Relationships require space? Says who?

.... anyway, point being, I find it hilarious that older folks want to lecture me on "how relationships work" when those same adult individuals are the most miserable people I've ever met in my life.

You think I should do whatever you're doing?

You know better because you're older?

Nope.

I think its time for the younger generation to experiment with relationship rules, and determine some for themselves rather than letting people like you discourage them from doing so. It doesn't matter what you do or say, experience is the only real teacher.

I have a right to share my experiences, and I am allowed to have experiences regardless of my age. People who suggest otherwise annoy me to no end. And considering my endurance in the last relationship, doing my damnest to make it work, trying to get him jobs, get him graduated, and get him on his feet, despite the relationship being horribly doomed to fail, I think my chances of a healthy relationship working out are pretty great, age be damned.

I have experience the death of every single blood relative I had before the age of 22 including my mother to suicide. Yet i value my alone time, but maybe not so much at your age, so the time will come.

I also experienced an extreme physically abusive relationship.

I am not trying to say that your relationship won't continue to be a strong one, but I am saying that eventually you are going to want alone time and that is ok, and that will be healthy. Wanting alone time doesn't always equate to an unhealthy relationship, it also equates to a mature relationship.

reply to post by calstorm

I have experience the death of every single blood relative I had before the age of 22 including my mother to suicide. Yet i value my alone time, but maybe not so much at your age, so the time will come.

Respectfully, I don't think I am going to change this part of myself. Its one of the strongest parts of me, and I'm pretty sure time isn't going to affect that too much (maybe a little, not much).

I'm as introverted as you can be, trust me. I hate talking to people in school, and I never want to leave the house, even when I have to. Most people, I get tired of fairly easily, and its made me feel pretty guilty. But my fiance is the only person I never get tired of. "Alone time" usually leaves me with sudden waves of anxiety, weird scenarios playing through my head, and nightmares, if I happen to be sleeping. I may have an anxiety disorder, I'm not sure, but I don't believe in taking medication (bad experiences), so I'll wing it.

I dunno, maybe you're stronger than me, because experiencing instability and loss has resulted in heavy anxiety for me, while you seem to be handling it like a champ. But my fiance's presence eases me more than any substance I can take. He calms me a lot, and he doesn't even try to.

There was a time I didn't handle it well, but I am about 15 years older than you I am guessing. I have had lots of time to learn how do handle things, as you said experience is the best teacher, and you learn new was to cope.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX



I completely understand your frustration in receiving some of the responses you have.
Unfortunately, anytime we put a question out there, or ask for advice on anything at all, we can never choose who will respond or how.
I think people simply respond by the experience they personally have. The knowledge they personally have.
It may not be useful to another, or it may be that it is exactly what someone needs to hear.

Don't be angry with anyone for responding with the "Wait until you're..." or "When I was..." because that is the only way they can respond.

If every human being could wear a sign around their necks, listing all the suffering and experiences they have had in life, maybe it would be easier for us all to communicate and relate. No matter the age of a person.
Not sure it would cause more empathy or even prevent someone from trying to 'one up' your own experience. But elders have responded to those younger like this since the beginning of time. They always will respond like this. Imagine yourself in twenty years, telling someone else the exact same things. haha Because if anyone ever comes to you for advice in twenty years, after more and more experiences have been planted in you, you will look at them and say "When you are..."

It will happen most likely. May be inevitable in us all. But there is good advice here.

I do understand all that you have explained here. I do also understand the need for constant contact. That feeling that you can't get enough of someone, and that whenever the person is with you, in whatever capacity, it gives you peace.
But I also think it is always like this in the beginning of any relationship more profoundly than it will be later on in the relationship.
And that is okay, and a part of the growth of the relationship. In the beginning, we are learning our significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend or even just friend. And it is natural to crave their presence. When we settle in to them, and we realize they aren't going anywhere at all, we move towards the next level of progression.

But certainly passionate people always feel the need for constant contact, as this is how they release their love and affection to their 'other.' Some may call it clingy, but I don't find that is the case.
If it feels clingy to the other, it can be a problem in the relationship. But if your other desires your constant affection and presence, there is no problem.

But does everyone need a little space? I do think so. But as you mentioned in your first relationship... possessive is entirely different than simply wanting to always be together. Perhaps, it is that I speak only from my own experience. I think that everyone needs solitary time even if all they think about is their other. They need to regroup and replenish themselves, for lack of a better way to say it.

But I do know the feelings of desiring to be with your other all the time. If he is fine with it, I don't see the problem?

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


You said that you don't think that part of you will ever change, which is cool I can respect that. My question is, if you're whole motivation for living is this guy and your relationship, what happens if he changes? How will this affect you if HE decides he needs some space? Maybe that won't happen, but the odds are it will. Things constantly change, and no matter what intentions people have, when you place them on the "perfect" pedestal, they have a tendency to eventually let you down.

