reply to post by spartacus699
Well, I am a locksmith, but I cannot in good faith give any decent information on my methods, since they could easily be used by the criminally
minded to improve thier breaking and entering strategies, so I will keep my face shut on that topic.
So instead, welcome to TrueBrit's drunken cookery class!
How to make a Turkey Burger Sandwhich, using a club hammer:
You will need...
A packet containing four Bernard Matthews Turkey Burgers.
Two rashers of smoked bacon.
Half a red onion or more, dependant on how badass you are.
Two slices of bread.
Mayo, or favourite sauce, to taste.
A club hammer.
Take your packet of turkey burgers, and cut it open, releasing the frozen breaded burgers. Take careful note of the cooking instructions on the
reverse of the packet, then discard the packet, and ignore all the advice. Place the turkey burgers in a frying pan with a little oil, or place them
on the grill if you want to be a big girls blouse about it. Cook the ever loving crap out of them, in the pan. Turn them if you become bored, and when
they become golden brown on each side, stick a knife in them to ensure the insides appear to be cooked through, remove them from the pan, and place
the bacon rashers into the pan. Dont change the oil, that would be pretentious and wasteful.
Cook the bacon until you want to marry it. While the rashers are sizzling away, prepare your onion. I prefer to cut rings off and have big curls of
onion, rather than itty bitty diced chunks. Get your sliced bread out, but do not apply sauce just yet. Place the cooked turkey burgers on top of one
another, on one slice of bread. Take the cooked bacon rashers, and put them atop the stack of turkey burgers. Place the second slice of bread atop the
entire stack. You will note, that even without sauce, this sandwhich is pretty damned thick, and probably will not fit in your mouth.
Place the entire stack on a chopping board, and fetch your club hammer (for those who do not know what a club hammer is, imagine a sledge hammer, but
shorter and lighter). Take careful aim, and pound the stuffing out of that sandwhich, until it is thin enough to fit in your mouth without totally
obliterating any sense of dignity and self respect you may have. Be sure to strike the sandwhich with the flat of the hammer head, since we are aiming
not to actually split the top slice of bread, or indeed put a corner of the hammer head through the whole sandwhich. It is vital that you do not add
sauce before hitting the sandwhich, because if you are hitting it hard enough, and there is sauce already within, it will shoot out of the sides, like
a saucy frag mine, covering the whole kitchen in spatters of yummy goop.
Carefully peel the top slice of bread, away from the sandwhich, revealing its pulverised innards. Apply sauce to the smashed up slice of bread, put
the onion rings inside and lay the bread back down over the demolished contents of the sandwhich. Using a spatula, pry the entire thing off the
chopping board, and put it on a plate. Job done!
Now, some might say that this is not a healthy way to enjoy turkey, some might say that at least a token application of salad is necessary. I say, if
anything needs adding to the burger, it would either be more meat, or more sauce. I am not trying to reach old age here! Enjoy!
1-8-2013 by TrueBrit because: Edit to add onion placement.