How men and women communicate

My husband was laughing his @$$ off in the other room. I asked him what was so funny... He showed me this video youtu.be...

I don't know..... Whatcha think ladies?

a reply to: CIAGypsy

I thinks it's accurate if I see a problem I fix it, if she sees a problem she describes it until your head explodes..

a reply to: CIAGypsy

OMG don't tell your secrets! LOL

You nailed it!

I hate to be the one to say it...But the guy who made that video nailed it.

originally posted by: CIAGypsy
My husband was laughing his @$$ off in the other room. I asked him what was so funny... He showed me this video youtu.be...

I don't know..... Whatcha think ladies?

Yeah... try having two communicators like that in a relationship.

Our conversations aren't always the most salient and practical but at least we usually take turns being the one with a nail in her head.

a reply to: CIAGypsy

Can I be open? Ok thank you.

Let's get down to it!

Do you want to make love or not. Sex yes or no.

I dives us men crazy when women say no! Let's cuddle!

Ok really. I will hold back but. I respect you.

Wife says "I have a headache" OMGEE!!! Lol

a reply to: Abysha


Took me a while to reply to this because that avatar is so damned adorable!!!!!!!!!! I had to keep watching the little critter. LOL


My husband and I try to hear each other out and keep the lines of communication open.

That is hilarious. Im obnoxiously rational, and that video epitomizes how things go down in the BFFT household.

Earlier tonight my wife was laughing so hard she stopped breathing. This is what she was laughing at:



I joined her in seizing. We're both going to hell.

I have gotten into quite a few discussions inspired by this video. Although I like it because it helps us step into the shoes of men and see from their point of view, it fails to illustrate the feminine side at all.

I think that ultimately, at least between my husband and I, we have such misunderstandings because he has a higher developed ego and sense of selfishness, and I have a higher developed sense of social conscience and selflessness.
( do not read that within the most recent wave of feminist horse#e, in which that feminine side is "superior" - both are destructive extremes).

That means that many of my choices may be a source of discomfort for me, and yet I choose them because in the larger picture, they are more beneficial (for myself, for others, and in the long term effects) than the alternatives which would be more immediately pleasurable.
My skills at endurance are much better than his, and I can withstand discomfort or pain for a much longer time. There are certain methods and techniques for doing that, which require me to manipulate my emotions with my mind. The thoughts I think, the perspectives I choose, are all important to that endeavor.

One of those is the expression and release of emotional energy through verbalisation. When verbalized and let out, they lose force. This is the reason for things like people who "talk more and do less". Often, once I have told someone abotu something I feel, it changes and is no longer the case... it is gone, I got rid of it, and that helped me to move on, emotionally.

So in this example, whatever is symbolized by the nail may have a reason for being - say it is a job she hates. Perhaps she needs to feed and clothe her children, and she knows that experience for a certain period of time in this job will help her access a better one later. So she is choosing to stick with the nail (job) for now. Even though it causes her discomfort, she hates it, it causes emotional turmoil, feelings she needs to express and release often to cope.

He, if he is like my husband, would say quit the job if it is making you this unhappy! Problem solved!
But he also has trouble looking at long term effects and plans, and forcing himself to do anything that is not immediately pleasurable to himself. Even in trying to do things for others, they must include some sort of pleasure for him as well in the same motion. Giving in a way which means self sacrifice, or any sense of loss for himself is out of the question, and the possibility doesn't even arise in his mind.

Him and I may be extreme examples, in our case, we each learn from each other and find a balance. People too caught up in being martyrs can learn to simply let themselves choose the happier paths sometimes, and the selfish people can learn to withstand a bit of discomfort once in a while for long term benefit or well being of others.

a reply to: Bluesma

So here's your chance to present the feminine side of that video. Because honestly....i cannot grasp it.

When my wife comes to me with a problem, I almost always have a solution. And its usually the kind of solution that nukes the problem completely gone. She doesn't want a solution, she wants to be heard. However, without there being a problem she would have nothing to be heard over.

So either we fix the problem, or i have to move on to something that my presence will actually have a measurable effect on. "Listening" is something I can merely pretend to do.

