Tired of Being Strong

You know that this elf will raise her sword to fight by your side. There was a time, back in the hidden forest when I could easily bounce back no matter what came my way. Eventually, the trolls, orcs and other ugly monters of the realm kept finding me and I could barely lift my sword.

I know it can be overwhelming. I have lived the pain and suffering of disease, sorrow, struggling and loss. I have cried all the tears I had left to cry. I have been lost in the dark and lonely days and nights of depression and searched for the light and encouregement myself as you know. I think you and I after all these years have saved each others sanity a time or two havn't we? All I know is that we need each other and our family and friends and ATS family to help us see our way through. We are not alone ever.

Take one day at a time, lose yourself in a great book or movie, stop for a while and don't analyze every little thing. Just be. You are still young enough, have talent, intelligence, wisdom and much potential to turn things around. I know this because I know you.

Originally posted by ccseagull
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

 

Dear LoneCloudhopper - you don't always have to be strong. Certainly not for others. It's not your job to make other people's lives easier. You can be there for them but you cannot make their lives better. I used to be that way and it just about destroyed me. I can offer suggestions or even better just lend a listening ear and love them unconditionally but in the end it's their choice. I leave it at that and go on with my life.

Life keeps coming at us, sometimes like a giant tidal wave. Choose which battles you wish to fight. Does the laundry need doing this exact moment? Do you need to go to that social outing or would having some quiet recharging time be more valuable? Sleep when you are tired. Nothing wrong with having a good nap.

Don't take too much on all at once. Do the things that absolutely need doing: go to work, eat, fill the car up with gas before you're stranded. But if everything else can wait then that's okay.

Treat yourself. A hot bath where you can just sit and it's just you. No distractions, noone wanting your attention, not worrying about the mess in your living room. Add some good smelling stuff. Sounds hokey but water is very therapeutic to the mind and body.

You're a writer - this means you are creative. Get some paints, muck around. Build bird houses. Make a new dish.

Look after your health, get good sleep, start looking for a new and healthier job. Don't be 55 years old and thinking, "I had the chance to get out of here and never acted, now I am stuck forever." Nothing kills the spirit more than knowing you have to go into a job, that you hate, every day and have no options.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Allow yourself to make mistakes, realize you're special and unique and people love you. Get a pet, even just a goldfish can do wonders.

Just throwing out ideas. And even though I don't know you I hope you know that I care about you. When that wave keeps crashing over you just relax and flow in its waters. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've "been there/done that". You're going to be just fine. Hugs!!!

I needed to hear this, thank you for this beautiful reply. It can be amazing how simple pleasures, like a bath or a nap when you feel like it can make a world of difference. Routine can make a robot out of you and when you're home it's very healing to just lie around (or play around with arts or crafts) to ease back into something more human/natural.

There are a few things that can help. Its not a matter of one individual item making "all the difference" in your own life, but in all the little pieces that add up to something bigger and more beautiful. These are some of the things I do, because life can be damn hard sometimes.

1) Always consider that even in our darkest hours, there is someone who has it worse.

2) Focus on the positive, and accept both the positive and negative things in life.

3) Think about where you are going with your future, and what you will do to get there.

4) Think about your inevitable moment of death (we are all going to experience it). When you are at this moment, what exactly do you want to look back on? Choose today what you want to see in your life when looking back on it.

5) How can you make the world a better place for those around you? In doing so, you will also make it a better place for yourself and also have the satisfaction of helping others feel better too.

6) Be kind to everyone, we are ALL facing our own battles.

7) Get out of the city. Look at the stars.

8) Sometimes taking your mind off of things is good, and sometimes we really need to focus on whats right/wrong. We can also do both by trying to perceive *everything* that is going on around us and within us. Even just in your room, the amount of forces at play are, very literally, incomprehensible!

9) I Meditate. The above could be viewed as a form of meditation, but there are many different ways. Exploring all of them is a life long effort that can provide a consistent foundation for all of our experiences. You can choose what this foundation is, and what it is "made of." There are so many ways to "be," that finding our own can be life-changing. Especially when you consciously perceive you are, will, and have been "be-ing" all along.

