It's ok to be ordinary, says Alain De Botton

"If you can deal with just riding a bike through town and that's ok, something's gone right in your past. If you're a parent and your child has no ambition to become famous, you're doing something right because that means that that person is able to deal with being them without too much other stuff."

Of course, everybody knows I'm the farthest thing from ordinary (lol, sometimes we don't have a choice in the matter) ... and that's why this hurts my heart so much, because I know it to be true.

Because a person who defines and judges anyones worth based on materialistic things like the weight of ones wallet, how much stuff they have, or what job they have or who they know or how famous they are... "is somebody with an incredibly intense need for love," says Alain de Botton, "who has not been able to find the honor and respect they need in normal ways and therefore they're needing so much more stuff in order to feel they have the right to exist."

And why does it hurt my heart so much to know that this is the truth...? Or is it my ego that is stricken. Because I understand what it means to be so desperate for love, for attention, desperate to feel like I belong, to be part of something big and beautiful and important. I am exactly the person that he's talking about, the person who has not been able to find the honor and respect in normal ways... and therefore I'm needing so much more stuff in order to feel like I have the right to exist.

It's not unlike the jokes about how if you don't pay the right kind of attention to your daughter, then she'll grow up and become a stripper.

It's relatable in other ways, the giant egos struggling to be heard and known (including my own ego), due to a great deficit in one's natural state, a great loss that's been experienced... great suffering.

Whether or not people can face this about themselves... I know it to be true(of myself at the very least, and others if I dare be so bold).

I've been going through a kind of ego death in a way... but this ego death has actually sparked new urges of creativity in me, but peaceful, and with the desire to connect with others with meaning and purpose and with one thing propelling me forward... and that is, I just want to do everything that I can to help reduce the suffering of others, and not add to their suffering.

Of course, sometimes a revelation like this can hurt initially, ego death can hurt, but it releases so much other unnecessary suffering in the process that it is a total reduction of suffering in the end, if that makes any sense.

Dear universe... I'll do everything I can, I promise. And forgive me for being so extra, I just can't help myself sometimes!

Video below for reference, pls commit to these 8 minutes and maybe begin to experience your own ego death, it may start with anger, even rage, and a great resistance at what's been said, but then... maybe the question remains, maybe there's some truth to it:

a reply to: geezlouise

This is the second thread in the last few says that have brought me in mind of the old American Prophet, Steve Miller and his song Livin in the USA. The quote from that tune comes quickly to mind in relation to your post. ""Livin in a plastic land''

This whole place is a phony as a four dollar bill. It has gotten to the point that each and every child now needs his own personal choice of '' Super hero'' to emulate in order to grow up. I wish I was smart enough to understand just how insidious this super hero syndrome is, how far from reality it is carrying people into the realms of '' special''

a reply to: geezlouise

Be yourself and don't define yourself by other people's standards. You have always been a thoughtful little love bug and that in my book means a lot. Hugs!

agree entirely. my ego left the building many years ago.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

"The whole game that our culture is playing is that nothing really happens unless it’s in the newspaper,” says Alan Watts. He talks about how this obsession with recording everything has taught our children “that they don’t exist authentically unless they get their names in the papers,” his exact words. Of course, back then social media didn't exist... but I think he predicted the development of it basically in that one quote.

On top of the whole super hero thing, yeah I see it... but btw I myself happen to looooove super hero stuff lol, trust me I love it and I currently loooooove Loki (is he a super hero?).

But no doubt about it, there is something dark to this agenda, I have written about it elsewhere. All of this being special and big and important thing. Everybody having to be special, while also everybody having to be equal... it doesn't match reality, and when our perspective stops matching reality, there will be consequences (usually perceived as negative in nature, could be perceived as positive though in the sense that something is being corrected).

I'm open to being corrected!

a reply to: Night Star

I LOVE YOU FOREVER NO MATTER WHAT!!!

I am so glad to see you still up and around, hugs!

a reply to: RoScoLaz5

I have gone through several ego death events, lol. Does it ever really stop? For me there is this perpetual becoming /unbecoming, doing/undoing... like an ouroboros, or a phoenix, or even a jesus who is born (becoming) then crucified and dies(unbecoming) and then is resurrected(becoming). Or like Sisyphus... pushing that rock up the hill (becoming) only for it to fall back down the other side(unbecoming) only to push it back up again. Been reading the Myth of Sisyphus by Camus, life is absurd man. Absurd!

a reply to: geezlouise
Louise, you hit a nerve here.

After plenty of self reflection even before you post, I partly agree but it's a bit different for me. I will type it down now, full disclosure and I really don't care what other's think about this. If it helps somebody else, that's enough.

