Tired of Being Strong

I remember a news story years ago about a girl who committed suicide, but this was no ordinary girl. She’d reached out to others contemplating suicide in tough times and she saved them. These girls spoke out with teary eyes in praise of her and expressed their shock and disappointment that they had no idea that she herself, the one whom they’d leaned on for strength, was secretly struggling with depression herself.

This is my lot. People lean on me for strength or look to me for inspiration. They say that I am strong and I see why, but inside I feel so frayed. I don’t mean to sound smart in saying this but I honestly believe that even strength costs you: it takes effort to be strong (it is a learned trait.) I feel like I was a young prince who ventured bravely into a dangerous quest that he was not ready for. He was nearly slain by orcs and dragons, but survived. His skin became as leather and he built a suit of armor. Now he walks like a champion, afraid of nothing and ready for anything. But this armor weighs him down and under his thick skin his sensitive heart is sobbing for release.

I am tired of the self-dieseline and the drive to keep going. Last Friday I nearly blacked out at work because I was fighting through a bad virus (the second bad one within a month,) after five six-day work weeks, with summer allergies and not handling the emerging humidity very well (I am asthmatic and working in shellfish processing doesn’t help either.) I pushed myself until I nearly lost consciousness before I was willing to go home sick. When I returned, I realized how exhausted I truly was. Now, with time to rest and a new air conditioner, I feel better physically, but I am really feeling stretched on the inside.

Everyone I know is either married or living with someone, most of them raising families. I have a girlfriend but I live alone. I am doing a job that I hate and I am a struggling author (the worst kind of career because you spend years of blood and tears with no promise of publication.) I do not drink or do drugs. Every artistic person that I know does both. What keeps me going? Lately I wonder.

Any advice? What does a proud knight do when the weight of his armor wears on him and he yearns to let it all go? I am tired of the long journey with no rewards, always doing right, always being underappreciated and misunderstood, never getting anywhere. Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?

no, probably not.

well aside from the Hemingway out... I'm being cheeky of course.

Man, it's tough out there. lemme tell you. I was married for eight years, happily, or so I thought. lost it all. I haven't talked to my kids in months, haven't seen them in three years. I am trying like crazy to find work. It isn't easy. I'm a starving artist as well, a writer like you, non-published, probably never will be, but i'm gonna keep trying. Writing because I love to and no other reason.

If it's one thing I've learned it's that the orcs never stop coming and they seem to have an endless supply of goblins too. We have got to keep fighting them though, otherwise we die and the orcs get all our treasure and I'll be damned if I campaigned for sixty hours to get that +3 longsword of flames just so those grubby sots could peel it out of my cold hands.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2




Change the circumstances. Look for a job you like. Happiness starts with you. But.....you have to be the catalyst.

And find somewhere to watch the sunrise over water. Not sure why that has such an impact, but it's my cure-all.
And smile.

Ah dear Knight...

I feel your pain, I really do. It's almost a carbon copy of how I feel.

But, you're a Knight, dig your heels in, draw a line in the sand, sharpen your sword.. NO MORE!! Don't let life get you, fight it all the way, don't give in!!

Rip off your armour, you'll be faster and more agile and look life in the eye, let it know it isn't going to win. This is your red line and you're fighting back now, everyone should be afraid!!

Take courage, easier said than done, I know.

As for the job, it's only one job, there are millions out there, look for something else BUT whilst you are there, do what I do and escape into my mind. Write your stories in your head, create worlds and heroes and adventures for them, the time soon passes.
You sound like you need some time off work, is it possible to take a couple of weeks off and go away on your own? Take some time out and refresh yourself.

Don't equate happiness to being in a relationship too, I have been in some incredibly hurtful relationships where I've been betrayed by those I loved. I genuinely prefer to be alone now, I'm happier that way.

I've been using techniques to help myself focus on the here and now, forgetting the past and impassive to the future, it seems to help.

Originally posted by LoneCloudHopper2
I remember a news story years ago about a girl who committed suicide, but this was no ordinary girl. She’d reached out to others contemplating suicide in tough times and she saved them. These girls spoke out with teary eyes in praise of her and expressed their shock and disappointment that they had no idea that she herself, the one whom they’d leaned on for strength, was secretly struggling with depression herself.

This is my lot. People lean on me for strength or look to me for inspiration. They say that I am strong and I see why, but inside I feel so frayed. I don’t mean to sound smart in saying this but I honestly believe that even strength costs you: it takes effort to be strong (it is a learned trait.) I feel like I was a young prince who ventured bravely into a dangerous quest that he was not ready for. He was nearly slain by orcs and dragons, but survived. His skin became as leather and he built a suit of armor. Now he walks like a champion, afraid of nothing and ready for anything. But this armor weighs him down and under his thick skin his sensitive heart is sobbing for release.