This is just for me, as we all only speak for ourselves. Each one wont solve all of my problems, but when used together along with countless other things (like playing with a dog, or watching ants move their colony) can really be helpful in the choice of continuing to grow in life. Overall, life seems to be as beautiful as it is tragic, but through our choices, we can determine which we bring into the world with our actions and our very perspective.

Originally posted by Akragon
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

 

Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

If I am interpreting this right, it basically means the same as: "to thine own self be true," to look at the spiritual side and not to focus on the materialistic. I've always been very spiritual but I do not feel very spiritual at work. It's as if a wall goes up lately and I feel trapped in a prison of sorts, especially with so little time away from it. I plan to try to do better at this though.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

Ask and ye shall receive. My advice. Give up! Yup giving up works wonders, you should totally try it.

A great many of the things that bother us we burden ourselfs with them. I would suggest you just give up on a great many of them, most times things just aren't worth it. But most often and likely we burden yourself with things which are not only not necessary but harmful for us, and that includes ideals and believes.

Your whole thought process that whole knight thing is probably not healthy or good for you, believe me I know. Its funny how some things work out, most of the things we believe or keep to if actually done in reality have a way of manifesting in totally different and sometimes completely opposite routes. That's why the logical completion and end of that whole fairy princess free love thing which some people mostly females got going on is the swinger lifestyle or being taken advantaged of. And the logical conclusion of that whole white knight thing that some dudes have is you usually end up being used up and discarded probably being dropped in a ditch somewhere or in the hospital completely burned out, waiting for the time to run on end.

Life works in mysterious ways my friend, one day you just may figure that out. The above are just two mysterious ways which life works, but there are many and much more mysteries to this life thing. Stay tuned and you will one day be privy to them. Once many lifetimes ago I was like you. Now! Well now I am totally more illuminated, and I am free to have other problems.

Any advice? What does a proud knight do when the weight of his armor wears on him and he yearns to let it all go? I am tired of the long journey with no rewards, always doing right, always being underappreciated and misunderstood, never getting anywhere. Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?

There is your problem right there. For some people doing something so you can get the cheese at the end of the maze is a thrill and the thing they live for day in and day out, in fact our whole societies are based on getting people to run on the mouseweels and mazes so they can get the cheese at the end, they call that there journey. The gears and cogs of society are just that, and they are meant to ever keep churning. People have been conditioned so much so on that that its practically the only thing they can do. You ever see retired people or people who have been working for years at a job, even if its a job they love. Once they have free time to themselves they quite literally don't know what to do with themselves, and they spiral down into all kinds of things.

"But only man is a grave burden for himself! That is because he carries on his shoulders too much that is alien to him. Like a camel, he kneels down and lets himself be well loaded."

Your carrying a lot of foreign and alien things. Things such as Ideas, Ideals, believes, thoughts, conditioning's, all these things are alien things, and ultimately not even yours but have been placed upon you, your burdens to carry. And if you make that your journey, well its going to be a sucky journey. Believe me I know, I have carried much and and more, some things you would not believe even I told you. Some of them I have carried from lifetime to lifetime. To me your practically a mewling, snot nosed half retarded child, who's whining crying and bitching about carrying his backpack to school. The most important thing here is to do what I say. And what I say is, you should totally contemplate on giving up, before you carry on.

Everyone I know is either married or living with someone, most of them raising families. I have a girlfriend but I live alone. I am doing a job that I hate and I am a struggling author (the worst kind of career because you spend years of blood and tears with no promise of publication.) I do not drink or do drugs. Every artistic person that I know does both. What keeps me going?

Obviously you if you have a girlfriends but you live alone, well that kind of defeats the whole point of having a girlfriend in the first place. Though the secret to any good and long lasting relationship is to not spend to much time together, you need to be just knowledgeable of each other so that you can get and know each others peculiar perks and what buttons to press and what not to press, but you don't want to know each other more then you have to. So your just as likely to be on your way to a better relationship as your likely to be your way out of one. Either way, you know whatever. Jobs are jobs, you don't seem to have anything tying you down to that either, as for writing. Ya keep at it, the best writer I seen on this site was a doinky weirdo who used to frequent this site. You however, um ya! Keep at it.

"Be the change you wish to see" (in this world) You can change any or all parts of your situation.

