The Dam Letter!!

This is an actual letter sent to a man named ***** ****** regarding a pond
on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.
I have deleted the name of the person who responded for privacy reasons.


I found this stashed away at the bottom of my e-mails while cleaning out the thousands I had accumulated over the years. I thought I'd share it with you guys because... well... it's dam funny!


Read and enjoy.



SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. *****:


It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:


Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.


A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
annotated.


The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2007.


Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..


We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


Sincerely,

David L. Price


District Representative and Water Management Division.



Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. ******:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County


Dear Mr. Price,


Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout
Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my
Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.


These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I
do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)


I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to
protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are
going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not
careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU,

****** *******
& THE DAM BEAVERS

a reply to: sled735

Did he ever get a response to his letter? That I would like to see.

S&F, great find

a reply to: flammadraco

I would love to know too.
I never heard any more about it, so, I don't know.

That is hilarious! Thanks for posting that, I love reading funny stuff first thing in the morning.

That was a fun read while enjoying my first cup of the morning, thank you. I enjoyed the bear part too.

a reply to: sled735

There was a response and the land lord wrote back and was not amused on my iphone so cannot copy and paste text and omit names, but here's the link downeastwildliferehabilitationcenter.com...

a reply to: flammadraco


DAM!!! LOL!

Thanks for that!!!

I guessed that it was beavers from the start, but his reply was brilliant! Hahahahah!!! Thanks for sharing and making my day!