with liberal women. Granted even the hippiest of my liberal GFs didn't necessarily wear thier politics on thier sleeves or worse like a badge or affiliation.

Don't think political ideology is even in my top 50 most important things in a healthy happy relationship. I also know most don't feel that way now even though it was probably the norm when I was younger.

perhaps it's one reason I'm single at this stage of my life

a reply to: M5xaz

Reality is not so black and white. The issue is this is not a problem between 2 humans because an actual 3rd human is involved with this now.

I think both men and women need to think about the possibility of this 3rd human being before they have sex that can result in this 3rd human being. Punishing this 3rd human being because you made a bad life decision and someone else won't fix it for you isn't exactly a mature way to go about life IMO.

Anyway... This discussion isn't one for this thread.

originally posted by: Creep Thumper

originally posted by: nerbot

originally posted by: Creep Thumper
Seems to me your wife is being close-minded.

Seems to me you future ex-wife didn't take you seriously enough.

This is amusing beyond belief as I am a woman.

lol, sorry. Perhaps it's the next one.

Thank you kindly for the thought-out response, someone else pointed out the paragraphs too, I really wasn't focusing on that, more so just the content. It's been a while since I posted here but will definitely consider for future posts.

"Evidently this all bugs you a lot, or else you would not have asked for advice here"

It does, it take a lot for me to ask for help/advice, I have never tried to get any counseling before but i'd say not long after the spat that followed up with her group chat, I tried to get appointments to talk to someone, it took a lot to pluck up courage to reach out and do that, 3 different professionals turned me away because they were just too booked up, I gave up and haven't bothered since.

"I got a vibe from your description about your wifes friends. Who in their right minds offers money to a friend so they leave their husband? A clear WTF moment here."

It also makes me wonder how she portrayed me for them to go those lengths, I can understand it if I was a bad person but talking about a very serious subject that impacts all our lives is not a reason to give someone money to get away from them.

"No, masculinity is not a bad thing. Humanity would have had a hard time without it. And you're not overly masculine from your own description, which is not a bad thing. Physically maybe but not mentally. Maybe it's the wrong way to phrase it."

It's hard to describe because as I say I never thought I'd have to, I'm a middle-aged guy developing a beer belly :-)

"- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your wife?
- Do you feel loved by your wife?"

I love who I am, i'm proud of the man I am. I worry about how the things I do in my life impacts others before they impact me.

Yes I love her.

Not all the time to be honest but I think she has a hard time with love in general She comes from a very small liberal family, her parents were not as loving to her as a kid, she hates them now as an adult. I find that extremely sad. My mum raised 4 of us on her own, sometimes without gas and electric. My dad was a womanizer and left us all, kids all under 10 as well, but I still love him. I have a bond with my mother and siblings that is immensely strong and loving. Although I am jealous of not growing up with my dad as my wife did, she didn't get the love I did, so I think this is a major factor.

"If any of these questions results in a no, it's time to overthink your situation. Before I went reading your post, I grabbed myself a tea and thought like "No matter what, you're not going to be the one to advice divorce". So that's why you won't get that from me but think wise."

I am a big tea drinker too. As I mentioned before to someone else, I am in this for the long haul, it would ruin my son if I left, he means the world to me, he needs me in his life and he's a very sensitive kid too, it would be awful for him to see us split up. I do fantasize about leaving but all I see is my son, if I do go that route eventually, it will be when my son is old enough to look after himself.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and offer your thoughts, it means a lot.


a reply to: TDDAgain

a reply to: satellite1
The fact you did not do paragraphs in told me you just typed from your soul and was a hint on it's own. I don't think it was lazyness or inexperience, you just typed from your heart.

It escaped me somehow that you have a son. This makes things more complicated. I don't want to influence you in any ways, just going through different scenarios. Before you make any decisions you really should try talking to your wife. Maybe go to her in a moment she is not stressed and take her by the hand, look her into the eyes and ask for a clearing talk. Taking her by the hand to get closeness and also to get a first feeling on her reaction. By not stressed I mean, let her come home, don't approach her at the door.

