Am I wrong out of town gf partying for work?

thehill.com... congress used to get per diem but now they don't and a dem wants to reinstate it for Congress. You have cold feet. Maybe you can't commit I dunno but it sucks, deal with it. I wouldn't ask people so paranoid for relationship advice either. You're probably messing up your relationship and her career.

originally posted by: Lucid Lunacy
a reply to: WP4YT

You are her boyfriend not her husband. She is a free woman. Free to party... Free to drink... Free to see other men on those medical trips. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

Believe it or not some couples practice monogamy before marriage, and some remain monogamous and never marry.

If you're dating then I say date as many as you want until you find "the one". But if you're in a relationship, and both people agreed it was a monogamous thing, then what you're condoning for them to do is to cheat on each other.

Well I hope then, if monogamy is what the OP expects, then I hope they had a conversation about it.

I think, you would be a fool to think, shes not bringing other men back to her room after getting wasted. People who drink do stupid things. I've seen it far too many times in my career. Even someone who is loyal in a relationship as mother teresa will turn into a judas after a few drinks. All it takes is one guy hitting on her at that bar, and Mr alcohol will take care of the rest.

ETA.. Though, if the girlfriend was loyal any way, she wouldn't be out partying and drinking without and so far away from her "significant other"

So I guess my point is moot.

a reply to: leemachino

It may just be an independence thing. If you've been together for a while and if she has felt a bit tied down, not texting you at night could be intentional and a way for her to feel like she is her own person. It's not very respectful of your feelings but it is something everybody feels sometimes.

One thing I wouldn't do to a girlfriend or boyfriend who is out of town is fight with them over the phone. They hang up, feel under appreciated and angry with you, get drunk, and then the next person who sympathizes with them may seem appealing to them in ways they otherwise wouldn't have.

I had the same thoughts as the poster above. There could be a passive-aggressive element here- resentment against feeling trapped or repressed.

I know I get irritated with my husband because he is the type to call me each hour when I am elsewhere, and I will forget to check in as he has asked. I don't consciously do it on purpose, but when he asks me why I didn't, I am suddenly aware of my irritated feeling in response to the question which tells me my forgetfulness was probably not completely innocent.

I do not like that he doesn't trust me, I do not like that he worries so much, that he sees me as so weak or vulnerable- either physically or emotionally. That he feels I am not capable of defending myself. I was single and lived alone for a long time before I met him and perfectly capable of defending my honor or well being!

I feel he doesn't respect me, or recognize my strengths when he is being over-protective.

Now, on the other hand... my husband is in the medical field too, used to be pharmaceuticals, now materials, and socializing this way IS the main focus of his work! He just got back from San Francisco, where he brought a group of cardiologists to a convention, but out of four days, they spent a total of one hour at the convention. The rest was site seeing, partying, renting bikes and planes, checking out clubs, wine tasting..... he says he feels guilty that he is paid for this.

He calls me every night, and usually many times a day on these trips- I don't call him.

You either trust each other or you don't. If you think she is incapable of doing this work without sleeping around, then you are not meant to be with her. Find someone you either trust to be strong willed and dedicated to monogamy, or else someone who isn't, but puts her trust in you to be her guardian against her own weakness. (that would never take such a job, or go away alone, to keep herself away from temptation).

My husband tells me there is a lot of sleeping around that happens in that millieu. Not to scare you, but to be realistic. Female delegates and reps fall in love with their clients all the time. Seems each year one of his female colleagues is leaving her husband for a doc. Non-meaningful sex is more common with the males.

But it is NOT all of them. There are some who do not go that far, ever. It is up to you to question whether you trust her, as an individual to be one of those. If you don't trust her, then perhaps you aren't meant for each other. Trust is of paramount importance in a relationship.

originally posted by: Cygnis
a reply to: leemachino

Wine and Dinning your clients is all part of the sales pitch.

Depending on your clients, younger clients you take to the bar, and out partying..

Older clients you take to a restaurant, and buy them a fine meal.

Company reps grease the wheels for the sales people.

Very True .... I was in sales ...BUT

You are the face of the company at all times .... And no 'decent' company

would like some one inebriated, out of control representing them

Let her have a bit of fun. If you love someone you should let them do what they want or need to do. Unless you don't trust her at all. If there's no trust you don't really have a relationship worth much anyway.

Why don't you get your buddies over and go out yourself?

a reply to: leemachino

Either you don't trust her because you're insecure or she isn't trustworthy.

Either way there's a problem.

Which is it and if it's you are you ready to make an effort to change?

If you're not willing to change or she's untrustworthy it's over.

It would be irresponsible to give advice with such a lack of details, but.... This isn't "normal" for anything business related, regardless what people try to say. Four nights without even a text? Getting defensive and flipping it around on you? If what you're saying is completely true and you're not leaving out some critical info, it's time to move on buddy. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you have to think long term. She doesn't even seem considerate enough to text you and let you know she's safe and back, and she already knows that's BS without you having to bring it up.

Ask yourself the only questions that matter... are you really going to believe her if she tells you she didn't do anything wrong behind your back? Do you trust her enough to let her go out and do her thing without knowing where she is or who she's with? You have to be honest with yourself too and trust your answers and instinct. You may be thinking "hell yeah I need to know where she is and who she's with" but are you really going to believe what she tells you before she goes and while she's out?

