A Question For Those With Depression

Greetings, ATS!

Earlier this week, while in a very emotional state, I wrote this thread about struggling with depression. I'm not sure what caused me to have such an emotional plunge; however, I had been sick with a stomach bug for about a week. Maybe that contributed on top of the other stressors in my life. Or maybe Saturn was lined up just right with my bedroom wall and that sparked things. Who knows.

Anyway, I received a lot of supportive and helpful replies and private messages, for which I thank you. I also received numerous messages from other folks who struggle daily with depression. To my surprise, I noticed a common theme in these messages, which has led me to write this thread.

I'm aware that T&Cs prohibit me from asking for personal information. However, I believe these questions are innocent in nature and cannot lead to identification. If I'm wrong about that, I apologize and the mods can close this thread.

So...to the questions.

1. How long have you struggled with depression?

2. Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?

3. Do you spend time contemplating the meaning of life, spiritual/religious questions, or the like?

4. Do you feel like you belong in society, or do you feel more like an observer?


You can probably guess the direction my thoughts are heading, but I'll explain my thinking further after a few folks reply.

Gratefully,

smylee

reply to post by smyleegrl


Firstly, I can't say that I struggle with depression anymore.

What I can add is that before I found out that I was gluten intolerant I experienced depression when I ate a large meal that contained a lot of gluten wheat etc., and that was a weird experience. I did realize then that depression is a chemical imbalance that can be controlled and IS a real thing that I probably wouldn't have believed if I hadn't gone through that even as brief as it was.

A wonderful quote I heard just yesterday really summed up what depression is or what it at least felt like for me. It said something like "depression is the inability to construct a future." So I thought for one of my friends who suffers from it, maybe you could just pay more attention to thinking about and constructing your future. I don't know though, I'm sure it's not that easy.

I'm an introvert but also an extrovert. I think more about things than my friends do, yes also about spirituality etc. And yes, I see myself more as an observer but always enjoy taking part of the experience.

I wish there was a cure for depression because I have experienced it before and realize how dark and alone that can be. Luckily I don't experience it anymore or less than the average person does. Food caused it for me which is different than what causes it for others, perhaps. Good luck to you, hope you find the trigger that pulls you out.

1) I did for 10 years or so....best advice ever was to only worry about what is right in front of you, don't worry about things that may or may not happen, deal with it one thing at a time.

2) Both depending on my mood.

3) Yes but do not let others tell you their contemplations are better than yours.

4) Everyone thinks Iam a right oddball but be true to yourself and be who you are, don't let anyone change you.


I think of it this way we are all a unique single point of conscious thought, our own little spaceship travelling through time and space, we all go through bumpy bits and they will make you stronger and hopefully a better person.

Sad to hear you are down at the moment sweetpea, you got my mail so If you ever need a chin wag drop me a mail

reply to post by SadButTrue


May I ask how you discovered your depression was triggered by your allergy? I'm just now hearing that allergies might be a factor in long-term depression and I'm curious how one determines this.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
reply to post by SadButTrue

 

May I ask how you discovered your depression was triggered by your allergy? I'm just now hearing that allergies might be a factor in long-term depression and I'm curious how one determines this.

I found out because many people in my family learned they were celiac. I decided to go on the diet and felt better every day for a week straight waking up like my body was sweating out toxins. It was an amazing feeling too because this allergy cause me not to breathe well so when I slept I would not get a good nights rest and also caused a slight chronic fatigue.

I believe that most issues people suffer are from the foods we eat. After going on the diet and feeling much better I looked back I remember one specific time I ate spaghetti. Within an hour or so I went to bed, and all these negative thoughts were running through my mind keeping me up and I seriously asked myself "why am I thinking this stuff?" Everything was going well for me in my life but for some reason all these negative thoughts or worries about stuff that wasn't that important was consuming my thoughts. There were many other examples but I just remember how I couldn't control the thoughts, it was frustrating! But it was only after I was on the diet and free from the introverted thoughts etc that I could look back clearly and see it.

If you're worried about food allergies you might try strictly going on specifics diets. Go on gluten free, or dairy free, etc. But if you do try it, don't cheat yourself and not fully go on it. Do a little research so you know what you can eat. Luckily now the FDA requires most allergies to be on labels. If you're not having luck with the normal prescriptions etc then try food. Basically, I never had episodes like I did before once going on the diet.

reply to post by smyleegrl


I feel inclined to answer your questions not knowing why

1. How long have you struggled with depression?

Beginning about 20 years ago and gradually worsening that at many points in the near past could easily be diagnosed as clinically depressed.

2. Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?

At a younger age with the effects being not as severe I would have considered myself extravert but as I got older became more enclosed which could have created an introverted mindset which I am comfortable with however I miss interacting as a young carefree being surrounded by many people, so the answer is both but to describe me now using the two I would be an introvert.

3. Do you spend time contemplating the meaning of life, spiritual/religious questions, or the like? 4. Do you feel like you belong in society, or do you feel more like an observer?

