I'm New_Here, just not new here.

I'm dropping out of the Short Story contest. It's somehow disrespectful to his memory to try to win from the loss. Hard to explain, but it's weighing heavy on my soul. So, Mods-- please don't count me in the contest. I'll post it here instead. It's time I introduced myself, and this is the best way to say who I am...

It’s a shame how it takes a tragic slap-in-the-face to wake us from our sheltered dreams of life. We travel through life with an umbrella, and while life falls in torrents we hide until, like a bolt of lightning, something happens to make us understand. I know now not to judge a person on the outside, but to look deep into the heart, where the true person really lies. For him I learned too late, for it was with the permanent closing of his eyes, that mine were opened for the first time, to see him, the real him, as well as everyone and everything else, as if the sun had risen for the first time.

Daddy was a smart man - smarter than I’ll ever be. I cannot remember asking him a question that went unanswered long. If he didn’t know the answer- which seemed rare- he knew how to find it. And if a math problem could be solved, he could solve it. I’m quite sure he could have been a mathematician.

Or a comedian! I once spewed vanilla ice cream across a restaurant booth all over his navy blue suit coat, when his punch line and my spoon enjoyed a split-second moment of synchronicity. Good thing it was after church. At times like that, tears streaming down my face, I was sure he should have been a comedian.

He had a love and a talent for music. He played the guitar, clarinet, and saxophone just for the fun of it. Such eclectic taste he had— from Chet Atkins to Otis Redding to The Beatles. I still find myself humming tunes I grew up hearing day after day, though never tiring of. Times like that, I was sure he should have been a musician.

Daddy was the one I came to with the splinters and loose teeth because they were more than Mom and a little Bactine could handle. Or I wanted them to be. No doubt he missed his calling as a physician.

But alcoholism is a disease that captures the mind and offers no escape. It imprisons its victims eventually mentally and physically them. Daddy was no exception. His binges made it so that I never knew if the person coming down the stairs would be “Daddy” or “Not.” I lived in fear of the red-faced angry, hate-spewing “Not-Daddy” who never laid a hand on me, though I wish he had-- that is a pain I would have understood.

The flow of alcohol through time bled away my faith and devotion to my father, and in those tumultuous teenage years, I turned my back on him. Slammed the door of my heart right in his face, at a time when I'm sure he needed love and support more than ever.

We were all downstairs, my Mom and my sisters and I, when we heard the noise upstairs --a noise that could have been most anything. But we knew instantly the sound of death. The rest of the night is rather vague. The sirens, the lights, the tears, the fear—all centered around a man lying on the floor, his lungs gasping for air. Those fruitless, frightening, snoring sounds still haunt me to this day.

I remember walking through the automatic doors into the emergency room. It was abruptly antiseptic and bright. The doctor walked out of a room. His eyes spoke before he said a word. Daddy died and there was no way to save him. A blockage so severe, his heart literally exploded into a million lifeless fragments inside his body. Lying right there on the bathroom floor with no heart, and trying desperately to breathe.

I walked outside the hospital, away from the blinding lights and crying hugs. The July night was warm, but the chill of death was more dominant. I wanted so badly to cry, but the tears just wouldn’t come. Perhaps they just wouldn’t have done my feelings justice. I looked up into the vast, starlit sky. Somewhere in time a little girl sits on her Daddy’s knee, and throws her curly head back in a giggle epidemic. What happened to those times? Where did it all go wrong? “Did you know I loved you, Daddy?” I asked the starry night. “Did you know that?”

Then came the tears. They burst forth from my cloudy soul, in a great heaving downpour. But not that a man had died, but that I had let him slip away without giving him the love and respect he needed and deserved. The truth struck like a bolt of lightning; and tears, like rain flooded. In cleansing paths they streamed down my cheeks and into the night. Gone forever.

But my Daddy will live on forever-- within the hearts and minds of those who believe in him. I am one of those.

Welcome...

