It all fell apart. life's middle finger and poor choices.

I'm not even sure how to begin this thread, but I felt it worthy of attention or even a passive nod. You see I am a IA FA Acsess control CCTV tech. I make over 20 an hour I'm 26 years old just divorced three beautiful children. And I've lost everything. They don't work me like they should therefore I'll spend 4 - 6 hours a day working which makes my money equivalent to a minimum wage with over time
But that money is nothing and perhaps I can't manage it correctly. But I am stuck.

I hate my life quite frankly I hate myself I realize this time is but a passing moment however it doesn't feel that way
I feel stuck trapped crawling out of my skin, truth be told I cross the street and think to my self please do me a favor. I'm shamed to truly describe how bad its become. So I ask does it ever stop because I'm here to tell you my feet my shoes have the markings of one foot in front of the other and still I've got nowhere.

I'm not attempting a pitty thread, I just have no idea what to do or where to go. I'm highly skilled come from a well off family somewhat intellectual partiality good looking. Yet I'm lonely poor and trapped.# life and # me for not thinking ahead and making better choices. Let this be a warning the fall is quick a few bad choices away.from here looking up seems impossible maybe I'm just tired.

But surely its better to burn out than fade away?

a reply to: TechniXcality

Well you can't burn out now because there might be more to come! This might be the moment that creates a change that makes everything worthwhile again.

If anything I've learned through life that the next day will still happen as much as I feel it won't. And in that day will be people, events, routine. And so I say just keep putting forth the effort but it's time to make changes. Only you can figure out what changes.

Do you need to move closer to your kids? Do stuff with your kids? Just give up on the job and try something new. I worked at a career for almost 30 years and then it was terminated. What seemed like a disaster has now turned into a blessing - no more stress, no more pressure, I now can choose what I want to do instead of feeling imprisoned by that job because it had a good wage and benefits and security. I have to start all over but I feel I have more choices now.

That probably doesn't help but I will not let life control me. I will instead roll with it and make what happens work to help me grow and live my life as a an adventure and not a punishment. I hope that helps see it in a different way.

But my heart goes out to you because I know how defeating and scary and desperate it can seem to be. It's time for a change I say!!! Hugs, big, big hugs.

a reply to: TechniXcality

I too have made some terrible choices in my life, spending 20+ years as a drunken self absorbed alcoholic.

I'm only going to bore you with 1 AA cliche....Go Easy!!! And if you can't "Go Easy", Go Easy As You Can."

a reply to: TechniXcality

Don't give up, keep on keeping on.

I am 50 now, but at your age I was in very similar circumstances.

Thinking very similar thoughts.

I met my wife 1 1/2 years after going through what you are now. Been married 22 yrs.

All I can say is my faith grew stronger over this time and has helped me through the worst life has thrown at me.

I am not preaching, just sharing what worked for me.

You WILL find light at the end of this present dark tunnel. Just keep on keeping on.

I will add you to my prayers if that's ok with you.
Sincerely
Steve.
you ever need to chat u2u anytime.

Most anybody over the age of 30 (sometimes younger as in your case) has been through this. I just turned 38 and I've gone through it twice. It's easy to get in a place where you could not possibly care less if you wake up in the morning. It's damned easy to get there and even harder to get out.

The rigors of life can take it out of you in a heartbeat, but it can also give it to back to you many times over when you least expect it. You know this is true. Look at your children's faces.

Let them be the reason that you keep putting one foot in front of the other until you can dig yourself out enough to want to do it yourself.

We all make poor choices. It's part of growing up and when we are grown up it is part of getting wiser. There's no law saying that you have to stay put at your job and if it's all you can afford, then you will just have to figure out how to make do like the rest of us. I don't want that to sound harsh. Hell, my husband and I still live almost paycheck to paycheck (one income, one child). After almost 18 years of marriage we just recently got to where we weren't rolling pennies at the end of the week.

I have made peace with the fact that this is likely all we will ever have. And that's ok. As long as there is enough..... That's enough. It took some time to come to that mindset though and if/when you do, your life will become a little happier. At some point you learn to be thankful for what you do have and quit wishing for things you likely don't need.

Again, I don't know your situation completely but it sounds like what many of us have gone through a time or two. You're too young to give up. You have children to raise and support (not just monetarily).

Fight through this. It's the only way you will dig yourself out. You can do it. You're worth it and so are your children. The light at the end of the tunnel may appear blown or dim, but it is only because you have put yourself so far away from it. It will take time to make it back, but it is time well spent.

