How To Help Someone....

Interesting situation.

I'm in a twice a week poker game. Theres this guy who plays, his name is Joe. He's about 23-24 years old. Joe has a girlfriend who is 19, shes tiny, but cute.

Joe is way too jealous over her. There have been several occasions where she comes into the game, sits with him for a while observing, but then will go to the restroom or to get something to eat etc. It's 50 questions when she returns to him.

Where were you, why did you do that, who was there, who did you talk to, what took so long... etc.

Last week at cards, she came in and it was apparent that she had been crying. This also wasn't the first time she has appeared this way.
Just so happens that according to her, she was wrestling with her sister and another girlfriend and there was a bruise on her shoulder. It looked like a "bite mark" or "hickey". She was so affraid to tell joe about it, because she thought he would think she was messing around. I don't remember how the story was being told, exactly who she was talking to, but my wife was there and interjected that no woman should be affraid of thier "significant other".

Previously, a few months back they were arguing and I told Joe, hey, lighten up, you need to treat her better, women are precious and as men, if we love them, we should place them on a pedestal and praise them and take care of them. He laughed at me and told me I was nuts. Of course I received praise from all the other ladies there.. LoL.

Later during the night in question here... she had started to go get something or the other and he quickly snapped, no, just stay here you don't need to leave the table and go out talking to people. Well that was it, she started crying agian and he quickly started trying to lose all of his chips so that he could get out of the game. In the mean time, she walked to the other side of the room and was standing by herself. My wife walked over and was talking to her.

She told her - no woman has to put up with jealousy and being treated that way and be made to cry so much. She told the girl, just use your head and decide whats best for you, we don't know, but if he ever lays a hand on you, run and get away from him. If you need or want to talk, just let us know. Well the girl just stood there and then slowly walked away. My wife told me later that she had this discussion with her and I said I thought it was a good idea and hopefully she'll take the advice.


I feel sorry for her, she appears to be a very nice young lady.

I just wonder what you guys think, were we wrong to give that advice to her? What else could we say to her? I don't think he hits her, but I wouldn't put it past him, he has an attitude about him.

I am generally of the opinion that other people's buisness it just that, theirs and not mine.

However I do feel you, and more so your wife, did the right thing - the HUMAN thing - in that situation by just letting her know others care and that she should care about herself more.

I would have done the same thing given what was presented to me.

Yes, it's absolutely thier business, however I can't help but feeling for other people and feeling the need to "help" whenever I can.

one other thing...

someone else brought up that if, IF he does hit her, don't be surprised if this week when he shows up, he's all ticked off that my wife talked to her and then he and I will "have words".

It's hell being old and wise sometimes... I just wish today's youth could "get it"...

Sadly this is a very common thing in relationships. Every relationship I've ever had has been with an abusive guy, some worse than others.

This "jealousy" and controlling of her are symptoms of something much worse. It could lead to physical battery. It could lead to more mental torture for the girl.

She probably has low self-esteem, and Poker Joe could very well be a predator of girls like this. Maybe not consciously, but the symptoms are very alarming to me, having just left a ten year relationship with someone who tried to own my very soul.

Firstly, I think your wife did the right thing by talking to her. Will the girl hear it? Probably not. She sounds like she's already under Joe's thumb good and proper. She may feel she doesn't deserve any better treatment, she may be afraid that if she leaves him, she won't find anyone else. This relationship is what she learned love looks like in childhood, so she's attracted to the destruction, though it's unconscious.

All you and your wife can do is let her know that you are there if she needs to talk. Eventually she may get fed up with being treated like a child, like chattel, and take you up on it.

In the meantime, there are some resources to help you and your wife understand the dynamic of what's really going on. I've attended a domestic violence support group for over a year -- and yes, verbal, emotional and mental abuse is domestic violence, even if no hitting is involved. She is entitled to get help from a women's shelter or support organization. The law may not help her, but luckily women's services understand how damaging this is and that hitting isn't necessary to destroy a woman's life.

If you wanted to, you could try to slip her the national domestic violence helpline number -- peers are there to listen and to help her find local counseling and support.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

The psychology of the victim is often complex, and she may not be willing to accept help. Just by making yourselves available should she need it, might give her some strength to do something to change this.

Other websites with good information are:

www.lundybancroft.com...
www.verbalabuse.com...
www.actabuse.com...

There are many more resources on Google under "verbal abuse."

Two books helped me figure out what exactly had happened to me when I left my husband, and are invaluable:

Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft (I got my copy off EBay)

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans.

Keep in mind that she probably doesn't even consciously realize that she is being abused. Most women in this position think it's their fault and if they change this, or that, or try harder, he will love them again.

It won't happen.

Joe could be a great guy, with the guys, but with a woman he sounds like very bad trouble.

I was warned by my ex's ex-fiancee -- she called all the way from Australia to warn me, and I didn't listen because he'd told me she was crazy.

I wish I'd listened to her now. HE was the crazy one.

Good luck. Just don't be hurt or surprised if she doesn't seem to want your help or advice. She's in a mental trap and can't see clearly, and can't see the way out. All you can do is be patient and let her know that help is there for her, should she need it.

If she's receptive to the idea, you could U2U me for my personal email address and pass it along to her, I'd be glad to offer her support and advice from my own experience.

women are precious and as men, if we love them, we should place them on a pedestal and praise them and take care of them.

If only all men felt this way. *sighs*

Your wife and you did the right thing. Part of the problem with women in abusive situations, is that they feel they have no where to go. Giving her a place to go might help her realize how to get out of there.

I think men who are jealous are that way cause they can't trust themselves. That coupled with the need to possess and control, makes them very abusive. I've had a relationship or two like that.. and it's almost enough to make me swear off men. Almost...

If it gets to be to much of a bother at your poker night, why don't you pull Joe aside and tell him, that she's invited but he can't talk to her like that at your house. Tell him it's a fight free zone. That might at least give her a break from it... course he might stop coming all together, so...

Use your digression.