Things NOT to say to people with Cancer...

Cigarettes are labeled as causing cancer. Diesel oil has a warning that says used oil skin contact causes cancer in laboratory animals. Someone wanted grilled and baked foods to have warnings of their carcinogenic content they accumulate from having been heated that they don't contain raw, grilled steak has the highest count while bread had almost the lowest and that's mainly from the crust. It's safe to assume that fire causes cancer. Burning things and putting them into your body isn't healthy. That's why you have cancer.

research100
reply to post by OpinionatedB
[moreis

don't keep beating yourself up over this, you did the best you could at the time, can't ask for more. Cancer sucks...for the patient, the family, the friends.....

I totally agree with this!!

You know, so often I hear people blaming themselves for saying or doing something or for not saying or doing something. We do the best that we can and shouldn't expect to be perfect. The cancer patient knows you love them and only wish the best for them and will be by their side every step of the way and that is enough. It is truly is.

Towards the end, we make them as physically and emotionally comfortable as we can. It's ok to cry, it is only normal. We can only be so strong after being warriors for so long. Afterward, turn to your support system, your family and friends and ATS family who will be there for you to help you put one foot ahead of the other and continue on. It's what your loved one would want.

I pray for courage and strength for all of us here.

People say those things because they get freaked out and don't know what to say. Being confronted with someone's mortality slaps them in the face. I know because my mother went through the same thing. She heard those guestions for ten years.

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


Hi, I nominate you for an Ask Me Anything thread.

If you don't mind answering, what would be an appropriate thing to gift a cancer patient that they can actually do during their down times. Small, simple, easily transported, occupies the mind. Crossword puzzles and friendship bracelet making stuff is all I have come up with. Or just coloring pages. What would you like to do/be able to do? Thanks.

Im truely sorry buddy..............what else can one say......
i am slowly dying of old age, and find it to be a similar situation.....though no serious C word has surfaced yet.... other disabilities have.....i have no patent homilies to offer....
There have been times wheni would have accepted anything else that didnt nessessarily involve as much pysical pain,....but
..................s

My 5 year old daughter finished chemo about 2 months ago. One of the things that I loved/disliked to hear from the doctors was "IF THERE IS A CANCER YOU WANT TO GET, IS THIS ONE".
Are you #$@$$% kidding me?
Well, it is the most treatable per say but hellooo!! My three year just got diagnosed (2 years ago).
And, the most uplifting words to me were always the ones with hope, like "my niece had Leukemia and she is 18 now, doing great. Everything will be ok."
Also, when I shaved my head I didn't like the sad faces people would make. I was happy I did it, my daughter wanted to always be like mommy so when I shaved before she lost her hair, she felt as though she did me a favor my losing it lol so we could look the same.

reply to post by Cancerwarrior


My dad,brother, and aunt had cancer. So I understand this, op. Even now, I don't know what to say to anyone that has cancer, so I say very little to them other than, I got your back. Anything you need, I'm there.

I have multiple sclerosis. I've had people tell me that brain and spine lesions will disappear if only I would eat a raw food diet or read this or that book. On my worst day of pain, I have had people tell me "but you look okay".

My heart, and understanding for what you are battling, go out to you OP, but I sure don't have any answers or anything smart or really helpful to say.

I read through all of the posts so far, and I was brought to tears. I am so sorry for the suffering each one of you has had to endure. No, I cannot imagine, but, I can empathize.

I have a lot of health issues, but my main one is severe spinal problems. I have been "legally" disabled for 7 years, and I still try to drag my butt to work every week. No, I am not suggesting anyone else do that, I am saying I do that. For lots of reasons, financial, and otherwise.

I don't talk a lot about it. Probably the only person who *really* knows what I have gone through is my husband. Sure, some other folks know bits and pieces, but that's all. For the most part, you are all right. Most people just don't care, they don't want to hear about it, and when they do, they simply don't know what to say.

So, they say stupid things. I really don't blame them, I am afterall, telling them my problems. One lesson I learned is, when people ask, "How are you?", they really don't want the truth. I usually don't tell the truth, either. Not because of any care about being Pollyanna or a martyr, or anything else, but because the emotional drain on ME to go through this discussion is just too draining. It's too much. Sometimes, in my path to where I am, I would be... what I would call... cruel.

