I honestly don't know what to do... Not my typical thread...

reply to post by jhn7537


If she is so quickly sick and fed up with the questions then she is obviously defensive.

Although its easy to see things where there isn't, you narration of events is pretty telling. Look man, you are obviously able to deduce what's happening and you yourself have already predicted the outcome.

Lets face it, if she's cheating maybe its in her character or maybe she's getting something from somewhere else that she doesn't get from you. Is that fair? I suppose its all in how you look at it I suppose. If those actions of her cheating made her a happier person when she was around you, and those same actions didn't offend you well....

One thing I've learned is once someone has cheated its really really hard to forget even if you think you've forgiven. The relationship will never be the same no matter if they or you never cheat again. Trust isn't easily rebuilt and takes years if at all. Are you ready to confront that fear knowing yourself therefore knowing what you need to do? Or let it go on, and maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Who am I to judge? If she is then she gets her cake and it tastes good. You will have to continue to let it siphon your energy.

Sorry friend.

You already know the answer. The way you wrote this story there is only one conclusion.

Listen.

Listen close OK. This no BS.

Your story is honest and forthright. I think you deserve some answers.

What you have described is a bit to coincidental for even me to just blow off.

Your good with Google, so this is going to help.

Do not question her about this, because if your wrong, you could inflict damage into the relationship.

How far away is her trip?is it within driving distance?

if not, do you know anyone in the area?

For about $200.00 you could hire a PI, have the PI bring over a pizza to the hotel where she is staying at.

Try and get a hold of her itinerary, figure out if you can see where she goes after the business thing.

I hate not trusting someone, but if they are cheating on you, asking is not going to help.

If you are wrong, you need to fess up immediately with her, tell her what you suspected and what you have done.

Tell her you love her and you did not know what else to do, because really you dont.

WTF are you going to do?ask her and get a denial if its true?

Take the ball into your own hands, dont let anyone drive your life around, get to the bottom of this right away.

Dont let it eat you up.

To me, and I am sorry to say, there is just to much coincidence.

Good luck, and message me if you need further guidance with a PI, or tactics.

Take it from someone who has dated 1000s of woman, usually if you suspect it, its true.

DON'T ASK LIKE A PUPPY. what do you think you'll gain by asking?

PS: how is your sex life?

The 7 year itch.

Start acting suspiciously yourself, go away for a "business trip" (just to have a nice break by yourself), etc and see how she likes it.

If there's any chance for your relationship it might make her think seriously about what she's going to lose, the grass is always greener as they say.

Universal rule of love:
The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference.

YOU obviously love her.
SHE is obviously indifferent to your feelings if she flirts in front of you...knowing that it bothers you.

I'm sorry, but you are currently in an unbalanced relationship...regardless of whether or not your suspicions about an affair are true.

Seven years is a long time, to be sure, but a lasting relationship must be based on mutual respect...not mutually assured destruction.

My advice to you:
Ask her outright...If she admits she is 'shopping around'...take the high road and tell her that even if she doesn't love you enough to respect you, your feelings, or all you've shared and built together, then you will stand aside and hope she finds whatever it is she thinks she needs.

“If you love something set it free; if it returns its yours forever, if not it was never meant to be.”
- Proverb

Man are you in a pickle. My 1st wife left me for a guy she worked with, lied about the whole thing, the entire time. She was granted a divorce on our 7th wedding anniversary. Married the other guy 3 days later. He in turn dumped her a year later and the cycle continued for years. She would allways have one waiting for when the current relationship spoiled. I called it the BBD, " The bigger, better, deal". Grass is allways greener on the other side of the hill....Problem being..it aint your grass.

To sum it up for you. Catch her, then kick her to the curb. Don't confront...catch in the act. It will be hard, but damn dude you will know and in the end be a better man for it. Know this, if she does it once, she will continue on this path. The new dude will soon be the old dude... and the cycle continues. Good luck. Book you a flight next time she goes on a trip. Catch then confront.

Okay OP, I'm going to give you 100% of what you need to hear...but nothing that you want to hear...

She is cheating and you already "know" this, its why you posted this in the first place. You already found an apt, cause you know she is lying to you, and you don't like it. You obviously, got pissed when she says she likes to flirt. Anyone who is in a relationship for 7 years and still "needs" to flirt for any reason is not "healthy in the relationship". I think you feel its your fault she grew apart from you but I have to be honest here its both of your faults. You guys, as a couple, neglected the relationship...maybe it was over for awhile and you guys just didn't see it that way. I bet if you go back in your mind and replay some of your more "strange periods" you'll notice that she was probably absent for longer than you initially thought.

I would not give her another chance to come clean, morally you've provided her with the out and she declined cause she thinks you aren't smart enough or man enough to call her out directly. And she kept up with the high strangeness.

Did she have anything to say about the last trip? The Assignment? You need to hire a PI to catch her...then leave the evidence in her empty of all your stuff apt...cause you should leave while she is away. Trying to leave while she is there leaves too many doors open for BS.

Sometimes we get comfortable to the point of restlessness...

What I can say for sure based on your posts is that you don't trust her (bad sign)...
She doesn't respect your relationship (flirting is not okay) and by extension you...
She will lie, cheat, and steal...and you cannot tolerate this...

hmm...Intolerance by TOOL(mods i don't know how to do all that cool stuff with quotes please helps)

I don't wanna' be hostile.
I don't wanna' be dismal.
And I don't wanna' rot in an apathetic existence.
See I wanna' believe you,
And I wanted to trust you,
And I wanna' have faith to put away the dagger.

