When neighbors aren't "nice" - need some advice

Okay, I'm not one to start threads here. And now that I'm typing, I feel sort of stupid doing so, but I've seen threads ranting about all sorts of personal issues or asking for advice on personal-related stuff, so here goes:

I guess I'm a bad neighbor.

I work a heck of a lot of hours and commute a good distance to/from work to my corporate job (I manage a team)...like 10, 12, 14 hours a day. I work at home on my laptop some eves or weekends (try not to as much as before). I have chronic fatigue, asthma acts up, I have some other health issues. My sweetheart died years and years ago, and I currently am not dating anyone let alone live with anyone.

I am quiet. I love to read, sit on my deck, write. Never have parties, barbecues, noise. No Harleys pulling in. No throbbing music. No light pollution from floodlights in the yard. No dog, no outdoor animals. No beater cars up on blocks. I didn't paint my house a loud color. I don't have signs in the yard, or have a storage bin out front. I don't argue with neighbors, don't bother anyone. Take my garbage out the morning the trucks are coming (so the raccoons don't tear things apart overnight). Kinda keep to myself, am polite. I'm not even home that much. Don't gossip about my neighbors, etc.

But my neighbors on either side of me (and probably across from me) on my suburban sidestreet hate me. Hated me since I moved in about 8 years back with my indoor cat, and son. They hate me because they hate me.

They are retired and strongly love perfect yards. I do not have a perfect yard. In fact, I have the ugliest yard on the street. I don't spray my dandelions and let all my leaves fall down before I try to rake them up and hall them away. I do pay a company to cut the lawn each week and do a bit of weedcutting, as I am too fatigued these days to do it myself after work. I do try to keep the small shrubs trimmed a bit and tidy. I pick up any trash that comes into the yard.

For years, I've been verbally abused and verbally attacked by my neighbors. I'm so surprised when it happens, because I never expect it -- and I should by now. I try to stand my ground, but they are true, loud-mouthed bullies and think they own the street and have the right to yell at anyone at anytime. The past 18 months, I've decided to not talk with them, and if they say hi, I say hi or nod and do a half smile, and continue on. I think that is pretty nice of me, after being verbally attacked about my yard.

Today, the lady of the home next door yelled at me to spray my weeds. I was sitting in my backyard, quietly working on my laptop (on a Sunday), minding my own business, when she starts screaming at me. I asked her to please stop talking to me. She ignored me. Wished she could "relax" outside like I was doing, but no, she had to work on her weeds since I was letting my yard go to hell.

Her husband is the worst. He's very violently angry. He's actually scary and seemingly unstable. He once threatened my son when I was out on my deck and my son was cutting the grass, because my son told him to mind his own business after the guy yelled at my son about the top of his boxers showing. He has screamed at me for accidentally blowing a few leaves in his yard as I was cutting my lawn at our property line, which is a steep incline and I was trying not to flip the lawnmower with me on it.

The other neighbor is almost as bad. She has criticized everything I do or don't do in my yard. Even mocked my haircolor -- seemingly in a normal conversation. Weird.

Are people allowed to just yell at you in your own yard and harass you? Is there some ordinance that says I have to spray my dandelions or rake my leaves on a prescribed timetable? I know lovely yards are important to them, and they have every right to be not happy with me as their neighbor, but I don't believe they should be able to bully me.

When I moved in, I bent over backwards trying to keep the peace with them, but they were mean-spirited anyways. I gave up. I don't say anything to them first. I never step foot on their property or cause them any harm. I tried not to look at them, but they stand there (or sit there on their lawn chairs out front) and STARE at me as I pull in/out of my driveway, walk in my yard, or take a walk down the sidewalk. Stare at my parents, my friends who pick me up or drop me off, stare at the guys who cut my lawn. STARE with hatred and no attempt to hide the fact that they are staring. It's unnerving. Been like that since day one.

And despite their treatment and disdain for me, if any of them were injured outside or had a heart attack or something, I'd be right there to help. But I know they wouldn't do the same for me.

How can we have world peace when there's people who are so angry about dandelions? Sometimes I just want to go "home" where there is some sanity and love. Any advice as to how to manage this situation, protect myself and have a little peace in my own yard?

Sorry to say, unless your moving try to be nice. you got to live there

Originally posted by Galadriel
- need some advice,

Originally posted by Galadriel
They are retired and strongly love perfect yards. I do not have a perfect yard. In fact, I have the ugliest yard on the street.

Maybe thats the simple answer.
Not saying you need to do a lot more, but maybe just enough that they have a different target to take their anger out on.
Personally, I'd hate to admit my yard was "the ugliest" on the street. And I'd hate it to be true.

