Saddam's newest weapons ...

Saddam's newest (and very effective) weapons now defending Baghdad!
Urgent dispatch from the Coalition Ongoing Maintenance & Endurance Distribution of Intelligence And Non-Defiance (COMEDIAN):

Saddam's Fedayeen Army Regiment Troops (FARTs) have been discovered in various locations around Baghdad, clearly in a last-ditch attempt to defend the Iraqi capital from coalition occupation. It would seem that Saddam is now using his FARTs, which are apparently his last line of defense, to fend off coalition troops and armor. Saddam's FARTs cannot defend against air attacks, however, since his FARTs tend to linger close to the ground, and have little or no effectiveness above 500 feet.

Be aware, however, that Saddam's FARTs can be quite dangerous and should be approached with extreme caution. They can most often be discovered not by sight (as they tend to be invisible), but rather by smell. The odor of a FART can usually be detected up to half-a-mile away. Special sensors to detect the presence of Saddam's FARTs are under development, with several prototypes already having been distributed to coalition field units. The success of these "FART detectors" has not yet been determined, but let's hope they will help to protect against any coalition soldiers dying from exposure to one or more of Saddam"s FARTs.

If one of Saddam's FARTs is left unattended for too long, it may become a Transient Urban Regimental Division (TURD). Little is known about Saddam's TURDs, but it is suspected that they effectively employ a much feared "weapon of mass destruction" by utilizing a particularly nasty biological agent. Though Saddam's FARTs are clearly dangerous, his TURDs are even more deadly, and if any coalition members come into contact with one of Saddam's TURDs, they will require immediate evacuation and thorough decontamination to prevent the TURD from affecting other members of the associated coalition unit.

While FARTs tend to disperse throughout a given area of operation with limited accuracy, TURDs have proven to be more portable, and can be specifically deployed at high speed towards an unsuspecting coalition unit. There may even be airborne TURDs which could be used to attack coalition aircraft.

The rule for any coalition member is: If you see a TURD coming towards you, run away as fast as possible, take a position of cover, and then see where the TURD stops to determine the best course of action in dealing with it. The same rule applies if you detect a FART in your immediate vicinity.

Further information will be released about Saddam's FARTs and TURDs as it becomes available. In the meantime, it is recommended that all coalition forces maintain vigilence in protecting themselves from these most offensive weapons of the current Iraqi regime.