Breaking Down - A First Person Perspective

I am on my way out to have lunch and go shopping with a friend but I shall return to coment later. Love you Heff! You are an amazing man! hugs!!


PS: You could make good money if you wrote an autobiography. I couldn't stop reading it was so fascinating and written with such passion and amusement. Be back later.

You know Heff, we were trying our hardest to figure out which way you had went. We were so scared for weeks because it was below freezing weather for many days. We (you know who) cried for you. Believe it or not, you were a rock for many of us. (what does that tell you LOL) We all fell apart not knowing where you had disappeared to, and yes, we did search for you. We tried tarot cards and psychic readings, which by the way, led me to believe that they only showed us our worst fears which did not help matters any at all.

Once you reappeared it was such a relief!! We all could finally relax knowing you were safe. I feel honored to be your friend, your insight and caring are more than words can describe. I think what you are going through is character building and for someone like you, WOW think of everything you can accomplish in your future!! You are NOT alone and will not be, because you DO have family. Blood is NOT always thicker than water. Don't ever think you are alone. Love ya John!!

Heff,

Really glad to have you in the world pal.

Life is kind of like the movie "Ground Hog Day"

Warmest regards,

RT

I raelly respect you and I dont even know you . What people dont realize is how close we all really are to a catastrophic psycological event to occur. Its very easy for some people to be so ignorant of the fact that they are immune to having a break down.Hypathetical here, Lets just say Joe happy has a good job, mabey building furniture in a cabinet shop. Best shape of his life , not a bad dating life , and a pretty healthy social life. Then on a totally average good day, pure happenstance,has an injury that does irreversible harm to a number of disks in his back by pure accident. Life is then turned upside down in a split second . How does the mind cope with this one . You just might have to start at a bottom you didnt even know existed .You lose your job, you fight workmans comp, you fight unemployment , you cant afford a laywer, the bills stack up ,risk losing your house, look for help with salvation army, look into food stamps, call drug companies for a break in the cost of anti-depressants without insurence, apply for disability ...get turned down twice ..get a free lawyer who wins when you do ,wait for a court date with a dissability judge for 3 years due to a really #ed up system,....lower and lower it gets anxiety consumes you ,depression takes hold,your now at mercy to a really harsh system,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My friend on a really good note the disability judges in this country are really fare. Its very good to have a doctor somewhat standing behind you (ok lets trash the hypathetical here) (the story above ,lets just say it hits very ,very close to home)

My long point is ,,,, I love all the compassionate people behind you here............... my struggle has been hard .........I got broken down piece by piece from the govt. system ..........But in the end (Someone special we all know, looked his way at me and cared) ......There are a special few really tough ones out there that will go thru a struggle that most dont know ,,,,(They are the ones that have been tested )

Heff you are one of the most honest people on this forum, and posts like this are why I finally joined here; knowing there are honest souls trying to reach out to the community of humans seeking answers!

Your lesson in humility and self-discovery are very inspiring for me and hopefully for the rest of ATS, trying to get help when you don't know what help you need is truly difficult for some, I will say for myself it is was and still is very hard to do.

I would likely be classified as bipolar or moreso manic depressive if I decided to approach the psychiatric end of things. I choose to use self-therapy and meditation and self-reflection to treat my "illness" but am INSANELY glad I have loving friends and family that reach out to help me. If my family thought they would be better off with me dead I may have actually taken that path by now. I am very, VERY glad you didn't take that path, Heff.

Always feel free to share your stories and experiences here my brother. You are always loved and appreciated here, we are your friends, and your extended family.

Bless you, seriously... and may your travels and experiences always bring you awareness and comfort

reply to post by Hefficide


That is an amazing story, literally couldn't stop reading.

I'm so glad you are in a better place and you have realised people care. Keep it up, my thoughts are with you.

Metta ~

reply to post by Hefficide


Heff, I am so glad you are where you are.
Things are really looking up for you , and you deserve good things.
You are a good person.
You are a very good person.

