My life is gone....

Get off yer @#$ soldier, put on some good clothes and get to the mall, do some window shopping, see a movie, try some foods you never would before, live....and live well.
You WILL trudge through this, but you will also come out the other side better for it.
Living well is the very best revenge...it is also the best medicine too.
Remember, the better you look, the better you will feel, this is a fact.

Take up hanggliding! What have you got to lose?

I'm being serious here.

Be That Guy...:


soulwaxer

reply to post by SloAnPainful


Wow you got rolled big time. Buy a six pack of beer and take the rest of the week off.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


I am 44 years old. I understand pain on every level you can conceive. Life is about living, and along the way you learn. We are emotional and social creatures. No one wants to be alone, and everyone wants to be accepted and loved. That is just the way it works. We are hardwired that way.

Sometimes relationships don't work. You hurt badly when they are over. You feel lost because you spent all this time and emotion trying to build something that in the end, wasn't conducive to true happiness for either one or both parties.

But, although a relationship might end, you will make it through. You will make it through with the memory of good things, and know that later something will come along that will fill the hole. This is all a part of life, we must walk on.

What did you learn from your love? Take the good, take what you learned... and continue life... the holes do get full, and someday you will want to eat again. But for now, eat to sustain life, because people do love you and need you. Cry whenever you want, and be mad whenever you want.

But walk on... because your purpose has yet to be fulfilled. You will find the love of your life someday, and I am sorry for your pain and your sorrow.

I found the love of my life at 43... before that, I endured much pain. But I walked on, because the love of my life was waiting for me to find him.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


I don't normally post on ATS anymore, but saw this, and figured I would comment. I was married for 13 years, got married at 18, was with the girl since I was 15. and she left me at 31.

The first thing I experienced was denial. She isn't leaving, ok, she might leave but she is coming back. wth is she thinking kinda thing.

Next was anger, ok fine she wants to leave and date other people, fine, I am gonna date other people--- This is a bad advice to do, cause quit honestly, I was too broken to be worth anything, to anyone, and I spent most of the time using the woman as therapist which really, kills the mood .

After the anger came the heart wrenching pain of I lost her, I want her back, and I will do everything to do so. ---Doing everything and anything to do so usually doesn't work, and to be honest this isn't the movies where you comes running back. In my experience, She claimed I was too closed off, and never participated in the family anymore. well I opened myself up completely, and watched day after day after day after day as she beat me to hell and back emotionally. I basically did this till the hurt of her leaving was replaced by annoyance, then anger, then finally rage.

Rage at her moving on, rage at having wasted 15 years of my life, rage at the new men in her life, rage at how she was treating me, rage at having to argue with her at every little thing. till finally I said enough, and I swore I would never, ever trust her with my heart again, decided the best thing for myself, my children and her was for her to just leave me the hell alone.

Loneliness- You wont stop feeling lonely for a while, that said though, stick with your family for a while, your hand for some gratification, and a dog for companionship. If you get to lonely and start mixing the 3 up. seek counseling, as the dog will start looking at you weird, and the family reunions get awkward.

I have been divorced for 4 years now. I will tell you, the pain in your chest, and ache in your heart does start to fade. The biggest mistake I made though was replacing it with anger, rage, and emotional dependence. The best advice I can give anyone, is don't do what I did. Using anger or rage to smother, and hide pain and suffering while it makes you stronger in the short term, is one hell of a burden to carry in the long term. Its ruff.

Lastly, some advice I can give, stay away from alcohol, its a downer, and will just make you feel like dog #. Alcohol boosts whatever mood your in. In this case your down, so it will drag you way down. Don't start smoking to calm you down, or take drugs, addictions wind up staying with you longer then the anger does.

Finally, someone mentioned working out. Doing this smartly actually helped me. my first work outs was pounding my fists into trees in the back yard crying out in frustration, while it did alleviating the pain, having my fist sore and bruised for the next 2 weeks made it hard to work. I recommend a going to a gym, and hitting a punching bag with gloves.

One other thing, talk to a therapist, just as you morn someone that dies, men typically morn the women that leave in the same way. a therapist told me that. You are going to experience the same cycle of pain that people that are morning someone they loved with.

