Do I have the right to push him so far?

I've been with my current boyfriend for around nine months now and if I'd known about his drinking habits from the beginning, I might not have even bothered sticking around... But I didn't pick up on just the amount he drank until it was already too late and I'd fallen in love. What I first took as just fun-loving and trying to be comfortable to know me better turned out to be a major problem.

Fast forward to today, nine months into this. He doesn't like to hurt me because he knows his drinking stresses me out because we've had problems in the past and we almost always fight about it. He's hurt me and burnt me in the past over this like the week he drank six days straight, every single night. Or the night he finished off one of those larger sized bottles of vodka himself... Or the weekend that he drank twenty-two beers. If I let him, he'd get sloshed every single night of the week. Am I wrong to put limits on his drinking? He knows it upsets me and so only gets six packs mostly now or if I'm around if he has a case, keeps the number at six or seven... He's started bypassing my six limit, however, by getting beer with more ounces and still having six. I've done the math, with those extra ounces, he's having the equivalent of eight or nine.

I'm going to give a bit of past information on myself. I used to have a major drinking problem, there's no question about it. Seeing him drink all the time sends me into panic attacks almost like a PTSD response. I also do not like hanging around him when he drinks... I visit him to see him, not Miller, Bud, Busch, Genny, or Ham.

He has cut back some but he has no control when he drinks... If I don't say anything, he'll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink. He's even stated before that he has a problem with this, but he won't change! It's almost like he doesn't care about me sometimes whenever he does things like that. And sometimes, if I tell him that I do not want him to drink on a certain night because I'm stressed out, he won't drink but he'll act huffy like I've done some great travesty all evening and fling insults my way on certain occasions.

Just... What do I do? Do I let him drink himself stupid? Do I keep limiting him? I'm at my wit's end here. Things seem like they're getting better and then the cycle repeats over again from the beginning.

My father is an alcoholic. It's really a case by case things but you know... most only get worse.


I wish I had more to give you but honestly I'd need to see you both interacting with each other to evaluate and give a proper response.

Love is a hard thing. I'd leave him and see if he chooses the problem over you but chance are he'll choose to live with his problem.

Leave! Find someone that can respect you.

His drinking will destroy you. Hell girl, the first year of any relationship should be all lovey dovey with honey, peaches and cream, not fights!

Find someone else, do it now.

P

reply to post by Myomistress


Your entire first paragraph sounds like something I might have written based on a personal experience. You're not going to like my suggestion, but hopefully you will consider it: Just Leave Now.

Things will only get worse. You love him, I get that. Drug addicts love their high too, but it's not very good for them. You should get out while the relationship is still in its early stages.

Run!

You've only been with him 9 months. If you can't live with it, walk away. If he doesn't want to lose you, he'll have to make a choice or at least learn to compromise more than he has. Just don't be surprised if he doesn't make the choice you want him to. It's usually not a good idea to continue a relationship with someone that you are already trying to change after such a short time. You said yourself you probably wouldn't have pursued the relationship had you known about his habits, so make a choice now. The longer you wait, the worse it will be for you both.

You can't change someone. Only they can change themselves.

If he hasn't changed himself, then he doesn't want to. And if you have a problem yourself, then sticking around him with his problem is only injecting a lot of unnecessary stress and temptation into your life. You saw the need to change yourself. Why jeopardize that for him if he isn't going to make the effort to change?

If you leave him, one of two things will happen for him: He'll either realize that he likes having you around more than the alcohol and begin to change himself -or- He'll keep on drinking.

There's no way to tell which way it will go, but staying with him isn't going to make him change, either. You need to take care of yourself.

Everybody's responses so far have been right on the money. I work in mental health and see a LOT of substance abuse.

It all boils down to the fact that, until he is READY to quit, on his own, you'll be fighting a losing battle. Period. You cannot have a normal, healthy, loving relationship when you are with an alcoholic. You know this, deep in your heart. You cannot be his cop, his momma, or his rehab counselor.

Tell him, point blank, that his drinking is a deal breaker in your relationship, and you are not going to sacrifice your life while he drags you both down. Then leave, and stick to your guns.

If he gives a damn, he'll get help, and stop. If he isn't ready, he'll just find somebody else who'll try to "fix him" while he continues his downward spiral into hell.

Walk away before he destroys your life, or turns you into a nagging, nervous mess. It's not your problem, it's his. Love is a two way street. What you describe is not healthy. It's a dumpster fire. Exit immediately, before you lose your sanity.

You may love him, but you've only been together for 9 months. Trust me, leaving now at this juncture is better than hanging around waiting for him to change his drinking habits, which he obviously doesn't want to, and letting him grow on you when he's sober. Don't make it harder. Just leave now. Grab some coffee in the morning and start thinking about yourself.

You shouldn't be worrying if you have the right to push a drunk, the only thing you have to know for sure is that you have the right to be happy.

If he wanted to change for you then he would have found sobriety, he didn't so it is just another person without the willpower to break free of their crutches and/or addictions.

People can't be saved by anyone but themselves. Trying to fix someone is admirable and it usually ends up with the person doing the fix get screwed.