I've been through a lot in my childhood. When you see that your own parent's don't trust you for things happening that you don't understand, are not at fault for, it breaks something in you. When get the impression every interaction is based on a suspicion, again something a child can not know when an adult preys on them. You just want to be appreciated. Then my family died and I couldn't close that chapter. I will never be able to ask if their love for me faded and today, I would formulate it very different.

I would ask if I deserved that treatment as a child, I would ask them what of it exactly my fault was so they would isolate me from the family. That's how I felt. That's how I felt after waking up in ICU and hearing what happened.

In school, because of my speech issue, I got ridiculed. I got ridiculed for the way I dragged my leg behind, for hiding my body because of the scars. Nobody would shower after sports when I was in there, I felt like frankenstein.

My uncle, a former member here, verschickter, was not like my parents. I would describe him as a philantropic, fd up excentric but good hearted genius. But he was sort of like me. There's more to it but let's not make it complicated: The letter I received about 11 months after his death where he confessed that he's my real father because he cheated on his brother corrupted me mentally but let's jump back to my youth. Maybe my parent's knew and I felt it. I still loved them and their loss destroyed me.

Being a crippled, speech issue ridden, outed bisexual in class isn't easy. When I first started to die my hair red, I didn't do it for attention. When I got my scars tattooed over, I didn't do it for attention. Being in the influence field of my uncle, in need for a stable person that loves me like I am, I became the women I am today.

He didn't cut me any slack, no pitty. He wasn't cold but he wouldn't allow any weakness to be used as an excuse. I never heard from him that "This was good", I only heard critique. I don't blame him for this, we all are shaped by our surrounding, but that's not an excuse either.

I just wanted to be appreciated. That's why until today I can not handle compliments. I just don't believe it. People tell me how awesome they say they think I am. How badass and focused, the energy I put into things and most things I touch just chooch and work.

It's hard for me to hear that because I can't stop. I am perfectionist and I know it's not good. Now, enough background info, you wrote about making other suffering and you isolated yourself because of that? This is true for me and I killed a friendship, the only real deep friendship I ever had, partly because of that.

Then, you will read a lot of things from me that will come over like posing. Since I give a # about what others think about me, most of the time, I can explain what it is for me:

I throw these things out there, that I sported 1000hp cars, drove races and how amazing the Tycan is, not to pose but because I am enthusiastic about it. It's a fishing line thrown out to poke those that love the same things I love. To get them out and answer.

If I could, I would enable the experiences I was allowed to make in that field to everyone. Have them feel the joy I did. But then I know because of my Synesthesia, my senses are all 99% sensitive. The experiences I marvel about might not be that strong for others.

Still I know about the impression it gives. Or when I talk how I do charity. It's not posing, it's attention seeking in a way to meet new people that like the same topic. Being appreciated for my existance.

Because that's something I crave, because I didn't had this in my youth from the point on, where an adult decided to abuse me and my parents both made it clear to me that I am partly at fault.

This all came flowing out of my heart, I didn't go back, went over sentences so it could be a very crazy looking post. I feel you are able to grasp and understand what it is for me, that you described.

In the hope it helps you even a tiny bit.

I love you louise

a reply to: geezlouise

I really like that video.

A thing that I noticed is that there is no mention of "ego death".

I guess it matters how one defines ego. Bottom line, it means "I", "me", "myself". Time enough for ego death after I die.

As for me: I (ego) am the only judge qualified to determine whether I (ego) am having an acceptable life.

He mentions the false narrative that "we can be anything and achieve anything". Also stated as "you make your own world", or even "you deserve the world that you have chosen".

No. I did not make this World. I do not determine when it rains or what my neighbor may decide to do. All I have to do is live, and letting live is a part of that.

If I go on, I'll just spout more clichés so I better stop.

PS
Every once in a while I check to see if my name pops up in Wikipedia. I've rubbed shoulders with quite a few people profiled there. Lucky for me that none of those people have mentioned me. I don't know what I'd do if ...

a reply to: ThatDamnDuckAgain

I love you deeply. I feel that I do understand you... and that you understand me, without words even, because words can be so tricky lol.

I want you to know that I know for a fact that it's not wrong to seek attention... it's part of the human condition! Every time anybody posts a thread or a comment on ATS, they're not saying "don't read my thoughts." On the contrary, they're saying "read me read me read me, I want your attention please!"

Like you said sometimes we're just looking for other people who are interested in the same things as we are, we all do that. That's natural and healthy. Not all attention seeking is desperate and unhealthy.

Now, there is another level to it... when we degrade ourselves- maybe we let ourselves be taken advantage of, for example, and get hurt, in our chase for attention. That could be a problem, that could be potentially unhealthy. Or is it? If a girl learns to take off her clothes for attention and money, is it wrong?

