The drama of a new job when unemployed

a reply to: DBCowboy

The first day really sets the tone. Make sure to stay up late the night before watching fringe YouTube videos and sci-fi themed vintage porn.

Talk about them.

Then when everyone knows each other and their political /religious pet peeves you can ask everyone to indulge in their dirtiest, darkest humor.

As far as the tie, nothing says good things like a cartoon themed tie. Bonus points for flair. Pins that are larger than 6 inches must be worn on the jacket like medals. I recommend anything anime.

Also, carry around a whoopie cushion and just inflate and deflate that sucker all day. They make them with auto air valves so the fun can be perpetual with no interruptions.

Most of all, always approach a coworker from behind and rub their shoulders unannounced.

Avoid making too much eye contact when facing them. It's a power move. Instead constantly scan them from feet to brow in a slow and unapproving manner.

Follow these steps and they will know who is the boss and what to do to please you personally regardless of work stress and goals.

Once a year block the parking lot entrance with 2 or more of your personal vehicles. Again, Power move. Don't let anyone leave without permission.

a reply to: tadaman


It's like you are a living, "How-To" guide for upper management.

Spooky, only because I was thinking almost the exact same thing!