Addiction Advice...

If an addict has infiltrated your life and you are donating much of your time to help them, however they are not willing to help themselves at this point, is it wrong to turn your back on them, knowing that this will most likely make their situation worse but make your own life better?

Should I follow the journey all the way to rock bottom or allow the crash to happen by itself? If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

a reply to: and14263



Yikes, a friend of my GF is in this spot, hes an addict he needs help but will not help himself Shes tried and has been burnt out from it, he is now driving another friend nuts and will continue till he has n o one left, then...well...


Good luck, ive learned you cannot help someone unwilling to help themselves.

I had a life long friend who went on a downhill spiral in his late teens, from 19 he became lazy to a point where he lived in a 3 bedroom house but only lived in his bedroom. No furniture downstairs or anywhere else in the house. His bathroom was grotty, he stunk and the house stunk. over a span on 2 years I was telling him how bad he became, he was my best friend so I was always there to help him out and even sometimes be harsh to try and take the asshole angle to motivate him, neither worked.

He had a child, lost his house and then moved into a small 1 bedroom flat with 2 dogs a kid and his Mrs. Id stop going round, maybe see him once every 4 month or something but every time I went there I'd see the environment his child is been brought up in - even considering ringing the social services due to how unhygienic the house was and possible neglect the child was getting, also adding to the fact that they smoked marijuana around the child.

My friend wouldn't listen, we had many arguments about what the hell he was doing to him self and his child but still didnt change.

I decided the best thing to do is get him out of my life because not only am I part of his downfall, I am also party responsible for the child.

I found cutting him out very hard, we were best friends for nearly 20 years. Like you I asked for help, from family and other friends, they just said leave him but its hard. You'll get a bunch of different opinions here but it'll always boil down to you. If he/she doesnt sort their self out one day it'll just click and you'll walk away, maybe its that which will motivate them to get their ass in gear and change? I thought it would, but it hasnt - He still sniffs & smokes all his money in a 1 bedroom flat with 2 dogs and now two children.

Some people are destined to be addicts/bums because they enjoy it too much.

a reply to: and14263

Technically, you answered your own question.

You sound like you truly care and are a good person.
Point blank, don't risk it all for something or someone who doesn't mind dragging you down as well when its obviously been discussed but they don't care anyway.
The individual isn't there yet....at bottom, and it's only going to be Hell before they decide to throw the shovel out.
You can be completely ruined...I mean your life and everything you have could be annihilated.

If the person doesn't care, let them go.

I'm serious.

It hurts, but you must set a limit....a well defined boundary that cannot be revoked our changed. Sorry...but as long as you tolerate it, the more embolden the addict becomes and then the manipulation game starts....

It's already starting...

Keep strong and make your position clear and to the point.

a reply to: and14263

Some people take advice,others are examples of not taking advice they play off others emotions because they don't care,some need to see the reality ,but some never do,because they are enamored with their said addiction kind of like offering someone a cigarette to an addicted smoker,by helping their addiction you are harming rather then helping,everyone needs to become an adult sometimes

It's quite a dilemma. We often find that we are throwing our life into lost causes and it's difficult to take a stand and walk.

I don't believe there is a right answer to this problem. You need to weigh up the pros and cons, including the impact on yourself for walking away. This is because staying with a lost cause may be less of a weight than washing your hands of it.

Anyway, most situations are not "lost causes", so sorry for using that term.

originally posted by: hopenotfeariswhatweneed

Good luck, ive learned you cannot help someone unwilling to help themselves.

People have abandoned 'personal responsibility' at every level.

a reply to: and14263

and14263 look into Motivational Interviewing for techniques/ideas.

Addicts are only able to start change when they are ready. Or at least have some insight that they have an addiction which is affecting themselves and others. If your addict person is aware they have a problem and are at least thinking about getting better- look into Motivational Interviewing

Source: trained AOD/mental health worker (but not working)

Edit to add: If the above doesn't start to help, palm the person off to trained professionals/organisations. You and your family's well being is priority.

originally posted by: and14263
If an addict has infiltrated your life and you are donating much of your time to help them, however they are not willing to help themselves at this point.

Beat yourself up about it, but....

You cannot help those who are not prepared to help themselves.

is it wrong to turn your back on them, knowing that this will most likely make their situation worse but make your own life better?

A no brainer .... they are not wanting Help .... they are absolving themselves of

personal responsibility.