Maybe rip out some planted areas and lay down some kind of low maintenance stuff instead. Gravel, bricks, whatever.

reply to post by alfa1


I used to pay, when I could afford it, to have lawn service in, paid for diligent leaf blowing, I spent $500 on mulching my beds. Now, it's basically the dandelions on the yard. My grass isn't dandelion-free. That's why I called it the ugliest. But the beds and shrubs look nice. Actually, nicer than theirs.

I am broke right now, and I have fatigue issues, etc., so even if I was so inclined to try and please them, I couldn't. They stare at us constantly, constantly argue and scream at each other which the whole neighborhood can hear, they constantly cut down trees and run that loud saw -- but that's okay. Not sure why I have to bend over backwards for people who are very mean to me and others on the street. To me, it's bullying for grownups.

reply to post by Galadriel


I have a bit of experience with these scenes. All I can tell you is there is a unique pleasure to be the person who doesn't care, who flips off the rest. If they get it together to form some sort of legal association, where they can force you to do something, than do it. Otherwise ignore them. Its your home, your property. The inclination people have to dictate how YOU life YOUR LIFE is fundamentally TOTALITARIAN.

My advice? Travel. Find a way to see sub-Saharan Africa, to see the slums of San Paulo, to see the world. Then come back to your neighbours petty nonsense that perspective, and get a real laugh. People who concern themselves with that kind of nonsense would shatter when confronted with the realities of the world outside their little sphere. Get that perspective, get that power, and fear them not.

PEace!

I've had a really bad neighbor so I know how awful it can be. There aren't any ordinances that require neighbors to be civil unfortunately.

You don't appear to be doing anything wrong especially given the circumstances. If I were you, I would document the incidents on separate pieces of paper with dates. I even went as far as mailing the notes to myself so that if anything ever blew up to the point where I needed to file complaints, the postmarks can help establish times and frequencies of wrong doing.

You do have the right to feel safe and secure in your home and in your yard. I don't know if it is possible but a privacy fence would at least stop prying eyes in the backyard. If that is too big a project maybe setting up a few decorative trellises in strategic spots might help? Noise cancelling headphones would block their ugly words and also give you a polite way to ignore them?

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

reply to post by Galadriel


Whatever your yard looks like, your neighbours do not have the right to harass you or make you feel uncomfortable. ( Unless perhaps there is a health / hygiene risk, which does not sound the case here.)

I'm afraid in this situation, I would move, if you possibly can, for the sake of your own health.

Good neighbours are invaluable....hope you find some resolution to this situation.

reply to post by Galadriel


As the title goes,mine are bullified...parents and kid.HJere's what I did,stopped paying attention and the kids spread news at school about dealers next door....These people are evil....

reply to post by tridentblue


Thanks for your perspective! My own life has been rough, at one point many moons ago I lived in an inner city neighborhood with repeated attempted break-ins at my home when my oldest was a wee one, and I also ended up on welfare at one point. Not rough like most in the world, but rougher than this suburban street. But, I worked myself up and have a vp job now.

I have lost my brother and my sweetheart, and some dear friends. I feel that life is so precious, and things aren't important, relationships are. It actually really bothers me that I can't have a nice, cordial neighborly relationship with these folks, but they have been rude since before I actually moved in--and didn't even know me or my disinterest in spraying weeds

It's an old development from the 80s, there's no association in place. These are the neighbors that call the cops on the younger families about their dogs, their pool parties, random firecrackers on July 4th, etc. They constantly have yelling matches with other neighbors about those kind of things, so they are not necessarily well liked. But because I live next to them (between them actually), I get the worst of it, and I actually do the least amount of noise or what have you. I must have "kick me" on my forehead.

reply to post by NiteNGale2


Would love a fence! Big yard, no $$ right now. I also wish I had documented all the incidents where the one neighbor actually became scary and forceful with us. Looking back, I wished I had called the police the day he threatened my son. I didn't, because I just wanted to keep the peace.

I decided today that I will keep my ipod handy, to record any verbal attacks. And have the non-emergency police number handy. I refuse to argue with unstable people.

Thanks!

Go for walks at night when they are being couch potatoes in front of TV. Take a small water pistol with you. So as not to be noticed, spray a few squirts onto their lawn. What you put into the water pistol does not have to be pure water.

I used to use a big water pistol to kill grass on the sidewalk. Bit of fun, easy job, 50/50 poison / water, just enough to get it through the pistol. If it gets sprayed on a lawn, it leaves lines that can take a while to appear.

Then when the lines are evident you can shake your head and say, crop circles, what next!

