Empty nest :(

My eldest stepdaughter has informed us that she and her spouse will not be coming home for Thanksgiving, because they have plans to go to a friend's house instead. I'm pretty bummed. They are the closest of the kids, only an hour away. This is probably more of a rant than anything, because I have no choice but to accept her wishes... but man I sure am disappointed. I was a stepmom before I was a mother, and now all my stepchildren have grown up and it seems like they've never glanced back at what's left behind. It's just so different from how I was raised, and what I tried to instill in them. Family is always the most important thing, and if you are in close proximity you should be together whenever possible, especially on the holidays! We're both military families, so who knows when we will ever be stationed so close together again. Anyone else have a case of empty nest syndrome? How do you not let yourself get blue about it?

a reply to: MojaveBurning

I understand the family issue....important....oh yes.
Can you go there and be with them?
Do a road trip maybe?

If its an hour away it might be doable for you...go meet them there if you can.
Family is important so an effort is a worthy cause and a great attempt if you can pull it off.
Good luck in your travels and escapades.

Happy thanksgiving regardless.

a reply to: MojaveBurning

My kids are still 3 & 7 but I've thought of the day when they would no longer need me already. It makes me very sad in a happy kind of way. I sympathise with you right now.

When they sleep I wonder when this happens if I again will lose my identity only to find a new one, combining all the earlier ones, there waiting for me again. But it's just the natural order of things, they want to be independent, I'm not to old to remember I did this also.

I wish I could give you a hug right now. 😢

One thing I have had to do with almost all the kids moved out is being open to celebrating on a different day. We already had Thanksgiving here in Canada. We did the dinner on Monday instead of Sunday because of boyfriends' families and jobs.

One problem we've encountered having almost all daughters is they put first what the guy wants Dad is having an especially difficult time with this lol.

One of the guys is a jerk no one likes and he goes out of his way to avoid visiting. I don't miss seeing him, but I would like to see my daughter more.

a reply to: AnteBellum

Yes, you do seem to get it. The self-identity question is one I've asked myself many times! I still have an 8 year old, but she becomes more grown up each day, and I wonder how I'll cope when she's gone off on her own too. I suspect I'll have lots of dogs. And maybe a couple of horses. It's funny how parenthood changes you, and then you have to figure out who you are all over again when you aren't their personal taxi driver anymore!

Sometimes kid's, especially young women, want to make something of their own traditions for various holiday's. They spend their whole lives in the shadows of their mother's, and the traditions she has, and they want their own somehow.

My daughter was never more proud than when she showed me traditions she wanted to embrace in her home - and I never more proud of her. Some of it was much different than my own, but some of it took pieces of everything I taught her that was good..

I am with the poster that says you should see about going there if possible, but I believe when you do don't say anything but good things about the different things you see her do... she wants something of her own to be proud of.. so give her that source of pride!

a reply to: MojaveBurning

I understand how you feel, we had an empty nest now for a couple of years. I think mothers have a harder time adapting than fathers. A day doesn't go by without my wife being bummed out that our kids don't visit too often and they live within a 15 mile radius of our home! My son uses our house as a rest stop between college classes, using our computer for his studies and raiding our refrigerator. My daughter also uses it as a pit stop between her work as a pharmaceutical sales rep.

We now have a new baby in our house that has taken the place of our empty nest. It has a big nose, floppy ears and goes by the name of Pina. My wife treats our new golden retriever like it's our toddler. She even brings it to doggie daycare!!!! If that isn't bad enough, she paid extra to have the day care give Pina her 1st birthday party with her doggie friends.

Maybe you need to get a dog to help fill that empty nest syndrome? If you don't think my wife has gotten carried away with the new member or our family, check out her birthday party with her thug party friends! I question the friends Pina hangs with at doggie daycare.

a reply to: WeRpeons

Pina is beautiful, no wonder your wife 'spoils' her! I actually have 2 dogs, although one of them is so old that he mostly just sleeps and eats and gets petted nowadays. Having furry friends really does help with that empty nest loneliness though!

This is just how America is. Kids are encouraged to leave home (go get in a heap of student loan debt) and take their newly indoctrinated skills to the market in the pursuit of material possessions as early as possible. Why live with your family when you can purchase your own house, your own cars and your own crap? It's really just that much more to sell people, but they present it as "independence".

And besides, family cramps your style. You can't live the life of the rock star your society told you you're supposed to be if you stick close to your family. It's a sign of weakness and insecurity in our society. Certainly not "cool".

As result, most people are so wrapped up in their own personal pursuit of the "American dream" that they rarely give their families (especially their parents) a second thought once they reach their late twenties. It's no wonder the kids don't come home for the holidays.

And don't get old. Lord, don't do that. They'll just put you in a home when you become too much of a pain in the ass for their TV programming schedule to allow.

It's interesting to note that most countries aren't like this. Family ties remain much stronger in societies that are not dominated by the quest for material consumption and ego gratification.

Anyway. Rant off. Hope you have a nice Thanksgiving regardless.

My youngest left home for college last year (I have three) . I struggle with the empty nest, though I think the hardest transition was with the first leaving- brought up all kinds of identity issues... asking myself, what am I, if not a mother???

Having left my own country and family, I had really invested myself deeply in my own cellular family instead. All the bonding ritual and tradition we did was very important to me.

I got deeper involved in activities which allowed me to use my maternal qualities- helping older people, doing tutoring work for kids, taking on training projects for people and their animals... even my garden became something I nurtured and helped to grow. We can have many "children" in other ways!

Being very flexible on dates helps- even Christmas, we might celebrate on a different day this year again, because each kid has parents-in-law, as well as grandparents, who want them to come celebrate with them too (and I will be working on Christmas too).

I also started a different job, in an area that is totally new to me, with lots to learn, so that takes up a lot of my concentration.

But like someone else- we got a dog that became our "baby". Though we've always had dogs when the kids were little, this one actually gets to get in bed with us, or cuddle on the couch- things I never ever allowed a dog in the past!
I spend a lot of time taking him out on walks, and put a lot of energy into his base education so that he can go anywhere with me without a leash, and obeys many different cues. He has been a godsend for this nest!


Just feeling your sadness with ya! Hang in there!

a reply to: Bluesma

Cute dog. I can't imagine a home without a dog. They supply a lot of laughter, love and comfort.

My and my three siblings left home within a couple of years of each other. I remember driving away to University and only looking forward.

Years later, my parents confided at a family gathering, how distressed they were when they went from a full house, with all the bustle and mayhem, to a quiet, empty house. My parents hid it so well as we were all helped out of the door and pushed into the wide world.

I dread my children leaving, but won't stop them. I am resigned - like my parents - to help them go with no conscience.

Regards