Friends and Football [TG2017]

Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walked into a bar.

It was one of the local neighborhood bars in Pittsburgh’s South Side on East Carson. Why Pittsburgh? The Steelers were on and they frankly had nothing better to do on Thanksgiving. Plus, as an added bonus, the bar menu was loaded with eclectic options appealing to all three. A jukebox played classic rock in the background while the televisions broadcast a tight game. A handful of patrons sat alone at the bar or in small groups around tables. A lone server worked the room while the bartender, previously engrossed in the game, turned to greet his new guests.

“What’ll it be?” the hipster-bearded bartender said to Mohammed as he lowered himself onto a stool.

“Club soda, please, with a piece of lime.”

“How about you two?” He asked the Prophet’s drinking companions.

“Water for me,” said Jesus.

“Just make me one with everything,” said the Buddha.

As the bartender turned around to prepare their drinks Jesus commented to Buddha that he didn’t think the barkeep got the joke to which Buddha replied, “They never do.”

The bartender returned with their drinks which he placed on coasters sporting the bar’s logo and mascot, a cartoonish smiling moose. The Buddha’s drink was comically huge and served in a tiki mug with a tiny umbrella.

“Watch this,” said Jesus and pointed his finger at his glass.

“Not again,” the Prophet scorned, rolling his eyes. The glass thrummed briefly as the water mutated into a reddish liquid.

“Chateau Petrus, 1945…de-lish. Such an amazing bouquet,” said the Son of God as he swirled his wine and looked about self-satisfyingly.

The bartender dropped some menus off and turned his attention back to the hometown team.

The Buddha twirled the tiny umbrella and stated to no one and everyone, “As rain falls equally on the just and the unjust, do not burden your heart with judgements but rain your kindness equally on all.”

Jesus and Mohammed both turned to Buddha quizzically.

“I thought we weren’t going to be doing this today?” stated the Prophet.

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

“Wait a second,” explained the Prophet after a moments contemplation, “That’s Aristotle!”

“Indeed, it is my dear Mohammed, my teachings are Universal. Some say my adherents even taught this wandering vagabond when he disappeared in his early years,” and gestured with his thumb at Jesus sitting to his right while taking a giant slug of his boozy drink.

“My wisdom comes from my Father,” came the matter of fact reply while Jesus held up his glass to the light and gazed contemplatively at the wine’s inky depths.

“You guys figure out what you want?” the bartender inquired during a commercial break.

“Hummus,” said the Prophet.

“Daal,” said the Buddha.

“Just bring me a fish,” said Jesus, “and some bread.”

“Right,” said Hipster Beard and shoved the order ticket into the holder in the kitchen pass.

All three returned to their drinks while Creedence played in the background. The server, wearing a tight black outfit, sauntered by with a tray of drafts and caught the Prophet’s eye.

“A little too old for you, no?” taunted Jesus with a smile while the Buddha snickered.

“Har, har. Very funny. Especially coming from the guy whose mommy got knocked up by him before he was born. Pretty gross if you ask me. And what are you chuckling about, laughing man? Your daddy is supposed to be an elephant, you’d think with that pedigree you’d remember not to be a dick.”

“If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wis…”

“Oh, cut the ‘Enlightenment’ stuff,” the Prophet interrupted, “before I hit you in the neck and lighten your body of your head. All I keep hearing is how you two always have the better philosophies.”

“Well, my friend,” said Jesus causally while swirling his Bordeaux, “the Path of Peace is one for all men to trod, and it is the righteous path.”

“Keep it up and you’ll be on the path to pieces,” replied the Prophet and punctuated this by slurping his glass of seltzer dry with his straw while holding Jesus in his baleful gaze, “…again”.

Jesus merely smirked but the tension was instantly broken by the arrival of their food which each of them eyed hungrily.

“Allow me, brothers,” said Jesus and took the piece of the warm parker house roll, muttered ‘body of me’, and then handed Mohammed a pita and Buddha some naan.

“So, friend Mohammed, what of your supporters? What have they given us?” asked Buddha.

“Seriously?” began an incredulous Mohammed, “How about science and mathematics?”

“Ah, but my people invented both.”

“Maybe, but it took us to make them work. I mean, you didn’t even have a zero! How can you do math without a zero? Your followers are worshippers of blue dudes, and multi-headed dudes, elephant dudes and chicks with swords. No wonder they still bathe where they toss their dead,” he goaded.

“Listen,” said an irate Buddha, “keep that up and you’re gonna get some naan violence!” and shook a bread-filled fist at his companion to underscore his sentiments.