Even worse: my job is 100% problem solving. My brain is tuned to solving problems. I think, in the end, if you don't want your problem solved, you should just not bring it to me. Im a crappy listener, but a world class problem solver.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan

I completely agree! I think exactly the same way. I love my wife dearly, but It just blows my mind sometimes how women can ever accomplish anything at all when they think like this. I too am faced with complex problems all day long. I don't have time to analyze every one of these problems sixteen ways from Sunday. Things need to get fixed because others are waiting in line. Time to make a decision, fix the issue and move on to the next problem.

What's even stranger is there's a twisted sort of antithesis to this same concept. That antithesis is details. Details are important! Unlike just 'talking' about a problem it seems many women are not interested in the finer points of the problem of the problem itself...the details. It's sort of this strange dichotomy which is The Female.

Example:

"Honey, pliers are not a hammer. Here, use this hammer. Honey, pliers are not a wrench; here use this wrench. You see, if you use pliers on that nut you're buggering up with the pliers you'll never be able to get it off next time you....

"(ROAR)...FORGET IT!! You do it!"

or...(similar derivative (based on above), but worse)...

"Hon, I appreciate you're wanting to run the lawn mower while I'm brush hogging with the tractor, but try to watch out for the rocks, okay? When you hit the rocks it just tears up the...."

(ROAR!!) "Don't tell me how to do everything!!!"

(CLONK!!!...BANG!!...THWACK!!!).... " Ummm, the lawnmower quit working, I don't know what's wrong with it, can you come look at it please?"

(inspection reveals large rock jamming the blade)

"You see, if you wouldn't have run over the rock like I suggested we wouldn't have to...."

(ROAR, ROAR...ROAR!!!) "FINE!! WHATEVER!!! I'm going inside!"

Sometimes I'm not sure what's worse. I truly appreciate the help, but it needs to be "help" and not un-help, creating more work than to begin with. Still, gotta' love her though!

I guess it's just...NOT ABOUT THE NAIL!

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: Bluesma

So here's your chance to present the feminine side of that video. Because honestly....i cannot grasp it.

When my wife comes to me with a problem, I almost always have a solution. And its usually the kind of solution that nukes the problem completely gone. She doesn't want a solution, she wants to be heard. However, without there being a problem she would have nothing to be heard over.

I understand your frustration and confusion. But there are usually two possible reasons for this sort of response-

1- She does not want to change the situation.
Like I explained above, whatever the "problem" is, it is part of a larger reason for being. It might have some potential benefits she expects further down the road, and just "hanging in there for now" might be her choice for that reason.
Humans are also sometimes ambiguous creatures- we may want and not want the same thing, for different reasons.
We deal with that cognitive dissonance in various ways.

I find women will be more likely to relieve it through talking- examining the emotions (once out they can be looked at objectively instead of experienced subjectively, and choosing different perspectives can be done). This makes it possible to remain passive, physically speaking. You are correct there. It is moving the internal I ("eye") instead of the external I (the part others can observe).

This is useful in situations where either one is presently not powerful enough to change them, or as I said, has reasons not to change them, despite their current lack of comfort.

Of course, if a person gets into the habit of doing this all the time, and forgets how to keep the internal I stable and move the external I (manipulating the external world instead of the internal world) then they can end up feeling powerless all the time, when it is not the case. But frankly, I think that most of the time, if a person REALLY wants to change it, they will. If they aren't, it is because deep down they have a reason not to. There is something they are getting out of this.

On the same note though, being active in vain can be just as stupid. It is a waste of energy. If you cannot do some sort of processing the emotions, changing your perspective to adapt, you will either thrash around in a destructive way (get in a bar fight, for example) or make yourself sick inside. Literally. Your glands continue to produce hormones, and you get a build up which is damaging for your organs, resulting in all kinds of sickness and disease.

Recognizing what we have the power to change and what we don't can be helpful,
but so is recognizing our many layers of consciousness, desires and needs, which sometimes are contradictory.

2- She wants to find the solution herself.

That is pretty elementary, and she'll tell you if it is the case. But often, for women, the voyage or the process is more important than the goal or destination.
The process may be part of developing a skill or habit, and the goal is simply a marker to aid in that.
If you decide to run many miles away, to build your muscles and exercise your heart, it really defeats the purpose if someone insists on driving you there, so you get there faster....

So accurate.

