Am I wrong about this?

a reply to: Quantum12

Thank you! You, too. I think you'll make a girl very happy someday You've definitely got your head in the right place.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Ok, it may be a little late being on page 3, but if you don't mind I'd like to add my 2 cents to your concern. Take anything I say with a grain of salt, because I'm basing it all on what you're telling us without hearing his side of the story.

I feel your concerns are completely valid.

It seems very weird that he would want to hang out with his friend alone, especially on Father's Day. I don't have children but I've been with my g/f for over 6 years and to be honest if we did have kids I would want to spend that day with them. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't even be celebrating the day.

Like I said, without hearing his story it's hard to really say, but I feel he may be cheating on you, or wanting to cheat. It's not so much the fact that he wants to spend time with her alone, but more how it has become a heated discussion/argument. The fact that he even went so far as to deflect the argument back on you by claiming that you don't want him hanging out with women period.

I even read your post to my g/f and she agrees with me.

Now I'm not trying to make you lose trust in your husband, but everything here just sounds odd. The fact that he wants to be alone with a woman close to him on fathers day, the fact that it caused an argument(heated discussion), and the fact that he used deflection as a tool to try and get his way just doesn't look good.

Ma'am, he's either cheating on you, or he's hoping something will happen while he's there. I can't help but feel that if he truly cared that he would understand your concerns, especially in regards to your past experiences.

But to be fair, I haven't heard his side of the story.....

I noticed something in particular about your posts. You are trying so very hard to justify your behaviour and attitude over this and have been at pains to let us know that you can be too emotional sometimes, but now you are trying to deal with this situation reasonably and calmly.

Your husband isn't a great one for yelling but has found a way to express his displeasure - and you've put about as much effort into defending him as you have in berating and justifying yourself.

You are hoping for a compromise that you can both be happy with even though it is hard to envisage how there can be a middle ground on this particular visit.

How on Earth has he managed to get you into the state you're in? Where you feel you have to explain and justify yourself simply because you very reasonably want him to spend Fathers Day at home with you and the children?

How do the kids feel about this? Did they have any little surprises for him? Did they know about the special breakfast you were planning? How disappointed might they be?

I'll take you at your word when you say you can be a bit emotional about things. OK - that could drive some people nuts - but you still have a right to your feelings. And if you didn't throw the plates at him I'd suggest he got off lightly.

I don't know you and don't want to offend you but I'm suggesting that your husband has you right where he wants you. You are apologising for your reaction to something that he wants to do that will be very hurtful to you.

That doesn't sound right.

I know you probably won't read this until after you've had your discussion tonight but it's something you might want to give some thought to.


ETA - the fact that he knows about how your ex treated you and yet still he wants to go ahead with his plans is insensitive in the extreme.

a reply to: rukia

I treat the person in my life the way I would want to be treated. I was with the most beautiful Asian girl for 10 years. 1 year ago she left me. I still today respect her and would never be mean. Thank you, your a good person!

so he wants to go to a single woman`s house and be alone with her to "talk"? did the phone companies and the internet go out of business?
There would be no reason to go there,as long as the phone companies and the internet are still in business unless something is going to take place that can`t be done on the phone or on the internet.
I was raised the old fashion way where a man and a women who are not married to each other should not be alone behind closed doors for any reason.
Even if it is all perfectly legit he couldn`t have picked a worse day to pay her a visit,on Fathers Day! He obviously doesn`t believe Fathers day is anything special since he has decided to spend it away from his family and kids.That kind of indicates that being a father doesn`t mean very much to him. I wonder what he does on valentines day, go and visit old girlfriends?

a reply to: MisterSpock

Hmm? I had one who used that excuse "She threw herself at me"

"and you put on a catchers mit" I said, just before I said goodbye.

a reply to: Tardacus

I did get a chance to talk with him. Only briefly during his lunch break. I asked him if he had gotten my text. I did apologize for my emotions and I explained that I wasn't being unreasonable. In the moment I couldn't formulate my words to express how and why it bothered me. We will talk further when he gets home tonight. He did show me the messages from her on facebook. She said several times that if he couldn't come she would understand. She has no phone or internet. She was at someone else's home accessing it. I did tell him this isn't about control. It's about basic respect and that I felt very disrespected by him on the whole situation.

We will talk more in depth tonight. Once the kids are in bed of course.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Kindly don't put up with this. He is your man. I would never ever do this to a girl I loved. He needs to cut her out of his life. I know you trust him but I don't. I don't want to see another kind human hurt and your a gentle person with a loving heart!

Nope...you are not wrong about this...3 to 1 he is banging her.
Cheers

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Hey kiddo, as you may have noticed, when you put your life out to the world, everyone is an expert. Some even take pleasure it seems in telling you that your man is basically being unfaithful as we speak. I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear so I suggest that in future you reserve your life questions for a rather smaller group of friends.