Yes to 3 and always have from a young age, in correspondence to Q4 I have chosen to be more of an observer to have better understanding of of your Q3 asks. But my feeling as an observer makes me feel like a part of society for I have helped some see or perceive their surroundings or experiences a little differently which gives them a perspective viewing point where a solution can be found to their issues.

You can probably guess the direction my thoughts are heading, but I'll explain my thinking further after a few folks reply.

Please do as I don't know why I replied, Maybe I am ready to rid myself of my depression and this is like me blindly taking the first steps to interact and open up about my sickness that I grown used to living with, however there are waves and sometimes the low become extremely low.

This is a very interesting thread to me. And made more so after reading your other thread from earlier in the week. I have just sort of made my return to ATS after about 8-9 months away.

It's sort of hard to allow my personal wall down and break through my shell to answer your questions, but I believe now is a good time to do that. After cheating death twice in the last 6 months.

I will begin by going on record before others pop up and say something about this, that there is a huge difference between feeling sad, and feeling depressed. Everyone gets down at times. And it is totally normal. Sadness is a feeling. An emotion. Depression however is more of a state of being. I am a medical professional, and I know when I say that depression is an illness. It is caused by a chemical imbalance. It comes from having a lack of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, among other things. These are neurotransmitters in the body that help allow nerve impulses travel between gaps in nerves.
With that said, a don't worry, be happy attitude, may can help overcome sadness, but rarely if ever is effective for a true depression. In this case, sometimes drugs are the answer. No..not in that way!

Anyway, before I get too far off topic! Back to me answering your questions. I've had off an on issues with depression for years now. Decades actually. But until recently the reasons were unknown to me. Now, within the last 7 or so years I've developed reasons that are sufficient for my logical mind to accept! My wife is a rapid cycling bi-polar. And it is very, VERY hard to live with her at times. This is a reason I know which contributes to my depression. And has in a big way since 2005 or so.
I used to be fairly extroverted. But since she never likes doing anything, I'm now pretty introverted. And it seems to be getting worse. Well, introverted in a personal way. I still seem to make a lot of friends online. Or enemies!
It seems like I've always felt like more of an observer of society than a member of it though. Usually. On the outside looking in........

Anyways, now for the meat of my post. Just after thanksgiving this past year, I began to realize something was wrong with me. I was sick. I just wasn't sure exactly how for a week or two. It turns out, I had a bacterial infection on my aortic heart valve, and was preventing it from closing. At all! And I was in congestive heart failure. I had also developed a rather large aneurysm just above the valve on my aorta. The operation should have been about 5 hours long, but I was on the table for 16 hours. Then, after "rebooting" me, I encountered start up problems. It was 2 days later before I woke up. I still left the hospital within a week thought. This may have normally caused some people to question their meaning of life or some other spirituality's or something, but not me. Not yet at least.
Then, just under a month ago, I got violently ill after eating. After a second episode in under a day again, I knew something was wrong. This time, it was acute pancreatitis caused by by gall bladder acting out and heaving gall stones at my pancreas and liver. After having the offending party removed from the building, I again didn't want to wake up from surgery correctly.
Now I'm worried that if I ever have to have another surgery I may just not wake up at all. Surprisingly though, that doesn't bother me that much. At least not as much as waking up with an intubation tube in me like I did in December. I've intubated countless people in the past personally. And even had contemplated how it might feel knowing I was intubated myself. I didn't like it at all.
I've left out multiple other things. I'm trying hard to stay on topic here. I'm still alive and kicking. But finally, I'm truly starting to feel and maybe act different about my existence. I still believe I'm here because I'm here. But now why am I HERE. And is it worth carrying on? Why should I? I haven't even been able to cut my grass yet this year. I don't want to be stuck inside, and it will change, but is it worth it?
To quote the song Fade To Black Emptiness is filling me. To the point of agony. Growing darkness, taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone.
That's honestly how I feel now. And I don't know if that feeling is ever going to change.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Hey Smiley,

I have suffered from depression since - well 2003 when my hubby and I had a hiccup in the road of our marriage. No not a hiccup, a viscous speed bump that jumbled my whole world around. We worked it out and struggled with our relationship in trying to repair it. I then joined the military a few years later, and much of that was due to needing to escape my situation without walking away from the marriage. My husband is my best friend. I couldn't walk, but I sure did need some time away!

Then it was compounded, my depression - as I was a victim of assault while in the military. At the time, I honestly felt it was my cosmic "punishment", for "abandoning" my husband and two children for my alone time to figure things out. In reality, it was the most comfortable we lived materialistically in our marriage, when I was in the military. That's how I dealt with it in my mind, anyhow. So I buried it, the assault, and continued on with my training and became a nurse. I took care of a LOT of soldiers with ied injuries, gunshot wounds, and veteran heart patients. My specialty was cardiac nursing. The rigorous nature of the military and the nature of the nursing I was assigned to, likely helped to build and complicate by depression.