LOL!

That is funny

I'll ask my husband if we communicate well when I take him his lunch out in the dog house.

a reply to: zazzafrazz

You were a very naughty boy last night. Now here is your lunch. Do we communicate well? Do you get my point? I am back to the pay pal post to tell dumb people they do not have to donate. It's up to the person.!

a reply to: Bluesma

FOr a man, if you are ignoring the obvious/simple fix, we just don't want to hear about the emotional journey.

I understand that problems make you feel a certain way. But removing the problem negates the need for the feelings. They can be explored at a later time, when its convenient to think about them.

Im not sure ill ever grasp it. Although my 20 years of marriage shows that im not too bad at faking it.

You know...I keep checking my bits to make sure a woman....lol. Nope...definitely female. But I have NEVER EVER....let me repeat.....N.E.V.E.R. E.V.E.R......communicated like that...ha ha. In fact, I'm pretty practical to a fault. I make a quick assessment of the facts and make a decision. Emotion never plays into it. Yes, I have feelings but they are things that are usually processed later and from an objective perspective. I'm driven by rational thought, not emotion.

So I can't say that I relate to this woman in any fashion....except the lady bits...lol....

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: Bluesma

FOr a man, if you are ignoring the obvious/simple fix, we just don't want to hear about the emotional journey.

I understand that problems make you feel a certain way. But removing the problem negates the need for the feelings. They can be explored at a later time, when its convenient to think about them.

That's a curious statement- negates the need for the feelings. I never have the impression that I NEED feelings- they just are. Like in the example I used, of having a job you hate, but you choose to stay in because you know it is part of a pathway to a job you do want. The discomfort you feel in that current situation is not needed, it is a by product of the situation, but you didn't create those feelings on purpose, and you didn't choose the job because you needed to be unhappy.

For a lot of women the "convenient" time is at our own home, with the person we are closest to. I am not sure what sort of time and place could be more convenient....

Though I understand a lot of men do not get the value of this processing, do not want to hear it, to learn anything at all from it. I have been very lucky that my husband is attentive, and followed how I do my mind/perspective changing, and and how it can be useful. He has learned how to manipulate effectively his own emotions and feelings from me.

But then I must say he might be lucky too, because not many women really want to watch and learn from their husband about how to objectify the self and others and manipulate the physical world effectively.

Lots of people like to keep their secrets and skills to themself anyway.
Lots of people prefer to keep each part of the couple in their own differing roles and skills. That's okay too.


There's no problem with faking it, because nothing is expected of you. Allowing someone to vent and process doesn't require anything on your part but your presence.

I kinda like when he is listening enough to point out my inconsistancies or self contradictions that I did not catch on my own, but ultimately that is just a bonus.

originally posted by: CIAGypsy
I'm pretty practical to a fault. I make a quick assessment of the facts and make a decision. Emotion never plays into it. Yes, I have feelings but they are things that are usually processed later and from an objective perspective. I'm driven by rational thought, not emotion.

Maybe I am not understanding you completely, but it doesn't sound to me like you are any different.

Being driven by rational thought means you make your decisions based upon factors other than feelings (emotions), right?
So.. a perfectly rational choice you make can be the source of discomfort emotionally, but that doesn't mean you would change it because of those emotions.

That there is the thing the men say they don't get.

Why doesn't she just submit to and obey those feelings? Discomfort says "change this"...so why not OBEY and change it then???

I say, because she has a rational reason for being in that situation- whether she is telling you or not, whether she is totally conscious of it or not, that's why.



My husband once described to me that what he eventually finds most terrifying about women is that ability to rationalize to that extent. Like, if I decide it is right for some logical reason, to leave him, I will- no matter how much I love and desire him.
If I felt it was better for my children, in the long run, that they grow up with different parents, I would give them up, no matter how much that pains me.
That is the truly "cold" thing about self sacrifice.

a reply to: Bluesma

We are intertwined. I just know her limits and she knows mine.

My job...she doesn't need to really hear about beyond the high points. Mostly because she doesn't really understand it, and I don't need to vent my issues. Im the problem solver, and only think about my problems as far as a solution is found.

But she does get to hear about the interpersonal interactions I have at work. Like what so and so said to me, or various elements of drama that occur.