anyone else isolated?

Are there any other adults here that are ostracized/isolated at work or school or wherever it is you are?

How do you deal with it? Just go along to get along? I'm isolated at work, and I don't understand why. It irritates me sometimes. I'm thinking of quitting and finding another job.

a reply to: introspectionist

Isolation is a difficult thing to cope with and becomes more and more difficult as time passes because the person who feels isolated will begin to reinforce the isolation by developing a self-protective shell of inapproachability and negativity.

One must be aware of this kind of projection right up front so that one can make an effort to be conscious of it and to avoid engaging in it. You don't want to make yourself less approachable - deliberately or not.

If this is a new situation, IE a place you have not been for long, people tend to get clique oriented. Once that happens it can be difficult to get past their defensive behaviors and become accepted. It takes time, but will eventually happen as familiarity and common shared experiences grow.

If this is a place where you have been for a long time the dynamic is different. You would need to think back and try to honestly and openly see if you have ever engaged in aggressive or unfriendly behaviors that might lead to being ostracised by the group. If so then things can be fixed by taking the time to apologize to those effected and to explain that you meant nothing personal by it and will seek to approach things differently in the future.

I hope this helps.

Can you explain to us what's going on at work that makes you feel isolated? Are you being bullied or ridiculed, for example?

a reply to: introspectionist

I'm sorry to hear about the issue. I really don't know why some people (or groups of people) isolate others. At my second job out of high school, there was a kid who was into demonology, spiritualism, energy work, parapsychology, and paranormal stuff. He often talked about controlling demons and such. Well, that's the reason he was ostracized, but he shouldn't have been. Sure, it's not exactly normal to talk about that kind of stuff, but nobody deserves to be isolated when that's not what they want.

If it's really bothering you, and if you're job is somewhat of a disposable one (I used "disposable" loosely since jobs can be difficult to come by), it might not be terrible to remove yourself from the situation altogether. That's probably not the best advice in the world - but that's what I'd do. At my first job, a couple guys got the bright idea to pick on me about the dumbest crap. I reported it, and nobody cared. I never went back. Some people may have stuck it out, but to me it's not worth the stress.

If you like the work and the pay is good, I would try to just go along - Have you tried some friendly chit-chatting? Sometimes people are too awkward and shy to talk to the isolated person. If you try to "unisolate" yourself (if you haven't already), maybe something good will come of it. Otherwise, don't hesitate to quit a job on behalf of your emotional happiness.

Well I'm not isolated at all, but I read your thread, and saw that it did'nt have any answers. Before the terrible looming irony set in, I decided to pop in and say : hang on in there !

.... And about ten different people answered you before me. ATS looks out for its own !

originally posted by: N3k9Ni
Can you explain to us what's going on at work that makes you feel isolated? Are you being bullied or ridiculed, for example?

I am being teased a lot but I don't care much about that. From day one they seemed to scheme behind my back to eat lunch everyone together except me. When I tried to eat with them a couple of times they did all kinds of tricks to avoid me. Now I just let them eat together laughing and joking while I go to a restaurant nearby on my own. The food is a lot better than the crap they eat so jokes on them. I have a feeling they hate me because I'm more evolved, but maybe that's just delusion of grandeur. That's what I kind of told myself when they isolated me because it feels better than they isolate me because I'm retarded or dirty or mentally disordered. Anyway, I always had social problems to one degree or another, always had low social competence.

Fear not, everything is unfolding perfectly.

Being isolated is often a sign of an individual. Someone who doesn't follow the herd and gets persecuted for behaving as a free spirit. jelousy can be a spiteful thing.

Yeah me too. I’ve always felt isolated, at school and at every single job I’ve ever had, even now I’m in my thirties it doesn’t get any better.

I put it down to feeling so different, like everyone else is only interested in talking about Coronation Street or Dancing with the Stars and all the other crap they watch on tv….

Don’t worry about not fitting in, at the end of the day you’re there to do a job and not make best friends with anyone. Even if you move jobs chances are you’ll feel the same so don’t quit for that reason alone.

Be proud that you’re different and not as shallow as everyone else!

a reply to: introspectionist

Given that reply I have to be blunty honest - with your best interest in mind - and suggest that if you change environments the problems will likely follow you. Feeling "more evolved" is actually a sign of low self-esteem or social phobias.

You come across as possibly an Aspie?

If you truly want to be accepted into the fold you simply have to lose the judgmental and qualifying labels and simply see people as people, yourself included - and accepted each individual upon their own merits. There is good in everyone, just sometimes we have to dig a bit to get to it.

a reply to: introspectionist

You're just shy, that's all - not that that isn't a terrible social hurdle to negotiate, but stop thinking you're a special case.

