Losing my marriage... not sure how to feel.

Dear trusted members of ATS...its been a long time since I posted and everything has changed since I last posted here - after losing my home, my friends and my life I am not facing losing my marriage and I don't know what to do or how I should be feeling. People in my real life have such strong opinions and in listening to them, I don't trust my own judgement any more! I just need your very honest opinions, ATS, I t mind how brutal they are. I just need to get a hold on this.

I married a Jordanian 11 years ago ( Arab Muslim). I'm British born and bred. He really was my best friend and we shared lots of common interestsand I loved him dearly. We have 4 children together and out really is inconceivable that we would break up. He was ' the one'.
I worked as a nurse and had a good career and i was always the main bread winner until he inherited a substantial amount of money. I was then able to stop work and look after our children. To cut an 11 year story very short in order tyo keep thos concise, he always intended opening or buying a business but it never happened. He screwed up in UK ( signed a contract for £170k then realised the deal was not what he thought and changed his mind! ) He got sued so he needed to move to his home country to escape being sued. We sold everything and moved to Jordan with our 2 children. We settled there but he did not ever get round to committing to buying a business but workedvas ac trainee lawyer for £250 per month. He failed his exams 3 times so never qualified. He never bought a house. He invested £50k in a dying family travel agency without telling me until a few months ago. He never wanted me to have a bank account so he always provided for me and our children from his account.

Basically the money ran out. I had to come back to UK with our kids as he couldn't afford the rented home we lived in and had to sell all our furniture etc. I found a job there but it wasnt enough to pay our rent. His family turned against me inexplicably as I had always been on good terms with them but I think he convinced them I had spent his inheritance so they all blamed me.

So I came back to UK with our kids ( his family had tried to convince him to keep the kids and send me back alone, to my complete horror!) I was pregnant with our 4th child and when I wasd due to give birth he came over to UK to 'support' me. By this time I had found a house and an income but after not very long he began to resent taking kids money from me ( he came to UK with £200 which did not last long) . A few weeks after having our baby he became very distant and moody. He moved out of the family home and took a room in a house with a single man in the same town. I live in a small town where news travels fast, plus I was raised here and have friends and family here, and soon found out he was involved with a woman. Her husband later foundv out and threatened my husband etc. I found this very humiliating, especially as i was home breastfeeding our baby while he was doing all of vthis. he had become friendly with the woman in the schoolmplayground when taking my daughters to and from school.

And so, ATS, here we are 8 months on. He found a zero hours contract job as a chef and still lives in his room. He works variable but part time hours. He still comes around to the house on an almost daily basis and has belongings here, his theory is that the kids won't even know he has left. He comes here at 6,30am every day to take the kids to school but is often so moody with them that they don't like being with him. He eats my food and sleeps here on occasions in my sons room. He contributes nothing at all financially to our children or our household. Occasionally he looks after the kids for a couple of hours while i go to a group in joined, but when I return he is so full of resentment towards me and the kids are upset. This is so out of character for cthe man I lived with before...I don't know who he is!

We rarely talk because even if he stays over, he won't sit with me - he just goes to bed. He shows minimal interest in the children, never does their homework with them or takes any interest in their schooling or life. He contributes nothing to their school ntrips or clothes, I support them financially and emotionally, with help from my parents in who help me no end. He hides his phone from me and lies about his whereabouts.

He considers that the kids and i are to blame for him losing his inheritance. I find this all so painful as I still can't believe things have come to this. I look at the man I was in love with but he isn't there any more....I an completely focused on our children and will love and protect them always. I am comfortable financially and I amn the one who provides solely for them in every way. I am working on rebuilding my career so iI can give our kids a bright future...I'm planning to go back into nursing asap and have some good existing links to get back into a successful career? It'll be tough with 4 children but I'm determined.

Tonight I confronted my husband calmly about our situation and that I find it hurtful that he is involved with other women. He basically told me he is a free man and I can't control who he sees and that after 11 years of supporting me and his children, he is rebuilding his life and putting himself first!
To be honest I feel so angry with his attitude that I am considering divorce...I just don't want things to become hostile for the kids sake. At the moment he comes and goes as he pleases and although its irritating, at least things are amicable.
I'm scared to move things from where they are now because that would then officially be drawing a line under our relationship. I'm scared of how I will feel if I do that. But I feel taken advantage of how things are now.

My parents hate him so much for, as they see it, letting this happen. They can't accept he is no longer supporting his children. But I need my actions to reflect my opinions, not theirs.

I'm lost with this ATS. I don't want my kids to be affected and will do my very best to make things smoothbore forvthem, but what should I be doing? That's why I need your opinions.

If vyou got t.his far, thank you x

If he is bringing nothing but negativity, my advice would be to dump the chump.
There are plenty of good others.