Poignant and moving...
Welcome

Akushla

((((New_Here))))

I never knew my Father. I only had vague fantasies of what he would be like, if I had. I know he has passed, because of my own age. I talk to his Spirit now. He is a loving Father, in my mind.

Thank You for writing your feelings about your Father. It touched me in soft, and caring ways. It helped me resolve some unearthed feelings about my own Father.

Bright Blessings,

Des

Originally posted by akushla99
Welcome...

Poignant and moving...
Welcome

Akushla

Thank you. For both the comments, and the welcome.

Originally posted by Destinyone
((((New_Here))))

I never knew my Father. I only had vague fantasies of what he would be like, if I had. I know he has passed, because of my own age. I talk to his Spirit now. He is a loving Father, in my mind.

Thank You for writing your feelings about your Father. It touched me in soft, and caring ways. It helped me resolve some unearthed feelings about my own Father.

Bright Blessings,

Des

I am glad it meant something to you, what I wrote. I first wrote it in high school, a few months after he died. I wrote a revised version later in college for English Comp. I hadn't thought of it in years, we've moved several times, and I can't lay my hands on it. I just started writing what I remembered and the words came flowing back like listening to an album and remembering every nuance of the music. Funny how the mind works, isn't it?

Funny how the mind works, isn't it?

Yes, it is. But yours is also quite beautiful. I read this, this morning, and choked back every one of your tears.

I'm glad you finally made it to the Shed. I think you'll find your Dad lurking there between the lines.


CF

a reply to: new_here

Hi hunny...well that was beautifully written but heart-wrenching.

At least you have some truly lovely memories of your father...some of us don't even have that.

You don't need to feel guilt, you were the child...there is no way you could have helped him...sadly we cannot "love somebody better". He was likely a kind soul who saw/felt too much pain, and used alcohol to numb it.
Many good people are numbing emotional pain. It's tragic indeed.

My own father was abusive, and we were estranged for most of my adult life. An old family friend hunted me down and told me he was in the hospital. I decided to 'be there' for him, and was actually sitting alone with him in his nursing home room when he took his last breath. (I had never seen somebody die before)

Although we were not close, his death caused me to spiral into a deep depression for a few years. I was an only child, my mother was gone...he really was my last living family member, apart from my kids. I had no idea that I would be so affected by his passing.

Whatever happened in your father's life, to turn him towards alcohol...it was not your fault. Remember the smart/funny/talented man that he was when you were young...life and it's problems can wear the best of us down.

Thank you for sharing such a private and painful story. I'm sure he would be ridiculously proud of how wonderful you are...and from what I've seen...also talented/smart/funny. The most traumatic times of my life have taught me the most important lessons.
Much love,
jacy

originally posted by: ClownFish

Funny how the mind works, isn't it?

Yes, it is. But yours is also quite beautiful. I read this, this morning, and choked back every one of your tears.

I'm glad you finally made it to the Shed. I think you'll find your Dad lurking there between the lines.

CF

Thank you, ClownFish! That means a lot! Wow, I posted that a long time ago. However did you find it?! I'm glad it touched you.

originally posted by: jacygirl
a reply to: new_here

Hi hunny...well that was beautifully written but heart-wrenching.

At least you have some truly lovely memories of your father...some of us don't even have that.

You don't need to feel guilt, you were the child...there is no way you could have helped him...sadly we cannot "love somebody better". He was likely a kind soul who saw/felt too much pain, and used alcohol to numb it.
Many good people are numbing emotional pain. It's tragic indeed.

My own father was abusive, and we were estranged for most of my adult life. An old family friend hunted me down and told me he was in the hospital. I decided to 'be there' for him, and was actually sitting alone with him in his nursing home room when he took his last breath. (I had never seen somebody die before)

Although we were not close, his death caused me to spiral into a deep depression for a few years. I was an only child, my mother was gone...he really was my last living family member, apart from my kids. I had no idea that I would be so affected by his passing.