Some days will be easy, others will be hard. Some will be so hard you cant take it a day at a time. Don't, take it an hour at a time, and if you cant a minute. Its ok to cry dude. that just shows you loved her, and she hurt you, but don't be a doormat. I read tons of articles about relationships, when my first wife left.

One mentioned this. A woman doesn't just leave. She will sit in a relationship for a long, long time getting more and more unhappy, till eventually she says enough. What I am trying to say is, don't go hog wild trying to win her back. She made her decision and unfortunately you both have to live with it now. Chances are extremely good, that no matter what you do, you will not get her back, she will not want to be with you, and after trying so hard it will only hurt more, much much more. Let her go, leave her alone, and concentrate on you. who are you? what are you? what makes you happy? focus on figuring out who you are. The relationship failed because 2 people failed. so heres the kicker, eventually you will be over this, and you will want to start a relationship with a woman who hasn't broken your trust, hasn't hurt you, and is actually interested in you for you.

What is the person that she is going to be interested in? someone hurt by a previous 8 year relationship, that cant move on- I.E. me---- or someone that learned what his mistakes were, that values and cherishes her for her, and tries very hard every day to be the best man that he can be.

Good luck bro, I know your hurting, its ok to hurt. its ok to cry, and its ok to talk to people. Don't know your religious preference but Priests and pastors are excellent free therapists. They can help you with this struggle, and remember, sometimes you got to just live 1 minute at a time. I promise you though, it will get easier, you will get through this, and you will be better for it.

reply to post by camain


Awesome post.

It could have been mine if I could communicate as well as you.

For me I am back with her but I feel it can never be the same. which is worse? I cant say.

To the OP, heed the above post he nailed it right on the head. Time and love lost is just that, sad but true.

You're a man so you get over it the manly way. Go out get drunk pick up some bar slut and get some booty. You will be feeling better the next day.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


Man up and move on! You can't force a woman to be with ya!

I hate to be the one to break it to you but she was probably having an affair and finally got the courage to leave. So do you give up? Keep chasing her? or focus on yourself? it's up to you mate.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


Soz to hear about your pain. If you loved her then the time you spent together is not wasted. Time spent loving is never wasted. Life is cruel sometimes but time will make things better. It takes time to gain your grounding again try to see the positive and positive things will come out in the end.

I split with my x about 7 years ago and I felt my life had ended. I thought I would never get anyone as loving,caring and understanding as her again. But I did and I was not even looking. The universe gifted me the most lovely girl in the world.
Now everything seems good again and me and my x are good friend too.

Life hurts us real bad sometimes but that pain can be our greatest growth..

Much love

purp..x)

If she treats you this way now whats it gonna be like 5 years into a marriage and commitment and she drops a bomb on yah?

Just live and let live a relationship shouldn't be a job where you meet all qualifications to a tee, but something you love doing and being with that person. I have spent my entire life trying to make others happy and now im 35 unhappy and confused.Whats worse is i have brought a child into the world and now i have to live for him instead of my own life. Maybe someday i can learn to be happy with my life and family. Dont find yourself in the same predicament make sure shes the one for you and your the one for her and move on if its not the case. Life is to short to race and be spent on others...


Sorry for being insensitive its just me in mirror telling you not follow the path i took.

I know it hurts but in all honesty it is better to happen now then when you guys are married. No worries about paying a divorce attorney or losing all your stuff. Did you have children together? If not that is a good thing too. No worries about joint custody or paying child support.

Time will heal your wounds. Being around friends and family is a big help also. Concentrate on working and bettering your life.

Go for a walk. Go to a concert. The most important thing is to get out of the house. What are your hobbies? Concentrate on them.

I like most people have been through this scenario before. I met this girl my first year of college that seemed to be pulled right out of my dreams. We were friends for a while and finally started to date. 3 years and we were going strong.

I became a police officer and moved out of my mother's house at 20. It was awesome having my own place. A couple weeks into being on my own she approached me and said that she wanted to move in with me and started to talk about marriage. I was loving life.

Then out of the blue about a week after bringing up marriage she breaks up with me. I swear I saw no sign of her changing feelings. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

Well about a month later I find out that while working 7 PM to 7 AM as a rookie patrol officer she was cheating on me with one of her co workers. They got married less then 3 weeks after she broke up with me.

With the stress of my job, being treated like I was a POS by the public due to my job, the crappy hours I worked and the loss of what I perceived to be "the one" I seriously almost ate a bullet. One of the worst times of my life. But with the help of friends and family I fought through my depression and won!

