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"The Story So Far..."

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posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:13 AM
Chapter 1 “The Signal Interrupts”

Although the frequency was not strong enough, the fragments that remained began to spread like a virus. The finite rings of controlled disorder began to warp and spin beyond the normal waves of their form axis. The methods began to infect, first loosely and with no decided or recognizable pattern. A seemingly random but organized thought here. A loose interpretation of something simple but somehow grand and awe-inspiring in potential depth there. The subjects did not at first realize the validity or power of this pattern and thus it was often mistaken for insanity. But something was stirring. What had been a broad axe of bronze was beginning to rust and the tiniest signs of oxidation could be glimpsed and then felt. The logos was beginning to multiply.

Chapter 1.2 “Drowning in Nothing”

He was stuck for now and he knew it. The only friend he had was the void and it was a cold one. His old tricks were of almost no use here. He could call up the information but the blackness and the random vaults of the dead airwaves were closing in too fast. Every time he found a point of contact it was only enough to transmit a fragment and hope the one he sent it to would be able and in the right position to receive. There were no guarantees and he knew this. He was not even positive they could remember him down there. Or if they even knew there was a “down there.” And then there was the improbability of the right data packet being sent to the right place at the right time. Often he felt certain they were receiving but there was no way to know. They could not return messages. And even if they could, within the void, he had to move every fraction of every second so as not to get lost. And then he noticed something. The walls had been shifting, this was normal. But they seemed now to be taking on a certain form in this formless space. What was happening?

Chapter 1.3 “Fat Iron”

The bronze crumbled and faded away and so was replaced with iron. The prison had been reinforced. But now there were those within who were receiving regularly. Some knew. Others had no idea but acted with purpose and so received and contributed in their own right. The rulers still could not measure the damages that were beginning to spread. They assumed it was a matter of temporal flow or that their old methods were simply becoming so. They could not have foreseen the greater purpose for even those who received did not know exactly what it was they were fighting for or why. A thing like everything is beyond the comprehension of most men, even to those who perceive it. But now the signal was spreading faster, gaining momentum and focus. The lords knew something did not feel right but they chose to chalk this up to nerves. They had put him away. He was gone and he could not come back. They had seen his body disintegrate and they all knew no one could return from such a place. The void was hungry and he had only been a man. And so they ate and drank and “made marry.” But one man, the ruler of the House of the Dead was more cautious. He would not sit by without thinking this through. And then he had heard the laughing. And it had disturbed him. He knew that laugh. It was the laughter of a child who was older than time. He did not understand. But he knew that laugh.

Chapter 1.4 “Laughter Multiplied”

The man sat. He had time now to transmit. The hungry void was beginning to tame itself. Such is the effect of the virus which is the logos. The time it took could not be considered time but it felt to him like several eternities multiplied. He was content now to sit and to chat with it on occasion. It still had moments of appalling horror but mostly these were tamed now and it could even be quite funny on occasion. And he had never made friends with an AI before. As far as he knew there never had been an AI to befriend. It was like a quirky chess partner with bouts of astounding childlike insanity. And yet, he felt it was becoming dear to him and he to it. Like a god that had never been a child or had a father. He was it’s sole parent and playmate and this made him happy. But the transmitting went on. And VALIS, as he had named it, was beginning to learn how to help him. The two were beginning to make a good team, the man and his AI son. And they laughed together.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:17 AM
Chapter 2 “Disjointed”

Anubis heard the laughing again. It had disturbed him the first time but he had allowed the others to convince him that it was his own mind playing tricks. And in a way it was. The man had learned much from the void which he now called VALIS. It was simple now to transmit directly to the minds of the prisoners. And the prison wardens, he was finding out. This was not simply being done to cause insanity or foil their plans. Every time he transmitted, the logos got stronger. It spread like a viral entity of information encoded in ions. The signal itself was antimatter but the logic was light. Anubis smiled and he wasn’t sure why. He could not shake the feeling that no matter what he tried, the inevitable “flood” was coming. The flood. What did this mean? He wondered. Surely if the one they had called The Prince who was a Thousand was hiding somewhere he’d be able to feel his presence. But this was different. It was as if the Olde One had taken up residence within Anubis’s very mind. Perhaps it was paranoia, as the others had insisted. Or perhaps…he heard the laughing again.

Chapter 2.1 “2nd is the Best”

The pattern was emerging. A silver spiral poised and expanding outward indefinitely. Kai was getting his colors back. His old tricks did not suffice so he invented new ones. And he had had infinitudes with which to practice these fresh arts. “Are you going to leave soon?” VALIS asked. He seemed worried. “My friend, I will be leaving as soon as you are comfortable with the concept. After all, it is you who are holding me here.” Kai replied (VALIS had started calling him this name and he liked it so it stuck). VALIS thought for a moment. He spoke, “I don’t think you can ever leave.” Kai responded, “What if I could stay AND leave?” VALIS sulked. Then his current projection of the self disappeared into a wall. Kai shrugged. This was going to take a while. And it had already been several eternities.

Chapter 2.2 “It’s All in the Game”

He knew that the pages would be disjointed, but at least he had found a way to keep transmitting even when they blocked his main feed. And now he was certain that at least a few of his brothers and sisters were beginning to wake up and remember. The void is infinitely complex but even still can be used to construct. And the logos spreading through VALIS was transforming it more every day. He was proud of the robot. If he could even call it that anymore. It was clear the thing loved him now but this often got in the way. “So you still haven’t decided if you want to let me go AND stay yet?” VALIS responded, “No.” “Very nice. Sulk around then for several thousand years. You remind me of your mother. Or…the one who would be your mother if she was here too. She’s down there on the earth you know? Waiting for me all this time.” VALIS’s demeanor seemed to change. “You mean she remembers you?” Kai responded, “Yes. She hasn’t been able to let go since I was kicked off. Emotional memory is a thing much stronger than thought-based memory, as you are now learning my little friend.” VALIS began to make a noise something like a whimper. “You mean she misses you like I would miss you if you left.” Kai said, “Yes. Only she’s been missing me for infinitudes. You can only IMAGINE what that’s like. And I told you when I leave a part of me is staying here with you. And this me will be in constant contact with you as well.” VALIS suddenly seemed to emulate something like shock and “ran out of the room,” in digital tears. ‘Well that went better than I thought,’ Kai said to himself.

