Tearing myself down inside each night

I don't know if this is really a rant... couldn't find a better forum for it. I guess it has to do with struggles of emotional restraint. I wondered if anyone here might have advice, anecdotes, possible solutions or whatever to offer.

I have a problem with lack of self confidence- but it doesn't seem to be constant. It's like, when I am out with others, I am not self conscious. I am happy and interested in whatever is going on, and who is around... I participate actively in group efforts, I am able to laugh with others and make them laugh. I have realized lately that others actually percieve me as outgoing, gregarious and extroverted.

This surprises me because I have always thought of myself as being the opposite - socially awkward, timid, introverted...perhaps I was before, and evolved? I took a personality test which claimed I was a "repressed extrovert" - I don't know if that is really possible, it might make sense in my personal history. In any case, I might have been able to "come out" of my cocoon with time and age, I don't know.

In anycase, getting feedback from class members recently, they experience me as being very relaxed, outgoing, and gregarious now.

My problem seems to be what happens in my head afterwards - when I am alone. Then this nonstop rush of negative and critical internal dialogue begins. Events of the day that seemed quite positive suddenly become harsh and terrible in retrospect. I find myself projecting an external vue upon myself, in which I was a total idiot, clumsy, inconsiderate or rude with others. I start to think everyone hates me, I do everything wrong, I am (surely) a pain the butt for everyone who happens to find themselves in the same room with me.

Where I was looking forward to exciting and fun challenges for the following day or week, I suddenly become sure that they will be horrible painful fails, and that I would be doing everyone a favor if I just ran away now and hid under a rock.


It is debillitating sometimes! I can't seem to stop it!

There were times I thought I figured it out - it seemed to be a coping mechinism I developed to keep me "humble" or "modest" for various reasons, and in simply being aware that I did not need to do that, I could silence that voice. But no, I was mistaken. At least in this case, gaining awareness of the problem does NOT = eliminating it.

More than keeping me modest, it causes me stress. I have trouble sleeping, I tired myself out with all my worrying and doubt. It is debilitating. It causes me to run out on the most important moments, because I have no energy to face high pressure situations. I get flooded with cortisol to the point I can barely remember my own name. It seems to be because of that cruel critical voice that just brings me down to being a quivering mess.

The people who see me during the day are often not even aware of it. Very sensitive people figure it out and say so to me in private.
But it feels like a handicap. It impacts me in very real ways.

I'm ranting. Good thing I put it here. Does anyone else struggle with this kind of problem?
Do you find there are things you can do that help?
Ever hear some good advice on how to?

a reply to: Bluesma

We are always our own toughest critic.

I would try to reflect on why you are so hard on yourself and why you seem to be (possibly?) overthinking situations after they happen.

If you are being the best person you can be, don't worry what others will think - it sounds like people perceive you pretty positively. The MOST important thing is how you perceive yourself though. If you are beating up on yourself unnecessarily, why might that be?

Cognitive behavioral therapy may have some uses for your situation, the methods and ideas from this practice have helped me with my own struggles. Wishing you the best Bluesma *heart*

a reply to: Bluesma

You my friend have too high of expectations of yourself. I think we all have insecurities but it only matters when you dwell on them.

If people enjoy your company just be happy about that. Some people are listeners, some are the outspoken and some are arrogant. Be relieved that your not the loud mouth douche in the group.

As far as getting out into those high pressure situations just take a leap of faith my friend.

You are humble and modest because you know deep down that it's the right way to be..don't sell yourself short by saying it's a coping mechanism.

a reply to: Bluesma

Get yourself a cute a little puppy. They can help occupy your attention instead of using the time to criticize yourself. They also help make you laugh and feel good when you're down.

Sounds like you are just being too hard on yourself, over thinking things perhaps.

Please consider that every thought that enters your head might not be your own. You can choose which thoughts you'll accept and assimilate, and which ones you'll reject. It sounds simplistic but if you practice this -- toss out the negative thoughts and replace them in your head with good thoughts -- it eventually does improve. Over time, you'll be quicker to say, "Oh, that's just nonsense. I interact well with people." Continuously think good thoughts about yourself, on purpose. Good luck with it!

p.s. Humility and insecurity are vastly different. It takes a truly secure person to be genuinely humble.