And being admittedly a strong person...Im sure you can. To start to think about what you want to be different and change in your lifestyle....I think would make you excited to realize that change can be right around the corner for you! You can change it all...or just small parts!

And remember this: A journey of 1,000 miles...begins with the 1st step. So, pack your bags...the world is at your doorstep.

Originally posted by Char-Lee
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

 

You sound like a great person. Clearly the job at the moment is a necessity so i guess you need to keep in mind it is only for the check so not to stress over i call in sick if you need tot. It sounds like the best part of life is ahead for you you just have to not get to tired on the road. Maybe a change a vacation or doing something out of character would help right now?

I recommend that you use colloidal silver. My husband and I make our own now and we have taken it for about 4 years, all the illnesses that are related to virus and such that he always brought from work...gone, we have not had a sick day by taking the silver the second we feel any being twinge of illness.

That sounds like very healthy advice. I feel that what you are saying is where I am at right now.

I am not that familiar with colloidal silver but I see that a lot of people have found it affective. Interesting.

Originally posted by Night Star
You know that this elf will raise her sword to fight by your side. There was a time, back in the hidden forest when I could easily bounce back no matter what came my way. Eventually, the trolls, orcs and other ugly monters of the realm kept finding me and I could barely lift my sword.

I know it can be overwhelming. I have lived the pain and suffering of disease, sorrow, struggling and loss. I have cried all the tears I had left to cry. I have been lost in the dark and lonely days and nights of depression and searched for the light and encouregement myself as you know. I think you and I after all these years have saved each others sanity a time or two havn't we? All I know is that we need each other and our family and friends and ATS family to help us see our way through. We are not alone ever.

Take one day at a time, lose yourself in a great book or movie, stop for a while and don't analyze every little thing. Just be. You are still young enough, have talent, intelligence, wisdom and much potential to turn things around. I know this because I know you.

That's beautiful, Night. Having you in my life always makes things easier.

reply to post by Serdgiam


Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It's appreciated, but I have considered all these things when I was quite young and have pretty much lived my life by them lol. I live in a small town and, fortunately, the woods aren't far away from me. I always feel much better when I am in nature. It's a natural meditation to sit back against a tree and just feel the serenity of the forest.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


I presented them all as life long goals. They are very simple, but not necessarily easy. They are also concepts that have been around for literally thousands of years!

I dont have the easiest life, but those are some of the things that help me. As I said, we all only speak for our own perspective. It wasnt just a reply to you, but for anyone who might be reading as well.

We all have difficulties, and all have different ways of dealing with them.

reply to post by galadofwarthethird

Ask and ye shall receive. My advice. Give up! Yup giving up works wonders, you should totally try it.

Your thoughts here are interesting and I agree with much of it. You can allow yourself to be molded into the slave mind or molded into a successful mind by which path you stick yourself too, but luck is always a factor in the journey to (or fate, depending on who you ask.) “Mysterious” says it best. Asking doesn't always get you what you want or even what you need.

Its funny how some things work out, most of the things we believe or keep to if actually done in reality have a way of manifesting in totally different and sometimes completely opposite routes.

I have noticed this too and it is indeed amusing!

Life works in mysterious ways my friend, one day you just may figure that out

I’ve always seen life as mysterious and have had many spiritual experiences in my life, but despite this, and the interesting traits which run in my strong Celtic ancestry, I have gained little knowledge of how to flow with the current of life myself. My path has been a rocky one. I think that synchronicity has something to do with it.

Your carrying a lot of foreign and alien things. Things such as Ideas, Ideals, believes, thoughts, conditioning's, all these things are alien things, and ultimately not even yours but have been placed upon you, your burdens to carry. And if you make that your journey, well its going to be a sucky journey. Believe me I know, I have carried much and and more, some things you would not believe even I told you. Some of them I have carried from lifetime to lifetime. To me your practically a mewling, snot nosed half retarded child, who's whining crying and bitching about carrying his backpack to school. The most important thing here is to do what I say. And what I say is, you should totally contemplate on giving up, before you carry on.

Crudely put but I see the clear truth in what you are saying. I was free once and I fought hard to resist getting sucked into the adult (working) world, but eventually it did suck me in. I was afraid because I didn’t want to be turned into a slave mind, but I guess it has partially happened to me. I resist while I give in, which is pretty much how it works until you get in a better place in your life. There are also traits and morals conditioned in me in my upbringing, some which I value. Sometimes they may be a problem and so there may be a time to let them go (if just temporarily.)