Leave before he continues to choose a drink over you.

I went out with a girl many moons ago who drank a lot but no big deal cos I could pack a few too. She could get ugly when intoxicated and very embarrassing in public. I saw the writing on the wall and did nothing because I thought I loved her and somehow we'd work through the problem. Looking back, I remember almost selling myself on the idea of leaving in the early stages but I voted myself down on that count. It didn't end well and we are not friends. It's a tough spot to be in to be sure but there is an inner voice of truth within you that is actually screaming for your attention, find it and trust it. Strictly my opinion of course

reply to post by Myomistress


Love is blind. My opinion, get out of this relationships and never turn back. My sister is married to an alcoholic and her marriage has been nothing but heartache. His two kids are embarrassed of their own father and don't want anything to do with him. My sister is in a rock and a hard place. If she divorces him, he gets half her pension and alimony. He doesn't do anything but drink. Neither of them speak to each other.

My wife has a friend whose been living with a guy who is now dying due to his alcoholism. He sounds just like your boyfriend. This guy wets the bed and drinks everyday. I was amazed when my wife said he can drink almost a 5th of vodka a day! Doctor's say he won't live to see summer.

I have to ask you, do you really want to live a life of hell with an alcoholic? Ask yourself, if a friend of yours told you she was dating someone like your boyfriend, would you recommend her to stay with him? Love changes overtime when the one you love abuses himself, abuses you, or shows no ambition to improve the relationship or contribute financially to a marriage.

You don't deserve a life of misery. Take the blinders off and recognize the situation you're in. Peace.

pheonix358
Leave! Find someone that can respect you.

His drinking will destroy you. Hell girl, the first year of any relationship should be all lovey dovey with honey, peaches and cream, not fights!

Find someone else, do it now.

P

OP if you read beyond the quoted post ... you're a bigger part of the problem than you may realize. There is no other better advice.

You're SO is going to destroy his liver. If you truly love him, you don't want to be around for that for your own sake.

If you're still reading (geeze Louise), tell him you're on a break until he gets professional help (which you damn well better monitor), and walk away an appropriate distance.

reply to post by Myomistress


Whatever you do, stay on birth control and don't get pregnant with this man. Some people think bringing a baby into such a dysfunctional relationship will make the man shape up. It won't.

As others have already told you, as much as you may not want to hear it. Cut your losses and leave now. It will only get worse. He already resents you for even having an opinion on his drinking habits. He's an alcoholic, plain and simple. It's his problem, and you are trying to fix something only he can fix.

First he has to admit he has a problem and wants to stop drinking. You can't make that choice for him. But, you can decide to leave now, before you've invested more of your precious time and energy into a relationship that is only going downhill.

You deserve better that what he has to offer. If you had a baby with him, you'd have 2 children to take care of. He being one of them.

I think you already know all this, or you wouldn't have posted what you did. I think you are looking for validation, and I'm giving it to you.

Good Luck Dear...don't let him drag you to his level.

Des

reply to post by FissionSurplus

I think fissionsurplus has answered your question for you.

Dang. But lots of good advice so far!

Without an ultimatum, it'll hurt less now with less emotional investment than if he negates all his 2nd chances you might otherwise give him.

I just got out of a relationship with a very similar situation. The Difference is I was the one who had a bit of a drinking problem.
It wasn't as much as he drinks but i would get black out drunk atleast once a week if not two or three times, and my girlfriend was away often so she didn't have to witness it. It was still a problem and I knew it.

We are still great friends but it isn't the same, especially for me.

It took losing something so dearly to me, that I finally had a chance to look at my past few years and analyze if it was who I wanted to continue being. It was not.

I have made many changes, for the absolute better in my life in the past 8 or so weeks since it happened. The changes would not have happened if instead of leaving me, she kept threatening to leave me. That will not work, people will not believe it until it is literally happening.

I'm not sure if this will so much help but I wanted to share my recent similar experience as it hit very close to home with me.

Thank you and Good Luck!

reply to post by Myomistress


I think you have the answer you didn't want to hear but now it's up to you to act on it. You can't save everyone. When he said he is not quitting that was your sign.

You are an addict to an addict. Are you strong enough to quit?

Get out Now!! I'm married to an alcoholic . You've only invested 9 mths lucky you. I invested, marriage, kids & 12yrs before alcohol became a problem. Once I stop living in denial this probably won't end well. Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice because I can't make the right choice about my own situation. Be stronger then me, leave now.

Walk away. If you have fought about it, it means he isn't ready to change. You can't make him change either, he has to want it... otherwise he'll do it behind your back (or try to) and just end up feeling guilty which will just make him drink more. Walk away, if you can't move on... you'll still be happier alone than with an addict. It's not your fault he can't stop, people can't stop because they love someone enough to stop... they can only stop because they have made the decision to on their own. If he loves you, it may make him think about what drinking costs him, but don't hold your breath waiting for it. Walk away and try to move on.

reply to post by Myomistress


Leave him lady...you can go the "stop drinking or I'm going to leave" route but you can be with him 24-7...Five years from now this will be all but a faint memory...cut your losses...9 months is a blink on a time line