For me, I have felt though, that I have had to go the extra mile... in order to impress people. Impressing people doesn't require a real connection, instead I felt that I have had to do this to survive. But I'm tired, and I don't want to impress people anymore... lol, I just want to live and connect. And if I happen to be extraordinary, that's ok too. Part of that is like you said, the things that happened to us which set us apart from others in life. Maybe we're all a bit extraordinary too, but if we're all special then nobodies special, looool.

I'm so circular!

a reply to: pthena

Yeah I just added the ego death thing in there.

Why do I love you so much?

I like what he said about that too, teaching that false narrative to children is setting them up for so much unnecessary suffering. Like you so eloquently put, it's a false narrative... not a true narrative, and it doesn't match reality. There will be consequences!

a reply to: geezlouise

Why do I love you so much?

I don't know.

But since ThatDamnDuckAgain, spilled her guts, I feel inclined to reciprocate.

I'm a broken ego. Split. So I'm never alone.

Now the teachers of Shamanism would say, "Aha! That's what it takes!" But don't you dare call yourself a shaman unless you pay the fee and go to the recognized school. But alas, the only legit schools are in Mongolia or Siberia. And I don't fly.

So I talk to my self a lot. I'm even a fair bit of an animist: "Hello Sun. Hello Tree." I have no trouble making friends. After all, there are so many grasshoppers, birds, and even rocks.

But life isn't all happy happy joy joy. I've stood on the bridge before, looking down at the water and wondering ...

Curiosity, they say, killed the cat; but no. Curiosity is what keeps me going; learn another thing, meet another bug, wait to see if my predictions come true, that sort of thing.

I guess you could say, I'm a wait and see sort of person.

a reply to: geezlouise

I want you to know that I know for a fact that it's not wrong to seek attention... it's part of the human condition! Every time anybody posts a thread or a comment on ATS, they're not saying "don't read my thoughts." On the contrary, they're saying "read me read me read me, I want your attention please!"

Wise words. IMHO the attention seeking is the vehicle to try being understood and appreciated.

Now, there is another level to it... when we degrade ourselves- maybe we let ourselves be taken advantage of, for example, and get hurt, in our chase for attention. That could be a problem, that could be potentially unhealthy. Or is it? If a girl learns to take off her clothes for attention and money, is it wrong?

With my background in BDSM I have gained additional insight into degradation mechanisms. I am not into it as a kink, to prevent misunderstandings.

Degradation is happening inside the head of the degraded. You asked me if it could be potentially unhealthy and I agree. Your example about stripping, undressing or dancing for money... that's not unhealthy per se. I was living in Berlin for a short time, my wild times. That's the point of my life where I was homeless. My fault. Not because of drugs, I just bailed my life because I felt being pressed into a mold.

There, I worked as an escort. I never stripped but I knew strippers and naturally we talked. Among many things, the degradation question came up and there's basically two avenues to explore:

- It's my body, I am proud and it's not degradation if I let those guys throw money at me. The guys are to pity (I personally disagree with the pity part)
- I am only doing it for a short time to get money because it's hell for me.

While doing escort jobs, I never had sex with the client though so I don't know that avenue and how I would have felt. I knew my dignity wouldn't allow this to happen, and if, it would be because I wanted to. Clients liked to book me for business dinners and similar. Most of the times the other(s) had escorts too. Everyone at the table knows about it, as it's often obvious. It's just a show for the rest of the people around. Two guys having dinner isn't the same as two "couples" having dinner. It's show, "look at these, sharp dressed, fancy restaurant, women = success.

Scold me if it's to assuming and personal:

The issue I see you have is that you figured out why you did it, after the fact. That bothers you. Yes it's unhealthy done for that reason, but you know what? You are strong and you know about it. You already realized it's a mistake and unhealthy. Now look forward and learn from it. Don't look back, you can not undo it. Make the best out of it and see it as a lesson you had to learn. Not because of destiny, but circumstances in your life prevented you from gaining this insight.

Now rise from the ashes because you're strong!

a reply to: pthena
I spill my gut's all the time, don't orientate yourself on what I do

It's also nice to see you around phtena, even when we disagree with each other, it's always a polite and fair discussion

a reply to: ThatDamnDuckAgain

Scold me if it's to assuming and personal:

Um ... Maybe. Things shared in private and so forth.

Now I'm feeling old. I can't quite determine whether The Crazy Horse Saloon that I went to in Las Vegas is even there any more. (Looks like it changed names alot ).

So my work associates were all like "Man you just have to go to the Crazy Horse. It's really hot!"

So one afternoon I went, alone, on the "off hours" so to speak. So I'm sitting there drinking my beer and listening to the topless girls talking. "So I got a new baby sitter, 'cuz the day care center reduced it's hours." "Oh yeah, that's the pits, I can't work the high paying hours, just the afternoons."