Sounds like he's hanging on, "just in case". Don't let him come over and eat your food and stay the night if he's not going to contribute or help out. Seems like you are self sufficient and he is only bringing you down.

He's using you.

Get a divorce and move on with your life. (I know, easily said by someone not involved).

Your parents are always there for you, so lean on them and enjoy that support. You need it!

He really has already 'divorced' you in his mind. You filling out the paperwork is just a formal process to it....and something you should probably do immediately.
You should also take his key away to your home, immediately. You need the security and comfort that a home provides. It isn't relaxing for you with him coming and going anytime.
Sit down with him and make a child visitation schedule so you both know when he is coming and going. No more overnights, no more thoughts of 'reconciliation', he ended the marriage quite a long time ago it sounds like. You have just finally accepted it now.
Get as much time as you can away from him. When the kids go with him it is out of your home and off with him. When they come back it's 30 seconds at the door and goodbye. You need time to reset your emotional compass, become single again and focus on your kids and family.
If he gets 'hostile' about the divorce you simply rise above it for the kids sake. You end any talking that gets heated immediately. If he doesn't leave your home you call the police immediately. He needs to understand you will not accept violence or verbal abuse. Tell him to leave immediately and call the police if he doesn't. He will get the message loud and clear.

There is a great life after divorce, don't even spend one second worrying about it! Get support from your parents anytime you need it! Being at your house during visits with him, anything that helps you move forward. They can help with the divorce paperwork and keeping life normal for the kids.

Good Luck!

a reply to: Lovely1973

Lady, I'm tell'n you one thing. When you decide you're done.
And you will. Don't you let on, or tip him off in any way.
Because if he betrayed you and told his people you spent
all the money. And it really was him? Then you better be on guard
and see his short temper with the kids, for what it is. What I'm
saying is, if you decide to be gone? Don't let on, just be gone.
Break it off clean and get the hell away from that guy. Even then
you may be in a bad way. But you're not in good situation at all.

^^what the dude/dudette above me said above that 1^^
Sounds like hes a selfish d#ck who wont even look after his children. If he aint raising them he might as well f@ck off.

Good luck to you and always stay positive! You are not alone...ever

a reply to: Lovely1973

Listen Lovely1973,

All of this is terrible of course, and no one would fail to understand how utterly upside down your head must be at this point, no one who has not been through the wringer anyway. The fact is that all of this seems very familiar to me, and I think you might benefit from some realism here.

My mother and father should have divorced when I was about two years, maybe three years old. Instead they "kept it together" for the kids, which was more about my mothers wish not to put my sister and I through that situation, than it ever was about my fathers determination to stay in our lives as a member of the family. He was given the option of leaving, but he confided in me much later that it was simply easier to remain where he was for a while longer. Yeah.

He was absent from my life, despite the fact that he was physically present. This continued until I was sixteen, at which point he divorced my mother. The year after that he had taken up with some vapid moron he met at his Church, of all places. A year after that, he disowned my sister and I. He always resented the effort he had to put into us, every second, every spent pound, every ounce of effort he ever expended on behalf of his family.

Him doing that, waiting around with all that resentment and anger, lead to a very oppressive, grey backdrop to life. I have no doubt that things would have been tough without my father in the family, because at least he worked, but in terms of how free we all would have been to pursue our happiness, in the knowledge that the members of our household all loved one another dearly, I think it would have been better.

This man that you have this history and these children with seems as narcissistic as they come, if what you have said is anything like a good indicator of what has happened, a trait which once again, is very familiar to me. If all is as you have said, then you should think about divorcing him seriously. Remember, keeping it going for the kids is a noble thing to try to do, but not necessarily wise, or indeed any less likely to cause heartbreak later on.

You deserve better than a man who will go out and cheat on you, while you look after his children. That is frankly abominable behaviour! I certainly cannot see you ever trusting him again, given his conduct and you cannot have a marriage where there is none of that present.

a reply to: randyvs

I want to understand what you mean Randy....but I don't quite get what you are saying. Its late, I'm tired but your reply interests me...what do you mean when you say I should see his temper with the kids for what it is?
I often feel I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment and now's one of those. Forgive my dumbness x

And this too shall pass, get used to that phrase my sister, for I've used it many times. As bleak as it seems now, You will get through this. PEACE.

feminists...
He made you 4 kids i think that's a sign of love, plus you guys married.
He seem to make it hard for you though but i guess force him to see a therapist and discuss; a broke father without his family who knows what can happen

I am so very sorry you have to deal with this mess. You have already received some good advice and I have to agree...leave him. Things will only get worse instead of getting any better. Your kids are already experiencing his bad moods and don't want to be around him. He isn't doing anything for you or those precious children. Find someone who is worth your time and love. I wish you the strength and courage to follow through.

a reply to: Lovely1973

NP darlin, I'm often completely vague even when
I go back and read my own posts. But what I'm saying is
if he's short tempered with his own kids. Those who
most people can't help but love. Then how short will his
temper be with you when you aggravate his whole world?
He has family to help him run when ever he has to if he
needs too. You obviously can't trust him and I'm telling
you not to in the slightest way. I'm sorry to say it, but you
have to worry about who you actually married at this moment.

a reply to: TrueBrit
Wow...thanks for that, TrueBrit.
A reality check indeed and I can identify with some of the things you said and see them affecting my kids further down the line...the resentment and disinterest sounds hauntingly similar. That'sreally struck a cord with me. I thank you for that...and of course am sorry for your experiences.

