The Raccoon Conspiracy and Upcoming Apocalypse

The battle has begun.
The battle of man versus raccoon.

We have been fooled into thinking that they were just simple rats ,digging through our garbage here in America,simply to get food.

It is more than that.

They're plan is both simple,but yet ingenious.

You see,the raccoon is a very intelligent being.They have the cognitive skills beyond your common household pets,in fact rival those of monkeys.

I have ,in fact ,discovered the plan,they're plan to become the top of the food chain,replacing humans.

It starts of with them digging through our garbage,making a mess,causing stress.

In my case,I try to trap them,humanely.Sometimes I am successful,sometimes not.

I have currently experienced a certain mocking behavior directed towards me by those 'coons.

Only because I have captured one of the top officers.



His army as come to rescue him,but unknown to them,he was released miles away by the Ohio river.



But,I give them credit.They know our weakness.
Due to the stress of they're attacks,we go to the doctors,seeking relief.
We are prescribed anti-depressants ,sleeping pills and what ever ails us that we will spend to make us better.

Once we are drugged out,the onslaught will begin.
They will cut the power we use to live our lives.
They will invade our homes and hold us hostage.

Those midnight bandits will own us and become the new rulers of Earth.

They will send us back to before the stone age,and we will worship them as gods.

We will sacrifice kittens in they're honor and also for they're forgiveness.

They will bestow upon us a knowledge that was lost,but not all of it,just enough for us to sustain ourselves.

The raccoon apocalypse is coming,prepare yourselves.

But, but....they're just so cute!

wow, just wow.
whatever you are smoking i suggest you stop

If they taste like chicken, it could be their death knell.

If they tasted like bacon....

Originally posted by cayote
wow, just wow.
whatever you are smoking i suggest you stop

That is my problem,I am not.

They continue to evade my traps and mock me. I don't kill them,just relocate them.

I feel your paranoia of these critters. They are very clever and are at the bottom of most of the mischief in my area as well.

For weeks I thought it was the crows or bluejays, even the squirrels, that were tearing up my starts and destroying my garden. Just the other night I heard a scraping in the kitchen. I walked in and found a raccoon on my back porch tearing open a bag of raisins. Little destroyer had scattered them everywhere, over and under everything. I chased him off with a broom, then swept up what I could.

Well 10 minutes later I hear another noise and he's back at it, I have the broom ready again. It's this time i look him square in the eyes and realize he's fearless and will continue to come back to matter what.

I gave him my blessing and just decided to shut the back door for a change.

But yes he will likely be back with an army next time

reply to post by kdog1982

First thing we got to do is get the critters to remove their masks. How are we even going to figure out who we are dealing with if we can't get their masks off? You are right these guys are truly intelligent, there is not a single nother species, besides humans, that had ever thought to use a mask to disguise their evil little identities.

Originally posted by cayote
wow, just wow.
whatever you are smoking i suggest you stop

On the contrary, you should smoke some more, I'm enjoying this story!

Kidding aside, racoons scare the crap out of me, they sure like to bite.

reply to post by kdog1982
Funny, but in a nearby town raccoons have started invading people's homes. Animal control has captured a dozen in people's homes, and I'm sure there are plenty more that have gone unreported. They're not too bad in my town, but I usually just let my dog get them. Last summer he got 4 in my yard, this year just 1 so far- he's doing his part to avert a raccoon apocalypse!
Link to story

reply to post by kdog1982

I think its time for you to rake in some dough from those lil bastards...here is what my red neck relatives do with them... Oh the things you can make with Arkansas Toothpicks

reply to post by shells4u


Back in highschool,in the late 70's early "80,I use to trap them for money.Got $ 20 a coon,but became soft in the heart and stopped.

Now,I just want to prevent a mess in my yard,hence the live traps I have and releasing them.

