He sat in his dark great room smoking a cigarillo and sipping on what was his favorite single malt scotch. The emptiness of his mind focused his
attention on breaking down the tastes. The thick smoke from the drag was like ethereal chocolate with subtle amaretto under tones. The scotch was a
smooth highland spirit. Tastes of liquid wood smoke coated the faint citrus and apple aspects that began to reveal themselves to his tongue. The
feelings of relaxation brought him back to himself that began the familiar sadness and disappointment.
The first few months after that traumatic night was a Xanax and sedative induced haze but in the fog he was still there, simply trading the
unbearable pain of conscious loss for the numb pain of grey emptiness. He craved death but couldn’t bring himself to end it. Even with what felt
like a shattered mind and soul he had the clarity to not want them to misconstrue him fulfilling the desperate wish for his fathomless emptiness to
end as having anything to do with those people he had left in his life. There was something of an exchange in pain in what felt like primarily
existing so those he cared for wouldn’t hurt; Sticking it out seemed the right thing to do for the people that cared for him but he existed as a
phantom of who he once was. He was a walking talking corpse, doing his best to look alive while decaying on the inside.
Rob got better at going through the motions of looking like a living person, he kicked the medications, somewhat picked up eating and drinking again
and made honest plans for a well meaning but relatively empty “future”. In the plans he made he would dress in his well-fitted black suits and
white dress shirts and drive her old mustang to the new job he hoped to obtain, a job with a charity devoted to helping those that seemed to need it.
Rob had the idea that maybe if she were looking, it would make her proud but that thought couldn’t ignite his soul’s flame again in the absence of
the oxygen of seeing her smile and basking in the present warm embrace of her love. Underneath the illusion of on the outside what looked like baby
steps towards that new future he was crawling on his knees. No one saw that he never really got back up after collapsing from losing her, his
foundation of existence. Despite knowing he could get up, knowing he could go through the motions Rob simply no longer wanted to. He was aware that
the legs of his capability could take him anywhere he wanted to go in the world but he only wanted to go to her.
In the beginning he could still talk to her briefly in dreams and see her at the boundary of sleep and waking. He remembered the morning he awoke to
a place showered in the brightest yet inexplicability gentle white light he had ever seen. She was lying peacefully asleep next to him with her arms
folded under herself like he remembered she did when she was alive. She had always looked like an angel to him but with that unique light bathing her
pale skin and blond hair if he didn’t know her previously as the human love of his existence he would swear she was a celestial being. There was no
fading of the environment or waking as if from a dream, one moment he was there and the next he was not. As far as Rob was concerned he was with her
that morning. Then there was the dream that in the instant he gained lucidity she ran up to him from his peripheral and excitedly hugged him.
“I knew you could do it!” She squealed in delight and he melted in her tight embrace. The memory of the smile on her face and feeling of her arms
around him in that dream moment became a bitter sweet memory he was thankful to have but sorrowful to have no more of.
In the absence of true purpose and will for the future he more than he cared to succumbed to the tide of apathy and mindlessness that he thought was
the bane of the world. In his moments of clarity he felt sometimes conflicted and sometimes disgusted at too often finding himself not himself, not
the him he chose to be, the him she loved. He found in time his animal urges clawed their way to the surface. His body longed for the intimacy
experienced between men and women, not plainly sex but complete connection. He was aware he was alluring to the opposite sex; He was handsome,
intelligent, and seemed to possess that je ne sais quoi that intrigued women. He wanted to lose himself to the animal aspect of man; The desire burned
in him to use his nature to obtain that intimacy even though he knew it could never be complete but at his core he couldn’t bring himself to know
another woman. He couldn’t bare the idea of the deception of another woman believing he could truly be hers nor the idea of potentially depriving
that woman of the chance of her true other with Rob knowing that he himself was not it. In his lighthearted moments he often wondered to himself how
the hell monks managed to do it, he eventually concluded it was through decided delusion and possibly a lot of masturbation.
In addition to his desire for selfish lust and intimacy he found in his most empty moments the darkest of apathy taking the reigns. An apathy which
was at ends with who he decided he really was. Rob sunk into deeper despair at the idea of her watching her knight in what he thought might have once
looked like shining armor now on his knees in scraps rusted by those moments of lost self. He withered at the thought that she may have left him, but
decided he couldn’t blame her for it. Angels deserve better than Devils with generally good intentions he thought sorrowfully. Rob sighed but hoped
she felt the depth of love for him that he did for her and that maybe she would still want to keep him when he got to the other side.
He stopped grocery shopping when she left and as such often existed on take out and the generosity of his mother and bother who did their best to
help keep his body running. The thought of his brother and mom trying to help him pushed him to feed himself despite not being hungry. Though it was
nothing new for him to be frequently absent minded when it involved eating on a normal schedule his new eating habits were sometimes non-existent. The
feeling of the hunger he knew was dulled by pain and emptiness. A food trip! He told himself. He hoped the ride on his motorcycle would wipe away some
of the despair in his heart. He peeled off his standard uniform of house clothes exchanging them for his jeans, t-shirt and black motorcycle jacket.
“Hey look… He’s going out…”
“Let’s not get too excited, it’s just for Chinese.” He said weakly smiling at the man in the mirror.
edit on 12-6-2014 by Strayed because: (no reason given)