Your worst one liner

originally posted by: Neith

Deja Vu – When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.

originally posted by: Neith

Why name hurricanes lame names, like Sandy? Name that # Hurricane Death Megatron 300 and I guarantee nigas be evacuating like they need to.

I legit laughed out loud at those. "Hurricane Bloodsplat 17!!!" would definitely do the trick. lol

Being close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and atom bombs.

Excuse me, do you work here, or are you just passing time between meals?

In reply to restaurant worker's "Sorry about the wait"
--> That's okay it took me my whole life to put it on.

"Miss, would you mind trying this on so I can see how it looks?"
(That one got me thrown out of the crotchless panty aisle at Victoria's Secret one year)

ganjoa

If we took your brain and put it on a razor blade.....it would be like a bb rolling down a two lane highway.

If I dropped your brain into a one gallon pail.......it would be like a bb in a 55 gallon drum.

If shat floats and we have a tidal wave.......you gonna be the Queen Mary.

I'm glad I saved you from that pack of shat eating dogs.

a reply to: enlightenedservant

I admit I found myself laughing a little out loud as well.

originally posted by: Sublimecraft
a reply to: Neith

"If girls were boogers, I'd pick you first"

hahahah can I borrow that?

Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say "What an ass?"

a reply to: Neith

The first one got me because in my religion, we believe that God already knows beforehand everything we're going to say and do. But He still loves for us to include Him in our daily lives, especially for the small things (as in, don't think of Him only during the bad times).

That never made sense to me until I started imagining He watches our lives the way we watch our favorite tv series. Yeah, we know what's going to happen in Season 3 Episode 7, but we still like seeing it again. So I already imagined God playfully rewinding His favorite clips from us and being happy when we praise Him for no apparent reason.

So your example just made me see it from yet another angle.

The best part of you dripped down your father's leg.

How do you feel about your mommy swallowing your smarter siblings?

Someday we are going to be married, at least and affair, whats your name?

Do you have any *Spanish in you?

Would you like some?



*whatever your bloodline is.

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day, well it was just gathering dust...

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.

Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.

If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Yes im drunk but you are ugly . But in the morning i will be sober .

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

You're like school in the summertime - no class.

I am sorry but here are a couple more that I heard Via a genius called Tim Vine.

"A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


Happy Sundays!