I knew quite a bit about your life prior to your going underground, and it's more than good you got away from that.
It renews my faith in "the system"......I'm astounding you found people who helped .....actually.
And I'm grateful for them helping you put yourself back together.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

I'm back. Did you miss me? LOL
Heff, you are such an inspiration to others. You make it easy for others to come forward with their own experiences. So many of us were so worried about you. So many scenerios can play out in one's head. The not knowing can drive you nuts. There are still other members who are missing and I hope they return like you did.

You are like a breath of fresh air with your honesty and elequent posts. Believe me, you have been missed terribly and we are ever so grateful to have you back here where you belong!!

reply to post by Hefficide


I have always enjoyed reading what you write, because you have the ability(gift) to paint with words. I do love reading your paintings. I am also glad you are back and safe and feeling better. Life is sometimes a funny journey, but a journey none the less.

Wow, I am speechless right now. When words come back to me maybe I'll edit this to say more. But for now, I am happy you are back! Missed ya.

< ----- I put that there because it reminds me of a bikini.

reply to post by Night Star


I love your posts Night Star. I saved the picture quotes you posted because these days I need to refer to inspirational words to carry me through. The pink one about trying again tomorrow is similar to this quote I picked up a few years ago " The road to recovery is always under construction". My physiotherapist told it to me regarding my physical recovery. Now I find it also applies to my mental recovery. Sometimes I feel my family expects a new pill and one Psycologist session will cure me and I will be normal. I say I am trying my best but some days are harder than others. It doesn't happen overnight. Some days I truly fail but there's always tomorrow to try again.

When Heff said he greets people now. Me too. I used to just pass a person and never say hi or smile. I could never reply with "good" when asked how are you? I would just say "ok" . Now I say I'm good how are you. I was a real negative nelly. Still am to some degree, but little by little I'm training myself I don't always need to look and be miserable.

reply to post by Hefficide


I’d been wondering to where you had wandered off to. To be truthful, I did have some darker thoughts, but am extremely glad that you weathered through. You have to be my favorite liberal. LOL I mean that in all seriousness.

This post of yours brings joy to me as odd as that sounds. With each day, another adventure awaits. I wish you the best in yours.

(I thought that you had gotten lost in those surveys, or worse…I tried, but they quite annoyed me. But welcome back….we missed ya!)

reply to post by Hefficide


I was flippant in my initial " Who's Heff " Throw away - get a laugh line.

I think I do now know who Heff really is. Thank you for your story.

How humbling to read your words. You are one of the good guys sir!

Don't ever let the " Turkeys " get you down again. ATS is here as an ersatz family if you will - next time - give us a try !!

Heff, you have an amazing gift and are truly an inspiration to us all. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope this new path brings you all the happiness in the world!!!

reply to post by Hefficide


Heff, man, good for you, and THANK YOU for your post here and others you've written, taking Frank about mental illness, etc. The thing is, most people going through, or living with, such problems just don't have the will to speak openly - I think centuries of ingrained stigma have a lot to do wiith that. Further, considering just about the only discussion out there on the topic comes from doctors and researchers - not the people struggling with mental illnesses themselves.

So folks with mental illness (whether short-term or life-long) often not only avoid seeking help, but avoid even "admitting" to themselves they are suffering from mental illness. There are still, to this day, a variety of stigma (stigmi?) which make it difficult for people to be willing to attach themselves to such stigma. people think, I'm not a "looney" or a crazy person. Visions of mental hospitals full of that standard movie mental patient - you know, the guy in the straight jacket, thrashing his head about non-stop, bashing his googly-eyed face into a bloody pulp. And then the stigma at the other end of the spectrum, the simple, yet powerful(ly stupid) idea that if you go to any form of therapist, or take antidepressants, etc., you're simply mentally weak. "Oh, boo-hoo" is what people think - or at least, what people who could use those treatments think people will think.