Now I have been with an amazing women for 5 years. She is so much better then my ex. I thought it would never happen but it did.

It will happen for you too. If you take anything away from my post be it this....I am not saying you are thinking about suicide, but if you are remember it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. "This too shall pass." Write that on your bathroom mirror if you have too.

PS My ex's marriage only lasted for about two months and ended with their divorce. Ahhh sweet Karma!

reply to post by SloAnPainful

I am sad for you, because I have been there and know how empty you feel. You need to hang in there it will get better. If you and she are meant to be she will come back to you. I would not push her, there must be a reason for her leaving you. Best wishes and you are not as alone as you feel.

The above post by The Oath Keeper is also great advice. I just read it after I posted this.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


i remember this thread 3 months ago where you said you started a new job and your wife went to visit her parents. You were finding it hard dealing with her gone and learning in your job.
You were with your wife 10 years, so im presuming that in the 3 months since then you got divorced and engaged? You must have known your fiancee more than 3 months, again im presuming. Or maybe it was a whirlwind romance? Either way you've had an eventful few months, no doubt.
Sounds like you could do with a break, although with a new job you wont get any time off yet.
Alls i can say is there's plenty more women out there for you, and don't be too hard on yourself. If it was'nt meant to be, it was'nt meant to be. C'est la vie...

It could be worse...

That has been my mantra for the past near 14 months after splitting with the woman I had Loved fifteen years to the day of when we first hooked up. She moved in with me the next day...it was college. We lived together for 13.5 years and did a long distance thing when I moved while she finished her degree. But our love was strong. We lived in four different metro areas bouncing around as her job prospects Improved.
We decided finally to start a family almost seven years ago. My boy just turned six and my daughter 3. I had an extremely part time job as her hours were wonky at best and she was required to travel. So I sacrificed any type of career to be the best father I could. We moved to PA on MLK day 2012. And all was well enough...I lost 70 lbs and was under 200 for the first time since jr. High. I quit binge drinking when she was around to watch the kids...I thought we were finally headed in the right direction. Then she dropped a bomb, you see, her brother had recently gotten a divorce. She then printed out an ultimatum sheet for me one of those being employment. Mind you, by now her hours were so uneven and the travel longer that I couldn't find an employer who could hire me...even with hiring a babysitter (which why work when your paycheck would just go to paying for said child care?). By that time, her mind had been made up a long time ago. I would catch her crying in the shower, she needed counseling just as I had underwent. She finally got it...but it was too late. I tried romance, I tried doing everything she asked of me...one of my best friends died mysteriously at 32 and I had to go back down to Georgia for his funeral. She wouldn't even hug me at the airport or ever during that time...I still fooled myself into believing it for another few months until I had just had enough and told her as much ironically on that day 15 years later...what did she do? She took the kids and ran. I tried to get an Amber Alert as I was their primary care giver, but guess what? That doesn't work for a man against his wife...she took the one thing away from me that was my life. Eventually, she then got me an apartment. And took out a protection from abuse order against me. I'd never laid a hand on her or abused her mentally...she wanted some kind of revenge because she had to work and I raised our kids...
I had never been on my own. Ever. My depression and anxiety skyrocketed to the point of my first suicide attempt in the past year. Eight cops came in and tazed and kicked the # out of me so bad they took pictures at the hospital. Looney bin for a week, met a wonderful woman there, we started dating that friday. Lesson #12: DO NOT under ANY circumstances date a woman you met at a looney bin! No matter how pretty, rich, successful, just DON'T. This really pissed off my ex. I was allowed short supervised visits with my children in public places. Typically with the nanny she hired, then au pair (like I said...crazy hours and travel). But she was not responding to my texts and emails...it was Thanksgiving week. I wanted to see them. I called. Big mistake. This time 12 cops bust down my door and haul me to jail. Leaving my back door open. My house was robbed in the twenty minutes it took my friend to come get my dog. Luckily they just made off with pills and cash and trashed the place. They set bail for a phone call that was never answered at $10,000. Crazy girlfriend was visiting her ex (don't ask) and was the only person I knew that could easily come up with a grand. So I spent Thanksgiving in county. They had my bail on Friday, but no one was working so I had to wait until five on Monday...the very last minute they will let out a prisoner. Did my probation paid my fines with what little I could scrape up and came home to a letter from her lawyer evicting me from my apartment in a month and giving me enough money to pay for gas for my car which I lived out of for a month.

