Introversion, Aloneness, And Being Comfortable In Your Own Skin

I would like to share some general thoughts about my life, that perhaps some may resonate with to some degree. I have always liked being alone. It has always seemed to me the most, let's say fundamental part of my life. Anything else, it's like...idk how to explain it, I do it, but then when I get home by myself it's like, ahhhh, back to normal. I need time alone. It's how I feel centered. In high school I had a relatively active social life. But even then, I needed alone time. Eventually I got where I didn't want to keep making up excuses for why I didn't want to do things sometimes. So it was just, sorry, I don't want to do anything tonight. Has nothing to do with the person, it wouldn't really matter what it was that someone wanted me to do. It's just, I feel I need to be alone...so I don't want to do anything. My friends didn't understand this.

After high school, I moved across the country with my parents. I really didn't know anyone for quite a long time. This really frustrated and depressed me for a while, just a total inability to engage in social activities whatsoever. Though I still knew it was my alone time that was most important anyways, so I just pursued a lot of things that personally interested me. Mostly a lot of reading and contemplating on spiritual and philosophic matters. During this time I have really transformed as a person in some ways. Transform doesn't really entirely encapsulate it, though. Yes, spirituality became a more fundamental aspect of who I am, as it really didn't factor in when I was younger until the very end of high school. But more than that, it was getting truly comfortable in my own skin.

I used to overthink things to an extremely high degree. This contributed to anxiety that I felt around people and in social situations. I never felt comfortable with myself really. I just wanted people to like me, and I would always go on and on in my head about 'stupid' things I had said or done. And I just, tried to avoid doing stuff like that. I have always had very low self-esteem. Now, at this point in my life, I can say that I'm really past that for the most part. I actually really don't care at all about what anyone thinks about what I say and do at this point. Even more than this, though, I really truly feel that I like myself. Now, this may sound like nothing, but it feels very significant to me. Like, I really feel established as a person. I know who I am, and I really truly like who I am. And because of that, I really don't care about what anyone else says or thinks about it.

Now, over the years since moving, some level of social opportunities have opened up. I meet friends who I hang out with and whatnot. But, in some ways this has just really confirmed to me the importance of my alone time. I have a good enough time with people. I tend to get along fairly well with almost anybody. But it's still just...this thing that I do, until it's over and I'm home. Having some social opportunity has just made it more clear to me that it's not really that important to me for the most part. Or, that I don't care about having a social life just to have one. Who the people are matters. Now, I had a relationship during most of the time since I moved. It lasted like 5 years. It's over now. And the thing is, I honestly don't think that I ever really thought she was right for me, in the sense that I thought I would ever truly want to end up with her. That's not what I said of course, and didn't even want to admit it to myself, but deep inside I always knew that. I just...loved being loved, and loved loving. I loved having someone that I could really act loving towards, and would really act loving towards me. Someone who really appreciated me.

But yesterday, I had this thought, that really kind of shook up my perspective. It wasn't really much of a thought, nothing I didn't know, but just vocalizing it shook me up a bit. I was thinking about my job, how I'd been there for about a year and a half. And I thought, jeez I was 21 back when I started. And that just kind of hit me, like I'm looking back when I was 21, like that was kind of young. And idk it just kinda shook me up. So there's a bit of a thought of, am I just wasting my life? How many years go by until I'm established externally? And yet, the fact that I feel so established internally, liking and being confident in myself, seems really significant and important. And so I feel like, that's a good thing, a good sign. And so just be happy with that, and the time will just come where I will meet the right people, or the right girl. And that will be amazing when the time comes. But there's no point in trying to force the issue, because I really don't care about insignificant relationships with the wrong people anymore. But what if I just waste my life away with that attitude? But what else is there to do? I just feel like at this point, I don't care unless you're actually someone I'm truly compatible with in a significant way.

I don't really have an answer. But I just feel like, if the person is right, it'll be easy. I just feel like, now that I really like myself as a person, then someone who is right will truly like me as a person. And thus I won't have to make some grand effort for things to happen. And so if I have to make some grand effort, it's not worth it anyways, cuz they're not right. I feel that I am a unique person, and it is that uniqueness that I like. And so anyone who I was compatible with, would see and appreciate that uniqueness. And so again, it would be easy. So, being comfortable with yourself vs. making effort for a social life. Wasting your life away vs. continuing to work on yourself and letting externals sort themselves out, as it is right and easy. Thoughts?

