Some jokes.

First post here.

Train Robbery

One day these two guys on a train going to Preswick. One of the guys needs a dump but there are no toilets on the train so his friend says "Hang your arse out the window and do one." So his friend pulls down his pants and sticks his arse out the window and just as they're pulling up to the station two robbers on the platform see him. One says "You slap his cheek and I'll steal his cigar".


Little Ol' Lady

There's a little old lady in a care home. On the second floor (where everyone sleeps) the corridor is around the edge and the rooms are in the middle. One day the old lady gets into her wheelchair and sets off around the edge. On her first time around, an old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she has no registration plate "So can I see your papers, please?" he asks. She hands him a sweet wrapper, he nods, and she sets off. On the second time around, the old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she is speeding "So can I see your drivers licence, please?" She hands him a receipt, he nods, and she sets off.
On the third time around, the man comes out of room 90 stark naked with an erection, and the old lady says "Damn! Not the breathalyser again!"


Observations

Love is grand,
Divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape,
Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer,
But it's a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new,
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common,
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world,
A pessimist fears that this is true.

There will always be death and taxes,
However, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever,
So far, so good.

Practice safe eating,
Always use condiments.

If marriage were outlawed,
Only outlaws would have in-laws.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
But also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom,
Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stopped laughing.