Headlines. I don't know what else to say. Please add yours. (Everybody likes it so far.)

Every now and then I find a headline that just stands out for humor, insanity, or incomprehensibility. Thought I'd share. I hope you find one you like. These are real headlines from real news outlets. Please add yours.

No evidence of mermaids, says US government

www.bbc.co.uk...

New Trend: Gyms Banning Slim Clients To Foster Comfort For Overweight Patrons

(Please don't ask me to protest about discrimination against the slim.)
sacramento.cbslocal.com...

Michigan officials fight drunk driving with talking urinal cakes

(Wouldn't a talking urinal cake get you to start drinking?) www.detroitnews.com...

Americans favor Obama to defend against space aliens: poll

ca.news.yahoo.com...

1 in 10 Brits think David Cameron could be an alien

(Obama to defend against invading David Cameron.)
blog.foreignpolicy.com...

Severed head thought to belong Canadian 'cannibal' porn star's butchered gay lover found in park

(I had to read it four times before the words started making sense. Then I wished I hadn't.)
www.dailymail.co.uk...

Police: 5 suspected of stealing 9.5 tons of garlic

(It's OK, I don't think we'll be needing the Canine unit on this one.)
www.miamiherald.com...=cpy

Japan police probe man who cooked own genitals

(You'd think he'd suffered enough.)
ca.news.yahoo.com...

An Anomaly in Mating: Self-Castration Raises Reproductive Success

(Now i know why that Japanese guy did it, but still, it seems a little drastic. Don't they have Viagra?)
www.nytimes.com...

City Controller John Liu slapped with a whopping $527k fine for illegally posting political signs during his 2009 campaign

(Half a million for posting campaign signs?)
www.nydailynews.com... za1JhqPp

Psst: asparagus pee. Are you in the club?

(I do NOT want to know what the initiation ceremony is.)
bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com...

Man arrested, accused in frozen chicken feet scheme

www.wdsu.com...< br />

Scientists Gain Understanding of Self-Cleaning Gecko Foot Hair

www.sciencedaily.com...

Why Haven’t Bald Men Gone Extinct?

(My guess is that they're so attractive to women that the gene gets passed down.)
gizmodo.com...

Octopus hitches ride on dolphin's genitals

www.cbsnews.com...

The drunken stripper from the Golden Banana, a coven of Salem witches and the 'groping' man horrifically impaled when she crashed into a flatbed truck

(Sure, that's sad and all, but what was the party before that like? Wish I'd seen it.)
www.dailymail.co.uk...

Woot? Woof? Whoot? Whoomp?

(Remember when Journalists asked Who? What? When? Where? Why?)
www.slate.com...

Thank you for the laughs. I am glad (and so is my computer) I did not have water in my mouth reading some of these...

Scientists Plan Mission To Probe Uranus

Source

Thanks for the laughs. S&F

These sound like they should be on FARK They run headlines like this...

1 in 10 Brits think David Cameron could be an alien

In other news 1 in 10 brits are mentally handicapped.

Children's book club selection of the week goes to #1 on best seller list at Walmart (photo)

The Night Dad Went to Jail-What to expect when someone you love goes to jail..a childrens book

Thank you very much for your contributions. This one may be my favorite of recent times. Remember Anthony Wiener, the Democrat who had to leave Congress in disgrace? Well, in the special election to replace him Gay Marriage became an issue which threatened to turn his district Republican, leading to this:

Will Gay Marriage Turn Anthony Weiner’s Seat Red?

www.nationalreview.com...
Sometimes, life is simply beautiful.

With respect,
Charles1952

Originally posted by PutAQuarterIn

Scientists Plan Mission To Probe Uranus

Source

Thanks for the laughs. S&F

Omg this one cracked me up

reply to post by Neopan100

Dear Neopan100,

Thanks for your link to Fark. That's good stuff and I had forgotten about it. But I decided to stay pure in the OP and use only the headlines as they appeared in the original article. I'm a headline prude, I guess.

With respect,
Charles1952

Here's yet another, and yes that's exactly what is happening.

Woman who married warehouse is now engaged to neighborhood.

blog.seattlepi.com...