Catholic Jokes

For all ATSers full of good will and humanity

This was inspiried by the thread "Islamic Jokes," which wondered whether Muslims had a sense of humor which we could recognize. Honesty forced me to ask if Catholics were any better.

Second, Holy Cow, is this place going nuts! I understand disagreement, but look at the threads with Israel or Republicans as a subject. I, at least, can't look at such hatred and unreasonable thought without some kind of break. That's what this is.

If you don't get the joke, I'm sure it will be explained to you.

Third, I know that there are people who hate the Catholic Church. Please don't spoil this one little thread, you've got lots of other places to post. But, if you are totally without self-control, filled with hatred and anger, childish and selfish beyond words, and need this as an outlet without which you would probably beat up your wife or your pet, or neighbor, then post as you please.
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."

Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think $5000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"

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A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."

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A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"

The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"

The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"

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Ss Dominic, Francis of Assisi and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the nativity of Our Lord.

St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks "Have you given any thought to the boy's education?"

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Q: How do you get 4 nuns to curse openly?

A: Have a 5th one shout "BINGO!"

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True story: Our pastor once made the announcement on the Sunday before Christmas, "Please do not call the rectory to ask what time Midnight Mass begins."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different Orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means that they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers that evening.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God's gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence, contemplation, and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

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How do you know if you're REALLY a Catholic?

You can kneel more than 5 minutes without falling over.

Your doorbell plays "Ave Maria."

Your after-shave witch-hazel water has been blessed by a priest.

Your room air freshener is church incense.

Your computer wallpaper lists the mysteries of the Rosary and the Church's Feast Days.

People ask you the Confession times for the city parishes.

The Catholic bookstore owner gets excited when you open the door.

You know by heart all the words to "Tantum Ergo" and "O Salutaris."

You watch the rosary on EWTN.

You invite three Catholic couples over and suddenly there are fifteen kids in the house.

You secretly feel guilty because you look forward to Lenten fish fries.

You own so many statues your house looks like a church.

You genuflect before you enter a row of seats at the theatre.

You leave room on your pillow for your guardian angel.

You can still remember the answers to the Baltimore Catechism questions.

You’ve considered naming one of your kids after an early Father of the Church. (Cyprian, Athanasius, Tertullian, Eusebius, etc.)

You have been caught singing in your sleep, "There's no place like Rome, there's no place like Rome."

With respect,
Charles1952

I couldn't help myself, I had to add a few more.

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A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

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There was a Priest that was about to retire. When his replacement showed up he thought he should warn the new Priest that the Churches buildings had a rat problem that they tried for years to get rid of.

One day the retired Priest asked the new Priest how the rat problem was. He answered, oh I fixed that long ago. The retired Priest asked how? The new Priest said After I Baptised them I never saw them again.

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A priest was giving a talk before an interfaith community group. A Presbyterian pastor asked him if he were going to give a Baptist, Presbyterian, or Catholic message. Puzzled, the priest asked him what he meant. The minister replied, "the Baptist begins with 'The Bible says. . .', the Presbyterian begins with 'Well, I think that . . .', and the Catholic message begins 'the Church has always held that . .'" The priest responded that he would indeed give a Catholic message.

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An Athiest was walking through the woods when he was attacked by a bear. The bear was on top of him and just about to swipe him with a claw when the Athiest asked God for help. The woods became still and the bear froze. Then he heard a voice say "You deny me your whole life and now you ask for my help?" The Athiest said "well at least make this bear a Catholic ok?" The voice answerd "Done"

Time started again. The bear sat back, looked at the man, then made the sign of the cross and started saying "Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts...."

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Fundamentalist woman to Catholic friend: "Why do you Catholics worship statues?"

Catholic: "Oh, we don't worship statues anymore. Now we worship banners."

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A priest who lived a pretty decent life on earth, was dismayed to find himself in Purgatory shackled to an ugly old hag. Then he spotted his former bishop nearby chained to a supermodel.

The priest shouted for St Peter and began to complain.

"It's none of your business," snapped St Peter. "You get on with your penance and let her get on with hers!"

Great jokes. I really enjoyed them. Got anymore?

reply to post by DarthMuerte

Dear DarthMuerte,

I'm glad you're enjoying them. Since you asked, these are for you. We won't let anyone else read them.

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What's the best thing about working in the Vatican?
No office collections for weddings or baby showers.