“Brothers. Let us not argue,” interjected Jesus, “let us dine together as friends.”

Neither one said anything, so Jesus continued.

“But first let us give thanks. Heavenly father, we thank me for this bounty we are about to receive…”

“I really can’t stand when you refer to yourself in the first, second and third person at the same time,” exclaimed Buddha and shook his head.

“Shhhhh! And bless it to our use. Amen.”

“Amen,” echoed the other two.

“So, what are we to be thankful for this day?” asked the Buddha, “I mean you two probably killed more people than anything else in history.”

“Pretty sure the Commies killed more,” retorted Mohammed.

“They definitely did,” averred Jesus. “But to answer your question, ‘what are we thankful for?’. How about family?”

“Family is good,” said the Prophet, “I had a fairly large one.”

“Friends?” added Jesus.

“Friends are good too,” agreed Buddha. “A continued hope for man’s spiritual growth?” he then added.

“Good one, Brother,” said Jesus nodding his head in agreement and then added, “Football.”

“Yes! Football, a most enlightened sport,” The Buddha merrily exclaimed.

“Except when they kneel during the anthem,” hissed Mohammed, “Show some respect!” and shook his fist at the TV for good measure.

“This too shall pass, my friend. Do either of you want to know who wins the Super Bowl?”

“No!!!” they both cried in horror.

“Oh well, suit yourselves. But it’s gonna be a good one.”

The bartender dropped off their check which caused them to look back and forth at each other.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jesus, “you know how I feel about money.”

Mohammed fished around for a couple of twenties and settled the tab. “Perhaps we should go.”

“Yes,” replied Jesus, “but hold on one second, I need to do something,” and looked up at the game. The Steeler’s kicker was lining up for a long 54-yard field goal with the home team down by 2 and the game clock at :04. The snap was perfect, but the ball began sailing wide right. A waggle of Jesus’ finger and the ball began to curve back. It struck the upright and tumbled through for the win while the bar erupted in cheers.

“Wow,” said Buddha flatly, “the bookies are going to be pissed.”

“I did say I didn’t like money. So, where to?”

“Detroit,” offered Mohammed, “I have a lot of friends there and the Lions are also the late game tonight. It could be fun.”

“Agreed,” said the Buddha.

“Then Detroit it is,” replied Jesus as he draped his arms over his companions, “and it’s gonna be a close one again.”

“Thank me for football,” he added while his two friends groaned.

THE END




Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Nice! It's been far to long since any divinity graced Detroit.

I still need to write mine. Don't have any ideas yet.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
Nice! It's been far to long since any divinity graced Detroit.

Well, hopefully when these guys show up it's Prophet-ible for the city.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Agreed. Hopefully they don't pass harsh pun-ishment on them.

originally posted by: FauxMulder
Agreed. Hopefully they don't pass harsh pun-ishment on them.

I'm going to wager that worse things have happened to that place.

NOOO! The Steelers won!

originally posted by: Krazysh0t

NOOO! The Steelers won!

And they beat the Ravens.

You wrote this from Garland, Texas. Didn't you?

originally posted by: Shamrock6
You wrote this from Garland, Texas. Didn't you?

Server at Langley.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Loved it!

Gimme Jesus waggling his finger in Foxboro to down the Steelers and on to Super Bowl LII.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

A happy thanksgiving story. Nicely done.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Jeezus! Must really hate the Browns!



Thanks for the "Make me won with everything" pun!!

All good stories start with a memorable line. Yours being no exception!

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: Krazysh0t

NOOO! The Steelers won!

And they beat the Ravens.

Unacceptable!

That was a good read.

But I wasn't supposed to read it....😬

originally posted by: BeefNoMeat
Loved it!

Gimme Jesus waggling his finger in Foxboro to down the Steelers and on to Super Bowl LII.

Thank you, glad you liked it.

originally posted by: network dude
A happy thanksgiving story. Nicely done.

You know, all Thanksgiving stories should be happy. It has food, friends, family, booze and football. What the hell else should a made up holiday feature?

originally posted by: TEOTWAWKIAIFF
Jeezus! Must really hate the Browns!

The Browns really hate the Browns.

Thanks for the "Make me won with everything" pun!!

All good stories start with a memorable line. Yours being no exception!

Glad you liked it.

originally posted by: Krazysh0t

Unacceptable!

Ray Lewis is the Devil's handiwork.

originally posted by: chelsdh
That was a good read.

But I wasn't supposed to read it....😬

Too late.

And thank you.