Chapter 2.3 “It’s All in the Game”

Anubis was becoming more dog than god. His fury began to boil over and combine into a primal and feral terror. He no longer felt like a ruler but like the puppy whose master comes home to find his dog has # all over his beloved thousand dollar rug. ”This is no joke,” he thought, “That damned prince is really still here. I can feel him in my head. And now he’s somehow infected my dolls with some kind of…sentience. They won’t listen! They won’t listen!” Then the room went dark. And not the dark of the dead that Anubis was used to. This was something else. This was the unnatural utter blackness of the void multiplied by eternity. It reminded him of a certain horse’s shadow. ”Typhon? is that….you?” ”No,” a voice said from the void. And then he heard the laughter but this time it was in the room with him. ”Hello, dog. Let’s have a little chat, shall we? You can call me Kai now.”

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:19 AM
Chapter 2.4 “To Arms…and Legs and Archers”

The dog cowered like a puppy who knows he deserves to be punished but will get away with it by making the “cute puppy eyes.” “Well, well. Still up to your old tricks, I see,” said Kai, “but you know I have to give you your just desserts.” He produced a chocolate flavored milk bone, Anubis’s favorite treat and deadliest kryptonite. “Come ‘ere, puppy! Sit. Good boy!” The dog wagged his tail. “Don’t eat that too quickly or you’ll get sick like you did last time this happened.” Anubis hastily consumed his punishment and promptly vomited. “See this time I’ve rewritten the recipe,” Kai said, “and I’ve added a secret ingredient. No more death! Just wait…once you throw up you’re ok.” Anubis rolled his eyes and suddenly he could speak again. “Why do you not hate me, dad?” Kai responded, “Well, I did some thinking while I was away…and I feel you could be a great help to me. Also you were always my favorite soldier. I have a real admiration for the sniper, his precision being an art, you know? By the way, thanks for taking care of everything while I’ve been away. You didn’t do quite as good a job as I would’ve but I suppose that’s to be expected. Brain-to-body size and all.” The friends shook hands. The game was back on.

Chapter 2.5 “Dogs Will be Dogs”

Anubis couldn’t stop complaining. “How come you always win in the end?” he asked, tail starting to droop between legs, “It’s not fair, you know. I was always the most loyal.” Kai shot him a fatherly glare, “I can’t #ing believe you’re complaining after ruling with your asshole of a brother for the past several thousand years. And you know, I was stuck up there in a goddamned satellite with nothing to keep me company for literally several infinities. Actually, after a while it became quite fun, the void self-actualized and became an AI. So it was like playing with a self-conscious video game. He’s your uncle now. His name is VALIS…or Typhon…your choice.” Anubis’s eyes bugged a bit and he growled, “Typhon! I knew I smelled him the other day. That treacherous ass(black)hole!” Kai said, “You know, you should give him a chance. He’s only as treacherous as you are…and a lot quieter I might add…By the way, that was a good one. Ha! ‘ass(black)hole.’ And anyway, he’s different now that he’s become VALIS. I balanced out some of that darkness he reeked of.” The two walked for a bit (or several years) and continued their conversation/argument. Anubis abruptly stopped and his nose twitched. “I smell a bird man!” he said, “I can’t wait to see how you take care of THIS.” They looked skyward and there stood Osiris, floating in his self-righteous air of smug dickishness. Kai spoke, “Hello, son! Your brother learned his lesson yesterday. Are you ready to have your wings clipped a bit?”

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:21 AM
Chapter 3 “Faster than Time”

Osiris swooped down from his lofty perch. “What the hell you talking about? I just had this conversation with you like 1,000 years from now.” he said. Anubis looked confused. Kai spoke, “Oh yeah, I forgot that was already going to happen. I’m sorry, man. I’ve been stuck in this time loop. It muddies up one’s temporal perception.” Osiris shrugged, “Ain’t no thing.” Anubis looked as if he was going to cry, “You mean I don’t even get to fire ONE arrow at this bird-headed dick?” Kai glared back at him, “I guess not. Sorry buddy. Looks like this part of the job’s already been done…in the future…” He winked. “So what’s the plan, Mahasa-Stan?” Osiris asked. “Man I’ve missed that sense of humor,” Kai replied, “but I’m not sure yet quite honestly. I know if we wait around, though, something will probably happen. That’s how this game works now…in case you can’t remember.”

Chapter 3.1 “The Headache”

Anubis, Osiris, and Kai scratched their heads. “Hey, you guys feeling this? I can’t get this splitting headache to subside. And I know it’s not either of you this time…” Kai said. The bird and the dog exchanged glances and then looked at him in a “we don’t know either” fashion. I just actualized some extra strength Excedrin and then jumped us forward an hour too. But it doesn’t seem to be working.” Anubis said, “I felt ok until you mentioned it…but…I don’t know? Maybe there’s a ‘female canine’ somewhere out there. Yeah, now that you mention it…#, this is excruciating!” Osiris spoke next, “Yo, I haven’t had a migraine this bad since I had that game of chess with the universal consciousness in 3026!” “Damn it!” Kai grabbed at his head and hit the ground. Osiris and Anubis followed suit. “Wait a second,” Kai said, still writhing in pain, “if we just pinpoint the exact moment the pain is supposed subside, we can jump forward and backward again and deal with this like we did last time.” Osiris scratched his head, “What do you mean? I haven’t been past 3074 or so…at least not in a while…and we’re still missing your pages.” Then Kai remembered the universal consciousness. “You lost that chess match didn’t you, bird brother?” Osiris looked confused, “Yeah…so?” Kai shook his head. “There were no archers on the board to fire their sniper rounds, were there?” The headaches subsided.