Just don't get trapped into making it all about you. Take it from another introvert who recognizes a lot of what you say in myself.

You need to find people whom you can connect with. You don't need to find a lot of people, but they need to be people who interest you because you like who they are and are genuinely interested in that and who are interested in you for the same reasons. Otherwise, you are always just going to be wrapped up in yourself and living only for yourself and will never make that connection you think will happen.

Remember, the Golden Rule has two sides. It's not something you should think about only in terms of yourself but you should also think about it in terms of the other. How would they like you to treat them as much as how you would them to treat you. So, logically, How interesting could that person be as much as how interested would you like them to be in you.

originally posted by: ketsuko
Just don't get trapped into making it all about you. Take it from another extrovert who recognizes a lot of what you say in myself.

You need to find people whom you can connect with. You don't need to find a lot of people, but they need to be people who interest you because you like who they are and are genuinely interested in that and who are interested in you for the same reasons. Otherwise, you are always just going to be wrapped up in yourself and living only for yourself and will never make that connection you think will happen.

Remember, the Golden Rule has two sides. It's not something you should think about only in terms of yourself but you should also think about it in terms of the other. How would they like you to treat them as much as how you would them to treat you. So, logically, How interesting could that person be as much as how interested would you like them to be in you.

Yes, that is true as well. And I guess, in some ways that's why I don't feel too worried about it. Because, as with my ex, if it's not even someone who truly interests me and I resonate with, it ultimately amounts to pointlessness. And while one can see aloneness that can coincide with this negatively, there is a flip side, cuz when I find the right person/people, that I really like and that really likes me, it will be that much more great, and something I can truly appreciate.

for me, marriage just happened. and once it did, the work began.

i value my alone time, too. and she had to learn to deal with that. we've been together 19 years, so it can be done.

RE: wasting your life....i was working for minimum wage until i was 28. I didn't have a supervisory job until i was almost 30. Before that, i did a lot of meaningless things and delved into counterculture quite a bit. But the point is: at 23 you still have a ways to go before you have to worry about "wasting your life". And your life has nothing to do with a mate, either. When that happens, it no longer "your life", but instead becomes "y'alls life". Until then....just live for you and those you love.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
RE: wasting your life....i was working for minimum wage until i was 28. I didn't have a supervisory job until i was almost 30. Before that, i did a lot of meaningless things and delved into counterculture quite a bit. But the point is: at 23 you still have a ways to go before you have to worry about "wasting your life". And your life has nothing to do with a mate, either. When that happens, it no longer "your life", but instead becomes "y'alls life". Until then....just live for you and those you love.

Yea, I think that is true as well. I think of, for instance, my brother who is in his 30's getting a divorce. So in some sense, there is a starting over. And people always try to 'start things up' at certainly older ages than me. So that makes sense. I just think of people saying you should be doing all of this stuff in your 20's, living it up. But there too, I am different. I don't have the same 'ideal life' as most people. So in some ways I can't compare.

a reply to: TheJourney

well....be thankful for the internet. in my day, all we had was encyclopedias. And they were expensive.

Just go about your life you might run into someone. Establish a routine. Such as hanging out with your friends on specific days. And keep the rest of the days for alone time.

Say like friday or saturday? Those are regular days people would go out for some hours to kick it with some buddies.

However you don't have to spend a bunch of cash, Bars are a waste of money. They are great for like a few days out of the year like special occasions.

But yeah, just carry on with your life and expand your hobbies.
For me it is botany. Experimenting with plants and growing food. Dosn't matter what timeline im in, I'm useful. lol.

Btw your life sounds like a mirror image of mine to some degree. Your highschool experience i could relate.

Just love yourself and that's all you need. An individual can acomplish much when not tied down.
Also, Traveling never has to be meaningless. Go on adventures, You got nothing holding you down except your job. So work around that scheduel. it's not like you are forced to devote your time to someone specific anymore right? Why not fill your brain with movie like images and go on adventures dude, So when you look back and you be like hahhahahahahha so glad i wasn't tied down to one spot. And better yet, im comfortable with myself roaming this Earth.

We are not so different, you and i.