If she doesn't put in the effort to make up for this, then it's definitely over. You'll know soon enough.

originally posted by: Lucid Lunacy
a reply to: leemachino

After 4 nights and zero texts because she has passed out I am the bad guy because I think she is out of line. She says it's all part of the job.

I'm confused. If you received zero texts back then how do you know she didn't reply because she passed out? If you received zero texts back then when did she tell you "it's all part of the job"? Just curious.

I'm sorry I wasn't specific enough on that part in my rant. I asked her to let me know she made back safe each night. I would hear from her around noon the next day. As for the someone else's comment about a ring. There is a ring. She isn't in sales or trying to get into sales so I don't get the where she says its part of the job. I asked her for one night to give me the time to explain everything. all she said its my job you wouldn't understand how these things work. She is right, I don't understand how being passed out drunk every night is an important part of these trade shows. She also said that her behavior was disrespectful to me and she was sorry, then adding I'm being stupid about it and she's headed to the bar so she can't talk any further. Hence the original rant.

Before leaving we had talked about because she has done trade shows in the past. They can get crazy. She told for the week leading up that she didn't want to be involved in that seven as she is with a new company and wants to do a good job and make a good impression. We're both in our mid 30s so it's not like it's important thing for us to party hard daily.

a reply to: leemachino

If you want a secure, trustworthy and loving relationship I'd say ditch her after reading your OP. Simply because you'll never trust her again and be uptight everytime she goes away.

Otherwise you could pull the same game and go away, don't text, enjoy yourself and see how she feels about it. If she doesn't give a damn then maybe you might realise your feelings are worth a piece of cotton to her. If you are looking for mutual feeling and trust, then go out and search for such a person.

Seek loyalty my friend. There are those out there that actually subscribe to it. I've found them. They are few and far between but well worth the search.

Good luck and kindest regards,

Bally.

Trade shows and such, the party happens.

Hopefully you are just pissed that she got trashed and passed out and didnt text.

In all likelyhood, thats all it is.

Been to several, so has my wife. We trust each other anyway. But it is part of the trade show game on someone elses dime.

Of course, now I just toss down a couple cokes while hanging out. Both my wife and I no longer do the party aspect anymore out of choice. It just isnt for us anymore.

And you might be the bad guy for showing distrust toward her for this.

Last nights on trade shows is the party night to wrap things up.

Doubt she's passing out dude. Just leave and find somebody that reciprocates the energy you put into your relationships.

I am in sales management and travel almost every week. I have to take out clients almost daily and they often want to go somewhere happening or trendy which means late nights. I call my wife every night so she does not worry about me.

Your girlfriend is a self-absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate jackass.

originally posted by: WP4YT
You are her boyfriend not her husband. She is a free woman. Free to party... Free to drink... Free to see other men on those medical trips. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

That's only if they're the kind of people who believe it's ok to have sex with other partners in secret until the wedding day. Most people in relationships don't live like that. It's called a committed relationship.

Closing down bars drinking on a company trip can aid just about any career, if:
- you're drinking with the right people
- you're building strong relationships in the process
- you can handle your alcohol
- you answer the bell (be there on time at 8am looking and feeling fresh)

If she's passing out to hard to even text you, she's not only doing it wrong, she's lost interest.

You merely asking her to text you at the end of the day is MORE than reasonable. I commend you and wish you well in leaving her to her alleged career advancements.

a reply to: leemachino

Sounds like you are mad that she wants to have fun. Are you always a stick in the mud? I wouldn't guess it from your avatar picture.

a reply to: leemachino
Honest opinion? These problems between the two of you have been going on for quite some time. What's happening now is just the culmination to this point. The fact you threatened to leave shows a control issue from your side, and the fact that she's not responding to that control presently, means she's tired of it, and tired of your threats. You have made similar threats before. Right?

It's likely this relationship is on it's way out, but at least learn from it. Trust issues are a problem for a lot of couples, but that doesn't make them any less troublesome if you want a lasting relationship.

my wife goes out lots, far more then me and it's all good. I myself am guilty of getting a little drunk when away for work training as it's often lonely. Perhaps she is just far away made some friends and is having fun.


Flyingfox makes a point that the people she is with might just be great people even doctors who like to drink they have the money. Lots of them are quite cool folks and know how to have a good time when they can as their jobs are so stressful.


I doubt she is blacking out and having a gangbang with clients every night. Unless of coarse you have reason to believe this or your relationship was already on its way out and you missed the signs



Wish you all the luck in the world and hope it works out.






a reply to: leemachino

How long have you been together? Is it a otherwise solid relationship? Is this a one time thing, or has she been pulling away lately, looking for reasons to go out with friends, instead of spending time together?

If it's a one time/new behavior, maybe she's feeling a little trapped and just using being out of town to cut loose a bit. She may be inconsiderate, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still care for you.
If there's been trouble building and this is another symptom of a worsening relationship........cut your loses and go.

We don't know your entire relationship history, so it's hard to give good advice.
You need to decide what you want and go from there. Never threaten unless you are prepared to back it up.

Anybody that gets # faced 4 days in a row is probably not someone you want to have a relationship with.

The internet is the absolute worst place to go for relationship advice. Sounds like something you should talk to her about when she actually gets home, not over the phone when she's trying to work. Listening to strangers tell you your gf is probably cheating on you is a good way to ruin your headspace.