They could even be here on ATS or wherever your social media life takes you. But I would definitely suggest you ignore all those who are convinced your man has already commited, or has in his heart to commit what you fear. They have no clue.

Tell your man, straight out, why you feel the way you do. Straight out! The conversation that follows will be all you need in order to make any future decisions.

I hope your suspicions are baseless, and that you can move on with trust in your relationship.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

I don't want to keep piling in but if your husband's friend is putting him under no pressure to visit but he insists on going anyway, it looks as if he's making a point.

You know that old saying dont go to bed angry? The reasoning is because eventually youll end up in another one. Ive never cheated cant say that about the other side of the coins though.

I understand how it can break trust and leave you scarred and scared and maybe a little too clingy which will of course drive a wedge from insecurity.

Youre not being honest with yourself or us saying you trust him 100% or youd never have posted this. The issue is you say hes your best friend... but then say shes his best friend.

There is what some term emotional affairs and not physical affairs. I personally like whom im in a realtionship wit to be my best friend and well hopefully vice versa... but that means honest communication and not reactive communication.

If when you discuss your feelings and it gets heated debate and cry then he knows that if he were to open up with you in stuff he needs to vent about then it may become reactionary as a subject than objective.

People seem to do that all the time guys do it too so its not just women that can over react sometimes because of the feels in a in the forrest cant see the trees situation on both sides when ones looking for some clarity to bounce thoughts off of not necessarily bodies...

However there is a phenominon of patients falling for their therapists... and well shes in a rough spot materially and he in a rough spot emotionally and well it doesnt bode well.

That doesnt mean he or she is going to act on anything but the situation does mean being able to express your current stance without baggage from the past you havent cleared... as it is an emotional burden not allowing you to be honest with yourself or strangers.

Your trust is broken from the ex that cheated and it was never healed... of course his behavior has been restoring tis but hey... this stuck in a situation lady isnt blind to what he can provide her as he does for you... nor is he blind to what she can provide hhim that you havent seemed to which is emotional stability from that previous scar.

So be strong see he was and still is who you want... and well stay strong and show him youre not going to take what he emotionally needs to vent about personally and be just as aloof or therapist as this so called best friend is... so that also becomes your role too. Hes your rock on that finger for a reason... and well hes bound by those vows for better or worse for you to be his rock as well.

You carrying that pain says hey im not over my ex. and what happens in not getting over that says you werent ready and he was just a white knight there when you needed someone strong... no different than him being a white knight for this friend.

So obviously hes a good fellow and well youre not the only one that knows it... and your jealousy is rising because shes likely in a situation similar that got you two together, hey good men are difficult to come by and wow will women certinaly hide their intentions or expectations from one too... but if he is the sort of man I am and it sounds like it, he will shun her advances and tell you if she does make a move and then friendship over.

Sounds like you both have baggage though tat you two need to work out, him a troubled past and you trust from the ex... no doubt you were smitten and in love so blind you got slighted and it left a huge wound, it happens and well that means taking a lot of time to pull oneself back together instead of ding whos next in the arnea and have you checked your baggage at the gate?

Of course there is that phenomina of someone breaking up that didnt want to be married then poof marry the next person they are with... some times thats thin air some times thats an ex and sometimes thats trading in a current relationship as some call up in the pro column of what they were looking for.

Been in this dating pool for a long time myself before and after a marriage were there was infidelity. So theres not a situation I havent seen or been in except te role as a cheater... not gonna happen and not even interested. I put myself into my work these days, as elderly parents are trying to do a living will and pit children as gladiators... I flat out said I didnt want any of it after being told they wanted to give me all of it... pissed them off I didnt want to fight in the pit... but hey fair and honest libra to a damned T, when they get their crap sorted between everyone then I may move on and open up to the possibility, between my projects and that family business... its just not fair to anyone in that chaos being a good steward.

I suggest yourself and he get therapy both togeter and separate... and talk out your issues. Friends being armchair when both of you have issues that become hot buttons when pushed means if you want to save it you guys need to get that crap solved professionally.

originally posted by: YachiruKusajishi
I do trust him completely. I just want him to respect that it makes me uncomfortable and come to a compromise that makes us both happy.

I think that you have had plenty of advice, good and otherwise, so I am not going to add to that but I am going to offer another perspective. Hers. I am a single woman and I prefer male company, always have had more male friends and acquaintances than I have had female due to the preponderance of shared interests. At my stage in life, most everyone I know is partnered up. Some guys partner's are not comfortable with female friends, so I don't go there. Some guys are always fishing and will never see you as "just a friend". I don't go there either, both are way too much of a hassle. I stick strictly to the happily relationshipped ones who's wives are secure in themselves and who know and respect me. And I never take the piss and I don't get involved in talk about women, I do not try, nor am I interested in, understanding them better than their partners. I do not flirt with them, or respond if they do. I just want a pint and a laugh as a person.