P

Originally posted by Galadriel
reply to post by NiteNGale2

 

Would love a fence! Big yard, no $$ right now. I also wish I had documented all the incidents where the one neighbor actually became scary and forceful with us. Looking back, I wished I had called the police the day he threatened my son. I didn't, because I just wanted to keep the peace.

I decided today that I will keep my ipod handy, to record any verbal attacks. And have the non-emergency police number handy. I refuse to argue with unstable people.

Thanks!

Get a big 12G shotgun. Best fence there is. Sit outside reading with the weapon next to you. Next time he yells just pick it up and cycle a round. Put it back next to your chair. For this to work, It does not even have to be loaded.

If he gets way over the top, run inside, put a few rounds in it and blow him away if he enters.

Bullies go real quiet like in front of a 12G. It is about earning respect.

You have tried the nice way and it didn't work. Try it the other way. Clean it on the front porch occasionally!

They will stop!

P

maybe F&*K them!
its your house.

if they yell at you in the street, thats legal, if they throw # at you or in any way threaten you , thats not.

put cameras on your house monitoring the front.

record EVERYTHING

No one has the right to yell at you for no good reason.
Keep a camera on you. Record the incident.
Call the cops and show them the tape.
If you can get multiple incidents on tape the Cops may cite them with disorderly conduct.

Or just ignore them and go inside. Hard to yell at someone who isn't there.

reply to post by Galadriel


Well, I admire your accomplishments in business - but even more, I admire your personal development: the knowledge you seem to have gained that people really are more important than nonsense like yards. To me that's a mature and informed perspective. I know it sounds cruel, I know it sounds cold, but my honest opinion is that the best thing you could do for your neighbours is to to help them learn a similar awareness, to help them learn the sanctity of personal property and the really important things, by ignoring their BS entirely. Let them stew in their own juices.

I mean, does their nonsense really bring you down because you've failed to live up to their standards, or are you actually a much BIGGER more informed and awake person than they are? To me it sounds like the latter is the case. So I say stand tall, be your self, live by the priorities that are important to you and let all the people who are haters hate. As somebody who's a bit of a psychic, I can tell you that your life is about WAY bigger and more important things than these fools. I don't totally understand what they are, but you are important in the big scheme of things, and I think deep inside you have a sense of that too.

PEace.

reply to post by Galadriel


Unfortunately, this IS the New World Order. The law is more and more on the side of conformist bullies, and less and less on the side of the individualist, liberty-loving non-conformists.

We have neatnik neighbors on one side of us. We try to keep the weeds knocked down with a weedeater, but it will never be good enough to appease them in any way. We've had visitors tell us that these neighbors call them over when they get out of their car and start running us down for every infraction they can think of, as if they're keeping a detailed list--which I presume they are. Fortunately we care not; we're only interested in keeping the weeds down enough to discourage flies and pests.

No point in going into all our other infractions--like feeding feral cats in our back yard, etc., etc. These people hate everything we do, but at least they have the good sense not to push it....

I'd take you and your dandylions over all my new loud and obnoxious neighbors and screaming kids any day!!! Perhaps if you let them know about your fatigue and long working hours it might help. Either that or get your son to spray the weeds. It would shut them up anyway. And...tell them it's rude to stare!

reply to post by Galadriel


I am afraid you made one huge mistake, you allowed one of your
neighbors to threaten you without informing the police, now while
i do understand the desire for privacy and not making this out to
be a bigger thing than it is, that view also sets up your passivity to
a bully, that's what these people are, they are bullies, if any, and
i mean ANY of them threaten you, inform the police, this is lawns
and lawn care not life and death, not child abuse, as you said
not cars being up on blocks and blights to the neighborhood,
these people are pushing their boundaries too far and the only
choice you have is to push back, no don't go do what they are
doing but you do have some choices, if they yell at you, threaten
to report them for disturbing the peace, if they come on your
property, that's trespassing and if so informed and they do not
leave then you may call the police and file a complaint, remember
there is such a crime as harassment, you can report this to the
police, the main downside you have facing you is that you have
not been reporting this all along so it will take a little time for
the police to consider it an actual problem as your reports of
their actions come in over time, they have no right to bully you
into anything at all, if your not breaking a code or law then they
can just shut the heck up and get on with their lives......

reply to post by Galadriel


Kill them with kindness.

I have no advice to give you concerning your neighbours behaviour that has not already been given or that will keep you out of jail, but as to your dandelion 'problem'---Eat the Weeds has quite a few delicious sounding recipes listed that just may give you some satisfaction/justification for having such a bumper crop.