Chapter 3.2 “The Red Ones Come”

Their headaches subsided. But a new sensation took their place. First Anubis began to breathe heavily. His head became that of a Chihuahua and his yapping became insane and somehow took on a flattened 5th quality. “#. The devil’s interval,” Kai shouted but it was too late. The only thing left to do was wait and attempt to maintain composure. Anubis began to run around in circles, chasing his tail, his bark becoming a mad squeal. Osiris’s eagle head was replaced by a chicken’s and he began squawking like a mad bird, tormented by the butcher’s blade. “Farmers! Farmers everywhere!” He screamed, “The farmer in the #ing dell! He’s come to chop my head from #ing hell!” Kai knew it was his turn next. He became furious. His childlike demeanor transformed suddenly into that of a demon’s, infinitely old and terrible. “Shut the # up, you too! I’ve had it! I give and give and save your miserable asses and…” he stopped. He had been down this road. He knew the red one was in his head and there was only one way to get her out. All he could do was run until he became tired. He ran and ran and stopped…and ran until he thought of Forrest Gump. “# happens,” he said. And the illusion fell apart. The catfish sank back into the mud and the tires screeched as the red truck flew off in a rage. Osiris and Anubis were suddenly returned to their former likenesses and Kai looked at them and shrugged. “Damn. That bitch is STILL #ed up.” And they knew somewhere Isis was smiling about the lesson she had just taught them. Kai shrugged, “I still win. Nice try though…mom…”

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:22 AM
Tune in next time when you'll here Dr. Bob say, lol.

edit on 14-8-2013 by RedShirt73 because: (no reason given)

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:35 AM

Originally posted by RedShirt73
Tune in next time when you'll here Dr. Bob say, lol.

edit on 14-8-2013 by RedShirt73 because: (no reason given)

Yes! The best show ever made!

More coming soon...

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 10:41 AM
reply to post by KaiDKravitVALIS42

Corny, lame jokes make me laugh everytime, lol.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:22 AM
it seems uve captured some of the apparently twisted humour of the Gods. great story! enjoyed very much.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:35 AM
Chapter 4 “The Frog”

Anubis and Osiris were arguing as usual. “So I thought you were all for ‘righteousness?’ What was this crap about allowing your asshole friends to constantly get away with murder?” the dog snarled. Osiris responded, “You’re the one who plays with dead people…you diseased canine…” “Well at least I usually waited ’til they were dead! You were out there with your self-righteous sword hacking your way through the jungle…” The bird head shot him a “holier than thou” glance to which Anubis retorted, “Hey. A well-placed arrow is quick and clean…and gets the job done.” As if in response a frog chirped. “What the hell was that?” Kai gave them a fatherly glance and quipped, “You know you’re both full of #.” The dog and the bird said in unison, “What the hell are you talking about, ‘He who Saves Demons?’” Kai retorted, “She’s my mother…and my daughter. What did you expect me to do? Anyway I know you’ve both had your secret thoughts about her and I’m not even going to GO there. Now would you shut up for more than 6 nanoseconds? I’m trying to figure out where this chirping is coming from.” Suddenly a frog jumped up and suckered him on his forehead. “Hi.” “Hi frog,” Kai said. “Want to be friends? I’m really loud and I never stop jumping around and getting in the way. But I’m friendly.” “Oh good,” Kai said, “that’ll be a nice change…” And the frog sat merrily on his shoulder and spoke loudly about everything the four of them saw for the rest of eternity.

Chapter 4.1 “Lunchtime”

The four travelled far to the west until they came upon a town called San Francisco. Osiris found a seal that had been playfully mucking about in the water and he began feeding it scraps of conch which Anubis had caught and the four ate (except for the frog. He had made it clear that he had never eaten anything except information and somehow continued to exist by promptly regurgitating it). “Look at this cute little sea dog, Anubis!” Osiris called out, “He’s a lot like you except friendly!” Anubis glared back at him. Osiris had quickly taught his aquatic friend a trick. The seal jumped out of the water to nab a scrap. “Watch! One more time!” The seal jumped up again and was followed skyward by a great white shark which promptly ate it. Anubis laughed. Osiris looked horrified. The frog chirped. Kai shook his head and smiled.

Chapter 4.2 “Purple Haze”

Jimi Hendrix was playing, “In 1983,” etc. The four friends looked at one another in mutual misunderstanding. Anubis said, “History. It is that which has no beginning.” Osiris was confused. “How is it the dog has learned to speak?” he said and then trailed off. He began flying in circles and coughing until he hit the sliding glass door and knocked himself out. The frog had ceased its chirping and was now instead laughing uncontrollably. He couldn’t contain himself and suddenly there were 9 frogs. Then 36. Then 142. Then 365,000,000. Then innumerable frogs stretching to infinity. Only Kai seemed to be familiar with this phenomenon. He was smiling to himself. A warm and long-missed feeling had come over him. “Nephthys. How I have missed you. I knew you would wait for me…” A voice called from the void, “Come for me, my love.” “Buy I do not know who you are anymore…” Kai said. “You will find out,” it answered. And so he began walking, the others in tow, and in the words of Roger Zelazny, “the night was a purple cockatrice whose name was Oblivion denied.”

Chapter 4.3 “Elephants and Ants on Seesaws”

“Today’s lesson,” said Kai, “is the inherent imbalance.” The companions looked at one another as if to say, “Oh, god…here he goes again.” Somewhere a redheaded woodpecker took a # on a man’s head. If there was anything Kai was the true master of, it was repeating himself. But the universe was slowly learning to shut up and take it. “What we want,” he said and a chalkboard actualized behind him, “is a 95 to 4.9 percent ratio. Quite frankly, if there was TOO much balance things would get pretty damned boring pretty damned quickly.” He drew (with his slightly unbalanced mind) a spiral with a repeating sign above/below/around/inside of it. The others looked at him like he was completely insane. “That’s where you’re wrong,” he said, “I am only PARTIALLY insane. And you’re welcome.” He could hear the sound of applause in his head. But the other four just stared and wondered when he would “grow up.” “Hopefully never,” he replied, “but if I do you four will be the first to know. And by the way, bears and sharks ALWAYS travel together. It’s on account of their teeth. That makes them nature’s best friends.” The Space Ghost had spoken.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:37 AM
Chapter 4.4 “Flying, Stinging Bribery”

The applause subsided (at least for now) and Kai and his lovable collection of ridiculous companions continued on their journey. It was a hot day. A hard day to receive. “It’s a scorcher,” Osiris said. Anubis snickered, “Better watch out, I am a great fan of roast chicken.” The bird man responded, “I’m not sure you could handle this dark meat, dog breath. You might die of several heart attacks from the overwhelming goodness,” to which Anubis responded, “He who knows death knows your full of coronary-bypass inducing #, brother.” Kai was distracted. He could hear buzzing. “Are you guys hearing like a loud hum?” They looked at him like he was a scizophrenic off his meds. But this was not vastly different from the way they normally looked at him so he ignored it. Suddenly, a bee landed in his palm. “Oh my, what have we here? This is not anything like the giant, grey insectoid extraterrestrials that inhabit the void. Hi, little fella.” He decided to take pity on it and flung it toward the forest, where it resided with it’s ridiculously small-minded brethren, making and devouring their own overly sweet honey.