Talk about it. I had the impression this failed but CS is right, even more so now I know you have a son. I can't help you with that but I want to caution you about something I observed in my circle of friends:

Keep in mind, however it goes down, if you are the one initiating divorce, depending on the age of your son, it may look like to him you left. Often children then think it's their fault, on top of it. If, and only saying if you move out, then don't do it without talking to your son, together with your wife. This will make things a lot easier.

A divorcing couple's children have a hard time currently because both went apart after she cheated on him and didn't want to give the family any chance. He subsequently moved out but there was never a clearing talk with the child. And that child is sitting in between the two. It now thinks the father actually left the family and the mother won't clear that up. The relationship between the father and the child is broken and the two had a very strong connection before.

The father is a broken man now, both financially and mentally. He was a happy man before and now both the father and the child suffer while the wife #s around and has time time of her life.

originally posted by: CriticalStinker
a reply to: satellite1

You all need to take a step back and sit down.

If you love her, explain that. Make sure you are both on the same page that when you have discussions, it’s best to explain why you see things a certain way rather than trying to prove the other person wrong. Conversations are much healthier when the objective is understanding and not winning.

If one of you all can’t agree to that, I’m not sure you’ll be able to have a healthy partnership. No two people agree on everything and nor should they, especially significant others. You’re supposed to see each others blind spots and help show those without it feeling like a competition.

I tell her every single day that I love her, she doesn't with me but i'm ok with that, we are not the same personalities.

Being on the same page with discussions is extremely tough. I have changed the way I talk about things with her because I know she is unwilling to change her views on things. It's not on me to make her change her views either, I do try to meet her in the middle too if I may not agree but I don't get that back from her, that's fine but it becomes tough, i'm not right all the time I would never be that guy, but she seems to be that woman, that's why I try not to talk about these things too often with her.

Thanks for your response.

a reply to: satellite1

So let me get this straight, she doesn’t work, doesn’t cook, does a little cleaning once in a while, and gives you woketard sh!t constantly?

Sorry bro, but you need to leave her. It won’t get better. It will only get worse. She sounds like a little better version of my ex.

a reply to: satellite1

Yes I love her.

One person does not equate to a relationship. If your feelings aren't reciprocal you have nothing to create or sustain a relationship with.

I am a big tea drinker too. As I mentioned before to someone else, I am in this for the long haul, it would ruin my son if I left, he means the world to me, he needs me in his life and he's a very sensitive kid too, it would be awful for him to see us split up. I do fantasize about leaving but all I see is my son, if I do go that route eventually, it will be when my son is old enough to look after himself.

Children are pretty resilient and often do better after a divorce than they did living in a tension-filled environment. Shelter kids from painful life events had led to young adults with no coping skills in recent years, it seems.

Your wifes' friend don't appear to have a very good opinion of you-and the only information they could be judging you on is what she gives them.

Children learn what they live, so it appears an honest examination of where you're headed is overdue. I'm not very good saying things diplomatically, so please forgive my harshness.

It sounds like you're in a pretty disfunctional relationship where you're fighting against each other rather than creating a lifeetime of happy memories. If that dynamic doesn't change, your son will grow up nowing this is what a normal, happy relationship looks like.

I wish you the best and hope you both want to fix this, or agree to create a differnet, more peaceful life for your son. Using him as a reason not to change things for the better is doing him no favors in the long term.

Old adage: The one who loves the least controls the relationship.

originally posted by: TDDAgain
a reply to: CriticalStinker
I support this and now feel I should have added the line to my post that includes talking with her. It was kind of obvious to me this already failed but should have been the first advice.

However, I did not get any competitiveness from the opening post. What I did pick up was a certain vibe about his wife that I know from real life. Women can be cruel with the face of an angel. The OP gave me the impression that satellite is a lot confused and insecure because his world view was toppled. Something he though he is in alignment with the person he shares his life, broke.