I'm introverted. But I can operate in society when I need to. I just keep my head down and go about my business. I just don't feel a part of it. I don't think like most, and people are happy to let me know that when they meet me in person. I'm too deep a thinker, too worried about ethics/morality, spiritually obsessed, analytical, concerned with things I can do nothing about... and on and on. Ultimately, when I step out of my personal home life and try to enter society - I feel - oh I don't know, different from most everyone else and so different, that most people feel the need to point out how very different I am from them and the majority.

I've a hard time with masks and facades. It's difficult for me to hide myself and my thoughts. I'm not shy and find it difficult to hide those aspects of myself that makes others uncomfortable. Since I've noticed how uncomfortable I eventually make those who form a friendship with me, I just stopped trying to form friendships. It's painful to watch them walk away - because I'm "too much" for them. My problem lies in the very painful truth that I worry about things most people try to avoid worrying about. Small talk about mundane things are difficult for me, and I tend to turn the conversation into something meaningful and important (spirituality, god, ethics, morals, world events that worry me, and social issues) - and I've been told - that's an exhausting aspect of my personality and I need to learn to keep it to myself!

So now I do. Keep to myself, that is. You can only be told that by friend after friend, so many times before you throw up your hands and say - "Okay, I get it. To my own sacred space I go." My only release to those aspects of myself are my family (who too can become exhausted with my focus) and all of you here on ATS. I choose ATS as my primary place to talk of all these issues and things that interest me, because the community is more moderated and thus members are more moderate in how everyone treats one another. I appreciate that about this site, as other sites can be downright vicious to take part in.

Blessings,
Cirque

reply to post by smyleegrl

Hi again Smylee,

1, I think my depression started with a kind of PTSD about 20 or so years ago. I only really began to struggle with it about 15 years ago after a stressful situation that pushed me over the edge, so to speak. I had a really bad period that lasted about 2 years where I eventually ended up in hospital.

Now I don't struggle so much, more a feeling of complete apathy. I don't feel ANYTHING any more. I simply can't be happy, excited, worried, stressed etc etc, I simply don't care. I don't want to live BUT I will NEVER do anything to harm myself. Now if an asteroid was to hit us.. cool lol

2, This seems to be a bit of an oxymoron for me. I really enjoy being by myself and enjoy my own company BUT I also thrive on being around people and making them laugh. I would hate the idea of going to a party and would do everything to avoid it but if I went I would probably enjoy it.

3, Constantly on all accounts.

4, I feel like an outsider, out of my own time period, if that makes sense? I don't feel I belong in the modern world but in the past where manners, respect and honour really meant something. I seem to care too much for strangers and people consider me weird for this.

Hope the answers help,

reply to post by smyleegrl



Hi Smyleegrl I hope my answers help maybe.

Ok I have had some sort of depression all my life. It really started to get out of control around 2009. I do not use any medications except a beer or two to take the edge off on occasion.

I consider myself a introvert. I'm not out going and when I am out I'm usually the one that sits back and watches others instead of joining in.

I've never really contemplated the meaning of life ect...I just tried to make it day to day without killing myself (long story short).

I've always felt more like an observer never really apart of society in any way. Without boring you with too many details I hope these answers help. If you like you can message me.

I was trying to stick strictly to the questions. I'm still working on expressing myself(Dark is helping me with this) so forgive me if I'm a little vague.

1. How long have you struggled with depression?

Around 12/13 years is when it started really affecting me, but honestly i've had the sadness/anxiety all of my life!

2. Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

3. Do you spend time contemplating the meaning of life, spiritual/religious questions, or the like?

Yes on a daily basis

4. Do you feel like you belong in society, or do you feel more like an observer?

100% observer

Thanks to everyone who replied, including those who sent me their answers via private messages.

Of course this is not a proper study or even statistically relevant. But I notice a common theme among the answers: we tend to be introverts, contemplating life's meaning and the deeper side of spiritual topics. We observe those around us instead of participating, perhaps out of a sense of shyness or just personal preference.

What does this mean, and does it have any connection to depression?

I know what the medical establishment has to say about depression: its a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmittors such as serotonin and dopamine, the substances used to relay messages between the synapses in the brain.

But could depression also be a result of our constant inner search for life's meaning? Perhaps...just perhaps....those of us who really SEE the world as it truly is, who examine and look for meaning in our lives...perhaps what we see (or don't see) results in depression.

I guess the question becomes....does deep personal introspection lead to depression? Or vice versa?

I don't know. I'm just writing down thoughts and not doing a good job with conveying my impressions. I just think there's a link here, somewhere.

I wonder....did any of you reply to the Waiting Game thread? I know you did, Cirque.

Originally posted by smyleegrl

1. How long have you struggled with depression?

2. Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?

3. Do you spend time contemplating the meaning of life, spiritual/religious questions, or the like?

4. Do you feel like you belong in society, or do you feel more like an observer?

smylee

So sorry I just saw this smyleegrl

1. How long have you struggled with depression?
Pretty much most of my life.

2. Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?
Most definitely an introvert.

3. Do you spend time contemplating the meaning of life, spiritual/religious questions, or the like?
Every single day.

4. Do you feel like you belong in society, or do you feel more like an observer?
Observer 100%


Hope this helps!