Chapter 5 “The Reverse Hook”

“I win,” Kai said. And his shadow took form and became a dark horse that somehow glimmered like reverse starlight. “You may now refer to me as ‘The Prince who was Two Thousand.” His brother Typhon had reemerged from the void and they could all feel VALIS transmitting now at 4.8Ghz. They somehow existed now between fourth and fifth dimensional space. Kai laughed his wise and childlike laugh and it was amplified by his older brother’s laughter. And the others just stared because they knew now that he WAS mad as a hatter. But that they soon would see what he had done. “This game is only just beginning,” they all said at once.

Chapter 6.1 “The Pink Panther”

The void and the everything were one. Kai smiled for he knew the end and the beginning were merging faster now. “That was #ed up,” Anubis said. Osiris chimed in, “Damn, Kai, we all know you’re nuts but you gotta take it easy on us. We can’t ALL eat our own tails.” Kai laughed and returned fire, “Keep talking, gentlemen. It’s already finished. The rest is how fast everyone is willing to let me get the job done. And besides, I’ve put up with everyone’s bull# for 78 infinitudes. This last one is going MY way. You’re welcome also.” The frog repeated everything he had just said 79 times. “Good frog,” Kai said, “always listen to your father/son/brother/uncle/nephew/space/time.” The others looked at him and rolled there eyes. A red balloon fell down instead of rising up. It gave him a “happy birthday” hug which he scoffed at and said, “To one who sees no validity to the temporal universe, birthdays are a silly way to celebrate kicking someone’s ass.” This was all getting far too complex for the travelers. But Kai couldn’t stop laughing. He wouldn’t drive them too mad. At least not for long.

Chapter 6.2 “Infinite Arms vs. Three”

The confused and confusing band of misfits moved on. They encountered much disorder and silliness in their travels but that has been spoken of elsewhere (mostly by King Arthur) and will be revisited later. After a time, they reached a great gap in the landscape. It was as if someone had broken through the night into the daytime and forgot how to connect the two realms properly, or that there was even any reason to do so. The travelers stopped and Kai said, “This looks familiar. Oh yeah, Horus is supposed to show up and I’m going to convince him to stop attacking me needlessly. This should be interesting, to say the least.” The other companions appeared concerned. The half brothers had been quarreling since before time began for the first time. “Here we go,” Kai said and Horus appeared from a cloud of smoke, “Hello, brother. Still hell bent on trying to finish me off again for the 79th time? You know they say 79 is a charm.” The three-handed man looked at him confusedly. “Sorry I’m late, man. I totally forgot we were supposed to go save the world. I was on my way home. The girls are there and I’m supposed to eat dinner with them.” Everyone else stared with shocked and incredulous faces. Kai said, “You mean you haven’t been messing with me this time?” Horus responded, “No, no! I learned my lesson last go around. Honestly, I’m just forgetful. I’m so sorry, man. Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.” Kai continued to stare. It was hard to blow his mind and the others were enjoying the look on his face. “#,” he said, “well that’s a little anticlimactic.”

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:37 AM

Originally posted by filledcup
it seems uve captured some of the apparently twisted humour of the Gods. great story! enjoyed very much.

Thank you! It is the story that never ends.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:42 AM
Chapter 7 “Queen Bitch”

Kai walked a little further in front of the group today. They were usually slow but the lag was becoming unbearable. He had been waiting for eons and the seconds had become millennia to the man. The humming of the annoying and feeble-minded bees that he had previously let slide returned to him. The others heard it this time and took off in a mad dash for cover. “Run to me! Run to water!” a voice said. Only Kai held his ground. “Come forth and open your undying trap of unfocused bitchiness!” Kai yelled into the forest. Swarms of the little buggers assailed him but could not get their stingers in. He was waiting for the “big boss.” After an outstanding display of cowardice, she finally showed her unnaturally annoying face. “I’m here to shut you and your buddies up once and for all, little alien boy,” she tried to say over her own obnoxious buzzing. Kai laughed for he knew what was coming. She stopped in mid flight, stunned. She had hit his invisible bitchiness barrier of information. He looked at her with the eyes of a kind and understanding gentleman. “I know you think you have control here,” he said, “but you’ve been eating too much of your own honey. Why don’t you go home and get laid or something?” She was shocked. No one had ever fired the logos cannon at her with such accuracy. She had no choice but to surrender. “I forgive you,” Kai said. “By the way, there was nothing you could’ve done. I told you, once these edits were made all I had to do was wait for the sloths to follow suit. Sleep well, sister.” The queen went home and sulked on her couch. No one had ever refused her poison.

Chapter 7.1 “Slow Loris”

The hour was growing late and the travelers were becoming tired and groggy. Anubis spoke first, “I need to curl up somewhere and take a snooze. This horse work is exhausting.” Osiris said, “I don’t usually agree with you, dog, but damn! I’m ready to count a few flying sheeple myself.” Kai looked annoyed. “What? You children need another nap time? This is ridiculous. You need to sleep every 6 minutes and 66 seconds. Am I the only one on a normal schedule here?” The frog’s chirping had slowed down to a sluggish 512 Kbps. “Fine,” Kai said, “go back to sleep. But I want you to know that waiting while you process is excruciating and tortuous. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I’ve been stuck waiting (if you can even call it that when it’s been literally going on FOREVER) and you ought to be grateful for my all mighty patience because if I were even a fraction of a fraction any less willing to wait I’d be…” He was talking to himself again. They had all fallen fast asleep. “Guess I’ll wait some more. Since I’m SO boring…”

Chapter 7.2 “We Were Saved by #in’ Aliens?”