Maybe the OP can say a few words about it to clear that further up.

My viewpoint in life is breaking unfortunately. My wife has gone from not owning a cell phone to having one that is now glued to her face. She is in what everyone coins as the "woke" crowd. We never talked about who we voted for or politics when we first met. These days she often asks as her first response, if I am a republican when we talk about anything and I hate that. Why can't what I am saying come from my own mind, why does it have to be from a political view or party in her eyes? I have very little confidence in us coming together and finding any good way to talk about things in the world so I just try not to. We don't have a horrible relationship to be fair, it's just rapidly changing because of view points and I find it difficult to adapt to things I might not want to. I feel like it's always on me to adapt or agree with her. We met because of our love of music, I used to write songs, I still do sometimes but as someone interested in conspiracies, the words I write are in line with that and she got opinionated on that too so I try not to sing loud lol, I really do laugh out loud at that because it's sad. She's not an ogre too and she does have anxiety issues. I'm not sure I cleared anything up?

a reply to: satellite1

Oh, I forgot to ask the big question....

Are these friends of your wife who are undermining your relationship... are ANY of them men by chance?

If so... you know the deal.

Friends my @ss, more of a weasel waiting for the opportunity.

a reply to: satellite1

It also makes me wonder how she portrayed me for them to go those lengths, I can understand it if I was a bad person but talking about a very serious subject that impacts all our lives is not a reason to give someone money to get away from them.

IF your wife is a 'drama mama', then she may well be exaggerating or distorting events when she discusses with these other people.

Still -- as TDDAgain said, that is very much 'WTF' territory, no matter how your wife depicted you to them. Especially as you indicated you considered some of them your friends as well.

Sadly, I've run across people who seem to think wrecking the marriages of others is a game. IF your wife enjoys associating with those sorts, then I would also advise to at least start identifying lawyers with whom you would be comfortable hiring. Don't wait until you get blindsided and then have to react hastily under heavy emotional stress.

Cheers

Thank you for the response. I need to keep the family together for my son. I know firsthand what it's like for your dad to leave and I can't do that to him.

a reply to: DAVID64

a reply to: satellite1

Do you even like who your wife is now? Does she like you?

Children do worse in a dysfunctional home than they do in a separated home. I'm not saying your should separate but you should see a couples counselor and work out what you both want from this marriage.

Bickering about small things and what ifs is never the key to a happy life.

"One thing though. You suggest several times that your wive is straight, yet, right at be top of your post you say ''I think''.. That struck me. Do you question that? Do you wonder if she might ALSO have an attraction to other women? I don't know Sat, but that small point did jump out at me in reading."

I say that only because I truly don't know if she is 100% straight, I assume she is but making assumptions gets me into trouble.

If I let her read this thread I fear she would just lose her cool and go nuts. I can't risk that.

Thank you for your response and advice.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

"To see balance we need to look to nature. Masculinity is what protected families, provided for them. Not that women didn't but with the real hard, heavy work that insured survival it was men who made it happen for the most part. That capability is attractive to women despite all this temporary brainwashing."

You hit the nail on the head here, I think I was trying to say something like this, men have their attractions through masculinity, which is different than arrogance and being vain and certainly not a horrible thing to be afraid of.

Thanks

a reply to: igloo

Trust me that subject has never come back up and won't. I'll keep my opinions to myself on that one. I can only go as far as empathizing since I have no idea what it is like to be a woman, but with respect give my opinion from a man's perspective, that didn't work, so it's a closed subject in our house, from me that is.

originally posted by: Identified
a reply to: satellite1

I appreciate your stance but...

I will say that as you are a man you probably should, for the sake of everyone involved just sit out the abortion debate.

It isn't as if in the grand scheme of humanity women have had much choice in this aspect, so some women really don't want to hear from a man right now about that. Is it fair? No. But it wasn't exactly fair for women for much of humanity either.

Besides where is this debate with your wife getting either one of you? No where it sounds like.