Chili Cookoff, page 1

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your
cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this
slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third
judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, the tasting, So I
accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

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Chili Sample A: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
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Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 -- (Frank) Holy #, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one! btw, These Texans are crazy.

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Chili Sample B: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
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Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

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Chili Sample C: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
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Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting #-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili Sample D: Bubba's Black Magic
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Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid,was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili Sample E: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
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Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on
it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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Chili Sample E: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic...
Superb!
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I # myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

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Chili Sample F: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
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Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
#3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like # to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, its too painful! . Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili Sample G: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
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Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.