Happily divorced! IS MARRIAGE REALLY WORTH IT??

Ok, so let me start by saying he left over 3 years ago. I asked him to stay, I asked him to seek marriage counseling. He refused, he was set on leaving. I caught him cheating on me with a girl at the firehouse where he volunteers. Before he left I assured him he would come back and beg me to get back together and that I would say no. At the time he only smiled and didn't say anything. Time went by and I started dating this other guy (E) and my ex (F) realized he made a mistake and he wanted to save our marriage. How selfish!
I had the pleasure to look at him in the eye and tell him "it is too late, I moved on".
Our divorced was final January this year and I am happier than ever. I have been dating Eric for almost 3 years, he is my other half. My kids are well, I am going to school and working so life is busy.
Now, my bf(E) accepts my ideas, shares conversations and books with me. He tries to make me happy in every sense. We are both 26 and doing well.
The only problem is I don't know if I will ever be ready to get married again. I think about marriage as an unhappy union, something forced by a piece of paper. The more I think about it, the more it scares me...
As I saw (F) grow into a monster, does marriage really change people? Does it make us sour?
I am afraid of marriage and I think I just want to have a boyfriend.
Is there anything good about marriage?

reply to post by denyego26


Every marriage is different, and just because one marriage went sour it doesn't mean another would follow suit. Do not blame your current love for the mistakes of another. Be willing to have an open heart- and then follow it. Life is too short to waste a moment in fear of what could happen.

I hate to hear about the problems you had with your ex. If you are 26 now he was probably in his early twenties when you got married. I really don't believe men are mature enough in their twenties and part of their thirties to be able to mentally sustain a healthy relationship.

I was engaged 3 times before I got married. If I would have gotten married those other times I would have gotten divorced. I loved those girls. I just didn't really know who I was or what I wanted.

I've knew my wife 9 years before we started dating. When we started dating I knew something was different, we knew we could not live without one another. The other girls I had lived, but my wife and I kept seperate places till we got married. Not for religious reasons, but to please our parents. We work together and do everything together. We basically spend 24/7 with each other. Sometimes we argue, but that usually ends in tears and us saying we don't want to fight.

I wish more men would wait until there thirties to get married. Even forties.

I hope you are happy now. Enjoy your age and date. Date as much as possible. When and if you ever decide again to remarry take your time and make sure he is mentally ready to be together forever.

littled16
reply to post by denyego26

 

Every marriage is different, and just because one marriage went sour it doesn't mean another would follow suit. Do not blame your current love for the mistakes of another. Be willing to have an open heart- and then follow it. Life is too short to waste a moment in fear of what could happen.

All the women I know aren't that happy in their marriages. Men cheat, women cheat. I guess the question is why get married? It is so much easier to split with someone who doesn't own half of the house and one of the cars, no judge is involved on how to solve certain issues, you are the only judge. If you are married is such an agony to finalize all paperwork.
But you are right, I can't waste my life in fear.
Thank you

I think in many relationships, after a while one gets taken for granted and the grass always looks greener on the other side. I have been married for 34 years and after all those years and still getting along, he decides he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

Thing is, neither of us can afford a divorce or to seperate. Kind of strange looking at the man who has been my husband all these years as a room mate. Sad, very, very sad. Even his family and friends think he is crazy for wanting to leave.

There are no guarentees married or not. Some re-marry and live happily ever after and some don't. Being married though will allow the other spouse to make medical decisions for you if you are ever unable to do so yourself.

RammerJammer
I hate to hear about the problems you had with your ex. If you are 26 now he was probably in his early twenties when you got married. I really don't believe men are mature enough in their twenties and part of their thirties to be able to mentally sustain a healthy relationship.

I was engaged 3 times before I got married. If I would have gotten married those other times I would have gotten divorced. I loved those girls. I just didn't really know who I was or what I wanted.

I've knew my wife 9 years before we started dating. When we started dating I knew something was different, we knew we could not live without one another. The other girls I had lived, but my wife and I kept seperate places till we got married. Not for religious reasons, but to please our parents. We work together and do everything together. We basically spend 24/7 with each other. Sometimes we argue, but that usually ends in tears and us saying we don't want to fight.

I wish more men would wait until there thirties to get married. Even forties.

I hope you are happy now. Enjoy your age and date. Date as much as possible. When and if you ever decide again to remarry take your time and make sure he is mentally ready to be together forever.

You have a great point. We were young. I was 17 and he was 22 when we met. He was just such a different person, he was pleasant unlike now he is scary to a certain extent. Not that I fear for my life or nothing like that but he acts like such a jerk. All he does is give me threats and he is now 30.
I am happy with the guy I am with now, he cooks! lol
I will keep your advise in mind.
Thank you!

Night Star
I think in many relationships, after a while one gets taken for granted and the grass always looks greener on the other side. I have been married for 34 years and after all those years and still getting along, he decides he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

Thing is, neither of us can afford a divorce or to seperate. Kind of strange looking at the man who has been my husband all these years as a room mate. Sad, very, very sad. Even his family and friends think he is crazy for wanting to leave.

There are no guarentees married or not. Some re-marry and live happily ever after and some don't. Being married though will allow the other spouse to make medical decisions for you if you are ever unable to do so yourself.

I am sorry you are going through that. I am able to live with my parents for now until I get a career. I could not live with (F). If it was up to me I would never speak to him again but we have 2 kids who are my reason to wake up every morning and smile. My pride doesn't exist if it would interfere with their happiness, so I keep to myself.
34 years is a long time, I was heart broken when he left but as everyone told me... I had a weight taken off my shoulders and I am able to fly now. So I fly, you should try it.
-Denyego26

reply to post by denyego26


Think I'll be flying solo. I don't know if I could ever trust again. If I meet someone fine but I'm not even looking. Thanks and much luck to you with Eric and your new future together.