Spirits can share an animals body but are still bound by the nature of that animal. When they are around they can communicate with our spirit. We do not hear this communication but our spirit can sometimes share this info with us by our thoughts. Often these animals are risking their lives for that communication and other times they animal nature rules and you have a raccoon free for all. You would be surprised at all the input animals have on our world. Just look at all the avatars here on ats they are trying to tell us this.Just look at all these cats smuggling cell phones into prison. It's a good thing they are on our side.www.abovetopsecret.com...

reply to post by kdog1982

I have to clarify...I have never hunted...I refuse to eat deer...rabbit...frog legs...etc. I grew up around all this macho hunting stuff but always thought it was just gross and mean. Although I am sure my opinion would be highly different if I was starving...My post must have seemed really harsh...my apologies...Your thread just triggered my red neck childhood memories...I too would be catching and releasing them as well.

reply to post by shells4u


Well, for what its worth, I hunt and love doing it.

But with raccoons....i catch and release as well. I have a couple of traps that I use for coons, cats, ringtail cats, etc, etc. We catch them, then release them in a creek area a couple of miles away.

Do the same with all creatures short rattlesnakes, scorpions, and wasps.

2 things:

First, this is serious!! The raccoon problem is out of control, Kdog, you can't handle this alone, but thank you for trying.

And second, Are those really coon dicks?

KDog... a laugh-out-loud opening number in this thread!!!

Ok, now let's get down to brass tacks, dear one.
I remember seeing a news story about the growing population of raccoons in certain parts of the US, and the serious implications. (The same day my husband said he saw a raccoon at the entrance to our neighborhood (rare for us) and it freaked me out a little.)

Anyway, they are one of the primary carriers of rabies, and there is something in their feces that can be dreadful if you come into contact with it. Something about, even when the feces is dry, if you try to sweep it up, 'spores' of something can become airborne and you could unknowingly breathe them in.

I can't find the exact information on that last statement, but here is a fact-sheet on diseases they can carry.

Be safe! Link

Originally posted by kdog1982
His army as come to rescue him,but unknown to them,he was released miles away by the Ohio river.

Did you mark it some way, so you will know if it comes back? Like a spot of paint or something?

Originally posted by new_here
KDog... a laugh-out-loud opening number in this thread!!!

Ok, now let's get down to brass tacks, dear one.
I remember seeing a news story about the growing population of raccoons in certain parts of the US, and the serious implications. (The same day my husband said he saw a raccoon at the entrance to our neighborhood (rare for us) and it freaked me out a little.)

It is happening across several cities in the US and Canada. The reason why is they have pretty much banned any lethal hunting of the animal within the city. They have taken a strict relocation policy. So, once one part of the city gets a coon problem, it will conveniently be relocated to “other parts of the city”. Then everyone in the city will have a coon problem.

The reason the relocation policy is accepted is because it’s been many decades since there has been a serious disease outbreak in the urban wildlife population. People don’t really see them as a danger, so they don’t like the idea of eliminating them under any circumstances.

The problem is, letting large numbers known rabies prone animals build up in a city is just setting up a situation for an extremely bad rabies outbreak. Once the animal population gets over a certain level, then disease will break out. It’s not a question of if, but when.

It’s like the dry brush building up in the environment. Once you get enough, all it takes is a spark and it will build into a wildfire that can’t be stopped.

So, I see a situation in the making where we will have a rabies outbreak of enormous proportions right in the middle of a large city. You won’t be able to walk out your back door without taking a chance of running across a rabid animal. And the authorities will be unable to help you because they will be completely overwhelmed.

And the citizens will also be completely clueless as to how to handle the situation without the help from authorities because it has been so long since average city dwellers have had to handle such situations. I see it devolving into a situation where many people will get infected, and possibly die if they realize it too late.

reply to post by shells4u
that was hilarious. Wasn't aware about the facts involving 'arkansas toothpicks'

Promote raccoon dishes on 'Food Network' or 'Bizarre Foods' Let it become a regular item on a menu and you will see the decline in numbers IMO.

reply to post by hp1229
You may be joking, but there is a fish market about 10 miles from here where you can buy raccoon ready to cook, as well as rabbits and nutria. I have eaten raccoon growing up and while it isn't bad it is all dark meat and kind of greasy. It can fill your belly but isn't a meat of choice unless your options are slim.