I would look someone straight in the face and tell them the blunt truth. In a way that was unavoidably confrontational, and left them with their jaws hanging open. I would stand there watching them in their discomfort, and enjoy it, then walk away. I don't even know why I did it. Sometimes, people say things like, "You really should go to the doctor!", and when I reply with something like, "I did, and all he did was increase my dilaudid to 8mg, and tell me to suck it up, this is your life!", they just don't know what to say. Perhaps a second, third, fifth, opinion? It is what it is. I really love it when people say, "I couldn't tell by looking at you!" That one has to be tops on most lists.

I did want to say, the comments about the grieving process, so true, and for more than just cancer patients. It has been something I have gone through maybe 8 times or so. Each stage I reach where I have an unavoidable change in my life direction, I find myself going through it again. The most recent and hardest was when I realized I was beginning to lose control of my bladder and sometimes my bowels. This was a hard, hard, thing to face. I was in my 40's, and had to wear protection 24/7. So yep. I learned some ways to control it to a degree, but thankfully, never had an accident in front of anyone but my husband. That was truly embarrassing enough in itself.

Each time, for me, going through that grieving process, I have to redefine my life, who I am, and accept and learn to cope with new, and permanent, physical limitations and changes.

I can barely walk. I used to be angry. Then I got jealous. Never did the bargaining thing, I figured out that doesn't work. After finally accepting it, I sit now, and just look at people walking, how automatic it is for them, and how I took it for granted.

I took a lot for granted. Walking, being able to bend over and pick up dirty clothes, being able to stand and cook, or wash dishes, empty the dishwasher, and now, even folding clothes from the dryer. If I put my arms over my head for any length of time, I will pass out. What seemed like the simplest things in life simply exhaust me. It takes a LOT to just take a shower. Haven't been able to sit in a bath in I don't know how long. Can only sleep one my sides, and then about an hour-hour and a half and I wake from hip pain and must roll over. I haven't slept over 2 hours without waking in years.

You see, I have a lot to complain about, but I really don't. I keep it to myself so as not to burden others. I have even had people say to me, "No matter how bad it is, there is someone going through worse."

Yeah. I know this. But ya know what? I have to live my life, not theirs. I have empathy, my sympathy is for the suffering and pain for any man, woman, or child. When I say I am sorry for your suffering, I mean it from the bottom of ny soul, because no matter how much better, or how much worse it is than mine, I can only relate from mine. And if it is even 1/10 of mine, I shed real tears for you.

For someone who has never really suffered, they cannot imagine, sympathize, nor really empathize, because they have no experience to base it from. This is why groups of like people for support are good, because they get it.

Don't fault those that have been lucky to escape any real suffering. If you can, be happy for them, not jealous, or angry, or bitter, it is really wasted energy. Of course, most people have to learn that the hard way, even though they will eventually find out I am right. Not going to say I told ya so, only, welcome home, welcome to some peace.

Talk only to those who really love and care for you, because most people cannot be bothered. If anyone read this whole message, now you know why I make that claim.

I just re-read my message before hitting post, and it seems to come across as bitter, but I am not. Resigned, maybe, but decidedly, I have chosen to take the path of getting the best I can out of life, though it is quite miserable a lot of the time. I engage in a lot of escapism through art, reading, and other ways. And, meditation really does help some with the pain. The pain, however, never goes away. Some days are a full bag of marbles, and others are only one or two marble days. But, I wake each day and see the sun, rain, or snow, and for whatever reason I am here, I just glad I am.

I have had resignations about posting this, but what the hail. Hate it or love it, agree or disagree, it is my life, and I have to live it. I really try, even on one marble days, to get the best out of each day that I can.

Here is wishing you all a full bag of marbles day!

reply to post by mattsawaufo

Cigarettes are labeled as causing cancer. Diesel oil has a warning that says used oil skin contact causes cancer in laboratory animals. Someone wanted grilled and baked foods to have warnings of their carcinogenic content they accumulate from having been heated that they don't contain raw, grilled steak has the highest count while bread had almost the lowest and that's mainly from the crust. It's safe to assume that fire causes cancer. Burning things and putting them into your body isn't healthy. That's why you have cancer.

You could'nt be more wrong.