I am tired of the self-dieseline and the drive to keep going. Last Friday I nearly blacked out at work because I was fighting through a bad virus (the second bad one within a month,) after five six-day work weeks, with summer allergies and not handling the emerging humidity very well (I am asthmatic and working in shellfish processing doesn’t help either.) I pushed myself until I nearly lost consciousness before I was willing to go home sick. When I returned, I realized how exhausted I truly was. Now, with time to rest and a new air conditioner, I feel better physically, but I am really feeling stretched on the inside.

Everyone I know is either married or living with someone, most of them raising families. I have a girlfriend but I live alone. I am doing a job that I hate and I am a struggling author (the worst kind of career because you spend years of blood and tears with no promise of publication.) I do not drink or do drugs. Every artistic person that I know does both. What keeps me going? Lately I wonder.

Any advice? What does a proud knight do when the weight of his armor wears on him and he yearns to let it all go? I am tired of the long journey with no rewards, always doing right, always being underappreciated and misunderstood, never getting anywhere. Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?

Tough time indeed but let me tell you something very important, it is in the hardest times one needs to make more effort. You have pressure on you, alright that is one thing, but remember perception has its part to play. If you see yourself and unable to deal with it, you will not. The way I use lately is to see every problem in my life as a opportunity for growth. I would have a dragon in front of me : " alright, it is tall and strong might and it is flying ... I will handle it just give me some time."

The real deal here is to accept the challenges which comes to you "not simply saying yes bring me #", but rather as an opportunity to gain something which you might be lacking, be it getting published for your work as a writer.

I feel ya man and I can tell you, you are not alone, many are struggling, but in these tough times, we must remain stronger than we ever been to make it through.




Stay strong, for just of having thought about it your halfway there, resilient one.





Thruthseek3r

I'm sorry to read that you have been feeling down lately. Depression sucks, literally it sucks the life right out of you. Might I suggest you get a camera, doesn't have to be an expensive one. I suggest a camera because going out and taking pictures of interesting, beautiful, scenic things is a great way to spend some time with yourself.

You might learn to appreciate Architecture more, trees,the scenery in general. It gives you a different perspective on life in general. Meet up with a group of hikers and go into those Canadian woods and show us all here on ATS just what Canada has to offer. This is what I did it might not work for you and I was just more bored than anything but my whole life changed after getting a camera...made me always want to see the next pretty place or capture the smile on someones face.

If you don't like cameras...or taking pictures there are many other things you can do. Go out and meet new people. Find what you do like...what brings you joy and do that. Surround yourself with people who don't suck the life out of you. Take some time away from your book...your friends...and do something different if you can. And you know what, it's okay to tell your friends that you are depressed and in need of their guidance.

There is a whole big world out there filled with beautiful, magical things....go out and find some.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

T H White, The Once and Future King.

Always works for me...

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


You can't always be captain save-a-ho (metaphorically speaking) many times you need to step back and take care of yourself before putting others ahead of you. Hard it may seem at first and some might refute that your being selfish but then again if your not at 100% then your giving off the last of that energy to someone else when you, yourself needs to be recharged.

Take time and enjoy the aspects of life that give you energy so that you can recharge.

Best of luck~

For what it's worth

I took off my battered armour a long time ago

I was called many things when supposed friends discovered I was living life for me and not just there for them to bitch at and have their problems solved for them.

But I discovered a nice guy inside that armour, a guy with humour as a weapon.
People still come for support, but now I just make them laugh and think for themselves

So my friend trust in yourself as others have. But most of all laugh

never feel like this



When you can feel like this


Life is full of wonderment


and fun


Just remember this is you inside


And one day this may be your inspiration


Just a thought

Cody

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


Dear LoneCloudhopper - you don't always have to be strong. Certainly not for others. It's not your job to make other people's lives easier. You can be there for them but you cannot make their lives better. I used to be that way and it just about destroyed me. I can offer suggestions or even better just lend a listening ear and love them unconditionally but in the end it's their choice. I leave it at that and go on with my life.

Life keeps coming at us, sometimes like a giant tidal wave. Choose which battles you wish to fight. Does the laundry need doing this exact moment? Do you need to go to that social outing or would having some quiet recharging time be more valuable? Sleep when you are tired. Nothing wrong with having a good nap.

Don't take too much on all at once. Do the things that absolutely need doing: go to work, eat, fill the car up with gas before you're stranded. But if everything else can wait then that's okay.

Treat yourself. A hot bath where you can just sit and it's just you. No distractions, noone wanting your attention, not worrying about the mess in your living room. Add some good smelling stuff. Sounds hokey but water is very therapeutic to the mind and body.