Needless to say...broke up with crazy girl. Found a new girlfriend who is the best thing that ever happened to me. Finally am getting some court ordered spousal support. And though I know I have more turds ahead with the divorce. I'm done with all of the stages of grief and loss for who I was.

You might think your life is over right now and that life is...focus on creating a new and better one. It is he who has lost it all that has the Universe to gain. May the Infinite Compassion guide and calm you.

SloAnPainful
Hello ATS

I do not expect you to read this.

I was enaged to the best woman in the world, and she decidied to end it with me. I never did anything wrong, and if I did I would man up to it. I an torn apart.

I cant work, eat, think, my mind if focused in her. I love her and I an torn... I come to ATS with this because all the advice I've got so far has been crap, I know ATS members have been in me spot and I want thier opinon.

-SAP-

Don't worry my friend, life goes on.

Either you will forget about her over time, or you will come to accept the outcome, no matter how many years it takes. You have to realize that you can't control your life. You can not avoid the waves that come with the ocean, you can only learn to ride them.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


Right now, this will just piss you off, but later, you will think back of this and laugh.

No matter how bad, bleak, miserable, and just plain crappy it may seem right now, it will get better, you will meet the one you were meant to be with. Cry now, get it out. Drink some Tequila and get sick, whatever you need to do. (don't drive or go anywhere) And in a very small amount of time, everything will start to get a bit brighter. hate me now, but trust me later.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


At one time or another, everyone has been in your position.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

It sucks, but you can work through this. Hell, on this site we've had peoples family members pass on, we've had major injuries, brain tumours, lost jobs, stolen livelyhoods.

But in each and every case, people find the inner strength to push forward and carry on.

Be bitter. Be angry. Get drunk. Get laid. Buy something really expensive. Spend a week on a tropical island and stare at beautiful women.

But DO something.

There.

My advice.

reply to post by SloAnPainful


Hey Brother,

I'm sorry for your loss. I know people will be giving you a slew of responses. How much weight any of it gives is up to you.

Nothing ends for "no" reasons, whether "you" did or did not do anything is not the question. It was the significant other's decision to end it not yours. Life doesn't always give a reason and nor does a significant other, sad and true.

Where one door closes 3 more open, even when you think your in the dark, "You are never alone".

Whatever happened, it happened for a reason.

I know I talk to you briefly sometimes via, thread responses and third person reading text is impersonal at best. However, I just wanted to tell you, I care about you, as a person, I care about all ATSer's even though I don't "Know" any if not through the threads we chat. It doesn't make me stating it any less valid.

I wish you and everyone only the best that life has to offer.

In short, I love you in the most brotherly way possibly

Best regards, your friend~

Nathan

P.S.~ I got into a big blowout with my fiance' on Sunday, it wasn't to good, we are both hard headed and when she starts I won't stop until I prove a point. I'm lucky I didn't keep going because I would be sitting empty handed with a ring and my daughter on the weekends. Anyways, I hope you recoupe and get back up!

Remember, It's not how many times you get hit, it's how hard you can keep getting hit and keep getting back up... ~From some Rocky movie

SloAnPainful
Hello ATS

I do not expect you to read this.

I was enaged to the best woman in the world, and she decidied to end it with me. I never did anything wrong, and if I did I would man up to it. I an torn apart.

I cant work, eat, think, my mind if focused in her. I love her and I an torn... I come to ATS with this because all the advice I've got so far has been crap, I know ATS members have been in me spot and I want thier opinon.

-SAP-

Look at what you wrote above: You started off sarcastically ( "I dont expect you to read this....). Then you went into a defensive moment ("I never did anything wrong"). Continuing, you morphed into despair ("I cant work, eat, think...etc"). Then you went into judgemental-defensive denial "(All the advice I got so far has been crap").

I think I see what the issue may have been. You need to look at things her way, to understand the "why". There were reasons obviously. And probably hints along the way you either missed, ignored, or denied. And now here you are.

Good luck to you

reply to post by mysterioustranger


And the Doctor Phil moment is presented to us by..... mysterioustranger!!!!