Radnip - just your everyday beast

A Day in the Life of Radnip

*Act I*

The Dance


A hunchback peddled back and forth, trying to maintain order within chaos. His order was cleanliness, and the chaos that opposed him were the dustmites that gathered on the furniture. He went on from section to section within this underground catacomb at Rennes-Le'Chateau, and he always saved the following section for last. Upon completing his duties, he walked down 76 flights of stairs and entered a door that was made of gold and was 13 meters high. Inside this megalithic chamber filled with artifacts that spanned the globe's cultures, past and present, lumbered a toiling little gargoyle named Radnip. He gazed at his Babylonian Sun Discs portrayed across the mantles, which themselves were quite magnificent. As he looked upon the artifacts, some of which were not publically seen in over 6,000 years, he thought to himself:

"Life is boring. You conquer, you pillage, and you plunder. Yet, nothing is different!"

As he poured into deep thought, his presence was violated by Elizabeth Rosdinw, who, like Radnip, was a pendatic serpent creature, herself. She twisted her tail around as she waddled forward and bellowed "Radnip!"

Radnip flapped his wings once in surprise, "Do not come up to me like a commoner! Can you not see I am in deep thought?"

"Quiet, Radnip. You know as well as I do that we are incapable of that."

"True." Radnip's wings, once prominent, now folded behind his back, "What is it that you want, you canniving Gila Monster?"

"The managers of the Reserves have been clamoring about the gold being drained from our accounts. You are not pulling any funny business because of our disagreement on Babylon's revival, are you?"

"Perish the thought, Madame. Had I such perverse interests, our horns would already be interlocked in battle."

"You do not fool me, Radnip. You have been deliberately sucking the material wealth out of the region and have been coordinating your efforts with Yug Ed Dlihcshtor which is strictly prohibited."

"That prohibition does not apply to me, creature, as I am Radnip. King of all..."

"Of all what , Radnip?"

"Nothing..." Radnip began to rub his protrusions from the back of his head as he muttered under his breath, "yet"

"Your manners with Russia have also been of keen interest. What is it your are implying when you hand over Khordokovsky... the whiny human who was so willing to hand over the oil to our bretheren of the United Sssstatessss?"

"Rellefekcor was getting too selfish, so I pulled some strings and had the matter resolved. Putin was only doing his job. Where is my sacrifice?!" Radnip screamed suddenly towards his servant.

A hunchback enters the chamber amongst the other two beasts, bearing forth a dead human on a gurney. He is mostly dismembered, but death was not too long ago as the sheets were still being invaded by the corpse's blood. The hunchback mutters, "Sire, enjoy this as..."

"Yeah yeah yeah; less talk, more salt." Radnip wolfed down the carcass and Elizabeth drooled as she watched him. The scent of the warm blood made them both more emotionally active; Radnip became more and more excited as he ate, whereas Elizabeth's envy grew more and more self-encompassing.

"May I have some?" She lowered her tail to the floor and began to look uncharacteriscally innocent.

"Begone." Radnip said in between appendages, "This is all mine. You have your own, you perfumed Iguana."

"Ssssssserendipitous fool! Your days of hording this planet's wealth are numbered!"

"You can address that at our next Solstice meeting. We will see how many followers you can master to accomplish that threat."

"I am afraid I cannot wait that long. I will fight your for dominance... NOW!" Elizabeth's tail flaired upwards behind her as she emitted a gutteral growl that shook the room. The hunchback scurried away for cover, watching from under a hovering torchlamp, and he crept forward to get a better view.

"You will fail, you misanthropic python!" Radnip's wings blasted out from behind him, and he roared magnificently as he put his arms above his head to form an H. They jumped on each other, and started to claw violently at each other's torso. Radnip threw Elizabeth across the room, but her tail snapped at his face thus knocking him to the floor.

They both rose to their feet at the same time, looking at each other wantingly. Radnip chuckled in the most evil manner imaginable, and threw an imaginary baseball at Elizabeth.

It was not so imaginary as the projectile, despite being invisible, hit Elizabeth's psychic field, thus causing light blue ripples to emenante from thin air around the impact.

