My "it's complicated" has further complicated herself...agonising choice ahead...

... And I already think I know, which way I'm going to deal with this. I just need to let it out of me so that I can process it.

But for the benefit of those who have never conversed with me over much, I ought to lay the groundwork for this appalling balls up.

Six years ago give or take some months, I had just come out of a pretty terrible relationship, which for reasons which have no bearing on this current matter, left me hollowed out. Like an apple after an unfortunate encounter with a tungsten carbide drill bit. I wandered around, under a cast iron cloud for a long time. I spent a year in limbo. Friends used to tell me that they were worried about me, that I wasn't myself. I never realised it at the time, but of course, they were right. Food didn't taste of anything much, and making me laugh, I am reliably informed, was like trying to pull the proverbial sword from the stone.

I was at work one day in summer, at our shop. The day was hot and bright, and there had been little by way of customers that morning, but just before twelve, this woman walks into my shop. Five foot seven inches tall, slim but not fragile, with the longest plaited ponytail I have ever laid eyes on, wearing a plaid skirt, workboots and a black vest top. She searched around the walls, looking for something, and like the professional I am, I saw this, and asked if I could help, and it was only then that she turned toward me, and the full force of her smile smacked me clean in the head.

I was able to retain my composure pretty well (mostly because, and I do not mean this to sound as ridiculous as it might seem, but I am more than a bit of a monk in this regard), and managed not to drool, or jabber or any of the other idiotic things people often do. Turned out, she worked around the corner from me, and her boss had sent her out for a mop head, which we sell as part of the hardware section of our stores stock. I sold her the stuff she needed, and away she went.

Couple of days later, me and a friend of mine were out at a bar. It was pretty busy in there, and none the less, when I went out for a smoke, I had no problem spotting her across the crowded courtyard out back. We got to talking over drinks and cigs, and time passed by so fast... She had to go, and I went back to my buddies place for the evening. I spent the entire time between then and the next time we met, wishing to good God that I had asked for her number.

It was barely a week before she was back in my shop, looking for bits and bobs for work, but this time, before leaving, not only did she give me her number, but she invited me to a barbecue. It was shortly after this that we had our first sexual encounter, after which it became apparent that she was just not into relationships as an idea. This was a problem for me, because being around her made me insanely happy, and I'm a traditional kind of a fellow to a degree. Thusly, I came to the first choice in our long association. Was I to cease my interest in her, knowing I could never have her in mind body and soul, the way my upbringing suggested would have been right. Or was I to continue to consort with this woman, in the knowledge that despite the sorrow of never being able to ask for more, I would have the joy of her companionship.

I chose to continue our association.

Fast forward to now, and after five years, after carrying her home from the pub on countless occasions, after her getting herself into scrape after bother, after scrape, out of which I have either pulled her, or after which I have nursed her back into some sense of normalcy, helping her with her house, and in one instance saving her life, I have finally come to a point where I cannot legitimately continue to associate with her.

She returned from a recent excursion to the Northern climes of the isles, and upon her return, she called me, inviting me to a bar of our mutual preference, to introduce me to a new "friend" of hers. I have known many of her male friends over the years, but the man I met that night... Well, he was this guy:
ukpaedos-exposed.com...

And the reason I knew this man? He taught me at school. I remembered his face from both school, and a local newspaper, in which his perversions were made public, years after I had left education. I gathered as much intel as I could on the man, the local news website, the above link, and my own personal take on the fellow (who was a creep when I knew him), before alerting her to his true nature. When I did, she seemed intent on breaking all contact with him, and I thought the matter closed.

This week, I met with her at an open mic night, attended by various people with whom both she and I associate. She and I purchased drinks, and sat down to enjoy the evenings entertainments, when she told me that despite my warnings about this man, she had been seeing him, and that he "looks after her really well".

I have been through an awful lot with this woman. We have history, and I value that history. But I think that now the time has come to cut ties with her. She is an intelligent woman, and I know that she is aware of the predatory nature of offenders like him, their ability to manipulate people, to gather about themselves the trappings of legitimacy. I have offered her the proof of this mans wrong doing, and knowing all that, she has still decided to associate with the bastard. I guess the only question is, do I give her an ultimatum, one more chance to leave the bastardly bugger to his own devices, or do I merely tell her straight "woman, this is too messed up, even for me, see ya!".

It seems cliche, but even as much as I knew that this woman isn't the most...reasonable sometimes, I never thought it would come to this.