When people are happy and/or successful, things are going too good, it is not uncommon to feel you are a fake, a phony. That people are going to find out you really arn't that smart or clever. It can become an obsession-that the true (loser) you is going to fail and everyone will know you arn't that smart or talented and you will lose everything in your life like a greatjob, great friends etc.
So don't fret that you are alone with these thoughts.
You might want to speak to a professional about why you have deep fears of failure and self-dougt-I know that sounds like a cop-out but it couldn't hurt.

I hope most people feel that way. I know I do. I have been in the sheet metal workers union for 28 years. I know maybe a handful of people because I can't speak to people.

I am very good at what I do, been told I am very good looking, been asked if I was in movies, dated beautiful women and panic if anybody on the job site walks near me because I may have to talk to them.

I am smart and very articulate but the thought of speaking to somebody throws me off.

Put a couple beers in me and I can charm the pants off anybody... so sometimes I drink too much. Beat myself up for that.

I think people stare at me when I am walking so I think I am walking weird... get self conscious about how should I move my arms...

I think most people have their own insecurities... I hope lol..

Maybe thats why my wife always asks me "do you like yourself today"....

Sounds like good ol' chronic anxiety. You're in your head too much when you're by yourself, so the thoughts start to creep in. I have a similar situation, every day I go to my tech job, take care of business, and go home. At work i'm usually ok, but when I get home the closer it gets to bedtime I start getting thoughts like "I'll bet when I come into work tomorrow I'm fired because I've forgotten to do something important that I still can't remember." or thoughts that everyone secretly resents me and i'm not doing a good enough job, when everyone at work seems to actually appreciate me.

I think i'm a pessimistic person by nature, and I had a long streak of pointless mind-numbing jobs before I got this one, so being somewhat fulfilled and appreciated in my job is suspicious to me.

a reply to: Bluesma

Insecurities are very personal. You create them when you compare the person you want to be to the person you percieve yourself to be.

Also, when others describe how they percieve you, compared to your own self image. When we get positive feedback, we tend to do a self diagnosis to see if it rings true. Sometimes others say positive things, simply because they believe that is what is expected, but rarely do they just make things up. It is usually something they actually notice.

When you find yourself alone, is when these doubts will manifest the strongest. At least that is the case for myself.

Worrying about what others think of you is very normal. It also proves that you are not a psychopath.

A bit of doubt is healthy i believe. It pushes you to make a conscious effort to notice when you could be a little nicer or more considerate.

I have noticed about myself, that i tend to go through cycles of extreme confidence to extreme doubt. I can make great impressions and be very productive when i am "on", and very lazy and harsh on myself when i am not. It has led me to make certain choices about my life. Namely that i have to work for and by myself. I do not like having others to rely on me when i do not feel like doing anything.

originally posted by: tinner07
I hope most people feel that way. I know I do. I have been in the sheet metal workers union for 28 years. I know maybe a handful of people because I can't speak to people.

I am very good at what I do, been told I am very good looking, been asked if I was in movies, dated beautiful women and panic if anybody on the job site walks near me because I may have to talk to them.

I am smart and very articulate but the thought of speaking to somebody throws me off.

Put a couple beers in me and I can charm the pants off anybody... so sometimes I drink too much. Beat myself up for that.

I think people stare at me when I am walking so I think I am walking weird... get self conscious about how should I move my arms...

I think most people have their own insecurities... I hope lol..

Maybe thats why my wife always asks me "do you like yourself today"....

See, we're all normal here.

a reply to: Bluesma

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson

On a more serious note, I might suggest professional help. My confusion, fears and insecurities vanished with just a tiny bit of prozac. Now I don't even need that anymore. Now I have to guard against my know-it-all arrogance.

Good Luck!!

Without knowing your family situation, just a suggestion: Can you connect the inner voice to one of your parents or another care-giver when you were a child? It could be your sub-conscious traumas caused by one them.

soulwaxer

a reply to: Bluesma

One great lesson I learned was to give myself the same "break" that I give everyone else. You're not perfect, you're going to goof up sometimes. And in spite of all that, you're as lovable as everyone else.

It does sound like you've got a lot of negative self talk and are being pretty hard on yourself. Imagine that a daughter of yours is feeling what you're feeling... What would you say to her? If she said she felt like an idiot and no one liked her... What would you tell her? Tell that to yourself. I've done this before and I usually end up in tears, but it makes it easier to give myself a break and realize that everything really is ok.

a reply to: Slanter

At work i'm usually ok, but when I get home the closer it gets to bedtime I start getting thoughts like "I'll bet when I come into work tomorrow I'm fired because I've forgotten to do something important that I still can't remember

I get the same feelings but at work.... Get a call to go into the office....Which is a trailer or double wide on construction site... 5 wide at the power plant.... Gonna get fired, gonna get fired, did something wrong.... get in there and they be like ." tommorow power will be down you will need to use the generators".....

a reply to: Bluesma

Try a more objective approach to the events of your day. Get a notebook and a black pen, and make a list of everything that nasty little voice is criticizing you for. Let it all out, no matter how irrational or ridiculous it may sound. Write down why that inner critic found fault with them, too. Use black ink because it represents negativity, which I'll get to in a minute.