Should I follow the journey all the way to rock bottom or allow the crash to happen by itself? If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

Who is your priority?? if you can only save one family OR friend??

originally posted by: eletheia

originally posted by: hopenotfeariswhatweneed

Good luck, ive learned you cannot help someone unwilling to help themselves.

People have abandoned 'personal responsibility' at every level.

Very judgemental. Does this attitude solve anything? Does this really "advise" the OP?

When I married my wife it was until death do we part (even death has not managed to part us). She had huge mental health issues and was addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs. She also could be very psychotic and dangerous on rare occasions (I wrote all about it in another thread recently). It was not her fault. It was due to being abused as a child. My love for her was such that I meant what I said. Is love and partnership so shallow that when difficulties arise the unafflicted one does a cowardly "runner" from the situation? What kind of love is that? In Britain we call that a "fair weather friend". Generally, notice that female addicts are tolerated much more than male ones. Male addicts only get blame and shame because they ain't so cute. I've seen it all having worked with it and lived it. YOU CANNOT THROW HUMANS AWAY and treat them as garbage. At best they will haunt you in one way or another. One day someone may come along who considers you garbage and worthy of only throwing away like a piece of trash.

I have just completely turned on its head your "personal responsibility" here. Is it really "responsibility" to turn away from a loved one in times of crisis when you may well be the last nail being hammered into their coffin lid by abandoning them?

Have you ever heard a story by a very wise Man called "The Good Samaritan"? If I loved somebody I would find the resources to address the situation positively. That might even involve kicking them out for a while and giving ultimatums, but I would not abandon them. Assertiveness and correction can achieve miracles.

You guys think with closed minds. Your boxed in "morality" is sooo double standard. It is very old fashioned, almost barbaric. The worst of these attitudes are that they count anyone beneath standards as not worth the same consideration. That is a LIE. It is a disgusting judgemental attitude and is on a parallel with an eye for an eye in terms of ethics. It will create a world of avoiding responsibility rather than hypocritical claims of honoring it. Society as a whole must reap what it sows just as the individual does. The problem will only grow worse until the right answers are found.

I have lived and worked with addicts all my adult life. All male members of my adult family use marijuana. They are the nicest, least judgemental people I know. They are very wise family people. It's only 10.30 am here in the UK and I have just got myself in the mood for the day listening to cool creative electronic music and indulging in my own habit. Life feels good. I am creative. I have my interests going strong. I love my family. If I met the new love of my life tomorrow and she later told me she was addicted to something I would not run away. I would try and help her. Sometimes you can't stop a person. You can help them and address the issues that are side effects. That is a more down to earth and realistic possibility.

You could run like a rat from a sinking ship. However, you may later discover that LIFE is a sinking ship. Best not to fall into that class metaphor of a "rat" too often though, for obvious reasons and subsequent connotations.

a reply to: Revolution9

I live by the Good Samaritan parable!

originally posted by: and14263
If an addict has infiltrated your life and you are donating much of your time to help them, however they are not willing to help themselves at this point, is it wrong to turn your back on them, knowing that this will most likely make their situation worse but make your own life better?

Should I follow the journey all the way to rock bottom or allow the crash to happen by itself? If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

I have been on both sides of this situation and would say with absolute clarity that you need to let them deal with it without you as it will rag you down and you could end up in a worse state than them by the end of it.

Do what you can in terms of finding them the help they need from professionals and then cut the ties with the promise that you will be waiting when they make the decision to change and rejoin the rest of us.

originally posted by: Revolution9
Very judgemental. Does this attitude solve anything? Does this really "advise" the OP?

The OP was asking about helping a friend at perhaps the disadvantage

to his family.

Your post is regarding family?

That was not the point of the OP

I have just completely turned on its head your "personal responsibility" here. Is it really "responsibility" to turn away from a loved one in times of crisis when you may well be the last nail being hammered into their coffin lid by abandoning them?

The reality is he can only save one!!??

Priorities ..... family or friend?

I have lived and worked with addicts all my adult life. All male members of my adult family use marijuana. They are the nicest, least judgemental people I know.

Of course they are .... in a constant haze of .... dare I say it , irresponsibility.

If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

Yes, my uncle was an addict and my mother tried to help him forcing rehab and everything she could, he dint want the help and it end badly for then.

One day I enter his room at my grandma house when i was around 4 and he was high, he got mad and grab me by the neck at knife point, my mother pulled out a gun from her purse and that was the last time they spoke. we stop going to grandma house because she still enable him.