I could just quit, cold turkey: leave my job, my debts and take what money I have and just travel. I've dreamed of doing this and have known those who have (and they seemed happy in doing it.) But the world isn't all so great and debts are not fun either. You can't run from the threads you sew. Things have to be dealt with before you can move on. It takes will, patience and time to do it properly. I've done it before and I can again.

Thanks for your advice. It was pretty fair, considering that you really don't know me. I found some of it insightful.

reply to post by Serdgiam


Huh. I reached those decisions when I was about 10 years old. I always felt an inner desire to make a positive difference in the world around me. It seems inherent, but I wonder if it's how everyone feels deep down inside. Who wouldn't want to be a hero at heart? It's just hard to always try to stand for what's right in reality because people will criticize you, defend their wrongdoings, run you down, attack or even kill you for it. This world is quite ill and many people are profiting off this illness (lies, deception, greed, etc.) It's a "game" and you're supposed to be a "player." I always refused. It goes against who I am and what I believe. I've met a number of people online who are the same way and one thing we all share: bouts of depression lol

Originally posted by mysterioustranger
"Be the change you wish to see" (in this world) You can change any or all parts of your situation.

And being admittedly a strong person...Im sure you can. To start to think about what you want to be different and change in your lifestyle....I think would make you excited to realize that change can be right around the corner for you! You can change it all...or just small parts!

And remember this: A journey of 1,000 miles...begins with the 1st step. So, pack your bags...the world is at your doorstep.

Oh, I almost overlooked your post. You have a very amusing avatar too!

The wisdom of patience. I always point out how people think rocks are stronger than water and yet the persistence of the tide defeats the hardness of the stones, smashing them down into a fine sand over time.

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
reply to post by Serdgiam

 

Huh. I reached those decisions when I was about 10 years old. I always felt an inner desire to make a positive difference in the world around me. It seems inherent, but I wonder if it's how everyone feels deep down inside. Who wouldn't want to be a hero at heart? It's just hard to always try to stand for what's right in reality because people will criticize you, defend their wrongdoings, run you down, attack or even kill you for it. This world is quite ill and many people are profiting off this illness (lies, deception, greed, etc.) It's a "game" and you're supposed to be a "player." I always refused. It goes against who I am and what I believe. I've met a number of people online who are the same way and one thing we all share: bouts of depression lol

I do feel that they are "inherent" to the universe. It would only make sense, I think. Not only have they been around for quite some time, but they really seem to be a natural way to look at things.

Perhaps if we lived in a different culture, it wouldnt have even taken you 10 years to figure out, but would have just been encouraged from the start!

I think the depression sets in any time someone is fighting some type of uphill battle. And to be honest, almost every battle feels like its uphill.

This worlds current cultural story is essentially "greed before need." Do you create this or negate this with your own perspective, beliefs and action?

Going back to some of what I posted initially, what are you doing to not just be the change you wish to see, but actively pursue it? It is both a goal and a journey, in my mind.

What actions, decisions, and achievements do you want to look back on in old age? What are you doing *right now* to get there?

In that vein, sometimes I like to focus on where I am going, and how I am going to get there, instead of the negative aspects of where I currently am.

To do this, I have come up with a project with many facets. Everything from a different approach to education and science, to a different perspective on how we can design the things we use everyday. Will it ever come to fruition in the large scale? I have no idea! But, it might, and so I decided to pursue it with all of my might.

What goals are you working to achieve right here and now? I think if we share these things, and work together, we can truly get through anything on both the individual and societal level.

Hello
You are creative, me too. Unfortunately we can imagine lots of horrible things in great detail unlike non creative people, I've heard it is with this trait the majority of people suffer. But on the upside we are also more in touch with peoples feelings and can put ourselves in other peoples shoes and we can also imagine lots of fantastic things too you just have to re train your mind every time you start to think those unhelpful intrusive thoughts, I just used to tell myself out loud to shut the hell up! then I would laugh because I was talking to myself and im babbling.