Whatever happened in your father's life, to turn him towards alcohol...it was not your fault. Remember the smart/funny/talented man that he was when you were young...life and it's problems can wear the best of us down.

Thank you for sharing such a private and painful story. I'm sure he would be ridiculously proud of how wonderful you are...and from what I've seen...also talented/smart/funny. The most traumatic times of my life have taught me the most important lessons.
Much love,
jacy

Jacy, thank you for such words of warmth and kindness. Writing that when I did (way back in high school, less than a year after he died) was so therapeutic for me. Writing does that for me, and art. I think it reaches deep in our subconscious, beneath layers of buried/hidden pain, and exposes it for the wound to close properly.

That is a touching but sad story of you and your dad. I feel like ultimately, you are glad you were there at the end, even though it opened up some painful feelings that you had to deal with for a few years. I'm sure you are a better person for it!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

a reply to: new_here

My grandfather would ask, "Do you want a flattering answer or an honest one?"

To be honest, your name threw me. There was nothing about your style that said you were new and someone had been recently stalking Jacy. I just had a paranoid moment and wanted to watch her back behind the scenes. That's the honest answer.

To be honest, I like what I have seen thus far, and I have learned how to click on the name and follow the link to their "page" and then I have learned to go down to the bottom to find the oldest post, or most likely the intro, if there is one. I did that, and came to this, and every question I had was happily answered.

And, to be honest, I am relatively new, even though it doesn't feel that way anymore. I had accidentally come across a beautiful post by Epirus, www.abovetopsecret.com... , and I had replied to it, when I was "truly new here." He was so kind to me and got me through some rough spots (in ways that has me questioning the mysterious link between our souls more often than is prudent to admit!) and so, when ever I come across something beautiful, I will "reply" to it, sort of with a hidden agenda to get them up on the boards, for the slim chance that other people will take notice and appreciate them as I do.

So, choices, choices...take your pick...they are all true, as I try to be.

CF

a reply to: ClownFish

Ok, that makes sense! To be fair, when I created my username way back when, I WAS new here, LoL!

Sorry to hear about slalking! I'll watch her back, too. She's 'good people!'

a reply to: new_here

Cool. We can be silent partners in crime prevention...which might actually be a crime!...hmmm.

Where's my grandfather when I need him? He was quite a crusty fellow and a mystery man.

Anyway, smile...

CF

a reply to: new_here

Oh my how moving!

You haven't just tugged at my heartstrings, you've tied them in knots.

So much honest and raw emotion, so vivid. I hung on every word and was powerless to

turn away even as the sting of personal painful memories came rushing in.

Thank you for sharing and I hope the little girl finds peace.

originally posted by: TNMockingbird
a reply to: new_here

Oh my how moving!

You haven't just tugged at my heartstrings, you've tied them in knots.

So much honest and raw emotion, so vivid. I hung on every word and was powerless to

turn away even as the sting of personal painful memories came rushing in.

Thank you for sharing and I hope the little girl finds peace.

Thank you so much! The little girl found peace indeed, in the writing of it.

originally posted by: ClownFish
a reply to: new_here


To be honest, your name threw me. There was nothing about your style that said you were new and someone had been recently stalking Jacy. I just had a paranoid moment and wanted to watch her back behind the scenes. That's the honest answer.

Oh wow ClownFish...thank you!!!

Yes, I've had a stalker (or 2) for a few months now and it has upset me a lot. Usually shows up as a new member with no posts...in threads I regularly visit, or mentioning my name in the Shed (or other threads).
I really appreciate you watching out for me...that just means SO much!!

Chirp (TNMockingbird) has also 'got my back' as do the few others who know.
I'm really grateful, and likely wouldn't have come back here if I didn't have wonderful friends who care.
I just want to thank you.

new_here...you are not new to me, lol. I have seen you on the boards in the past and am happy that you've joined us in Shed-land. It's truly a magical place, but only because of the 'family' that dwells there.
Love and gratitude,
jacy xoxo

a reply to: jacygirl

You got it sista!



mwah!!!