Night Star
reply to post by denyego26

 

Think I'll be flying solo. I don't know if I could ever trust again. If I meet someone fine but I'm not even looking. Thanks and much luck to you with Eric and your new future together.

Thank you!!
btw I have trusting issues also but I explained to him who I am and he is ok with the whole package, as he says in a not very romantic but funny way...
he wants the milk, the cow, and the calves lol

reply to post by denyego26


For you - no!

Marriage is a commitment that can be broken, but people living together break up too. So does that mean we don';t drive cars because people die in them?

I think you need more counselling to be honest, if you were happier than ever and over it you wouldn't be pouring your guts out on ATS this way !

Think about that one!

you escaped death row.

Marriage seems very overrated to me and - as of present - I have no plans to enter into such a contract. There is just too much baggage that comes with marriage to make it worthwhile in my opinion. Sure, there are some pleasant advantages, but there are also some harsh realities - especially when things don't work out. Most people claim "that their marriage is different and will stand the test of time" but there are so many examples of this not being the case. The truth is that life circumstances and people do change over time, so be prepared for your relationship to change as well!

Dark Ghost
Marriage seems very overrated to me and - as of present - I have no plans to enter into such a contract. There is just too much baggage that comes with marriage to make it worthwhile in my opinion. Sure, there are some pleasant advantages, but there are also some harsh realities - especially when things don't work out. Most people claim "that their marriage is different and will stand the test of time" but there are so many examples of this not being the case. The truth is that life circumstances and people do change over time, so be prepared for your relationship to change as well!

I was one of those who claimed my marraige would stand the test of time. I would defend marraige fiercely and get pissed when people would put marraiges down.I was proud of my long lasting relationship and never dreamed my husband wouldn't want to grow old with me.

Then again there are people who have had lasting second marraiges. No one knows for sure. It is a chance we all take and can only hope for the best.

reply to post by MadMax9


This is counseling no?

AthlonSavage
you escaped death row.

It sure sounds like I did!!

Dark Ghost
Marriage seems very overrated to me and - as of present - I have no plans to enter into such a contract. There is just too much baggage that comes with marriage to make it worthwhile in my opinion. Sure, there are some pleasant advantages, but there are also some harsh realities - especially when things don't work out. Most people claim "that their marriage is different and will stand the test of time" but there are so many examples of this not being the case. The truth is that life circumstances and people do change over time, so be prepared for your relationship to change as well!

Relationships are very difficult, that's why I ask myself if it's really worth it. No wonder why there are so many cat ladies lol
Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

Depends on you. If you have the mindset that it wouldn't work, then it won't work no matter what. My first marriage was not very good. Some good memories, but not a healthy relationship overall. Been married to second wife for seven years and it's completely different. Perfect relationship, really.

I bet you will know when the time comes.

And the right relationship isn't really difficult at all...regardless of whether it is a marriage or something else.

My divorce shattered my world. I didn't know if I ever would marry again but after a string of relationships that i knew wouldn't work out I look at my current bf sometimes and find myself thinking about it. I guess it depends entirely on the people involved.

I used to be as cynical as they come when it comes to marriage. My first marriage was an abusive nightmare, and I swore it would never ever happen again. I swore of marriage for good. I would be the first to congratulate someone on a divorce. Marriage was for idiots, and I didn't need a man nor did I want one.

Then one day some guy came along and turned my whole world upside down and completely changed my way of thinking when it came to marriage. The last thing I wanted when i met him was a relationship. He was a friend, plain and simple. The one day when I was driving in the car, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved him and couldn't live with out him. Of course my first thought was "Oh gawds, somebody slap some sense into me please!" About 6 months later I finally told him. A few weeks after that we were engaged.

As I type this, I am sitting here pissed off as hell at him from from a fight we just had, but I'll tell you, he is worth it. He is the only guy on earth that could have made me give marriage a second chance.

moral of the story, there is always that one, that can get you to go against a firmly held belief and screw your life up, in a good way of course. Even if you want to strangle them sometimes.

denyego26
Ok, so let me start by saying he left over 3 years ago. I asked him to stay, I asked him to seek marriage counseling. He refused, he was set on leaving. I caught him cheating on me with a girl at the firehouse where he volunteers. Before he left I assured him he would come back and beg me to get back together and that I would say no. At the time he only smiled and didn't say anything. Time went by and I started dating this other guy (E) and my ex (F) realized he made a mistake and he wanted to save our marriage. How selfish!
I had the pleasure to look at him in the eye and tell him "it is too late, I moved on".
Our divorced was final January this year and I am happier than ever. I have been dating Eric for almost 3 years, he is my other half. My kids are well, I am going to school and working so life is busy.
Now, my bf(E) accepts my ideas, shares conversations and books with me. He tries to make me happy in every sense. We are both 26 and doing well.
The only problem is I don't know if I will ever be ready to get married again. I think about marriage as an unhappy union, something forced by a piece of paper. The more I think about it, the more it scares me...
As I saw (F) grow into a monster, does marriage really change people? Does it make us sour?
I am afraid of marriage and I think I just want to have a boyfriend.
Is there anything good about marriage?

edit on 16-10-2013 by denyego26 because: (no reason given)

Who needs a piece of paper to say you love each other not me not anyone
in my opinion
but each to their own
my advice would be just vow yourselves to each other that should be enough