Hopefully reading all these lovely posts of random people trying to help someone they don't even know makes you smile and you can come back and read them everytime you feel low.


Don't fight it to much though its only when I accepted my sadness that I started to get over it.
P.s have a banana. Happy fruit ;-)

Dear Cloudhopper (maybe drop the Lone?),
As some have said, it's time to drop the idea that you must wear your self imposed armor. You can be noble, be a "knight" and be honorable and true, defender of the weak and downtrodden, be bold and of a brave heart, to wander to parts unknown, to explore and walk through fear--be all of this--but do it willingly and joyfully. Don't be a martyr or victim of your "image" of how you need to be.

Fatigue breeds negativity. I know when my asthma acts up after catching a cold or flu, or aggravated by some allergens, it makes me so fatigued, tired, weak, and I start to forget what life was like before the asthma episode. Would suggest reading through the many threads about healthy alternative choices to stay well. Drink lots of water (good for asthma). Eat right and exercise, get good sleep, make time to meditate, write, plan, dream, and connect with good people.

I too am a creative soul, and a writer who hasn't been published (yet!). I feel your "stuckness" - but a writer writes, regardless. And don't write about being a knight in heavy armor, write so your truth comes through.

I am a fan of the LOTR -- not a crazy fan, but they are my favorite films because it is my favorite story. There is always hope. And, nothing gets accomplished without friendships and teamwork. You never have to be the lone knight. That's just an archetype or role you've adopted. You can shed that "persona" anytime you choose. Doesn't mean you don't listen to and help others, but inside, you know the universe is a friendly, supportive place and you have a reason for being here and a right to be here, and you don't have to fight for your basic freedoms. But we have an obligation to fight on behalf of others who cannot defend themselves.

It's okay to be sad, tired, scared - whatever. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be vulnerable. But know that you are powerful too. That power comes from being your true self.

First, get well. Then, take a weekend or some vacation time, and even if you can't afford to get away, take some excursions to lakes, rivers, woods, mountains, gardens--whatever is close by and inexpensive/free. Take walks, sit, write, dream, do walking meditation....with the intention of remembering what you came here to do, what is your magnificent obsession and purpose. What did you come here to be, do, create? What will be your legacy? Don't measure it in terms of worldly goods. Measure it in terms of nobleness.

Just my two cents. Best to you.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

It may sound banal, but if you afford it, you should take a vacation. Preferably one where others take care of you.

reply to post by Serdgiam

Going back to some of what I posted initially, what are you doing to not just be the change you wish to see, but actively pursue it? It is both a goal and a journey, in my mind.

You seem to have a very healthy outlook. I have often asked myself exactly this and it is the kind of advice that I would give to others. I guess though that my life has really placed a lot of restraints on me lately, it's been crazy. A friend of mine who is the very strong, optimistic outlook type even admits that I've had a lot of real crappy, bad luck lately. It's hard to get enough time and energy together to even clear my mind and remember who I really am and what I'm really about. I've been sucked under overwhelming financial, health and workplace pressure that it's hard to 'come up to breathe.' I suppose if I can just push through this difficult time things will (hopefully) get easier and I can deal with the obstacles as I normally do.

What I'd really like to do involves going places and spending time with people who I really care about, but this takes money I don't currently have. I also want to work on creative projects, but this takes time and energy I don't currently have. So, I guess, for the meantime I just have to focus on the 'little things' to get me through this difficult time.

Your wisdom is sound though and I agree. We should live our lives how we'd want to live them and not how we'd think we should. Looking back from ahead is how I do it too.

Originally posted by idontknow5
Hello
You are creative, me too. Unfortunately we can imagine lots of horrible things in great detail unlike non creative people, I've heard it is with this trait the majority of people suffer. But on the upside we are also more in touch with peoples feelings and can put ourselves in other peoples shoes and we can also imagine lots of fantastic things too

you just have to re train your mind every time you start to think those unhelpful intrusive thoughts, I just used to tell myself out loud to shut the hell up! then I would laugh because I was talking to myself and im babbling.

Hopefully reading all these lovely posts of random people trying to help someone they don't even know makes you smile and you can come back and read them everytime you feel low.