Anyway guys, sorry to have bought such crappy tidings to the boards, but I really needed to just... Let it out. For one thing, you guys are like a second family to me, and I suppose it's only right that you ought to know what's going on with me. For another, I respect you all, and your opinions, and I need to know what you people think about what's happening, whether you maybe have any ideas that I haven't had, that might be better than my own with regard to navigating this absolute crapstorm. Thanks for reading.

reply to post by TrueBrit

Yes that is quite a situation. I think maybe the best thing you can do is just to be there if and when she realises her mistake and asks for forgiveness for not listening.
Thats what a real friend would do.

Brit,


In situations such as this, I'd like to think I'd give the benefit of the doubt, and give her one last chance.. Of course I could be wrong as in the phrase "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me." I'm the type though, whos very passive in nature, and one who isn't really afraid to get my heart broken, as its happened multiple times in my life. Take that as you will. If I were in your position, I'd attempt to reiterate to her how dangerous people like him are one last time. Give her the ultimatum that if she chooses to continue to socialize with the pedophile, you're gone. Ask her what she really wants out of life and out of your relationship...

This all may be wrong as it comes, but thats how I see things

-King


PS - You said she's not the type of girl whos interested in starting a family, and you are that type of guy.. Would it be in your better interest if you're currently interested in a family to move on? Casual sex can only take you so far

jeez post it in the short stories section.

you ... ah i didnt read, but i'd guess its your fault.

Just walk away.

I've seen this before. And it never turns out well.

OneManArmy, kingofYo, grey, thanks for your input. I need to deal with this the right way, and every bit of useful interaction I can get on this matter is going to help me out.

King, on the subject of your PS, you know, I thought about this way back, and if I was going to let the matter of our differences about the future, mess with our relationship, then I ought to have turned away at the outset. To do so on that basis now would be...improper. But on the other hand, it's not the only factor involved.

I don't want to leave her totally unsupported, but at the same time, I cannot accept this crap after all this time.

I say give her the ultimatum - That way, you've made your point very clear, and whatever happens next is no longer your fault.

If there's one thing I learned from watching over people at parties, it's that if they are too stubborn to see what you are hoping to prevent, then they will just go through with it. So in this case, let her see this guy, as eventually, his true colors will be revealed in one way or another. Also, don't just give her the ultimatum; make sure that you are still there to get her out of trouble, should it arise (while I don't advocate violence of any kind - make sure that the guy is aware that if he hurts her, that it will come back to haunt him...if you know what I mean). Eventually, she may see the error of her ways, and that you were actually the one helping her out the most.

-fossilera

reply to post by TrueBrit


Some further advice. If you really like this person call her and tell you wish to have a serious conversation with her.

Tell her you love her/like her very much. However your choices are not something you can accept. And that you wish her a very happy life but you're moving on.

If she really wants to be with you she will come back to you and make changes.

If she doesn't... well it wasn't meant to be.

good luck

TrueBrit
OneManArmy, kingofYo, grey, thanks for your input. I need to deal with this the right way, and every bit of useful interaction I can get on this matter is going to help me out.

King, on the subject of your PS, you know, I thought about this way back, and if I was going to let the matter of our differences about the future, mess with our relationship, then I ought to have turned away at the outset. To do so on that basis now would be...improper. But on the other hand, it's not the only factor involved.

I don't want to leave her totally unsupported, but at the same time, I cannot accept this crap after all this time.

This:
“I have offered her the proof of this mans wrong doing, and knowing all that, she has still decided to associate with the bastard.”
And this:
“when she told me that despite my warnings about this man, she had been seeing him, and that he "looks after her really well".

Should tell you everything you need to know. You are being used. It may sound harsh, but she’s not going to change as long as you are around to pick up the pieces.

I'm so sorry. This sounds absolutely awful...

Tell me, if you let it slide, like everything else, if you stand by to pick up the pieces should they fall (knowing eventually they will), what then, my friend, becomes of YOU? How close do you want to be to this other man - knowing how close they are? It is not that something is 'unforgivable,' it is that it is self-destructive, self-indulgent, and well, frankly causing pain to you. I don't have a solution, though, just these few thoughts. You already know what to do, TrueBrit. You really do.





peace to you,

AB

reply to post by TrueBrit


Wow, what a tough situation. It sounds like she has a bit of a self-destructive streak and it may be healthier for you to break away. On the friend level, I would like to say that you should be there for her if and when she splits from the guy, but you may be too emotionally attached to be her friend through that and still keep yourself open for other romantic relationships that might be better for you.

reply to post by TrueBrit


After the lengthy intro, which I skimmed at best because I don't like to waste my time or others.