I am not suggesting that you get to know the friend better, but if you trust your husband, then perhaps you don't trust her not to steal him away. You can tell that by body language and how she acts in your presence. Things don't just "happen". You can easily ascertain the likelihood of something being allowed to happen by understanding her character.

a reply to: Anaana

This is a good policy to have prefering male friends... as someone that has typically preffered female friends I dont discriminate as such and refer to all of the coupled ones as guys and ones im not interested in as lady something I call my mother... hey lady so when I call a female that then eww mom zone and when I call one coupled one of the guys Im not homosexual so basically the same thing the male form is nothing attractive at all to me nor the bravdo as it seems fake and juvenile in trying to hard... not sure what the trying to hard is all about and not interested in knowing so thats why I prefer female friends.

Perhaps if you made such associations in those off limits in you realm you could expand your friend base and not have to be so selective... I give female friends advice when asked or the topic comes up that same as I would anyone else so not really restrictive or something requiring so much thought on the subject... over thinking things wastes a lot of time in just being there.

If a guy is insecure well thats his problem as Ive no intentions other tan what is currently taking place at the time it is occuring and have to be practically cave womaned over the head and dragged to her lair or seduced as it is meaning distracted from mindfulness or just being in some manner... I know all the guy stuff and quite a bit of women stuff... so its like man on the outside man/woman intel on the inside no intrest in being woman on the outside.

Perhaps straight is really a lesbian in a mans body and for a woman vice versa... as both are very equally mentally equipt to do the same jobs and can physically train for the same jobs. Barring replication of the species and passing certian genetics along both good and bad for the survial of the species.

Emotional projections happen all the time even right here on forums where people dont even know you... they are boxing you up into their own brand of woo or make believe world... I prefer reality and if you do as well perhaps such a pointing as this makes it less mental of a choice in friends and more laughs and pints.

People getting all serious about their junk mental and physical gets old.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Children? Father's Day? I think you are justified and he is not.

originally posted by: berenike
How do the kids feel about this? Did they have any little surprises for him? Did they know about the special breakfast you were planning? How disappointed might they be?

Yours is the first post to mention the interests of the children, in my opinion, the only interests that really matter, and not just because it is father's day that this sorry excuse for a father wants to have little to do with them.

Children's hearts break and it is hard to know how they feel because they have not yet developed the skills to communicate their emotions.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Will your children be hurt when daddy goes off without them after they made such an effort to help you make it special for him?

I think the issue and who is justified and who is unreasonable is not about your relationship with eachother but rather about what your ideas of parenting are and how as parents, you negotiate and compromise on the day to day stuff as well as special occasions and 'events'.

In your shoes, I would probably ask him to consider his priorities, his 'friend's' feelings, or his childrens' feelings.

Sorry if this sounds harsh: put your own sentiments aside, and mother up.

He messaged her yesterday from work and told her he could not come. We talked further this morning . He sees it as a trust issue. I told him no it isn't because I trust that he can go other places and not cheat. I also said if you were really dead set on cheating saying don't go in her house wouldn't change that.

He did concede that he was wrong to put it back on me and that he was wrong in his comments about me going with him to watch him around women. He says he still doesn't understand why it bothers me but that he won't go in her house.

We may have some work to do from here but I do trust him. The infuriatingly logical man just sometimes doesn't understand my girly emotional ways. When I kept my cool and did not cry he responded much better. So yeah... that's where we our at.

He is excited at our Father's day plans, even though he has no clue what exactly is happening. The kids have really put a lot of thought into it. So from here on folks we might need to work on us but I don't see anything insurmountable in our future.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Good!

Good start!

And good luck to you all!

Have a wonderful day with your family!

a reply to: teapot

I kind of did that and I hadn't had a chance to read your post. I took a lot of time yesterday (partly due to some storms and no internet) and thought out what points I needed to make.

I made it a point to mention that Father's day was about the kids having a chance to celebrate how great he is (normally). That was when he showed me that he had cancelled his plans. I also did follow through and tell him any holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, even things like Halloween for him to consider them planned and booked. He agreed to that.

She may have her feelings hurt but my kids won't and that's all I really care about. He can go get her another day and she can hang out here. Heck I will even cook if they really won't to hang out.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Your a kind person!!!

He says he still doesn't understand why it bothers me but that he won't go in her house.

He can call me and I would tell him why it would bother you!

a reply to: Quantum12

LMAO! After the couple days I have had (seriously three kids and no power most of the day) plus all that stuff I needed that chuckle!