Then, make another list of all the things you did do or say instead, and why they were right or how they were beneficial to either yourself or others. Make this list yellow, orange, green or blue (fresh start and bright beginnings, dynamic change and abundance, prosperity and fulfillment, and healing, respectively)...or even a combination of those as the situation warrants. Again, write down everything positive, no matter how insignificant or how much it sounds like you're tooting your own horn. This is the hardest part of the entire process.

At first, you may find your list of "cons" to be more substantial than the list of "pros", and that's OK. It is always far easier to find the negative aspect of something, and human beings often cannot see the light until they have first faced the darkness that shrouds it. Let that voice pour out of your pen, don't suppress it. Get all that malicious, undermining darkness out into the open.

If you do this consistently, make it a new routine, you will start to see the imbalance shift. The more positive things that you look for, the more you'll find, and eventually they will give the deepest part of you the confidence to start ignoring that horrid little voice. Ultimately, that confidence will not only silence your inner harpy, but will also draw more opportunity and positivity into every aspect of your life, making it increasingly difficult for that little voice to find anything negative to offer.

It is inevitable that at some point, the miserable critic will make an encore appearance. That's OK too...because by teaching yourself to look at things in a truly objective light, you will have a balanced perspective rather than simply getting sucked into a negative spiral of doubting your own personal power and ability to make the right choices in life.

Use the same notebook, and only use it for that purpose. You may need several notebooks...a lot of people do. Once you feel certain that you have sufficiently disempowered the hateful voice and regained control of your perspective, take every one of the lists written in black out of the notebook(s) and burn the pages somewhere outside of your dwelling.

Before you set the pages alight, imagine every cruel, nasty, negative bit of criticism contained within them. All of it, in one big writhing ball of black ink. When you're ready, light the pages and visualize the ink being consumed by the flames and the darkness captured within it being released into the smoke. Burn every scrap until there's nothing left but ashes, visualizing the entire time...even if it requires you to continue relighting the paper. And when it is done, turn your back on the ashes and walk away...and no matter how tempting it is, do not look back. Leave the ashes to scatter away on the wind. They will no longer serve you, and they need to be forgotten...to look back is to leave an opening for their return.

Keep the positive pages, as a reminder of everything that you do right in your life, on a daily basis. And when you're having a bad day, take them out and look through your new collection of positivity. Give yourself more credit for the awesome things you do, and it will be harder and harder for negativity to find a foothold within your spirit.

Brightest Blessings to you along your path, and Blessed Be. I wish you every success on this journey, and godspeed.

This thread reminds me why I love ATS, so many people here ready to offer reassurance and help to others when they need it

a reply to: Bluesma

You are not alone. I am the exact same way. In fact, I tend to avoid social stuff more and more because the post-game analysis is just too exhausting. I chalk it up to a nightmare concoction of self-doubt, perfectionism, social media and a general lack of social graces/decorum among the population at large.

In fact, the playback in my mind often elicits an audible exclamation or shudder to coincide with my second guessing, remorse and cultural shock.

It's easier to just avoid people, TBH.

OMG! I too suffer from that same stifling, horrific lack of self confidence. It comes from a childhood of trauma, the trauma continued into adulthood, so I am sure it's chronic PTSD. Scars are badges of courage my dear friend. I wear mine with pride, for I am a survivor. Emotional and psychological scars are badges of courage too...I survived what would have killed or destroyed a lot of people. I bet you have scars too? Love yourself and wear your badges of courage with pride. Carry some black tourmaline in your pocket...its the pit bull of protective stones. Also fire agate takes negativity and returns it from where it came from.

You are not that voice inside your head, you are the stillness just being.... I wish you ALL PEACE.

Stop thinking so much -- Put your brain into neautral .

And sing a stupid song in your head when you feel those dizzy blonde moments come over you , as women seem to over think most things that men shrug their shoulders over and not give a hoot about .

There should be a party going on in your head not DR NICKS phychology department working overtime worrying about everything .

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