The funny thing is after years of abuse, he got married had a son and fix his life by himself.

Don't try to help people that don't want your help.

originally posted by: Indigent

If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

Yes, my uncle was an addict and my mother tried to help him forcing rehab and everything she could, he dint want the help and it end badly for then.

One day I enter his room at my grandma house when i was around 4 and he was high, he got mad and grab me by the neck at knife point, my mother pulled out a gun from her purse and that was the last time they spoke. we stop going to grandma house because she still enable him.

The funny thing is after years of abuse, he got married had a son and fix his life by himself.

Don't try to help people that don't want your help.

As an addict myself I would say that it is not a case of not wanting help.

Regardless of what a lot of people say addiction is an illness and can be caused by many things and trying to "cure" the addiction and not the root of the problem will mearly always be very detrimental to the addict and result in relapse or worse.

People often think they are helping but if you need to fix your car then take it to a decent mechanic with intricate understandings of how they work don't get a bunch of amuters with a load of preconceptions to all dive in and start spouting opinions and trying to fix it.

It will not work in the long run on a car so it certainly will not on something as deeply complex as a human body and spirit.

originally posted by: and14263
If an addict has infiltrated your life and you are donating much of your time to help them, however they are not willing to help themselves at this point, is it wrong to turn your back on them, knowing that this will most likely make their situation worse but make your own life better?

Should I follow the journey all the way to rock bottom or allow the crash to happen by itself? If I follow the journey I run the risk of negatively impacting my own and my family's life.

This is a common mistake people make when they care about addicts. If they're not willing to help themselves, then you're not doing any good by trying to help them yourself. You're just making things worse, not only for them but for yourself and your family. Let them make their decisions. Using drugs is a choice. I've known people who used to be addicts that quit on their own, even working all through withdrawal. Anyone can do it, it just requires the conscious choice to do so.
Now, I personally know people who have used hard drugs and have told me that quitting cigarettes was harder than quitting the drugs. I've never been a drug addict per se, but I was a smoker for like 9 years and I quit cold turkey. Don't let anyone tell you they can't stop using drugs, because people do all the time.

a reply to: and14263

At some point.. for your own sake and your family (you mentioned them too)....you have to let go. Never give up on them...

After a point... you have to let them hit rock bottom.... Never give up on them as I said...

a reply to: and14263

I don't think there's a general yes or no answer to this, only what's going to be right for you and those that you love.
In my experience, I have a brother in law who is addicted to Opiates. The presumed need for the drug led him to a life of crime which in turn has led him to his second prison stay. He left his wife and children over the addiction, made a new family and left them as well. I think the love for his family was not strong enough for him to stop or his love for his family was so strong that he left.
I've enabled him, funded him, saved him, cut him off and every single time, he stabbed me in the back. He betrayed me, my elderly Mother, my children and some of the things that my daughters had to see while growing up may haunt them forever. Once, he wound up in the laundry room floor, with a needle hanging out of his arm, upside down and barely breathing. My children didn't even know he was there. They found him and called me.
He has a few more years of time to do. He wants me to be his 'home plan' again. I've told him no, for now.
In all fairness, I believe some of his drug use is tied to self medicating. He is the youngest brother and they were raised brutally by a brutal man, who in the end changed so massively that he became the love of everyone's life but, those scars may never heal. Too much damage had been done. All of the boys suffer some sort of issues from mental illness, physical health issues, alcoholism etc...
I think that you will have to just decide how much you can take and hope that the damage, if any, that your other loved ones endure can be forgiven or understood by them or perhaps someday the person will finally get the help that they need and rejoin society in whatever positive way that they can, before it's too too late.
Good luck to you all!

a reply to: and14263

No simple answer to that.

Sometimes you turn your back on them and they immediately go off and hang themselves. Sometimes they get support somewhere else without skipping a beat. In the latter case, you're irrelevant, it's just the enabling that counts wherever it comes from.

It's very unlikely you or your family will get anything back, it's all lost opportunities.

The best I've got in return for standing by an addict is true gratitude and understanding of what it cost, but no actual material compensation.

It's a cliche but you are dealing with the drug, not the individual. The drug calls the shots and it doesn't care.

a reply to: eletheia

People like you are why addicts why away from admitting they have a problem.
People dismiss addicts like they do it by choice, like they wanted to be depressed, like they wanted to grow up in a disfunctinal early life, etc
You can call an addict irresponsible all you want, but it's not that simple or black and white.