You're a writer - this means you are creative. Get some paints, muck around. Build bird houses. Make a new dish.

Look after your health, get good sleep, start looking for a new and healthier job. Don't be 55 years old and thinking, "I had the chance to get out of here and never acted, now I am stuck forever." Nothing kills the spirit more than knowing you have to go into a job, that you hate, every day and have no options.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Allow yourself to make mistakes, realize you're special and unique and people love you. Get a pet, even just a goldfish can do wonders.

Just throwing out ideas. And even though I don't know you I hope you know that I care about you. When that wave keeps crashing over you just relax and flow in its waters. And just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've "been there/done that". You're going to be just fine. Hugs!!!

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

Is there a way out or a compromise that might appease this pain and mental exhaustion?

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2


You sound like a great person. Clearly the job at the moment is a necessity so i guess you need to keep in mind it is only for the check so not to stress over i call in sick if you need tot. It sounds like the best part of life is ahead for you you just have to not get to tired on the road. Maybe a change a vacation or doing something out of character would help right now?

I recommend that you use colloidal silver. My husband and I make our own now and we have taken it for about 4 years, all the illnesses that are related to virus and such that he always brought from work...gone, we have not had a sick day by taking the silver the second we feel any being twinge of illness.

reply to post by CagliostroTheGreat


Sorry to hear that. These are difficult times with the global economy for sure. I hope things work out for you as well. With getting published, I think it comes down to making contacts or happening to having written exactly the kind of sub-genre which they are looking for urgently right at the time that they receive your query letter. It's not about art, like they claim. It's just business (and politics.)

reply to post by network dude


Thanks for the encouragement. I am working on setting up a better job option through some friends of mine, but it's just taking a little time to get going.

Originally posted by Mister_Bit
Ah dear Knight...

I feel your pain, I really do. It's almost a carbon copy of how I feel.

But, you're a Knight, dig your heels in, draw a line in the sand, sharpen your sword.. NO MORE!! Don't let life get you, fight it all the way, don't give in!!

Rip off your armour, you'll be faster and more agile and look life in the eye, let it know it isn't going to win. This is your red line and you're fighting back now, everyone should be afraid!!

Take courage, easier said than done, I know.

As for the job, it's only one job, there are millions out there, look for something else BUT whilst you are there, do what I do and escape into my mind. Write your stories in your head, create worlds and heroes and adventures for them, the time soon passes.
You sound like you need some time off work, is it possible to take a couple of weeks off and go away on your own? Take some time out and refresh yourself.

Don't equate happiness to being in a relationship too, I have been in some incredibly hurtful relationships where I've been betrayed by those I loved. I genuinely prefer to be alone now, I'm happier that way.

I've been using techniques to help myself focus on the here and now, forgetting the past and impassive to the future, it seems to help.

Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful advice, it's appreciated! I like the idea of ripping off your armor and fighting faster (more naturally.) Well put!

reply to post by thruthseek3r


I suppose sometimes I probably rush into battles too quickly and overlook the learning/growth part a bit. You're right about being patient, accepting the difficulties and just seeing it through.

reply to post by brandiwine14


Actually, I do have a camera and do go on nature walks. It's just that, lately I have so little time and energy to spare. When I have more time and energy and I am not being so drained by depression (and humidity) I will do as you advise. I am looking forward to it. In the meantime I guess I'll watch nature vids and listen to nature sounds online. I find that very cleansing too.

reply to post by KilgoreTrout


I love a good book. Haven't read that one yet. I'll have to.

Originally posted by sulaw
reply to post by LoneCloudHopper2

 

You can't always be captain save-a-ho (metaphorically speaking) many times you need to step back and take care of yourself before putting others ahead of you. Hard it may seem at first and some might refute that your being selfish but then again if your not at 100% then your giving off the last of that energy to someone else when you, yourself needs to be recharged.

Take time and enjoy the aspects of life that give you energy so that you can recharge.

Best of luck~

Thanks, and I agree that sometimes you need to be 'selfish' and look after yourself until you heal up. Lately I feel like I am giving too much away. I think I'll spend a day just watching movies and playing games.

Originally posted by cody599
For what it's worth

I took off my battered armour a long time ago

I was called many things when supposed friends discovered I was living life for me and not just there for them to bitch at and have their problems solved for them.

But I discovered a nice guy inside that armour, a guy with humour as a weapon.
People still come for support, but now I just make them laugh and think for themselves

So my friend trust in yourself as others have. But most of all laugh

never feel like this



When you can feel like this


Life is full of wonderment


and fun


Just remember this is you inside


And one day this may be your inspiration


Just a thought

Cody

Thanks, this actually did make me laugh!