I just hope that you're at least willing to consider other outcomes so that if they do happen you are ready for it and do not allow yourself to shatter if your perfect world crumbles.

Just something to think about. Good luck to you sweetheart! I wish you nothing but the best

Everyone;

I think that everyone needs solitary time even if all they think about is their other. They need to regroup and replenish themselves, for lack of a better way to say it.

But I do know the feelings of desiring to be with your other all the time. If he is fine with it, I don't see the problem?

I couldn't agree with this post more.

My fiance and I made the same mistake in high school--we both quit in the last year, and moved out of our parent's house. Last year, I spent all my time from January to about May doing four long, boring online classes in order to finally obtain my diploma. Now, he's in the process of doing the same thing. We motivate one another quite a bit

So, when he's at school, I get incredibly bored and lonely (on days that I'm home), so I end up spending the day cleaning EVERYTHING in sight, and cooking for him when he comes home. I also have time to re-evaluate my life, and think about where we're gonna go from here.

Although I'd rather us be together all the time, I understand that being alone is a much-needed time of self reflection, and its gonna happen to everyone, no matter how much time they spend with someone.

You said that you don't think that part of you will ever change, which is cool I can respect that. My question is, if you're whole motivation for living is this guy and your relationship, what happens if he changes? How will this affect you if HE decides he needs some space? Maybe that won't happen, but the odds are it will. Things constantly change, and no matter what intentions people have, when you place them on the "perfect" pedestal, they have a tendency to eventually let you down.

There's no perfect pedestal here, okay? I know I sound kind of fanciful when I describe the relationship, but its only because I've never been this happy before. It doesn't mean we don't get overloaded with life problems, and it doesn't mean we are living in a Disney-land Heaven void of any negativity.

Believe me, I drive myself mad thinking about the possibility you've presented here. And when I bring it up to him, his response tell me everything I need to know. I have more faith in him than anyone.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm not considering the worst outcomes. In fact, its an uncontrollable habit that overwhelms me occasionally, and if anything, I need to reduce the dosage of those thoughts flowing through my mind, not increase them. They've done nothing good for me.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


The feeling I get here is you confusing the need to be independent and the concept of "space". The two are entirely different things. A relationship in which you are independent is one where you are free to go and do the things you like doing without your partner constantly hovering or complaining about it. The issue of space comes up when you feel confined to only dealing with your partner. It isn't the time apart that defines your relationship it is what you do in your time together that does.

And you may want to look into how it is you are fighting when you and your bf do argue. From pure experience I will tell you if your fight pattern is as you describe it, you are both leaving an awful lot unsaid for the sake of making peace. And while that is an admirable quality the stuff that is going unaddressed will eventually pile up. He isn't a mind reader anymore than you are and if you're holding issues back he will not know how to address them.

Other than those couple of things, I would agree from the information at hand that yes you are in a far healthier relationship now.

reply to post by KeliOnyx

And you may want to look into how it is you are fighting when you and your bf do argue. From pure experience I will tell you if your fight pattern is as you describe it, you are both leaving an awful lot unsaid for the sake of making peace. And while that is an admirable quality the stuff that is going unaddressed will eventually pile up. He isn't a mind reader anymore than you are and if you're holding issues back he will not know how to address them.

Its funny, because we both actually got a lot of stuff off our chests last night. And here we are the next day, unscathed and still happy I appreciate your input.

XxNightAngelusxX
But its true, all people are different, and everything comes down to their chemistry.

You pretty much summed it all up in this one line
Best of luck to you and your engagement!

If I was to give you one bit of advice, it would be this.
You can never make anyone happy. Nor can anyone make you happy. Being happy is on the person, and each of us are different.

But you will drive yourself mad trying to make others happy. Best anyone can do, is make the person they are with comfortable.
When you make someone comfortable, happiness falls upon them, not you! Always remember that. And if you are trying to make someone happy, you will end up with a huge void when other said person is not happy.
Chemistry of being happy is a personal thing, and NO one can give it too you.

reply to post by zysin5

You can never make anyone happy. Nor can anyone make you happy. Being happy is on the person, and each of us are different.

I think its a give-and-take.

I believe people CAN make one another happy, but it depends on the individual.

If they're hellbent on being unhappy, you'll never make a dent.

If they are open to accept your feelings and actions of love and care, then you WILL make them happy. I believe the impact people have on one another makes a huge difference, but it also depends on the individual and how much they allow the people around them to impact them. Different for every person.

Thanks for the feedback

It's not about chemistry! That's not it at all.