Don't fight it to much though its only when I accepted my sadness that I started to get over it.
P.s have a banana. Happy fruit ;-)

edit on 1-7-2013 by idontknow5 because: stupid spelling

This was very insightful into my personality! Either you're quite perceptive or you got lucky lol. But yeah, us sensitive/spiritual/artistic types have a harder time in this world because we take in more, too much, and it overwhelms us. You do indeed have to retrain yourself to block out certain things and to avoid negative avenues of thought or focus.

Never heard of bananas as 'happy fruit' before lol I like them for their potassium, which is good while in warm weather.

Originally posted by Galadriel
Dear Cloudhopper (maybe drop the Lone?),
As some have said, it's time to drop the idea that you must wear your self imposed armor. You can be noble, be a "knight" and be honorable and true, defender of the weak and downtrodden, be bold and of a brave heart, to wander to parts unknown, to explore and walk through fear--be all of this--but do it willingly and joyfully. Don't be a martyr or victim of your "image" of how you need to be.

Fatigue breeds negativity. I know when my asthma acts up after catching a cold or flu, or aggravated by some allergens, it makes me so fatigued, tired, weak, and I start to forget what life was like before the asthma episode. Would suggest reading through the many threads about healthy alternative choices to stay well. Drink lots of water (good for asthma). Eat right and exercise, get good sleep, make time to meditate, write, plan, dream, and connect with good people.

I too am a creative soul, and a writer who hasn't been published (yet!). I feel your "stuckness" - but a writer writes, regardless. And don't write about being a knight in heavy armor, write so your truth comes through.

I am a fan of the LOTR -- not a crazy fan, but they are my favorite films because it is my favorite story. There is always hope. And, nothing gets accomplished without friendships and teamwork. You never have to be the lone knight. That's just an archetype or role you've adopted. You can shed that "persona" anytime you choose. Doesn't mean you don't listen to and help others, but inside, you know the universe is a friendly, supportive place and you have a reason for being here and a right to be here, and you don't have to fight for your basic freedoms. But we have an obligation to fight on behalf of others who cannot defend themselves.

It's okay to be sad, tired, scared - whatever. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be vulnerable. But know that you are powerful too. That power comes from being your true self.

First, get well. Then, take a weekend or some vacation time, and even if you can't afford to get away, take some excursions to lakes, rivers, woods, mountains, gardens--whatever is close by and inexpensive/free. Take walks, sit, write, dream, do walking meditation....with the intention of remembering what you came here to do, what is your magnificent obsession and purpose. What did you come here to be, do, create? What will be your legacy? Don't measure it in terms of worldly goods. Measure it in terms of nobleness.

Just my two cents. Best to you.

Thank you for this considerate reply. There is much that I could say in response, but I'll try to keep it brief.

I am also a fan of the LOTG novel and films. It is my second favorite book. Tolkien was right about the dangers of the ego's deceptive wants vs. the Greater Good. I always believed in being true of heart and resisting the temptations of what I knew to be wrong, but gradually I learned to put up walls to those around me and to act strong. The world taught me this.

My favorite book is "A Christmas Carol." I always identified with Scrooge's story. Not that I'm greedy or a "miserable old miser," but I identify with being a good person who felt crushed by a cold world around him. His skin kept getting thicker until he couldn't feel anything anymore. To him, this was just a natural reaction to a cold and brutal world. Without realizing it, he’d lost himself in the process. I was always afraid that I'd end up like Scrooge, but I think my heart is too good for that to happen. But my life has been a solitary struggle. I had to deal with the system always trying to mold me into something I’m not, abuse by teachers and students alike when I was young and then difficult people in job places. I learned to be 'tough' in order to 'hold my own.' People respect me a lot more now and they compliment me on my confidence. But truthfully, inside I'm much more like the Scrooge in the end who just wants to love and be loved.

I'm soft on the inside and on the outside (people always like me.) I just keep a lot behind a very thick wall because I guess I'd feel insecure without it. I've learned to deal with various financial, health and personal problems by putting a wall up and being 'tough,' and I guess it's become a crutch of sorts. I love just being me, but who I am at heart is less masculine and more sensitive. I can appear very strong or very sensitive (what many people would judge as weak,) depending on how much I choose to conceal or reveal. I kind of like having this option lol.

Thank you for your advice. I feel that we are much alike at heart. Good luck on your writing!