You are young yet and have time for things to change and fall into place. You will find your way. HUGS!

a reply to: TechniXcality

11B always finds a way mate... regroup...plan...and push back forward

a reply to: rockpaperhammock

If only it was easy as a 5 mile run in mop gear or getting smoked until the the temp rises. Loseing my buddies wasn't easy at all. I've just seemingly lost my self or my will and am seriously a step away from telling my job and everyone around me just how I feel regardless of the consequence. Thanks guys maybe this was more of a rant.

a reply to: TechniXcality

Great for You! You just dug that first foothold to climb out of that deep dark pit! Now start working on the second for a handhold. You will be outta that pit in no time. See. Yes it does get better. Keep working on it!! U2U Me if You want an ear to listen. I may even be able to help You. Just don't stop helping yourself get out of the pit!! Later for Now. Syx.

a reply to: TechniXcality

Life is full of bad decisions so don't let giving up be your next one. You say you have three children so live life for them even it is hard as hell dealing with the ex. It is your duty as a father to be there however you can. Don't teach them to give up when life is sucking.

I, so far, think this year sucks. I made bad decisions and I'm sucking it up and carrying on. You know, the whole when life give you lemons saying. Well the lemonade doesn't have to be that bad. Learn to change directions in life. Did you really plan doing A FA Acsess control CCTV the rest of your life? Maybe so, but always have a backup plan.

Always better yourself mentally.

You are setting the limits, why? If you are only working 4-6 hrs then what are you doing the rest of the time? I know you're smart, I read your posts, so think of something brother.


Next time you think your life sucks look at this picture.


You notice the knees, now notice his smile.

a reply to: TheLieWeLive

Your right brother I shouldn't be bitching but I really don't have another avenue to release
.

I'll tell you what though, life gave me lemmons so I made a long island iced tea.

There's more to this story I'm just shamed to say it...

a reply to: TechniXcality

I'm still laughing...I could use a long island right about now myself.

Bitch away my friend, if it helps let it out. You don't even physically know us but I feel obligated, like the others, to say "hey, I care" because that's what we should do, pick up our fallen.

You are only human. We f@#k up, life's journey is to learn how not to as much.

What ever it is your ashamed to say just learn from it and don't repeat it.

a reply to: TheLieWeLive

When I saw that pic I thought "Wow nice hair"....then I got what you were trying to do.

a reply to: TechniXcality

Everything you go through
Everything that happens
Every good experience
Every bad experience
Every person you meet

Are all lessons for you to learn.All of it.The good the bad the mundane etc. One day,whether you realize it or not,you will need those experiences. It might be so you don't repeat a mistake,it might be so you learn who not to be around,it might be to enjoy a fleeting moment. It doesn't matter the why. All that matters is you learn from your experiences. It is the purpose of our lives.

I have lost everything I owned literally, twice now.Possessions come and go. They are not to be worried about. Money isn't to be worried about. When I was married I worried about having enough money to do the things my kids needed. I learned from losing everything that is doesn't matter.If you want something bad enough,you will make it happen. If you don't want it bad enough,you weren't meant to have it. Now after going through for a whole year with no income because I became disabled,I didn't really worry about having money or not. I knew that somehow someway I would get what I needed. I did without a lot of things this past year,and it didn't worry me. I knew this was only temporary. I learned my lessons from before,so I went into this knowing that these times pass,maybe not as soon as we would like them too,but they pass.And money comes in its own time,you live on what you have,no matter how little it is. These things aren't worth worrying about. It is the people around us,the love we share,the company we keep,the people we reach out too,that are really important. Those are things that can't be taken from you. You will take them to your grave,with a smile.

Smile more,love more,be more,fret less.

a reply to: TechniXcality

You can bitch all you want, everybody has its own problems and issues, and to each one of them those problems are bigger than the world.

I'm not sure if anything I can say will help you in anyway, but I got nothing to lose.

I'm around your age, 25, a while ago, I made a post, about quitting my job, I have a Bachelor in Marketing, and was working in a job I didn't like at all. In that post, a couple of years ago, I posted how bad I felt, and that I wanted to start studying history at my local university, my true passion. I received mixed replies, some told me I should do what I felt was right, and otehr told me to think things over and that everyone hated jobs, and had to work for a living.

I made many mistakes in my life too. Thing is, everytime I get something wrong, I think to myself, well that's one thing to put on the list for things that I shouldn't do anymore.
For example, I remember, when I was teenager, I always thought things would work out on their own, and I started a degree I hated, I lost the girl I was dating at the time, and had a very bad time overall. So, that way I learnt that things weren't sorting out for themselves, and that I gotta make my own choices. I now know that.

I used to be really lazy, at school, and college, I chose a degree that seem pretty easy, and then I graduated and couldn't find a decent job, let alone a good paycheck. At the same time, people I knew who had always worked hard, were much better than me. And then I learnt, had work pays, at least most of the times. Being lazy doesn't get you anywhere. I now know that too, so I try my hardest.
The same happened to me with girls, I suck at dating, but I'm much better than before, because I messed up many times, I didn't know how to talk to girls(Not that now I know, but I have a slight idea), It was awful. A couple of months ago, a girl I have liked for a very long time, finally accepted to date me, but somehow I blew it. I'm not gonna say, i don't feel bad whenever I think about it, but I say to myself, next time I won't be making the same mistake (Alas I may mess up some other way lol).