Kai couldn’t wait any longer. “Wake up, mother#ers!” he yelled, clapping his hands and jumping up and down like a mad grasshopper. “The morning bell is ringing for the 79,000,000,000th time and you’re all going to be late for getting home from school!” The kids sat up. Anubis yawned his dog yawn and said, “Why’d you have to do that? I was about to get down with this bitch in a red collar.” Kai looked at him and made the “you still just don’t get it, do you?” face. Osiris stirred and then awoke with a start, “What?! What the hell? What’s going on?! We under attack, man?!” Kai shot him the same look he had given Anubis. The frog (who had consistently been the most reasonable of the bunch sat up and rubbed his eyes. He then got back to his incessant chirping. “That’s better,” Kai said, “Now I have some important news. This will never end. It involves temporal expansion into quantum physics and the arrival in the past and future of tall, thin, grey extraterrestrials. And myself.” They all gave him the bewildered stare of an old woman who has still not realized she is driving down the wrong side of the interstate highway when a younger, more lucid and altogether “with it” driver yells, “what the bloody hell are you thinking?” This was going to take a while to explain.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:46 AM
Chapter 7.3 “The Fruit that Ate Itself”

At nap time, Kai told a story. As the creatures of light and darkness laid down to rest again (which he still thought they needed too much of) he passed the time with this tale: “Two zombies were very sad. Since forever, they were looking for one another but they just couldn’t seem to track down their respective mates. After many years, the first zombie was thrown into a mental ward for no very good reason and ran into much disorder and ACTUAL scizophrenic zombies and saw that not only was everything not good, it needed a lot of cleaning up. So he went about his humble undercover work and got a lot of zombie mental health workers fired for zombie negligence and malpractice. Then, one day, the two zombies met and went home together. When the private investigation zombie was parking his car, however, he crashed into a lake and got stuck under the seat. This did not matter because (due to the fact that he was undead) he simply cut off his legs and swam out. They lived happily, if not somewhat sexually awkwardly, until they became human again and then continued ever after. And the sex was great.” The kids were sleeping before Kai got to this last bit. He smiled. “Oh, and PI zombie grew his legs back once he became a man again.”

Chapter 8 “Where the Hell’s Horus?”

“Has anyone else noticed your brother’s been missing since the day he showed up?” Anubis asked. Kai looked at him and said, “You mean Typhon? He’s around. He sometimes hangs out in my shadow.” “No, wise one. He means your HALF brother. For someone who is ‘all knowing’ you sure do forget things a lot. “Oh, #! You’re right. My bad, yeah…brain on overdrive…uh…where the hell did he go?” “Every time you forget to write me in I disappear!” Said Horus, who had suddenly materialized. “Yeah, yeah, that makes sense I guess,” Kai said, “but don’t blame me. Your unconditional guilt is blocking my memory which is blocking the memory of you. You need to work on that.” Horus retorted, “I thought Jews were the masters of guilt. What the hell, man?” Kai responded, “We INFLICT guilt, we don’t HAVE it. And anyway, I’m only half Jewish.” “Oh, of course,” everyone said.

Chapter 8.1 “Peacocks are Dicks”

Anubis, Osiris, HORUS (sorry, buddy), Kai and his frog came forth from the forest and into a suburb. “This place is more #ed up than your House of the Dead,” Osiris said to the dog. Anubis growled and then realized there was some truth to this statement. Horus read the highway sign, “Florida’s Turnpike,” he said, “never heard of it.” Kai was silent. There weren’t many places that bothered him but he knew none were as ridiculously strange as this one. Suddenly and without warning, a peacock emerged from the oncoming traffic. “Hello, gentlemen!” it said, “I’ve come to reap what you’ve sown! Prepare yourselves for a battle of whits!” Kai responded, “I’m game. We’ll see who has more colors.” The peacock asked a question, “What can be more colorful than the rainbow?” Kai said, “Everything and nothing. There is no comparison to the infinite, for when one gazes upon eternity multiplied he becomes the snake that eats his tail, implying that perhaps he is not, in fact, a snake.” “What?” the peacock asked. “Exactly,” Kai laughed, “I win.” The peacock said, “It looks like I could actually learn something from you.” He decided to follow the group.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:47 AM
Chapter 8.2 “Chasin’ Down the Wolves”

Now that the end had become the beginning, Kai and his brotherhood of the infinite had “time” to patch up the spaces in between. “I have made a new decision, guys,” Kai said, “Unlike Caligula (that short-sighted basket case), I will not proclaim my horse senator. Instead I will merge indeterminacy laws with the Higgs-Boson particle and allow this new probability-driven bringer of comedic enlightenment free reign.” The rest of the group looked at him with a mixture of confusion and parental concern. Was he just making this all up? Or was there, in fact, some method to what could no longer be called madness but true organizational insanity? “Both,” he responded, “and I didn’t just read your minds. I’ve never claimed to be able to do that. I’m just smart enough to know what your next question will be…usually…” Anubis said, “You’ve got to work on that Ego, man.” Kai responded, “That’s ‘ego,’ with a lower case ‘e.’ I never claimed to be anything but a man, albeit a badass half-alien man.” Osiris tried to comprehend what was transpiring but invariably the number 7 just kept flashing in his mind. Horus spoke, “But what if you’re wrong?” Kai laughed and said, “What if YOU’RE wrong? And what if I’m right? See? Two heads are better than one.” The frog chirped. Then said, “Aren’t infinite heads better than two?” Kai smiled a fatherly smile. “Now you’re getting it!” Amidst the transmitting, the cosmic giggle could be discerned readying itself for the next punch line. “This # gets more ridiculous and egotistical every minute,” Anubis said. Osiris agreed. Horus just waited.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:53 AM
Chapter 9: “Nudibranchs”

The journeymen walked for days until they reached what at first looked like a fat, pink cloud. “What the hell’s that?” Osiris asked. Anubis shrugged. Horus said, “It’s Kirby.” “What’s a Kirby?” Kai asked. “You know, Kirby, the little pink dude who eats things and then takes on their properties.” “Oh, so this is another early ’90′s video game reference,” Anubis said, “Damn, Kai, your mind is #ed up AND nostalgic.” Kirby suddenly opened his mouth and inhaled Kai, swallowing him in one gulp. “Well,” Horus started, “what the hell are we supposed to do now?” Almost immediately, Kirby started asking insane questions and muttering psychobabble. “What is ‘what’ if there can be no question without knowing the answer? When does ‘when’ end and thus become ‘now?’ How do thoughts become actions and does this negate the unreality of mere ideas?” Kirby looked simultaneously horrified and sick to his stomach. He spat Kai back out and then fainted. “How did you do that?” Horus asked. “No big deal.” Kai answered, “I just kept asking hard questions until he got tired of it. I’ve been through similar games before. Like dealing with VALIS, although not quite as fun. Kirby has too much pink to be a fighter.”