So I'm sitting there thinking "hmm, normal women, with normal everyday problems".

That's not to say I didn't tip them generously, but I didn't feel much like going back during the "on" and "hopping" times. So I never did.

a reply to: ThatDamnDuckAgain

don't orientate yourself on what I do

It's not that I'm a stalker, not much, I'm just curious, that's all.
Oh, I get it, like I'm a copycat.

even when we disagree with each other, it's always a polite and fair discussion

That's because I don't over estimate what sort of impact my words will have on society at large. I'm rather pessimistic that way. It may seem to me that I know best, but I'm likely to be wrong. And, after all: people do what they do. It's not like I'm the boss of them.

a reply to: pthena

I am like you.

But I do understand how curiosity killed the cat, lol!

It could be about something seemingly innocent like, where does your husband really go every night around 8:30PM for a couple of hours... he says he's going to a friends or the bar or whatever, but where is he really going? It is something that just recently started to happen but after some weeks has become so consistent. And the curiosity increases until one day you begin to follow him, and the truth you discover just happens to destroy your marriage. BOOM. Curiosity killed the cat. Something like that. It could also be applicable to scientists and their experimentation... or like in Eyes Wide Shut, the main character gets curious and it leads him to being involved in something he didn't initially sign up for.

Anyway, I am insanely curious myself! I know it's a double edged sword, on the one hand it does keep me full of wonder, and wonder keeps me going too! I love to meet new bugs too, lol. But I'm not blind to the fact that it also can be dangerous for me, lol. For me personally anyway... I have some dark tastes, darker curiosities... it's weird.

Anyway, you're lovely. I am glad you exist in the world, I have appreciated your contributions here and elsewhere in ATS fyi. You feel connected and psychic to me.

Love, Lou.

It comes down to you being the only thing you can control.

When it comes to others, you can't shape how they will see you or treat you or anything else, only how you present yourself to them. If you take pains to be a pleasant person, most will respond well, but there will always be those who won't have it, no matter what you do. You have to accept that you cannot control them.

Aspiring to things that not within your control is dangerous. Aspiring to fame depends on how others see you, always. It necessitates that those others will shape you and control you in no small degree because what you are depends on them.

It was a lesson I learned long ago as a successful competitor - set my goals as much as possible around the things I can control like my heights, my times, my scores. Don't worry about where they fall out in relation to others' marks because I can't control how anyone else does. Strive always for my best and no matter where it ends, I have nothing to be ashamed of if I've done that.

a reply to: pthena

Um ... Maybe. Things shared in private and so forth.

That was from the post towards Geezlouise, to signal that I am aware that my assuming position could be to personal.

My personal opinion is that a visit in a strip club isn't something nefarious and the guys are not to pity. Both strippers and viewers are adults and should know what it's about.

It's more slippery with horizontal business. There you could meet woman that are not doing it out of their free will, still, if it's consenting between both parties, what's the deal.

She's selling her body. He's buying the body. It's a game played by two. It's a private decision, I wouldn't sell my body but I also don't judge.

a reply to: pthena

This was not meant like you stalk me, but because you wrote "Since TDDA spilled her gut's"

Like: Think twice to do the things I do.

I'm rather pessimistic that way.

And I thought you're just a bit grumpy sometimes . Why so pessimistic, see it like this: If just a single thing you will write or wrote already helped on single person in the slightest manner, it's wort it, or not?

While doing that, you had a conversation. Impact on society with words? Forget it, society is deaf. Good deeds impact

a reply to: ThatDamnDuckAgain

Yes cheers!

My big life lesson: consent and what it means, lol.

You have an interesting history!

I worked with a girl for a brief time who said she was an escort when she was homeless as well. But I never got into that. Never stepped foot inside of a strip club, either! Never got into BDSM(at least not in person with a sexual partner)... but there's definitely something seductive about the idea of being tied up and not having responsibility/not being held accountable for my sexuality, is that too personal?! Is that too overt?! I think sexuality is one of my life lessons too, discovering what it really means. Shedding the shame... and it hurts, because I know I come off being sexually aggressive sometimes or forward- which makes me appear super sexual. But really I'm extremely shy, and probably repressed, and traumatized lol. I need sexual healing!

And I shall do my very best to discover/uncover all the truth that I can, no matter what judgements people form about me, and no matter how much the truth might hurt my idea of reality or my idea of myself.

Looooooove,
Lou!

a reply to: ketsuko

Yes to everything you said.

Somebody once told me, "don't compare yourself to others," and it felt so important that I never forgot him and what he said. He was right, if you don't want to live in hell anyway. Don't do that. Compete against yourself, it sounds so selfish and self centered but... it's the peaceful way to go. I too have had to learn this lesson.