"You cannot have the shield. only the Master Blood can protect themselves like that." Radnip stated as he was mildly surprised.

"But, I do." stated Elizabeth, who blinked one layer of her vertical eyelids.

"Come, let us not deny it any further. You want me."

"And you want me, Radnip." Elizabeth's tail had curled itself into a ball.

They both dropped their guard and rushed at each other. They started to, in the most violent manner, grope each other and proceeded to make out so aggresively; it seemed someone's head was going to fall off. As they bashed each other in the only lovingly way they knew how, they stopped upon making a realization.

"We tried thisssss 7,000 years ago, Radnip... it will not work." Elizabeth stated with disappointment.

"It will this time, you devlish dragon." Radnip said, as he unsheathed the golden phallus he had hidden.

"Oh what a delight! Does it work?"

"Yessssssssssss," Radnip said with excitement.

"After all this time?'

"YESSSSSSSSS!" Radnip shouted in an egotistically anxious manner as he jumped on Elizabeth. Within seconds, an aural explosion came forth and killed the peeping hunchback upon contact with the shockwave.

*End of Act I*

Radnip woke up in his chamber of soft items, and pondered over the immediate future of his day. He struggled with this, as it has been a long time that he has to repeatedly come up with a really good thing to do.

"Crap," he said as he brushed aside the carpeted sheets, "I'm late for that stupid meeting with the-"

"The Warlord Harbringer Overlord Royal Establishment , Sire." Apparently, another hunchback was ready and with the program.

"Listen, you didn't see any..." Radnip was about to stammer from anxiety, "explosions... or anything like that, right?"

"OH, no! Sir?" The hunchback stated the truth, "They just cloned me last night."

"Good. Hey, come here." His wings started to rustle a bit.

"Sir?" The hunchback edged closer as Radnip started to leave his elaborate pillow spread.

"From here on, you don't say anything like what you sssssaid." He said quietly, and even went so far as to whisper, "Now get out of here."

He was not a fan of hunchback flesh, which is why Radnip kept them around. He thought that the tissues tasted almost decomposed, and he didn't like to screw with his eating habits. His pals usually had a servant-consumption problem, but was advised to keep an appetite-suppresant around in the form of his hunchback servants. He entered another chamber, and appeared in a completely different room... still, not a window in sight.

"What have we here?" Boomed an echo across the meeting hall, complete with a gigantic triangular table. The room was empty, but with one being seated firmly within the point of the triangle. There was another person, a large guard it seemed, standing at the middle opening.

"We're late, High Grand Ienurb, but neverthelessssss, we are here." Radnip did not like to defend for himself, but only did it to those he liked.

"Sit down." Ienurb gestured politely. A light followed Radnip's trail, but was not upon him.

"What is it now?" He demanded. His tone of voice caused the guard, apparently an ogre of a human, to become slightly agitated. The keen Ienurb soothed the guard across the room.

"You are in the mood you are in because of your mistakes. You are imperfect, but that is not worthy of judgement towards you."

"And you are impatient and without the ability to articulate comprehensive sssssscenarios of manipulation. For oblivion's sake, your toilet also happens to be completely made of gold."

"Shutup." Ienurb, truly impatient, was only making an opening statement, "I have a terrifically amazing plan. It involves all kinds of ridiculous ethics and control mechanisms we have been dying to impose."

"Ok, let me guesssssss... you want to attack America, and full scale." Radnip had no emotion for this topic, as was demonstrated by his sly pose on the chair. He glanced at the ogre who had a bit of drool on his butt-chin.

"No. We can't do that yet. Let the Babylon thing go, already. You got your preciousssss artifacts... looted, but you have them. And they are screwing themselves over time!"

"Such a waste of food..." Radnip usually had only one thing in mind, but it made him so objective, nonetheless.

"Listen: You get the Americans to think you will help them invade Iran and other parts of the Mediterranean region. I will get my friends out of there like with Ssssssaddam, and things will be all right. The Nedal, Namma, and Deyaf clans, as well as the Royal Family, will get involved and set the game in motion."

"That's not a bad plan." Radnip was bored and hungry. "I'll consider the plan. What isssss it, do you need money?"