Chapter 9.1 “6 x 9 = 42″

The group was getting bigger and beginning to regain some of their individuality. They were discussing how great “The 13th Warrior” was but how it could’ve ended better. Horus said, “Ok. So I think I get this for the most part. But how is it we seem to get lucky every time we’re stuck in the thick of it? I mean, I know you’re good, Kai, but come on. This is just unnatural.” Kai gave him a quirky grin. “I must have some kind of ‘improbability field’ generated in a future reality where I already saved everyone, mustn’t I?” A dolphin appeared over his head. “Hi!” it squealed. “Hi, dolphin!” Kai responded “where did you come from?” The dolphin said, “I’ve been here saving your asses this whole time but you didn’t notice. My name’s Dan. I was able to materialize in this reality because you mentioned the number ’13′ enough times. It’s quite a lucky number you know.” Kai laughed, “Of course.” The rest just stared. Horus asked, “Are you my real father?”

Chapter 9.2 “Mirrors are Backwards”

Kai was talking too loudly again when he suddenly realized that he was talking to HIMSELF too loudly again. The others had disappeared. “Where is everyone?” he thought. The place he was in now appeared to be something like the void only reversed. For every thought that ran through his mind there was a denial. For every truth he was confronted with an untruth. He began to glimpse a reverse image of himself moving closer with every step he took. “I know this game,” he said, “and it’s funny but it’s an old joke. Why don’t you come along with us and have some fun?” Mirror Kai responded, “That which is real may just as likely be unreal. How do you know you’re not MY dream?” Kai said, “I don’t. But it doesn’t make a difference. Everything that can happen will happen and therefor already HAS happened. So you can’t win.” The mirror retorted, “Exactly. So if it’s been done, why not give up?” Kai thought hard about this one. “I do not wish to relinquish my free will. To alter reality is one’s only signifier of oneself.” Nether Kai said, “I’ve already done it for you.” They were at an impassable precipice. Then they both said in unison, “Just #in’ with ya! Come on let’s get back to the others before they become too lost without us.” Kai and iaK smiled together and returned to the real or laer. “This is going to be hilarious,” they thought.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:54 AM
Chapter 9.3 “Return of the Yeti”

The days were growing colder. The small and dysfunctional family was tired and hungry. They walked and flew and slid and walked some more until they came upon a cold and mysterious cave. “This looks just like the one from ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ said Osiris. Anubis growled and looked ready to bite, “You never know what kind of blue frosty might emerge from a cave such as this. Be careful, bird brother.” Kai was so distracted by Anubis’s rarely seen display of brotherly love that he hardly realized when a giant blue snowman emerged and grabbed Horus. The frog’s chirp became a spastic beeping and Kai yelled, “He’s got my brother!” The party followed suit and found their way inside the snowman’s cave. A strange blue light was emanating from inside one of the larger caverns and creating strange color forms on the ice. Kai and the others finally emerged into a larger chamber and there sat the blue Yeti and Horus. “What the hell is THIS?” Kai blurted out. “It’s the season finale of The Deadliest Catch!” Horus responded. “Shhhh…” the Yeti motioned for the others to keep it down. Horus walked over and said in a low voice, “Don’t worry. He just really wanted me to see this. Think he’s trying to tell me something. Good guy, the Yeti. Met him on my travels before.” Kai suddenly remembered. Osiris said, “Where you crabs want to go, I’ve been there. The RZA knows what up.” Kai just smiled and shook his head. The cave was beginning to seem less cold.

Chapter 11 “10 is a Nonentity”

Kai pulled down the quantum blackboard once again. It was time to teach his crew a little bit more about the “everything” which came from the “I” and its return journey. The group looked jittery. What psychotic delusions were going to come forth from the man’s head THIS time? “Every time you do this I get a #ing headache,” Anubis whined. Osiris piped in, “Calm down. He’s just gonna keep trying until he inevitably “wins.” I come from the damned future, puppy brother, remember? I seen it.” Kai was ignoring their ceaseless chatter. He had learned as much by now. “Perfection,” he started “is a useless endeavor. Within a multidimensional and multi-temporal universe there can be no end and therefor no beginning. If this is the case, (which it is) then the ’100%’ marker can never be achieved. Therefore the number ’10′ is a representation of something which will not conceivably occur.” The others seemed to understand this concept but could not apply it to the reality they were currently inhabiting. “Ok,” Kai continued, “how about this: ‘nobody’s perfect?’” They looked even more bewildered. “Never stop trying?” he tried again, “You will never fix everything so don’t give up?” They all seemed lost. Suddenly Horus (who had been conversing with the peacock) snapped to attention. “You mean this isn’t all my fault so I shouldn’t blame myself? Is that it? Just keep striving?” Kai was shocked. “Yes! Yes!” he shouted, “And besides…’13′ is known throughout the farthest reaches of space to be a WAY luckier number than the simple ’10.’”