I'm mindful that there are two sides to every situation and I can only portray mine...all I can say is that I loved him dearly, I tried to be a good wife - I know his side of the story too....its too much for him to adfmit he screwed up ( in more humble moments he has done). He has had the opportunity to try to make things right, ie work hard and I would be more than willing to join together to dig ourselves out of the hole, but he has become self interested. Narcissistic hits the nail on the head.

Trouble is I'm too soft hearted...its easy to carry on as things are but your reply is a big red flag to me.
Thank you x

Thanks all so much for your replies...if you knew how much each one means x
I'm reading with interest but need to sleep now..poorly little ones so need to grab every bit of sleep I can.
Genuinely, thank you all x

a reply to: Lovely1973

My concerns are with your kids. I know in the states, many middle eastern men will flee with their kids back to their home land. I would suggest divorcing him, but making sure your kids can not be taken away from you. He definitely sounds like he's taking advantage of you and not appreciating you or the children. His family may pressure him to get custody of the kids so if you feel this is the case, I would immediately talk with the authorities to find out your options to help prevent this from happening. Best of luck to you, I hope everything works out with you and your children.

originally posted by: TheMasterOne
feminists...
He made you 4 kids i think that's a sign of love, plus you guys married.
He seem to make it hard for you though but i guess force him to see a therapist and discuss; a broke father without his family who knows what can happen

Feminists...unstable answer much?

Marriage is just the beginning, the work isn't done and he has given up. Making 4 kids is easy, raising and providing for them isn't. You don't get to bang other people in marriages, unless agreed upon by both parties, is still not a good idea. I like your therapist comment, but at this point I wouldn't suggest it, I would demand it, with the other option divorce.

Kids don't deserve instability in their lives, neither does she. Emotions need to be put aside for them.

I got out of a bad 12 year relationship, met a better person, and now am MUCH happier. The end of the world feeling I had then? It is gone.

Good luck op

I wonder if a sense of failure is behind a lot of your husband's attitude and behaviour?

Seeing you being strong and picking up the pieces might be hard for him and he is resentful that he is the one who is now seen as the 'weaker' partner.

In that situation, he will try and blame you for anything that he can. I've experienced this 'blame' game with a friend who was very badly behaved and deserved to be pulled up for it. After that, I would get picked on for small things - just to prove that I wasn't perfect either.

He needs his family to see things from the point of view that you are the problem or he will be a failure in the eyes of everyone.

I think he is now trying to establish himself as a man who can do as he pleases in an effort to save face and bolster his confidence and sense of self worth.

I am not approving of his behaviour - just trying to make sense of it.

You are in a position now where it's almost as if you both are waiting for the first one to blink.

I imagine it will be several years before even your eldest child is old enough to fend for themselves so you have to make long-term plans. I would hope that you could achieve an amicable resolution to your problems but, if things look as if they will go badly, you might need to get some legal advice and find out what support systems are in place for women in your situation. In fact, you might want to look into all that now so as to give yourself an idea of all possible options.

I take it that your husband wouldn't agree to counselling? Possibly he would see that as a further diminishing of his status as the man of the family?

The man you loved and married is not the same man today. People change.

Sounds like he is a bigger burden than he's worth and with his family being involved, matters will only get worse.

You deserve better and so do your kids. Move on, without him. There a bigger and better fish in the sea.

Last but not least,.......listen to Randy's advise.

a reply to: Lovely1973

Better call Saul


Get an attorney a good one and divorce after that you rebuild you for you and the kids. You will meet the right guy but if this marriage is so awkward at this point and you know he is hitting it with another chick you need to protect yourself not only legally but you need to do the right things for your kids and yourself. Listen to your gut and do what you want to and do not listen to bullsh1t. Good luck and god speed lady

a reply to: Lovely1973

Not sure if I can be of much help but you were both in love once. Ask him if he will come to couples counseling with you. If he wont, then it may be best to simply divorce and disappear. I'd also look for getting a court order to keep him at a safe distance from you and the kids.

What ever you choose, it will be painful for everyone involved. If that is understood it can give some clarity to make some hard choices. Don't just hang around hoping for things to just get better.

You sound like a clear headed and decisive person. You have to be the one to decide because it sounds like he can't.

Neither of you will be in a better place unless there is (painful) change.