Melanoma is when your melanocytes (pigment skin cells) start mutating and attacking the body.

I guess you know more than every Melanoma Oncologist I have ever talked to? From the aim at Melanoma website:

Effective prevention of melanoma is two-fold: First, reduce and limit UV (ultraviolet) exposure both from natural sunlight and artificial (e.g., tanning beds) sources; Second, identify and diagnose melanoma as early as possible.

And grilling steaks causes cancer huh? Well I would still eat a nice juicy black angus steak if I thought I could hold it down.

The sun causes Melanoma, not smoking cigarrettes. So thank you for your very misinformed and pointless post.

reply to post by Ameilia

If you don't mind answering, what would be an appropriate thing to gift a cancer patient that they can actually do during their down times.

Well, I guess it really depends on what their interests are, personally I always liked reading old science fiction and military history and my sister or wife would always go to the library/bookstore and get some books for me before I went to stay in the hospital for treatments. I never really liked crossword puzzles or soduku or anything. Mainly movies, books, PS3 games and such. Stuff that requires just breathing for the main physical exertion.

I also have always liked archery and charcoal drawings also. I haven't been able to pull my bow back or anything for a long time now but I do enjoy getting out the parchments and drawing stuff (mostly old sailing boats it seems) helps pass the time.

reply to post by Tatanka

I have multiple sclerosis. I've had people tell me that brain and spine lesions will disappear if only I would eat a raw food diet or read this or that book. On my worst day of pain, I have had people tell me "but you look okay".

My heart, and understanding for what you are battling, go out to you OP, but I sure don't have any answers or anything smart or really helpful to say.

I have an Uncle that lives with MS. This guy used to be a track star and now he spends most of his time in a wheelchair in constant pain. So I really do understand what you're going through and you have my deepest sympathies.

That's really the best thing you can do for anyone that just tells you they just found out they have cancer. Like you said just let them know that you're there to listen to them or you want to help in some way.

Like I posted above. Heating and burning things causes cancer. Including the sun and melonoma as someone else pointed out. And to the guy who heard raw foods are safer, they are but the sun creates most foods. Look up what a carcinogen is, they are found in cooked foods and cigarettes among other things. But based on scientific observation eating the skin of a raw apple is probably still bad for you because it's been out in the sun. Grilled meats, sun exposure, used motor oil and cigarettes all known to cause cancer or cancer causing carcinogens. All have contact with extreme heat. They just haven't connected the dots yet. 

reply to post by Libertygal

I don't talk a lot about it. Probably the only person who *really* knows what I have gone through is my husband. Sure, some other folks know bits and pieces, but that's all. For the most part, you are all right. Most people just don't care, they don't want to hear about it, and when they do, they simply don't know what to say.

I guess its the same reason battlefield vets don't want to talk about the battlefield except maybe with other vets. Because nobody who has not been there can really understand what its like.

I did want to say, the comments about the grieving process, so true, and for more than just cancer patients. It has been something I have gone through maybe 8 times or so. Each stage I reach where I have an unavoidable change in my life direction, I find myself going through it again.

It seems every time the cancer comes back I feel like my life is totally out of control. Then I get angry and tempermental about having no control. Then I get sad and even more tired from being angry. Rinse repeat.

I took a lot for granted. Walking, being able to bend over and pick up dirty clothes, being able to stand and cook, or wash dishes, empty the dishwasher, and now, even folding clothes from the dryer. If I put my arms over my head for any length of time, I will pass out. What seemed like the simplest things in life simply exhaust me. It takes a LOT to just take a shower.

I can understand this totally. I have three dogs and they are all kinda big dogs and every day when I came home from work they were so happy to see me I would have to spend some time in the yard with them roughhousing and playing before they would let me go inside. I can't really walk them or play with them like I used to and I can tell they miss it but I miss it even more.

Speaking of the dogs, its funny how animals know whats going on even when you can't explain things to them. In some ways they are more intuitive and understanding than people are. My youngest dog is about two and was born blind. When the nausea won't stop and I'm so sick I can hardly move he will just sit next to me with his head or his paw in my lap. Its like he's saying "Yeah, I know you feel bad, but if you pet me and tell me what a good dog I am you'll feel better." When my walking is unsteady my oldest dog Sam will walk next to my leg and help balance me on my way to the bathroom or whatever and then he'll walk me back to the couch or the bed. No matter what room of the house I'm in he is always at my feet.