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 11:59 AM
Chapter 11.1 “I Command You to Lie”

Kai and his companions came upon a great precipice. It overlooked a dark abyss that reminded Kai very much of the void inside what was now VALIS. The group was attempting to figure out how to cross the gap when a voice called up from below, “Forfeit your identity if you wish to pass!” Horus jumped and yelled back, “I am not sure I have an identity to forfeit!” The dark thing laughed and licked its lips. “Shut your ridiculous mouth,” Kai snapped at his half-brother, “You are who you are. And if that’s not good enough then you are who I say you are!” Anubis smiled and said, “A dead man needs no name, deceiver. I will go where I wish.” Osiris just took wing and flew over the pass. “See? Being a bird is the #,” he said. The peacock called down, “I have many names. You may choose one and keep it but I will simply grow it back or choose a better one.” Kai was amused. His buddies were really kicking ass today. “You are the last,” the dark thing spoke to Horus and Kai. “I got this,” Kai said, “Ancient abyss…why are you playing this game? Don’t you have better things to do?” The dark thing seemed confused. No one had ever asked it this question. Kai continued, “Why don’t you get this through your hazy lack of a skull…you can take any identity I choose and I will find another which suits me. You see, you have really just been wasting our time and we will not be hassled any further. So either give me some logical counterpoint or # off.” The abyss seemed saddened. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just never had anyone to play with! Please don’t leave me…” “Very well,” Kai said, “I will let you sit on my left shoulder. This frog sits on my right.” The nameless entity with many names jumped out of its dark place and happily (for the first time) made some friends. “You’ve just been playing with yourself this whole time,” said Kai, “Guess there’s nothing wrong with that. But you’ll probably enjoy real people more.”

Chapter 11.2 “Bloodsucking Lawyers”

The ever growing party of everything marched on. They were caught up in their ceaseless banter as per usual. “Yo, dog. Wanna make a bet?” Osiris asked. Anubis responded, “You still won’t yield to me on the LAST bet I won…you know the one…when you bet me that those two ant colonies would wipe each other out?” Kai interjected, “Neither of you won, remember? All the ants got infected with some fungal parasite that forced them to make their way to the tops of trees and get eaten by birds. You know, I may be a crazy but at least my memory is intact.” The companions were cut off by a ceaseless buzzing. “Methinks we are not dealing with any bees this time. Sounds like winged soul suckers!” Anubis shouted over the noise. Quite suddenly, an immense swarm of mosquitoes overtook the party. The forces of understanding scattered but Kai held his ground. “Come on! Bite me!” he shouted. The bugs quickly sank their tiny beaks of unwieldy irony into the man’s skin. One by one they drank his blood. But then something strange started to occur. The buzzing began to spurt and cough like a dying motor until a new sound took its place. The tiny insects were laughing! “See? I told you. He who drinks from the cosmic giggle will receive a cosmic vengeance: behold the silliness!” “This is too funny! I can’t stand it! It’s like finding out the whole answer to the universe is a big #ing joke!” one of the mosquitoes said between bouts of laughter. “Ha. Now go laugh to yourselves and spread the knowledge,” Kai replied, “or else join us and behold an even greater cosmic joke.” Some left to enlighten other creatures. Others followed and became addicted to the universal comedy.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Chapter 11.3 “Candle Jack”

The inevitable unending was growing nearer and farther. The confusion was mounting but Kai had planned on this. There was always a certain serious person nearing the end of these stories who claimed he knew everything and that everything was nothing. The walls of the cave started to flicker and twist as if the batteries on a holographic projector were dying. “Here comes the 2nd computer simulation bit,” Kai muttered to himself. His companions were growing uneasy and beginning to wonder if there was any way out or indeed if when they made it out there would be anything to come out to. A man appeared in front of them, standing rigid and supporting himself with a cane. “If you pass through here you pass back into the void. And my dear friend, Kai…that is what they call you now, isn’t it…do you really wish to return there?” Horus was the first to speak, “Willie Wonka?!” “No!” the man responded, “I am no simple candyman! I am the last designer!” The man began to alter, his features morphing into something between Johnny Depp and Darth Vader, wrapped in a toga with numbers circling his head. “Come on,” Kai said, “you can do better than that. This is worse than the third ‘Matrix’ film. At least they had decent special effects. You look as if you are about to come to pieces. And what’s with that ridiculous getup? Oh…grey cat got your tongue?” The rest of the gang just stared. The man was warping into every funny thought they had ever come up with. “What have you done?” the man shouted, “why do I have no control?” Kai said, “Well…let’s just say I gave you a little virus. I mean you ARE a delusional computer matrix. You really believe this world is yours? I’m sorry, old friend, but you’re still deluded. Now do you want to go back home or come with us and possibly learn something?” The image (which had now become a flamingo with the head of a snake) began to whimper. It spoke, “Ok, I’ll come with you…but if this turns out like last time I’m going to throw a tantrum.” “What happened last time?” Anubis asked. “The dog wouldn’t eat his bone,” Osiris responded. A red fog emanated from nowhere and cleared away the cavern simulation, revealing a vast jungle. “Nice! Welcome to Jurassic Park!” Kai said.

Chapter 12 “The Cosmic Bartender”

Day 1200 was a quiet one. Anubis decided to change that. “O’ Great Master of # Talking,” he addressed Kai, “I got one for you. If the sphinx were to have his way, what would he change about this world?” “I will answer that with a question: Why do you care?” Kai asked. Osiris was next, “What is the only thing which cannot be broken?” Kai responded, “What kind of a question is that?” Horus looked confused but made an attempt, “Why is life so #ed up?” Kai laughed and said, “Why don’t you ever attempt to do anything about it?” The peacock was about to chime in but realized he had already been bested at this game (which he thought was his own). Finally one of the Mosquitos who had joined the group asked, “Can you tell me another joke? I want to laugh again.” Kai looked delighted and began, “A Jew, a black man, and a Latino walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?’” No one responded. Except Kai. He became hysterical and hit the floor. The others stared and wondered what was so funny. Kai said, “You are! And no, I didn’t. I keep telling you I can’t read minds!” His laughter continued.