You already have your answer, do you know that?!

The story you typed, ITS Just A STORY! I doesn't mean anything, its the past and it is all just fluff.

Get out, Move on Now!, or BE Miserable and live in your disappointed past having to relive it again and again.

I said enough. Don't reply because I won't waste any more of my time on this, please.

You've already wasted enough time and emotions on this woman. If you want a serious relationship and not just a friend with benefits type deal, leave now. It's obvious you havn't been truly happy or content and with the pony tail chick, you arn't going to be. Put your time into something more meaningful. Find someone who will feel the same about you as you feel about them.

Do you really want to continue down this dead end road unfulfilled and hoping for something that will never change? No of course not! Your intuition is telling you to leave and find something better. I wish you all the best!!

Thanks very much for your frankness everyone. You have all given me a lot to think about, and I can feel my resolve forming on this issue as I do.

Thanks once again.

reply to post by TrueBrit


So....what'd you decide?

Heh hurt my brain just reading that.

Stay single, stay sane.

reply to post by Night Star


Basically, I am going to tell her that much as I care for her, I cannot continue to associate with her if she is going to consort with a blaggard like the fellow to whom she has so recently become attached. I shall inform her also, that her contact details will be removed from my various address books, on my mobile, and the internet, and if she DOES call me, and has not severed her ties with this vermin, then I shall have her numbers blocked from both my home, work and mobile phones.

If however, she does decide to see some sort of reason, then I will remain available to her in the normal way.

reply to post by TrueBrit


I think thats a great idea to be honest

I have mixed feelings here, and the first thing that keeps hitting me about it is that you don't have her in the first place. She's made that clear from the very beginning, and though you may want a more stable relationship, you have allowed the present situation to continue for years. You've never had an "exclusive," right? But you've thoroughly enjoyed your time behind the wheel, too, right?

So what is fundamentally different about her association with this Bad Guy(tm) other than the fact that he's a Bad Guy(tm)? And I don't understand what you will accomplish by making a big scene and proclaiming you will take her out of all your address books and disassociate from her. Look at it from her point of view:

She's seeing this other guy (The Bad Guy(tm)) whom she says takes good care of her. She's still seeing you, a "friend with benefits" of long standing, with whom she has had many adventures over the years, most sounding like drunken foillies, but hey. Maybe some other stuff, too, but it's not enough to make you her exclusive squeeze. So despite what you have said she is still seeing him, so now she hears from you that you are so upset with this that you are going to stalk off and never see her again. What is she going to think? That YOU think it's all about you, that if you withhold your affections, she will suddenly come running. (This is her thinking, not yours.) She is quite obviously getting more satisfaction from the Bad Guy(tm) than she is with casual encounters with you, so her solution is obvious. Sacrifice you.

So whatever is my point? That you don't need the drama on either side. She has already shown you her character, and has for years every time you carry her home. This is not someone you want an exclusive with anyway. So just walk away. Quietly do your erasures and let her puzzle it out. If she does take the initiative and seek you out to ask why, THEN tell her that her association with the Bad Guy(tm) has made you realize that there is nowhere for you to go in this relationship, that you now realize you are simply a casual friend with benefits to her, and that you want more than that from "a" relationship, and she isn't it.

More drama, even if you are right, does you no good.

reply to post by schuyler


Perhaps I failed to correctly communicate the nuance of our relationship as it stands. I can only assume so from the way you have referred to it. None the less, you have asked some questions which need addressing I feel.

First, there is no difference between this latest fellow, and others she has collected over the years, other than the fact that he is total scum, and whatever reputation she may enjoy in her social circles will surely be dashed asunder by an extended communion with him. I should point out that since I have known her, she has had several different male conquests, all of whom have come and gone in that time. I am the only man with whom she has held contact for more than two years since we met.

Furthermore, if I am to take my leave of this situation, then I will not do so silently. You see, I have no objection to drama, but I will not allow her to think that I have slinked off without a word. She needs to know exactly what is happening, and exactly why. She has ignored my warnings, perhaps she will find my absence slightly more difficult to cast aside.

I have been the one constant in her life for the last five years, and I think perhaps she has become rather to used to that scenario to take my word seriously.