Everytime I'm about to make a big choice, I think it over a lot, maybe for months, I imaging things turning out for the best, and for the worst. And in the end, I'm at peace with myself, and know that I will be no matter what. Because you see, if things turn out for the worst, at least I'm certain that I made the choice and I f****d up, and if not me, then who else has the right to mess my life? I give myself the chance of being wrong, because in the end, I know it was me who made the choices, and took the risks. Nobody told me how to live my life, I made my own path, and walked it, knowingly of the good and bad thing that could come out of it.

Finally, I have faith, I'm not a christian or follow any religion at all. But I have faith that things will turn out for the best. And I have never told this openly to anybody else, but I do think and speak a lot to my guardian angel. I ask humbly, when I'm certain of what I want. I tell him I know it might not be the best for me, but that that's what I want, and that if things don't turn out the way I planned, I'm certain in the end he'll sort things out somehow.
The Universe answers, if you know how to ask.

Sorry, I know I wrote a lot, but I really hope my experience can help you somehow, sometimes reading what people tells you makes you feel you are not alone out there, I sincerely hope you find your way. And sorry for the many grammar mistakes I have probably made, but I'm not a native speaker, so... well, bear with me...

Hey techniXcality .. hang in there. Most of us have been there and may be again. I agree you are a smart guy- I like reading your perspective of things.
I'm not in a great place myself at the moment and probably shouldn't be posting but wanted to offer encouragement.
Like others have said it is part of life, not fun but sometimes upheavals like that turn us from our present path for a better one. be patient with yourself.

a reply to: TechniXcality

Stop worrying yourself sick, and stopping kicking yourself in the ass for bad decisions.

You're only 26 years old and you've got many more bad decisions coming your way... and because of that, you will eventually learn how to turn most of them into positives like the rest of us (why do you think so many of us old farts are so laid back and relaxed ?).

Most of us spend the first half of our lives screwing up, starving half to death, and busting our asses trying to eke out a living. It isn't until the latter half of your life that you finally get to enjoy the fruits of your labour and the benefits of the wisdoms acquired along the way.

It's a long hard trudge uphill before you get to enjoy the fun tobaggan ride down the hill... and yes, you are still on the upward climbing side of life.

originally posted by: stosh64
a reply to: TechniXcality

Don't give up, keep on keeping on.

I am 50 now, but at your age I was in very similar circumstances.

Thinking very similar thoughts.

I met my wife 1 1/2 years after going through what you are now. Been married 22 yrs.

All I can say is my faith grew stronger over this time and has helped me through the worst life has thrown at me.

I am not preaching, just sharing what worked for me.

You WILL find light at the end of this present dark tunnel. Just keep on keeping on.

I will add you to my prayers if that's ok with you.
Sincerely
Steve.
you ever need to chat u2u anytime.

Can you share in what circumstance you met your wife?

We all have periods of utter stupidity, and we've all suffered the consequences. It helps to know you're not alone in that.

If you ever want an ear to scream into, feel free to U2U me. I have led a pretty terrible life. I'm 32. I owned and lost a business by the age of 22, I'm divorced etc. Sometimes it's just good to know that other people have dealt with similar problems.

Growing pains, man. They never really stop.

a reply to: TechniXcality

The loss of marriage and kids is a devastating thing. That there is no way around. I, and many others here, know and share that pain with you. In that regard you are not alone.

Even regarding your apparent sense of despair you also have many here who can directly relate and identify. Many here have stories that can and would break your heart if you were to read them. Life is tough for just about everyone - and some end up bearing more of that burden than others do. A lot of those spiritual heavy lifters reside right here on ATS.

Now to my constructive criticism. In your OP it seems that money is one of your main focuses, if not the main one. I have to tell you that, honest to God, money means nothing. It's the worst and most pointless thing in the universe to get ulcers over. Finances are simply one of those things that are what they are - and if one wants to improve their financial situation it takes time, patience, discipline, and acceptance. It also might mean learning to do more with less and adapt to a lifestyle that you might consider beneath you at this point in time.

The truth is that the more you let it eat at you, the more you'll manifest worry and that worry will show. IE the worse the situation will get.

My personal yardstick for all things stressful is this: If I happen to luck out and live long enough to die a very old man in a bed, with time to ponder upon my life, will this be what comes to mind?

Ask yourself that. At 26 you've got a full life ahead of you that is going to be filled with moments of sheer joy and happiness and moments of great pain, loss, and suffering. That is the nature of life. You are going to have to say goodbye, forever, to people you love - as you watch them being lowered into the ground. You might have to fight disease that carries a high morbidity rate. You might have an accident that takes years to recover from, if you fully recover at all.

There is so much bad that might happen and none of it really is borne of money.

So I ask you to ask yourself the above question. At 26 is making less than you want to be making really something you're going to think about in six or seven decades as you're laying there reflecting upon your past?

I can promise you that the answer is "No."