If you learn a bunch of languages too, you could literally travel the world just on that. People who know multipul languages get far ahead in the world relitively easily. Why? Everyone needs translators. And also, around the world they love forigners who appreciate their culture and can actually speak to them in local tongue. It makes it easier to find a decent job. As they would want a dude around who can speak to tourists to bring in more cash. And there would be a lineup of people trying to use you for your skills. However, the more langauges you have, the more you can hop around the world. If you know 12 languages you could like. become an ambassador hahahahah or something.

Oh, and understand too that sometimes it isn't as easy as just meeting and jiving. My husband I are both introverts and as compatible as can be ... but, when we first met, we had to be set up together twice before it took off. Once it did there was no going back, but that fuse was a bit slow to light.

As far as alone time now, well, it features the two of us in the same room doing our own thing and occasionally offering the brief comment to each other. We have lots of comfortable, companionable silence.

a reply to: TheJourney

i think i know how you feel. I'm an only child and i too love my alone time. it's where i feel like i can really be me. but i've found some great friends where i can be myself, too. I'm 23 and a female. I'm an extrovert btw. ENTJ, to be specific. But I can be quite introverted at times--or maybe in my own head is a better description. It's led to some difficulties, especially since i've been more introverted lately due to some crap going on in life and growing up and stuff.

Just be yourself. And try not to be afraid of what people think. Easier said than done, I know. I'm really sensitive and I get pretty QQ and hurt by others but then i guess everyone does to some degree.

Some of my closest friends growing up were total introverts. One of my best friends now is, as well. I find them to be invaluable and refreshing. Introverts are like flowers that bloom for only those who they want to show. I am very drawn to them, despite being a rather extreme extrovert.

friends don't exist. but family does. and people can become family. it's when you don't want anything from them and they don't want anything from you. because that's why friends don't exist--if someone only wants you for what you can give them then they aren't your friend. and visa versa. i think the only real friend that exists is whoever you meet who you want to spend the rest of your life with (as in a partner). A real friend can also exist if you become family with them, if that makes sense. follow your heart.

a reply to: ketsuko

That actually sounds really nice and peaceful, Congrats im glad you have a great relationship with a woman who isn't constantly trying to nag your attention. It's great to beable to do your own thing with people you love.

In this day and age more kids are being raised like that off video games. We stare at the screens and play and usually don't talk to each other but zone out on the intense gameplay. That in of itself is a special companionship. When both people are really into the game and enjoy it together. I have played many multiplayer games on the same consol with my friends growing up.

For an older couple, you havn't yet experienced something like that maybe. Assuming you are older. i am 23 now so for me i was born in the *Genesis* and * Nintendo/super nintendo* Age. Also hobbies are a lot like that. Even to this age we play on computers now lol and usually play seperate games because we are feeling an itch to play a certain game. We play together sometimes on like league of legends or some other game, Diablo 3. But yeah. It's nice to hangout with someone who isn't always in your face or trying to get you go somewhere and do stuff and constantly trying to get your attention. that's annoying yo. Expecially if its day to day life.

a reply to: AnuTyr

Oh no, hubby and I are CoX refugees. We loved playing together. We have to be careful with our gaming though. We're both naturally very competitive so when we compete we have the "temporary divorce" clause because all is most definitely NOT fair in love and war.



Otherwise we complement each other well ... unless it's cards. We can't partner each other spades for anything.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: TheJourney

well....be thankful for the internet. in my day, all we had was encyclopedias. And they were expensive.

Oh believe me, I am. Idk what I would do without the internet, lol. As I alluded to in my OP, much of what I do/have done with myself is read, and that has been largely facilitated through the internet. I probably wouldn't have been exposed to many of the ideas that have helped shape my way of thinking if it were not for the internet.

a reply to: TheJourneythanks for sharing your thoughts. When the shoe fits you forget about the shoe, perhaps that is what your really ought to do is forget about the shoe called you. Why? because the shoe is not you its your puppet.That way the concept of time is seen through.

a reply to: TheJourney

You seem to see yourself as a Work in Progress and you've been prepared to put in the time and effort to be the best person you can be. You're not satisfied just yet, although you are comfortable with yourself, so you want to continue to learn and grow.

I think that's admirable although I feel a bit awkward saying that as I also want to say how close that is to my own outlook and attitude

Don't worry too much about wasting your life or trying to understand what other people think constitutes a fulfilled life.

You do what makes you feel fulfilled or what helps you to grow.