"You are sssssuch a prick. You know what we need, and we know what you need." Ienurb, motioned for his guard to escort Radnip to the surface transport.

"I fon't need your stupid ogre to give me a lift. I will get things rolling on my own. I know Virginia's command frequency."

***

Ridnap walked around in his chamber, pacing around a pile of partially-eaten rotting entrails. He was not happy in general and thought to himself, a rarity amongst his personality. "Plans are for fools," he laughed to himself and sat down at his terminal and began to plot strings to pull within currency exchanges.

A screen beeped, and appeared Carihc, with his usual stern look and big head. "Radnip, Ruler of this region, are you there, master?"

Radnip did not feel like talking to one of his lowly subordinates, "What?! WHAT!" he yelled. He had to keep a tough stance in front of the humans.

"Something has happened to your lover, the Queen. She has exploded!!! Into bits and pieces; there are no remains!"

"What? Oh?" Radnip broke out unto boisterous laughter, "That's wonderful!" But then it hit him, "WHAT?! OH &^%#@! well that's it! I mean," he gathered himself and appeared in front of the President, "Thank you for your service. You are doing well, and we demand that you continue."

The screen shut off, leaving Radnip in the dark with his stinkpile of guts beside him. He sulked in the corner about current events, and threw an ancient 9-pound ruby across the room. As it shattered, with its remains crumbling about upon their landing, he pounded the wall in angst.

Radnip was again in that meeting room, with the extra-large pyramidal table. This time, the room was darker, and the voices were plentiful. There were plenty of murmurs going around the room, as it appeared major topics would have to be discussed.

"Radnip, please stand and ssssssspeak, our wise friend." An older gargoyle of a beast had a bit of light solely focused on him as he spoke.

"Thank you, Yug Ed. I have been informed of the extraordinary event that has happened, but have no remorse or regrets over what has happened."

"We agree, that it is a great loss to our bloodline and our future that the Rosdinw has been lost."

"And I ssssssuppose you want to talk about the money." Radnip stated with a hint of frustration.

"We agree, that is the topic we wish to discuss." The murmurs turned to chuckles and excitment. "Silence!" The beast clamored as he pounded the table with his fist.

"And when do I get to do my ssssstuff?"

"Israel can wait. It has had a lot of fun lately. Giving that fat puppet, Norahs, the book, Mein Kampf, was a sound idea." Laughter echoed throughout the room, "Also, the entire operation has proven to be more lucrative than ever imagined."

"But, come on!" Radnip's impatience boiled to its climax, and his wings flustered forward angrily.

"Calm down!" The eyes on Yug Ed flashed, "I want to have fun there, too, but this is a good plan! We must go with it as the other thing isn't looking so great. That will have to wait."

"Fine, look, I'll have the gold transferred tomorrow. What issssss it, a few million tonssssss you need for this? Fine, take it. I mean, I can't believe you're not even pissed about the death of one of our own."

"What is it you are saying?"

"I'm out. We're done with this show. Take your money." Radnip tapped his left shoulder, and disintegrated out of there, leaving the room full of bewildered entities. The disadvantaged Yug Ed was shell shocked, but let it go and continued the gathering nonetheless.

Meanwhile, back at a spaceport outside of Pine Gap, Australia, Radnip was almost 30 miles below the surface and started to prepare his spaceship, "This is ssssstupid. Thousands of years of this horsemanure and nothing stays the better. Always some new plan to do some new thing to maintain the old order. I can't even go bone someone because they will always explode or something, and the stinker is that this planet is too bloody small."

He entered the ship, a massive piece of complicated machinery... still no windows. The door closed behind him, and the ship powered its lights and systems. Radnip walked calmly to the cockpit, which was more like a slushpit full of slugs and a joystick in the middle. "Finally! I should have done this thousands of years ago! And I am so ssssick of WINE!" He hit several buttons on the joystick's panel, and chewed several squishy slugs. The ship cloaked from visible space, and apparently matter, and rematerialized outside of the Asteroid Belt. He looked at a display for Jupiter, and looked back at a read out of the Sun. "I'm out of here, man." He said as his ship zipped into the expanse of space, never to return.

*** The End ***