I'm truly sorry for the hell you have to go through. Nobody deserves having to deal with any long term debilitating illness.

reply to post by denyego26

Also, when I shaved my head I didn't like the sad faces people would make. I was happy I did it, my daughter wanted to always be like mommy so when I shaved before she lost her hair, she felt as though she did me a favor my losing it lol so we could look the same.

That's awesome!

Not that your daughter got cancer but that you shaved your head so she would not feel strange about it. You sound like an awesome mom.

I understand what you're saying about the doctors. Thing is with Oncologists is that they generally have to give out alot of really bad news to people. So when they have news like "Hey your daughter has cancer but its a good cancer!! (total oxymoron I know) they really are happy that they're not telling you something worse.

I had a very good Melanoma doctor when I went to Houston. I had just received a blood transfusion and was probably a month or so into the chemo when my doctor came in the room and told me the treatments were shrinking my tumors and it looked like they were dying.

"Well that's good news." is what I told her. But still, she was all giddy like a schoolgirl saying "No, you don't understand, I hardly ever get to give out good news like this to my patients and I just wanted to revel in it a moment.

When she said that I gained a new insight and respect for Dr.s and nurses that work in oncology.

mattsawaufo
Like I posted above. Heating and burning things causes cancer. Including the sun and melonoma as someone else pointed out. And to the guy who heard raw foods are safer, they are but the sun creates most foods. Look up what a carcinogen is, they are found in cooked foods and cigarettes among other things. But based on scientific observation eating the skin of a raw apple is probably still bad for you because it's been out in the sun. Grilled meats, sun exposure, used motor oil and cigarettes all known to cause cancer or cancer causing carcinogens. All have contact with extreme heat. They just haven't connected the dots yet. 

edit on 15-10-2013 by mattsawaufo because: (no reason given)

Do your posts have a point? I fail to see it if so.

I want to thank everyone for all the responses on this thread.

It's easy for me (and all of us I'm sure at times) to get down and depressed and feel alone. Knowing I'm not alone and there are many people in the same boat as I am is comforting in a weird sort of way.

Cancerwarrior
I want to thank everyone for all the responses on this thread.

It's easy for me (and all of us I'm sure at times) to get down and depressed and feel alone. Knowing I'm not alone and there are many people in the same boat as I am is comforting in a weird sort of way.

Yep, that is why I said a support group is a good thing, because they are all in the same boat. Even if you find one online, it helps me just to read the messages. Others might like to participate. But, at least you know they have been there, or maybe even about to start down that road you began long ago.

Sometimes, it even helps to lend encouragement to someone facing a frightening new thing. Just depends on you, and if you feel you have any energy to devote to that. If not, reaching out is okay, too. It may help to reach out in different ways, but I find it helps me the most just knowing there are people who understand. Heck, you did it here.

I guess that's the worst part, is feeling alone. No one understands, or seems to even want to take the time to. Some people have called it things like "misery loves company", or other ways to try to insult me, but I just have to disagree. My husband only understands because he has back problems, too, and if I didn't have that, I would go crazy. Still, it helps reaching out beyond him sometimes. For me, at least.

I guess you just have to find what works for you, and I know I didn't mind your rant. I felt it, understood it, and so did a lot of others. The best part? It gave each of us a chance to talk about it, share our stories, and know the person on the other end gets it.

Your dogs sound like they love you a lot. I know my cats do. I know those days I wake up sick, nauseated, massive headache, and can barely move, my cat is right by my side. She is a comfort, even when I feel the worst, because she takes my mind off it, if even for a few moments. We are both blessed with loving, instinctive pets.

I saw that you like to draw. I love art of all kinds. Remember when I said meditation helps? I found an art I am just exploring myself, and was going to make a thread about, but I will share it with you.

It is called "Zentangle". If you are not familiar, it is all about freestyle art, using doodles. There are a lot of patterns out there, videos as well, and obviously, people trying to make money off of it. But, you don't have to spend anything beyond some paper and a nice felt-tip 0.5 micron tipped pen, or even just an inkpen. You can take it wherever you want.

