Roommate (grrrr bark bark)

So, shortly after my mother passed from Breast Cancer, we allowed a dear friend of ours to stay with us as we had an extra room. His mother passed away in June and he was supposed to be entitled to half of the house. However, his sister who is pretty well on had decided to acquire the services of an attorney and managed to kick him out of the house, regardless of the fact it's legally part his.
He has two major problems that are affecting both his, and mine and my husband's lives. One is that his sister can afford lawyers and The Roomie cannot. She basically evicted him from the house in December so that she could clean up the house and get it ready to put on the market. SHE has done absolutely nothing of the sort, and we believe she's secreting away many important and/or nostalgic belongings, some of which were supposed to go to the roomie. He refuses to confront her on this - he's the single most passive-aggressive human I've ever known.

The Roomie has now been here in our home for 6 months - 3 months longer than we agreed upon. He doesn't help with bills as we agree he has a crappy job, and a verbal deal was struck that he will pay us back rent when/if the house gets sold.
He was also made very aware that we are moving at the end of the month, and he's is dragging his feet for one reason -He feels that he shouldn't have to divulge his SS# to the company that are considering us as tenants.

If he is going to move with us, which I'm sure he will, he seems to have no other choice, then things WILL change. He will start cleaning up after himself (I am no maid). He will keep his own bathroom clean, he will empty his ashtrays more than once a week, and he will help with taking out the damn garbage once in a while - without prompting. The last time I asked him to take out the trash he said yes but with one condition - I will have to put a clean one in the bin. I laughed at him. A full deep belly laugh. He also asked me once if I would clean his bathroom. I said no. Colorfully. While laughing.

The husband knows my concerns, though seems to blow them off.
This roomie has got to go his own way. He's 47 ffs.
Welcome to the Really Real World!

/endrant

No good deed goes unpunished.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Doesn't sound like your husband is helping the situation either.

You're basically raising two adult children, or atleast expected too even though you refuse.

Sounds like fun.

My advice, men usually lack nuance and awareness in these situations.

If you want things to change, hints and playful sarcasm will not work, you’ll have to sit him down, put a written list of his responsibility’s in front of him, have him read them back to you, and make the punishments for noncompliance crystal clear as well.

Past that you just have to stick to your guns about the rules, no exceptions, or he will continue to take advantage of your hospitality.

As someone who recently kicked out a roommate who was screwing us over, still owes us close to $1000 3 months later and left us with a mountain of garbage he'd been burrowing into in his room. Kick him out. Don't let him move with you. You'll regret it.

I can see no reason to allow this person to remain in your life. If it were me, this is what I would do:

1. I would inform him that I am moving on a certain day.
2. I would inform him that he has to be out a given period before that day (one week? two weeks?) with no excuses.
3. He would not be welcome in my new digs as he has proven himself to be uncooperative up to this point.
4. I would research legal options in the event that he does not move out so that you can at least threaten him and let him know that you mean business, and take legal action to have him forcibly removed if necessary.

If this person is an adult and is reasonably sound in mind and body, you are not responsible for him or his personal needs. If, in a short six months, he has proven to be this much of a burden up to now, it will only get worse. Much worse!

My son was about 20. He'd moved from another state to join me and start a new life. We had a trade school course planned out that we were going to both take together, but that fell through as the trade school canceled the course. I gave him a date and told him that he would be out on that date. The day arrived and he had no job, no place to live, nothing. I told him he could sleep in his car. He bounced around for a couple of weeks, stayed with friends and family some, slept a couple of nights at our place, finally landed on his feet, got a job and actually thanked me a while later for kicking him out.

Sometimes people just need to be forced to take a stand. Or go hungry.
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originally posted by: dug88
As someone who recently kicked out a roommate who was screwing us over, still owes us close to $1000 3 months later and left us with a mountain of garbage he'd been burrowing into in his room. Kick him out. Don't let him move with you. You'll regret it.

Instantly remembered your thread. I will never NEVER have a roommate.

www.abovetopsecret.com...

You will be showing more love by forcing your roommate to face responsibility than being the enabler.
There have been some very wise words said in this thread, surprisingly

Sounds like the sister of your roommate knew something you didn’t

originally posted by: Raggedyman
... Sounds like the sister of your roommate knew something you didn’t

There's a point I hadn't thought of.

Maybe the sister is not the bad guy in this scenario. Maybe there are solid, ethical reasons for what she's done. Maybe there is history that has informed her actions.

Maybe, OP, you should take a clue from her.
:

originally posted by: MisterSpock
Doesn't sound like your husband is helping the situation either.

You're basically raising two adult children, or atleast expected too even though you refuse.

Sounds like fun.

Taking care of my husband is actually a joy to me. He busts his ass 50-60 hours a week to take care of us. I love making sure his belly is full and that he has a clean space to come home to. But you are right - when it comes to the roomie my husband has blinders on. And I can't help but feel taken advantage of and I can't shake the feeling of being disrespected in my own home.

The longer he lives with us the less respect I have for him. And I am having a hard time pushing away feelings of resentment towards the hubby. I just wish he would actually take my feelings into consideration.

originally posted by: Quantumgamer1776
My advice, men usually lack nuance and awareness in these situations.

If you want things to change, hints and playful sarcasm will not work, you’ll have to sit him down, put a written list of his responsibility’s in front of him, have him read them back to you, and make the punishments for noncompliance crystal clear as well.

Past that you just have to stick to your guns about the rules, no exceptions, or he will continue to take advantage of your hospitality.

Yes. This is exactly what I'm going to have to do. I keep thinking that I don't want him to think I'm a b!tch, but if that's what it takes to get through to either of them, then so be it.

originally posted by: Raggedyman
You will be showing more love by forcing your roommate to face responsibility than being the enabler.
There have been some very wise words said in this thread, surprisingly

Sounds like the sister of your roommate knew something you didn’t

I thought that same thing as well.
I'm starting to understand more and more why she resents him so much.

originally posted by: dug88
As someone who recently kicked out a roommate who was screwing us over, still owes us close to $1000 3 months later and left us with a mountain of garbage he'd been burrowing into in his room. Kick him out. Don't let him move with you. You'll regret it.

And may lose a friend because of it. But honestly, if he's that good of a friend he wouldn't behave this way towards the woman who who was one half of the decision to let him stay with us.

a reply to: Slinki

If he is going to move with us, which I'm sure he will, he seems to have no other choice, then things WILL change. He will start cleaning up after himself (I am no maid). He will keep his own bathroom clean, he will empty his ashtrays more than once a week, and he will help with taking out the damn garbage once in a while - without prompting. The last time I asked him to take out the trash he said yes but with one condition -

Lets be honest... if he is not already doing these things as a guest he will not be doing them as a tenant.
I dont understand your obligation to give this guy a place to live. Especially if he is not paying his way.
#ty or not if he has a job he should be paying something.

originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: Slinki

If he is going to move with us, which I'm sure he will, he seems to have no other choice, then things WILL change. He will start cleaning up after himself (I am no maid). He will keep his own bathroom clean, he will empty his ashtrays more than once a week, and he will help with taking out the damn garbage once in a while - without prompting. The last time I asked him to take out the trash he said yes but with one condition -

Lets be honest... if he is not already doing these things as a guest he will not be doing them as a tenant.
I dont understand your obligation to give this guy a place to live. Especially if he is not paying his way.
#ty or not if he has a job he should be paying something.

You are absolutely correct, Silly.
Thanks everyone, for listening to me vent and motivating me to do something about it. I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

a reply to: Slinki

Well... ? Don't tease!

How did things work out?