I'm shy too. My natural inclination is to run whenever I meet new people.

I recently heard a statistic that between 30% and 50% of people are shy, so it might help to know that it's not just you who is suffering.

Try and concentrate on your work rather than on the people you work with.

They might not be around for very long, but hopefully your job will.

Maybe you should consider a management role, it does take a lot of skill in group dynamics, motivation and conflict resolution. But if you can handle that, having some separation from the rest of the group helps when you do need to be firm and not get caught up in all the matey, matey stuff.

a reply to: introspectionist

If you go by the name introspectionist, this will probably be the same story wherever you go. This world is dominated by meddlesome judgmental extroverts who have no habit of self-reflection. Find very friendly welcoming people, learn how to be friendly and welcoming back to them and don't focus on the noise. Remember, if the person bothering you had an objective evaluation system about other people that you valued, they wouldn't be troublesome to you in the first place. Why allow the judgment and habits of people with broken assessment systems get you down?

I am an alien, so I know exactly what you are talking about. Just kidding.
Everybody feels alone or detached at some point, or to a certain degree, if it bothers you, assimilate, if not just be yourself. There are people who like you and some who don't, that's just life. Don't overthink.

I know a lot of RH negative blood types feel isolated and alone, my mother and brother are both RH negative blood type and feel this way, also my wifes brother is RH negative and he also said if feels like he is isolated from other people, would you happen to be RH negative blood typea reply to: introspectionist

a reply to: angrymob

interesting. I don't know what blood type I have.

I went to work as an anglo in a primarily Hispanic environment. I was isolated, no one spoke to me, and they spoke to each other in Spanish which I did not understand, not only that but they sat around neglecting their responsibilities and watched me run around taking up the slack.

I cried every day on the way home, but I made up my mind they were not going to force me out. It got nasty, they reported me for not doing my job, amusing under the circumstances. I just told my boss she needed to investigate and see what was really going on. After that it lessened but did not stop. I hung in there. It took two months, but slowly they warmed up and later became friends. I did not give tit for tat, just calmly went about my job and part of theirs. I kept my feelings to myself, I repaid rudeness with kindness. It works.

a reply to: introspectionist

I've had experiences like that in the past with schoolmates and coworkers alike. It's never easy.

It's always a sad day when a social group has nothing better to do than gang up on one person out of pettiness or spite.

If it's any consolation, if I worked there, I'd totally sit at lunch with you! Us outcast have to stick together!

Hang in there, it gets better - and if it doesn't - let them have their little "clique" and find a better work environment. Usually the types of folks that will treat another human being like that are working through things themselves, and it might just be a sign than you are destined for a better job opportunity somewhere else.

Best of luck to you - we're rooting for ya! Hang in there!

a reply to: introspectionist

I make friends online, like dear Heff and all my other ATS friends

not to worry! its in my opinion that you have the advantage here to teach yourself that happiness comes from yourself, and what you make of yourself. not what others think of you or what you may think.

let your classmates do what they do, you will find a TRUE friend regardless of their opinion of you.

and that friend you make will last you longer than all their friends combined.

I feel isolated at work. But in trying to be objective, I remember feeling the same way in high school at some point, and yet the people I knew back then who I have contact with now have a very different memory! For them I was someone who stood out, and some swear I was highly admired and popular.

So I try to balance my feelings by reminding myself that my perception may be subjectively flawed.
It might be a good idea to examine and make sure your feelings are accurate? Sometimes if you are a very introspective person, you fail to notice the exterior signs that people are feeling close to you, or wanting to be, anyway.

In my case, the reason is fairly clear- I am from a urban part of the US, living in a rural part of South France. I stand out like a sore thumb physically, with blond hair, blue eyes, and tall, amongst dark haired, dark eyed and petite people.
Then there is differences in culture and behavior which make us most often incomprehensible to each other. Being able to speak the same language does not at all insure effective communication and comprehension!

But your situation doesn't sound the same. It might be worth it to try some very simple types of gestures to bring people together- bring cupcakes to everyone at work, and do it in a way that gathers them together for a moment (like they all have to come to the same point to get theirs). Be one who buys a card for a coworkers birthday and has everyone sign it. Things like that.

I learned this from watching my daughter, who has some real social skills and is always loved by everyone, surrounded by many friends, despite being a bit different. Putting energy into shows of care for the whole tends (with time) to reflect back to you with care from the whole. But it takes a willingness to come out of your shell and take some chances!