Relationships can be a learning curve, sometimes a very steep one, but a lot can be gained from them. The best thing is to recognise your friends when you come across them and keep up your friendly and easy-going attitude with everyone else.

I have found though, and I'm not the first to recognise this, it's your friends and those you love who have the power to hurt you the most. More so than your worst enemy.

If you have got to a stage where you know you can rely on yourself and that you won't let yourself down, then you are in a comfortable position to risk friendships or any other type of relationship

All of us have our own Path to travel - if you feel that yours is taking you in the right direction, then stick with it. You may find a few interesting little detours on the way but never lose sight of your true Path.

originally posted by: TheJourney
I used to overthink things to an extremely high degree. This contributed to anxiety that I felt around people and in social situations. I never felt comfortable with myself really.

After reading all that, I believe you still have the same issues.

As Jung said, there are no true introverts.

Meaningful relationships are rarely easy and take effort. Sounds to me as if you're putting a very high standard for who you will allow into your personal life, and not willing to make much of an effort to put the work in.

If you're not comfortable being social or having people close to you, then just realize that about yourself, and forge on.

But it seems to me that you do want people in your life, but your problem is fear.

Sorry, but I'm going to pick being comfortable with myself every time, even at the expense of other people. Trying to please others is futile. Please yourself first, always. Working on yourself is key, but why let the externals sort themselves out? You are the captain of your ship. Take control and allow what you want in, and what you don't want, leave out.

Also, this selfless stuff. If you don't feel like you have or need to serve others, then don't. The only thing that drives us to cooperate and socialize with others is survival instinct, something most of us don't even understand about ourselves. Ironically, it's a completely selfish need.

Yep, I'm going there: You owe nobody else anything. There is no rule whatsoever that states you have to interact with others, cooperate with others, please others, or even that you can't be wrapped up in yourself. If you feel an innate need to have a social life, then you should pursue it. If you don't, and what makes you happy is not interacting with others, there is -absolutely nothing wrong with it-.

*There is nothing wrong with living for just yourself, if you feel ok with it.*

Anyone who says otherwise is full of it. Only you can decide what is right or wrong for yourself. If you want to allow others to program you with their 'advice' (even mine), even that is your decision.

The answers to your dilemma can only be found in you. Do you or don't you want deep relationships? If you do, then you have to pursue them and put the work in. They are not just going to fall into your lap. If you don't, then move on.

originally posted by: berenike
a reply to: TheJourney
Don't worry too much about wasting your life or trying to understand what other people think constitutes a fulfilled life.

You do what makes you feel fulfilled or what helps you to grow.

This is the best advice you're going to get in this thread. Again, only you have the answers. Be honest with yourself, don't be ashamed of how you really feel. Accept yourself. Trust yourself, even when you let yourself down. If you don't fit in, be who you really are with all your being.

You have two choices while you're living and breathing, and if health and mind permits: be a miserable depressed lost soul or just be content. So many don't understand how much control they truly have over this choice.

a reply to: TheJourney

I've found myself in similar situations since I left high school. I'm 24 now, highly introverted, and back in highschool, a lot of people thought I hated them because I quite often wanted to do something alone. I was one of those "popular unpopular" guys - Several people from all of the cliques had high respect for me (which I found out after leaving school), and yet, they never really invited me to do things with them.

Moved out the day after I graduated (it wasn't by choice), and was actually packing as soon as I got home instead of the all-night party. Well, we moved out of my hometown that I lived in for most of my life, and into a new city. It depressed me immensely because I didn't know anyone.

The move caused me to change a bit though - I found that many of the things I enjoyed doing often involved meeting new people for the first time; I began to make friends and actually keep them. I did meet a rather fine ex, but balked at the M-word because she just wasn't meant for me. And even recently, I met an amazing person while hiking in my favorite park - Never mind I'm still Jaded that she bailed on me for good, for a good month I was radiating happiness because I could be myself around her. If she wanted back in, I'd let her in in a heartbeat.

Short version of my story is: There are a lot of us out there in a similar boat to you. It sounds like you are discovering yourself, and making great progress in doing so. Just keep an eye open, because you never know who you will meet while doing something you like. And if you do meet someone, don't try to impress them: If they like you, then they won't need to be impressed.

-fossilera

a reply to: TheJourney

To wit:www.sunfell.com...

namaste