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Anyone ever feel they are walking a path which cant possibly be changed?

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posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 06:02 AM
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First off, this is my first post on ATS but I have been following threads here for about a year. So, hello everyone!

I used to think I had complete control over my life and could even end it as I saw fit, if ever came the need. I was never a religious child and couldn't fathom how anyone, God or otherwise, could have any more influence over my life than myself. If I so chose to simply step off a mountain so be it

You might wonder why a child would even see a need for such things but I was brought into the world physically different and Ive always gathered a mental difference from the "average" person accompanied that. I was born with one arm. That has never fully hindered me in my life but I have always felt a sense of pain or awareness of suffering in the world from day one. I remember being as young as three or four years old and crying just looking at people because I could feel their pain. So I guess you might say I felt my arm, or lack there of rather, was a homing beacon for pain. Due to this, I could always see a reason or even need for people ending their own lives. Mind you, I felt this way before I ever had any life experience that would make life seem even remotely unlivable.

Stepping ahead years into my life, I did begin to have situations which would always leave me staring into the barrel of a gun so to speak. My first girlfriend at the age of only 14 years old died of cancer. The very same year my father was diagnosed with cancer as well and passed away within one month. Then only two months later, I lost my grandmother. This was nearly too much for me to bear. I felt that either there was no God, or if there was then certainly he would understand my pain and need to move on from this life. Suicide was always on my mind and even seemed empowering that I could end my own suffering. But could I? I knew I would try to kill myself and at the same time seemed to KNOW I could never succeed. I took every recipe of homemade suicide you could imagine. Three times in just one year, I woke up in my own vomit, still alive. This is when I first realized that quite possibly I could not end my own life, and there was something else guiding me. Even the urges of attempt suicide just seemed like lessons being forced upon me rather than my own chosen path.

Due to this realization I began to more easily accept things and not fight against my urges and obsessions. After all, those urges seemed to me as though they were meant to be followed. At around 17 I began literally roaming streets at night on foot, wandering into seemingly dangerous situations. I still cannot say why. But I saw things and met people that seemed planted there just for me. The more suffering I saw, read about, felt.... I began to get more and more physically ill. I literally would pass out walking down stairs, driving(twice), and was in a hospital more than I was out of one. I started feeling like I would never even get married because noone could ever love someone so sickly, what would be the point. Nevertheless I did indeed get married a few years later. I knew it would not last but felt again that this was my path. However short lived it would be, there was something to be learned or completed. My wife was always depressed and alone her entire life. With me being so sickly, I think I gave her someone to pour herself into. We were only married four months because I suddenly became better and knew that right then I had to move on. We had healed each other. It was another entry in my story of which I seemingly was no longer the author.

I am now 29 and have experienced such things as being shot, losing my fiancee at the hands of a murderer and rapist, and advanced alcoholism and depression as a result. With all that said, I still maintain it is all for a reason just beyond my full understanding, and also completely out of my own control. Pain seems to be the catalyst for change. Maybe our world needs to be in pain




posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 06:06 AM
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Originally posted by UsedRugs
Anyone ever feel they are walking a path which cant possibly be changed?

Some parts definately. Other parts, I can change.

If I want to change some things it's impossible. I've tried. 'Someone else' has other plans and you can't argue with them. But then in some other areas (those that don't matter to the big plan, I guess) I CAN change what is going on.

It's interesting to watch. Frustrating as well.



posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 06:09 AM
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I ran out of space above, but I would like to know if anyone else feels this way. I literally have become to swear by the fact that pain is absolutely necessary and written into our path to bring people together at just the right times. I think the world is in so much turmoil now because we all our going to eventually have to feel the same suffering together to unite and progress. Their truly could be a new dawn of man upon us soon, but I know that precursor to that could be complete chaos and world suffering. But once we all truly suffer the same, all other boundaries that separate us and hold us back will disappear. Material things will hold no value and their will one day be an overwhelming peace for us all.



posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 06:16 AM
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reply to post by FlyersFan
 


I am right with you when you say there are certain things "someone else" has other plans. After the murder of my fiancee I fell into complete ruin. I drank to the state of teetering on the brink of death for three years straight. Any attempts I made to change at this point were completely futile. It was a chapter in my life I had to simply live out. Not until recently, honestly really two weeks ago, did I emerge and suddenly have no urge to drink. Was even disgusted by the taste, and so ended that chapter of my life. There is nothing I can put my finger on to explain the sudden change. That is really what prompted me to write this thread.



posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 08:06 AM
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In my book you had way too much to digest. I do not believe in secret reasons and so on, but I do believe in learning and learning fast. In understanding who is bad news and needs to be kept as far as possible away and who is worth your time and trust. I am living like this and it suits me well. Furthermore, I only trust myself and I trust others to be always looking out for nr 1. which is themselves. Call it cynical, call it what you want I am past the calling game and there is just one game: to protect myself.

Having said this, yes there are criminals out there that make victims and either you are one (or related in some way) or you are not. You have been a victim too when your fiancee was murdered (and raped). Not willing to go to deep, I can partly sympathize out of experience. I have no idea how you coped or are coping, but I hope you will.

I find that it is up to everybody him or herself to decide whether to call it quits. That is a totally personal choice, though other people near should be taken into consideration as well.

According to what one has experienced one feels whether he has any influence over his life yes or no. I don't think one has control over the big things in life: life and death. But that is ok, as long as one is happy with being in control over the much smaller things.

I hope you will find happiness soon assuming that right now you are not.



posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 08:17 AM
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Thank you for the wishes for happiness. I experience in small doses here and there but always wonder if Im meant to be happy. There is a balance to all things, so maybe Im just stuck on the unfortunate side for some unfortunate reason. I do take pleasure in the happiness of others I care about though, and that has been enough to keep me alive. And I am sorry for what may have happened to you, without going deeper.



posted on Jan, 12 2009 @ 06:42 PM
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Originally posted by UsedRugs
At around 17 I began literally roaming streets at night on foot, wandering into seemingly dangerous situations. I still cannot say why. But I saw things and met people that seemed planted there just for me.


I can relate to that. I did that in college and it was an enlightening experience.

Its is very odd. I remember at a certain time in my life I already knew what was going to happen, but didnt believe it. I knew that my life was about to get really bad and I was going to go through some sort of major struggle in the near future. Thats exactly what happened and a learned so much from the experience. Now I feel as though I will be put through the same sort of tests, but will not be defeated by them. Soon I will go through another drastic change, but this time I feel as though it will lead to something good. A better life perhaps. Maybe Ill finally find that something Ive been looking for.





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