Friends with Benefits

reply to post by Partygirl


Not anytime soon. Which does beg the question, why do I want to get seriously involved if I don't want kids and a family.

You may have just solved my dilemma. Either that, or I was correct in assuming I would find the answer at the bottom of a (13) bottle(s) of beer. HUMMMM

reply to post by James1982


youre just looking for love,trust me bro you are better off without it.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman

Originally posted by theRhenn

Nooooooo! Dont do dating sites. Most of the ladies there lie about their sizes and most of them do face shots where you'll never know untill you meet them. THEN they expect you to hang around after hiding who they really were this whole time. I admit, I may not be the best lookin stud in the world, but hey, 90% of those honies just dont/will never do it for me. Everyone hides behind a glam shot or some odd ball picture and it makes you feel like the bad guy when you dont speak to them again. After all, it is they who are hidden behind false pictures.

Thats not necesarily true. While I wont argue with the fact that it does happen, usually its best to actually meet the person a few times before you actually end up in a relationship with them. So what if they lie about their weight...if they do, then you wouldnt want to be in relationship with them anyway, as trust is the key.

All Im saying is that Ive had success, and seeing as the OP has nothing to lose, then whats the harm in trying?

It's not a bad idea, per say. I'm really only saying that you have to go through alot of monkeys before you find what you're looking for at the bottom of the barrel (only one pun meant out of that)

The problem is, you have to go through all these people that missrepresent themselves. I've had a gal litteraly tote me around on the "email leash" for months. I was a nice guy, I figured, as she said, she's just shy. What I found to be the truth of the matter, she told me that she felt that doing this would get me past appearances. I'm sorry, it just doesnt work that way. I'm not shallow. I feel that there are some sexy big women out there. Though for me, that would be extreemly seldom. So maybe I'm a lil shallow, but I do feel that since I keep myself fit, I would like to see people at least have the same respect for themselves. I know that's like saying, just because I'm fit, everyone should be. But.. It's as though dating sites have been infultrated.. but then, I guess it kinda goes with the territory. Self confedent people dont usually have to look through sites to get a date, but even though I'm self confedent, I am lazy and I enjoy the ease of such tools. But after seeing behind the glass, getting duped to take some chick out that I would have never consented to in the first place had she told the truth, It's really sad. So, it's as though I'm being forced to be the bad guy in this sense. Do I make them pay for their meal? Do I try to be the nice guy and act like a friend for a few weeks as I push away each day with more excuses... Or do I say.. Sorry girl.. You shoulda said you was 350lbs fat! Hey, there is someone for everyone. I just wish the hidding and the lies would come up front so I dont have to keep spending my money on someone elses enjoyment because they have to hide behind lies to get what they want when in the end, they'll only get hurt more. If the real them is out in the open as I display myself (this goes for more than just weight, looks and ideals), then we'd be saving alot of time to search for that true partner.

I'm quite sure women can say just as much about men. But pay no mind to the man behind the curtan. He's thrown off daft tonight

reply to post by James1982


Um, dude....... -.-.................... SEND THOSE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS MY WAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

OK, so here is the bad part.

We've continued messing around, and now she is acting quite strange. Almost as if he is becoming distant, like she is uncomfortable with the fact that we have screwed around several times.

THIS is what I was afraid of. I valued her as a friend, and I didn't want to loose her as that. I would have preferred just to keep her as a regular friend, than to mess around for awhile, and then have her feel uncomfortable around me because we've screwed around.

I pretty much figured this would happen, yet I went with it anyways. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see how this plays out.

reply to post by James1982


I don't have anything to do at the moment, its late on this side of the globe and I'm feeling "extrospective" (like "introspective," but about other people rather than myself, har-har). So I will turn my attention to your case in some detail, even though I know only what you have written in this thread. Why not? Take it for what its worth...remember, you get what you pay for, and this is free, contextless advice. From what you have written I think you are younger than me, but if not, forgive my tone if if comes across as slightly condescending.