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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

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A group of Jesuit novices were living together one summer working on various service projects. They adopted a stray cat (or, more precisely, a cat adopted them.) If they had been Franciscan novices, they would have loved the cat as their own and called him Brother Cat. Since they were Jesuit novices, they loved the cat as one of their own and called him F***face.

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AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H20LY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates being greeted by Peter. Peter informs the man that he can have one wish granted as he enters heaven. The man says his wish is to ask the Virgin Mary one question. Peter looks a little stunned but says that it is an easy wish to fulfill.

He takes the man to Mary and explains what the man wants. Mary says that she is honored to grant the man his wish and asks what is his question. The man says that in all the images he has seen of Mary, the paintings, sculptures, frescos and carvings she always looks so sad. His question is whydoes she look so sad.

Mary looks around to see if anyone else is listening and then leans over and whispers in the man's ear. "Well to tell you the truth I really wanted a girl."

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Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

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With respect,
Charles1952

When nuns die if they want to become an angel they dont goto the pearly gates, they are directed to a special gate.
On this particular day there was very long line of nuns waiting at the special gate. At the head of the line stood sister Mary.
Saint peter told sister Mary she must be clean if she wants to become an angel and asked her if she'd ever touched a penis. A littl embarrassed she replied, "well, I did once touch one, but only with the very tip of my finger". Saint Peter told Mary to dip the tip of her finger in the bowl of holy water and pass through the gate.

The next nun approached Saint Peter and he asked her if she'd ever touched a penis. she replied "I did once hold one, but only for a little while". He told her she must dip her entire hand into the holy water and pass through the gate.
Suddenely there was a commotion and sister Agness forced her way to the front. Saint peter asked her why she was in such a hurry. Sister agness replied "Well. if I've got to gargle that stuff I want to do it before sister Josephine sticks her arse in it"

reply to post by charles1952


Best thread EVER!

I'm a Catholic and I'm loving it.





and for those who don't speak catlick...

reply to post by FortAnthem

Dear FortAnthem,

While this isn't strictly speaking a joke, your picture of our German Shepard forced me to post this:

1. Blessing of the Beer in Latin

V. Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Domini.
R. Qui fecit caelum et terram.V. Dominus vobiscum.
R. Et cum spiritu tuo.

Oremus.

Benedic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisiae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi, et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti; ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corpus et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen.

2. Blessing of the Beer in English

V. Our help is in the name of the Lord.
R. Who made heaven and earth.

V. The Lord be with you.
R. And with thy spirit.

Let us pray.

Bless, + O Lord, this creature beer, which thou hast deigned to produce from the fat of grain: that it may be a salutary remedy to the human race, and grant through the invocation of thy holy name; that, whoever shall drink it, may gain health in body and peace in soul. Through Christ our Lord.

R. Amen.

And it is sprinkled with holy water.

Laughing, drinking, praising God, resting safely on Peter's Ship, what's not to like?

With respect,
Charles1952

P.s. In my limited experience, I've found a few beers you have to exorcize before you can bless them. Hardly worth the trouble.

Here are two more for you, Charles, from a fellow Catholic.

A man got on a plane, and sat down next to a priest. After take-off, the priest turned to the man, and seeing that he looked very sad, asked him what was bothering him. The man confided that he and his wife had been trying to have a baby for years, with no success. The priest said that he was going to his church , and when he got there, he would light a candle for the couple. Ten years past, and luck have it, the man got on a plane, and saw the same priest. He sat down next to the priest again, and the priest asked him how the last ten years had been. The man said that they had ten children . The priest replied "How wonderful", at which point the man said to the priest "I have one question, father, could you please tell me exactly where you lit that candle ten years ago.The priest asked him why he wanted to know. The man replied " I want to go there and blow that damn candle out".

A Jewish couple had a son that was a terror in school. After numerous talks with the school principal, the principal told the parents that they could no longer control him at all, and threw him out.
The couple then enrolled their son in a very expensive Hebrew school . Again, after several weeks, the rabbi at the school told the parents that he could no longer let their son stay in school because he was such a terror.
The parents, in desperation, enrolled him in a Catholic school. Several months passed, and the parents, not having heard from the school, went to meet with the principal, a nun. They asked her how their son was doing. She replied that he was the most respectful, wonderful student in the entire school.
That afternoon, when the son came home, the parents sat down with him. "Son", they began, "Prior to this school, your behavior was horrendous, but now we find out that in Catholic school, your behavior has been exemplary. Why the sudden change?". The son replied " When I sat down in class the first day, I looked up at the wall, and saw that guy that they crucified, and I knew then that they meant business."