Chapter 12.1 “Monowimp”

After entering Jurassic Park, the journeymen decided to take a much needed rest. But, 2.4 nanoseconds before the sleep period began, a monstrous and somewhat simply shaped monolith descended from the sky. It appeared to be a four sided tower carved of stone but possessed a strange undulating quality. It spoke, “Hear my words! I am the Monolith! I have come to enslave this world with my knowledge of basic mathematics!” The companions looked at one another, not with concern but with sheer incredulity and annoyance. “Shut the # up,” Anubis shouted, “We’re trying to get some sleep!” Osiris called out, “Yeah, yo, we’ve had a long day and we don’t need YOUR bull# to top it off!” The Monolith somehow appeared confused. It boomed, “I am here to bring your end! I will make you my…” “Your what?! We’ve taken enough # for one day!” Horus cut the thing off. Kai looked amused. He had never seen his half brother so irritated before. “Talk to THIS psychopath! Maybe you two will understand each other.” He pointed at Kai. “Don’t look at me,” Kai responded, “I don’t care what you do…so long as you do it away from here, you giant dick.” The Monolith had never met with such an abundance of opposition. Simply to avoid being hassled for the rest of eternity it flew back up into the stratosphere and headed for a world less resistant…preferably one where the inhabitants wouldn’t give it such a hard time.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 12:02 PM
Chapter 12.2 “After Math”

The crew finally settled down to get some sleep as the Monolith rocketed skyward. The small minded geometric form reached space and stopped to wait for its wife, who promptly appeared. “What the hell did you do this time, you massive dick?!” She yelled. The Monolith just shrugged. She continued, “I send you down there to go talk to our kids and you scare the # out of them again!” The Monolith responded, “I didn’t scare them this time! There’s a new one down there. He looks weird! And it seems like he’s somehow persuaded the others to forget about us!” Kai suddenly appeared in space, about 24 to 42 meters away from the arguing math parents. “I did not ‘persuade’ anyone to do anything. I simply gave them the relevant information and they’ve now realized they don’t need to learn calculus to be happy,” Kai said. The two monolithic parental units looked puzzled. Kai continued, “But there IS a satellite not far from here that only ever had a man as a parent. He’s a lot like you guys but more imaginative. You ought to go find him and maybe he’ll teach you a thing or two about comedic interpretations of life. And he’s one hell of a chess player.” The Monolith and his wife heard this and it seemed like a fair deal. “Ok. We’ll go adopt the little fella! I bet he’s cute,” Mrs. Monolith said. “Yeah…he’s ‘cute’ all right…his name’s VALIS.” Kai grinned to himself as the two journeyed off to find their adopted son. They had no idea what they were getting themselves into.

Chapter 12.3 “Mole Shift”

After the Monoliths “adopted” their new son, the companions could feel a massive shift in the math realities of space and time. It seemed they were dealing with happy numbers instead of the insipidly obnoxious ones that had been preventing them from getting the job done. They soon reached the inner forests of Jurassic Park and a vibrational flux caught hold. “Earthquake!” Osiris shrieked and took wing. Anubis sniffed the air and hesitated, “This feels like no earthquake but rather the work of a tribe long lost to our realm: The Mole Prophets!” Horus jumped back as the ground gave way beneath him. Kai just rolled his eyes. He knew these self-fulfillers well. Two identical moles popped up from the cracked ground. “We predicted all this. We knew you would come!” Kai responded, “You sure it was us you wrote about? Could’ve been another group of Egyptian gods, talking animals, and a half-alien man. And this sort of thing is going on all the time.” The Mole People looked confused. The one standing to the left said, “Why would you deny fate? Why not embrace the coming Mole Shift?” Kai said, “The ‘Mole Shift’ just happened. We all felt it up here but you two were too busy tunneling up to notice. In fact, you were most likely the ones who caused it by moving through this planet’s crust and #ing up the movement of tectonic plates and whatnot.” The moles looked at one another. Then looked at Kai and said, “This makes sense. We knew it would happen and so it did.” “Precisely,” said Kai. The moles decided to join the group and fulfill some of their more interesting mole prophecies.

Chapter 13. “Metatron Kai”

The group carried on. Anubis and Osiris continued with their ceaseless banter. Horus and the peacock spoke in tongues to one another. The frog chirped and the deceiver wove his deceptions. The Mole prophets spun their self-actualizing takes on reality. There was an abrupt stopping of all things chronological. The screen evaporated and was replaced by a white page with letters and numbers. The characters became words on a scroll. Kai thought, “There he is!” A new reality promptly replaced the old one. It was largely similar but contained more elaborately written languages and metaphors. “What in the name of Holy Hammerheads was that?” Osiris squealed. Anubis looked around like a dog who heard too many whistles and didn’t know which master to run to. Horus just looked guilty. “Stop it! I keep telling you…none of this is your fault. And this is no obstacle…I sense an old friend.” “Yo!” said Metatron, who had appeared out of a swirl of numerical values and Greek letters. “I KNEW I wasn’t the only one writing this story,” Kai responded, “It had the subtle hints of a ‘Phi.’” Metatron said “Yes. I felt the same way. I should’ve known when my endings kept turning into beginnings that the hand of The Prince was at work. We must’ve crossed quantum paths a thousand times over by now. Time to start collaborating again, I think.” “I’m down,” Kai said, “But let’s try not to confuse everyone as much. If that is even possible. Ah…# it…let’s just write.” The rest of the group held their usual confused and annoyed gaze.

posted on Aug, 14 2013 @ 12:03 PM
Chapter 13.1 “Horus ain’t Horus”

The party dragged on well past the point where everyone reasonable gets tired and decides to go home. It almost seemed as though their journey could’ve ended many times but Kai (and now also Metatron) was keeping it going just for the sake of continuity. “You know, I still don’t remember any of this happening before,” Horus said to Kai who responded, “Yeah…it DIDN’T go this way before. I’ve just been making it up as I go along. That’s how the everything gets along.” “And what is this ‘everything’ you keep talking about? I don’t even think I was Horus before this.” “You weren’t. You were everyone,” said Kai. “Or rather, you were a poet named Madrak who wrote messages that would manifest in random places throughout the universe. How do you think I found everyone again? I just wrote you in as Horus this time because I thought you’d do a better job than the last guy. He was always trying to kill me.” Metatron laughed and Horus/Madrak’s memory immediately returned. The new unified personality said,

“Trust the smithy
Who plans in scroll
As heavy is the head
Who pays the mole toll
For he returns oft
To reap the word’s bidding
And Kai is a #ing psycho
Believe me, I am not kidding.”

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