Some of us are more introverted, and we need time alone. Not just from our beloved, but from everyone. That's why, when I couldn't have the spare room as a "Man Cave," I converted our 2-car garage into my "Garage Mahal". It's where I watch football and look at all the deer heads my wife won't let me hang in the house.

A great philosopher put it this way:

XxNightAngelusxX

GroidNificent
What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

You're completely right, he was a douche. But I think you might be missing the point of the rant. My point was that you're not supposed to feel uneasy, IE "like you need space" all the time if you're in a healthy relationship.

Come back and read this thread in 5 years if you are still together.

You are in a new relationship. You are still in the infatuation stage. It is nature's design to make you breed. And it always wears off.

All I hear are the words of a barely adult with no experience, who has no idea what they are talking about.

Look up stages of a relationship.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


You really need to address your codependency issues.

nixie_nox

XxNightAngelusxX

GroidNificent
What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

You're completely right, he was a douche. But I think you might be missing the point of the rant. My point was that you're not supposed to feel uneasy, IE "like you need space" all the time if you're in a healthy relationship.

Come back and read this thread in 5 years if you are still together.

You are in a new relationship. You are still in the infatuation stage. It is nature's design to make you breed. And it always wears off.

All I hear are the words of a barely adult with no experience, who has no idea what they are talking about.

Look up stages of a relationship.

Ever been in an abusive relationship? That counts as experience.

I'm not in any "stage." I've loved this person for years.

It doesn't matter what you think. You don't know anything about me, so who are you to deem what experience I've had? You're pretty quick to throw assumptions around about people. You're a professional troll if I ever saw one. I don't wanna hear the "come back and read this when your old and jaded" bs anymore. OR ignorant assumptions.

XxNightAngelusxX

nixie_nox

XxNightAngelusxX

GroidNificent
What a douche. You don't have to constantly be around someone for it to work. He obviously didn't realize that. There's more to a relationshipthat he didn't realize. I think your better off whith
out going into details since I'm on a phone and it's a bit** to type.

You're completely right, he was a douche. But I think you might be missing the point of the rant. My point was that you're not supposed to feel uneasy, IE "like you need space" all the time if you're in a healthy relationship.

Come back and read this thread in 5 years if you are still together.

You are in a new relationship. You are still in the infatuation stage. It is nature's design to make you breed. And it always wears off.

All I hear are the words of a barely adult with no experience, who has no idea what they are talking about.

Look up stages of a relationship.

Ever been in an abusive relationship? That counts as experience.

I'm not in any "stage." I've loved this person for years.

It doesn't matter what you think. You don't know anything about me, so who are you to deem what experience I've had? You're pretty quick to throw assumptions around about people. You're a professional troll if I ever saw one. I don't wanna hear the "come back and read this when your old and jaded" bs anymore. OR ignorant assumptions.

Me thinks the girl doth protestith too much.


How cute.


Not a troll. Just know exactly what you are doing. I have been there too, so I know EXACTLY what you are doing. And no..., one relationship, especially an abusive one, means you have no idea what a real relationship looks like.


Sorry that I made you angry by popping your fantasy bubble, but that is what it is.

And no, you haven't been in love for years. You don't know what love is yet.

And you just got into this relationship a few months ago.

the fact that you are trying to claim that you have loved this friend from afar for years when you are already engaged after what, 3 months? shows that you have no clue.

The beginning of a relationship is a time of euphoria and intoxication. Life looks brighter and the infatuated feel exhilarated and giddy with possibility. Anything seems doable. Our senses intensify and we feel swell about ourselves and life. New lovers become preoccupied with the courtship of their new romance. Their bodies surge with testosterone, dopamine and endorphins. Sexual energy, laughter, playfulness flow abundantly. A sense of well-being warms the heart. Hollywood romantic films do a pretty good job depicting infatuated couples.

In this stage couples establish their connection. They emphasize their similarities and ignore differences. There is a good deal of fantasy and projection about the future with the new partner. Couples play house. To make room for the new love, couples often withdraw from some of their other relationships at least temporarily.

Sound like anyone we know?

See more at: freeandconnected.com...

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


I was married to a woman and that's exactly the same way we felt at the beginning of the marriage. Being apart from each other was torture. Well, things changed. I'm divorced. Could it be that it was too much and after a while a little space might have saved the marriage? Eh, I doubt it, lol. I only mention this to establish that I understand exactly what your saying.

Life is never so simple as to allow two people to exist around one another 24/7. There will be times when the necessity of life will require that two people in a relationship spend some time apart. I could be a little as a trip to the store, or an 8 hour day because of work. While that doesn't fit the same concept of "space" it is some time apart. Based on my experience I would say that from my perspective it's actually healthy to not spend every waking hour together.