Basically, it sounds like this situation is stressing you out. Maybe friends-with-benefits is not the way you want to go with this one. Maybe you need to clarify your relationship and decide for yourself whether its either a friendship or something more. There are times when it is possible to roll with a friends-with-benefits scenario very easily, very smoothly and naturally, and both partners have a great (if somewhat shallow) time. Doesn't sound like this is one of those cases.

You mentioned she was acting "strange" in your last post and you speak of the situation very fatalistically ("I pretty much figured this would happen"), rather than as something you can take into your own hands and control. I may be reading too much into things, but my hunch is that a lack of decisiveness may be one of your biggest problems here. Her "strangeness" may be all kinds of things, but a lot of it could be frustration because she feels you are too passive or fatalistic about the situation, and she feels unfairly burdened by having to make the heavy decisions. Or am I way off base?

Some people will tell you true friendship between a man and a woman is impossible because the romantic element is always there. I don't think this is true. It is perfectly possible for a man to be platonic, non-sexual friends -- extremely good and close friends, even -- with a woman. But here's the thing: You, as a man, have to make a concrete decision within yourself about what you want from any given woman. You don't necessarily have to say anything out loud about it (in fact, you probably shouldn't, in most cases), but you have to decide firmly for yourself whether every woman you meet is a friend or a potential lover. Preferably before you start fooling around with her.

Too late for that with this one, but not too late to apply the same principles as damage control. My intuition is that you will be happier if you first come to a decision for yourself about what you really want, and then act resolutely. After you are comfortable with your decision, set aside a quiet time when she's not distracted, and talk openly and honestly with her about the way you see things. Of course, listen to her and respect her opinions...but only after you have a firm idea to bring to the table. You don't have to be 100% certain, and you can modify your position based on what she says, but you must have some kind of provisional idea of what you want before you begin talking. Not what she wants, not what you think you should want -- What you want.

Why do I say this? Because it is one of the great politically incorrect truths that on a visceral, subconscious level, women do not respect men who are indecisive and lack a certain, specific form of confidence. You can dress it up any way you like, but in my experience that's a near-universal truth. A lot of guys, when they stumble upon this earth-shaking revelation, think that it means means that a man should be a "jerk," or cold/distant, or somehow treat women in a less-than-gentlemanly manner to attract and keep them. Not true, not true at all. We can -- and must -- be exactly who we are, treat women with respect, and love as fully, tenderly, and sensitively as possible. But the key is you have to find a way to project a certain form of calm confidence.

It's a hard thing to define. When it's there, nobody even notices because it just feels right, but when its missing the relationship is always a disaster. It's something society doesn't teach anymore: actually, culture actively denegrates this form of quiet masculine confidence.Turn off your TV, if you haven't already, and for heaven's sake don't listen to what any academics have to say about the way a man "should be." These systems are deeply dysfunctional and are creating great havoc in society. They are broken for a reason: becaue it's always easier for the TBTB to control passive, confused, and servile men than free, natural, confident men. But that's another topic. Anyway, if you are a man, you posess this quiet masculine confidence automatically as your birthright, its not a thing you have to "develop" like learning a skill or something. It's part of who you are. We all just have to clear away the fears and the destructive social programming that exist to make us forget who we really are. One thing it certainly isn't: Passively-aggressively letting a complictaed situation slide and dumping the entire thing in her lap to sort out, forcing her to make the hard decision you don't want to make for yourself. Not saying this is you, of course, but its something I come across all the time, moreso these days than ever.

Anyway, look at my mouth run, got to rambling on there a bit, and somehow slipped from the specific to the general...I hope at least some of this applies and is of interest. Bottom line: Seems like friends-with-benefits isn't working out with this case. Make a strong decision about which you want more from her: Friendship or benefits. After you have this sorted out within yourself, have an honest discussion about how you feel, and then see what she says. My hunch is this will clear the air for both of you.