I have found this art form relaxing to both do, as well as to watch. I can get lost in a drawing for hours! It takes my mind off of my pain, and my mind just kind of goes free.

You can use the patterns online, or make your own. The best thing is, there are no rules. You can follow their instructions for learning if you like a type of structure, or do it any way you want. I personally prefer the freestyle form, non-structured. I think it is silly to say there are no rules, then go and make up a lot of rules!

Almost all Zentangle patterns are anywhere from 1-4 simple lines or dots. The patterns online show each step, and some look really complicated till you learn how it is done.

Check it out, it is really something, most of all, relaxing! This happens to be one of my favorite Zentanglers on youtube:

www.youtube.com...

If you can't watch videos, just google or bing Zentangle patterns.

A lot of the structured people use 3 x 5 cards, draw a dot in each corner, then connect the dots. Inside the box you just made, draw a "string", which is a random scribble. Then, start filling in the sections. That's it!

They sell books (you don't have to buy them, there are thousands of patterns free online) or make up your own, and I even like using Inkjoy colored pens, or my Prismacolor colored pencils. I draw all my patterns, then color them in. Kind of like making your own coloring book pages.

Hope that you try it and enjoy it!

reply to post by FlyersFan

Side note - You fought and survived melanoma?? that's one of the biggies! My husband had melanoma. They got his early. That's one nasty invention .. melanoma. Only a sadistic SOB could come up with inventing that.

That's another thing most people don't understand. Most folks just say cancer and lump them all together as the same thing.

It's really not that way though, Melanoma is by far one of the craziest, aggressive, and unpredictable cancers anyone can get. It is only 4 percent of all skin cancer cases but it is responsible for 80 percent of all skin cancer deaths so it's a very deadly disease. I really think it has something to do with the way the sun shines now, or maybe the ozone layer blocking UV light because melanoma rates have increased by eight times in the last thirty years. Its starting to become a more prevalent disease now and I'm even seeing a few commercials trying to promote awareness about it now.

When I was initially diagnosed I was having little nosebleeds and headaches that I just attributed to the dry Louisiana summers that we have now. They kept getting worse though, and it got to the point where taking three BC powders was doing absolutely nothing for the pain. I went to the emergency room one night when i woke up and couldnt open my right eye from the pain. I had a 5 cm mass in my Sphenoid/ethmoid sinus cavity. A CT scan revealed I had tumors in my head, neck, abdomen, lungs, everywhere really. So I went through 5.5 months of Interleukin chemotherapy. Normal chemo does absolutely nothing for Melanoma but piss it off, so they have to give you this other stuff with it called IL2 and it is horrible.

So not only did I get the standard chemo side effects but also I swelled up and turned completely red all over. All my skin peeled off and it looked like I had a sunburn. Horrible alternating bouts of diarrhea and constipation because your bodily fluids and intestinal bacteria are so out of whack. You have to be monitored while you get it, so I had to go to the hospital, stay there for a week or two getting chemo and then come home and rest for a few weeks. I did it for all 6 treatments and I really think one more would have killed me. The Dr. said that most people have to be taken off the iL2 at some point during the course of their treatment because the side effects are so bad and alot of people end up with dementia.

So normally when I tell people I have had chemo, they think they know what I'm talking about but they really have no idea how its one of the hardest things I've ever done.

I'm glad your husband is doing well now. Make sure you look him over for new moles every now and then and make sure when he is outside working he wears sunblock! My wife gets mad at me if i'm outside at all and I don't smell like coconuts.

reply to post by Libertygal


That is so weird because that is exactly how my wife always draws stuff when she doodles. I'll have to let her know that its an actual art.

Thank you for the video, I just watched the first one and it looks like some really interesting and pretty designs. Really I like charcoals and rough paper to use because I seem to make better pictures with messy medium. Or maybe I just like using messy medium better. Holding onto a pen is hard for any length of time but with the charcoal its easy especially after I get it all over my fingertips. I like to do mountain scenes, western type scenes, and harbors with boats in them. Sometimes though I'll just start sketching something and see what I end up with. Its good to do when I'm sick of watching TV or playing video games or reading.

Thanks again!!

Tatanka
I have had people tell me "but you look okay".

Doesn't that just drive you nuts?
I've heard .... but you look okay ... coupled with 'you are exaggerating'.