Not everyone is the same and not every relationship is going to follow a specific model of how a relationship should be. Some couples consist of two very dynamic and unique individuals that need to be alone as part of what makes them the person that they are. In some cases a couple can be in the same physical space but still have space as each pursues individual interests.
Some relationships are about two people melding their lives and personalities into a collaborative whole while other types of relationships are about two individuals sharing themselves with the other while still remaining an independent person.
If you don't always take a shower together, then again, there is some space there. Every couple spends time apart and has some "space". Some people like very little of that space while others enjoy some level of solitude with a greater amount of space.
Of course this is not to be confused with what we have often seen portrayed in movies and television shows when needing space is code for "I think we might need to break up." Some people can also lose themselves in another persons world so much that they need to step away to assess if the feelings they are developing are true or if it's because some other need is being fulfilled by the relationship.

Well, I tend to be a bit scatterbrained sometimes so I'll try to make my point. (I think I had one...) Just because a couple needs space, isn't always going to be an indicator of a bad relationship, nor does it need to be an indicator of a good one. Personally, I found that locking yourself into a hotel room for a week with only room service or delivery, with someone, can give you a very good idea of the type of relationship you have as well as the type of relationship you need.

Myth024
reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX

 

Based on my experience I would say that from my perspective it's actually healthy to not spend every waking hour together.

A 100 times this. It is two wholes sharing a life together. And each having separate identity is very important.

reply to post by nixie_nox

Me thinks the girl doth protestith too much.


How cute.

Sounds like a troll to me...

Not a troll. Just know exactly what you are doing. I have been there too, so I know EXACTLY what you are doing. And no..., one relationship, especially an abusive one, means you have no idea what a real relationship looks like.

That isn't the only other relationship I've been in... not that it matters now, anyway.

Sorry that I made you angry by popping your fantasy bubble, but that is what it is.

Lol. Horse sh!t.

And no, you haven't been in love for years. You don't know what love is yet.

I didn't say I was "in love" for years. I said I LOVED this person, like a dear friend, since middle school. And besides that, who are you to dictate who I'm in love with? Get over yourself.

And you just got into this relationship a few months ago.

Actually, its been about eight months, and we've known each other for seven years. Its not like we're strangers.

the fact that you are trying to claim that you have loved this friend from afar for years when you are already engaged after what, 3 months? shows that you have no clue.

See, this MIGHT be true if it was someone I recently met, but there's no one on the planet I've ever been closer to. He's been my best friend for years. So, you're saying that you have a better clue about my relationship than I do? Lol.

Sound like anyone we know?

Nope.

Sounds like my first relationship (not the abusive one). Sounds like something I went through a long time ago, and felt like a complete idiot for allowing myself to experience it. Sounds like something I'd never let happen again.

A 100 times this. It is two wholes sharing a life together. And each having separate identity is very important.

I've already said that, based on the individual's chemistry, some folks DO need more space than others. The point of the OP is, I don't feel that way anymore, because I'm with someone I actually WANT to be with.

On a semi-related note, every time I see any posts of yours, I get reminded of this;

ATS

You could argue that you're just giving, as you see it, constructive advice and feedback, but if that was the only case, there wouldn't be any need for you to be so annoyingly rude about it. But I guess that's the norm on ATS, and that's what everyone roots for.

If it makes you feel bigger, then whatever. Have at.

reply to post by XxNightAngelusxX


So you have been in a relationship with this guy for 7 months?

You can tout whatever experience you want, but sorry, a relationship as a teen doesn't count. You were with numero uno from 15 till now.

Now lets go back to your original post:

But over the past half a year or so, he and I finally broke it off for good, and my middle school best friend and I fell for each other.

So you basically went relationship hopping. Which means you can't handle being alone, which means you have major codependency issues.

You are slobbering over the first guy who was nice to you and thinking he is the one.

guess what, everyone thinks that when they start a relationship. At the beginning of every relationship, everyone thinks that this is the one.

Being best friends with someone in middle school, has no real bearing on real life. And being friends is nothing like being in a relationship with someone.

You can call me whatever you want because you are angry that I am calling you on your crap because you come crawling in here going: I am in the most wonderful relationship! I don't know what everyone is saying about them!!

You really don't know how ridiculous you sound, like a little girl stamping her foot because we are not going: oh that is wonderful! you and prince charming are going to be together forever! I hope you release doves on your wedding day!

But the fact is those of us who do have experience know that you have no idea what you are doing, and to not lose yourself. But instead of pulling back and learning who you are, you think you know better and that everyone else is just tired and miserable.

I hope I am wrong and that maybe you lucked out and found mr. right so easily, but methinks that since you immediately hopped out from an abusive relationship to another one and got engaged immediately, we all know you don't.

But just keep convincing yourself that none of us know what we are talking about, and you go on with your bad self.

Please don't have children for at least 10 years. You have to grow up yourself first before raising any.