Kind of long-winded, but hopefully I'm getting my point across. Example, if you find out you've got a 95% blockage in a major artery, what do you do? You say, "oh bleep my bleep with a bleeping chainsaw!", schedule your surgery, and start telling your friends and family, while dating them jokingly to replace your bacon with turkey "bacon." At no point do you sit and fret about whether to just roll the dice because "what will they think if they find out I have arterial plaque buildup?!"
So the folks who get the most raw deal when it comes to dealing with what ails them, are the people whose very ailment, in many cases, makes them the least well-equipped to deal with it.

I've known many people with a wide variety of mental illnesses. Some aware of them, others apparently oblivious, but the one thing in common, none of them ever really feel as though anyone quite understands what they're dealing with. Certainly nobody knows what a mental health facility is actually like. All we have is movies! Well, and Heff. Seriously, it's almost impossible to find frank discussion
about mental health issues, so kudos to you for being a rare breed. I know for sure it helps people who know people with mental health issues of all kinds, and there's sure to be people with their own problems who will see that there are actually people who understand, and maybe even help move them along a path toward better mental health.

Again, my post here may be disjointed as hell, and I guess it's touching on a lot of things I've thought about. Mainly, though, it's a thank you for being willing to talk about these things, and to say I'm really glad you've found a path that is working out well for you, and there are a couple of people in my life which this here has given me some insights to discuss with them.

reply to post by Hefficide


Does this in any way effect your ability to moderate indiscriminately and without prejudice? After all in any other postion of authority, school teacher, nurse, LEO you may be required to relinquish your position. I think this is fair question.

And, because you have very forwardly offered up that you have a mental illness problem, how do you know that what you say happened, actually happened?

I know I am not showing the compassion that others do and that is not for wishing to be rude but I dont find compassion very appealing. You told a story, and I just have those two questions. You state at the end we can ask, so I am asking!

violet
reply to post by Night Star

 

I love your posts Night Star. I saved the picture quotes you posted because these days I need to refer to inspirational words to carry me through. The pink one about trying again tomorrow is similar to this quote I picked up a few years ago " The road to recovery is always under construction". My physiotherapist told it to me regarding my physical recovery. Now I find it also applies to my mental recovery. Sometimes I feel my family expects a new pill and one Psycologist session will cure me and I will be normal. I say I am trying my best but some days are harder than others. It doesn't happen overnight. Some days I truly fail but there's always tomorrow to try again.

When Heff said he greets people now. Me too. I used to just pass a person and never say hi or smile. I could never reply with "good" when asked how are you? I would just say "ok" . Now I say I'm good how are you. I was a real negative nelly. Still am to some degree, but little by little I'm training myself I don't always need to look and be miserable.

I am so glad that the picture quotes help you. I need to see them once in a while myself. Life is always so difficult with its changes and challenges. Sometimes when someone would ask how I was I would say, "Lousy, but thanks for asking." LOL It's such an unexpected reply and we both end up laughing. Hang in there, you are not alone.

reply to post by Hefficide


Heff

Very simply,

Welcome back in every sense of the word,

May your rise be meteoric and may your recovery continue flawlessly

Cody

reply to post by Timely


so this is Heff and what he's been through (in the eyes of ATS people).. it satisfied my curiosity coz I was really wondering why someone gets this degree of attention.. I honestly thought he was inappropriately withheld by authorities against his will, NSA, 007 Bond, secret agents style.

reply to post by projectbane


personally, i'd rather have a "crazy" person to be the mod.. no offense intended.. because any other "sane" person has too many formed biases based on his current position in society.. while the "crazy" one is free of these chains. i use the word crazy here too loosely, but i don't mean the violent egomaniac mad type. just the type whose perspective differ from the norms and so he's viewed as having a mental illness.

i don't find compassion very appealing as well.. in fact, i view it with suspicion most of the times. it's hard to find true compassion that has no strings attached. mostly, it's veiled with some ulterior personal shortcomings looking for others to join their bandwagon of whatever agenda they had which consequently imprisons the recipient of the said compassion.