But you lie, cheat, and steal.(x3)
And yet I tolerate you?

Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
While I smile and laugh and dance and sing your praise and glory.
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma as I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your glory,

while you lie, cheat, and steal.(x3)
How can I tolerate you?

Our guilt, our blame, I've been far too sympathetic.
Our blood, our fault, I've been far too sympathetic.

I am not innocent. (x2)
You are not innocent.
No one is innocent.

You lie, cheat, and steal.(x15)
How can I tolerate you?

I will not tolerate you.
I will go down beside you
I must go down beside you
No one is innocent.

Women hate two things more than anything else...
1. getting caught lying,cheating, or stealing
2. being made to feel they lied cheated or stole for no reason...she should have been woman enough to be straight with you...put the shoe on the other foot, how would she react to this in the reverse?


I wish you the best and I feel good things for you, I really believe that everything happens for a reason...now go a seek your reason, sir!

Not so fast.

You know sweet fa. Yet.

You need to catch in act, then kick to curb,

You have not been around your own thread lately, so I fear the worst has already happened after you posted this.

Come tell us whats happening please. Anyone who hs posted here has because they do not like the situation,me included.

Originally posted by JustJoe
Okay OP, I'm going to give you 100% of what you need to hear...but nothing that you want to hear...

She is cheating and you already "know" this, its why you posted this in the first place. You already found an apt, cause you know she is lying to you, and you don't like it. You obviously, got pissed when she says she likes to flirt. Anyone who is in a relationship for 7 years and still "needs" to flirt for any reason is not "healthy in the relationship". I think you feel its your fault she grew apart from you but I have to be honest here its both of your faults. You guys, as a couple, neglected the relationship...maybe it was over for awhile and you guys just didn't see it that way. I bet if you go back in your mind and replay some of your more "strange periods" you'll notice that she was probably absent for longer than you initially thought.

I would not give her another chance to come clean, morally you've provided her with the out and she declined cause she thinks you aren't smart enough or man enough to call her out directly. And she kept up with the high strangeness.

Did she have anything to say about the last trip? The Assignment? You need to hire a PI to catch her...then leave the evidence in her empty of all your stuff apt...cause you should leave while she is away. Trying to leave while she is there leaves too many doors open for BS.

Sometimes we get comfortable to the point of restlessness...

What I can say for sure based on your posts is that you don't trust her (bad sign)...
She doesn't respect your relationship (flirting is not okay) and by extension you...
She will lie, cheat, and steal...and you cannot tolerate this...

hmm...Intolerance by TOOL(mods i don't know how to do all that cool stuff with quotes please helps)

I don't wanna' be hostile.
I don't wanna' be dismal.
And I don't wanna' rot in an apathetic existence.
See I wanna' believe you,
And I wanted to trust you,
And I wanna' have faith to put away the dagger.

But you lie, cheat, and steal.(x3)
And yet I tolerate you?

Veil of virtue hung to hide your method
While I smile and laugh and dance and sing your praise and glory.
Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma as I smile and laugh and dance
and sing your glory,

while you lie, cheat, and steal.(x3)
How can I tolerate you?

Our guilt, our blame, I've been far too sympathetic.
Our blood, our fault, I've been far too sympathetic.

I am not innocent. (x2)
You are not innocent.
No one is innocent.

You lie, cheat, and steal.(x15)
How can I tolerate you?

I will not tolerate you.
I will go down beside you
I must go down beside you
No one is innocent.

Women hate two things more than anything else...
1. getting caught lying,cheating, or stealing
2. being made to feel they lied cheated or stole for no reason...she should have been woman enough to be straight with you...put the shoe on the other foot, how would she react to this in the reverse?


I wish you the best and I feel good things for you, I really believe that everything happens for a reason...now go a seek your reason, sir!

edit on 27-3-2013 by JustJoe because: Maybe I was a little too harsh...I reconsidered my advice

reply to post by openyourmind1262


So I live in Chicago and she's going to be in Texas. So from a logistical standpoint it would be real tough to catch her. I could hire a PI but I wouldn't even know where to start with that, nor do I know if I could ever trust the person doing the investigating. I'm open to it, just need more information.... And last I'm considering asking her which hotel she's staying at and calling the hotel to ask to be transferred to her room, if she's not checked in there, we have another lie...

reply to post by jhn7537


I've travelled for business and ALWAYS told, not only my wife, but a brother or someone what
hotel I'd be staying at, as well as given them the phone # and room # once I've checked in.

They needed to be able to reach me in the event of an emergency.

Ask her for the info using this reason.

As others have said, I think you already "know".... Sorry man, it happens.
I know that's not what you want to hear, but keep your head up and stay strong.

Although it does not look good, it is by no means definitive.

Just keep your cool and don't be the reason for the problem, not yet anyhow.

Purchase 2 hours of PI time from someone at her location. B4 she gets there obviously.

You will NEED to be honest with the PI, tell them what has happened.

You need to do this over the phone, not in email.

80-100 per hour, so 160-200 plus any tax, seems reasonable to me to know the truth.

BUT BE PREPARED to feel like a real bag O poo poo if she is all innocent.

Your going to almost feel as bad as if she was actually cheating.

Is she a horney little thing?

You know, I would almost be tempted to pull this operation off by myself.

I would book a flight to the same local the same day, and I would check into this myself.

have a rental car waiting at the airport, have allocations already mapped and ready to be scoped out.

Dont listen to these guys telling you its 100% she is cheating, Ive seen this many times where the brain goes to fast for the facts.

Take it cool, be cool about it, being cool with pay dividends, one way or the other.

reply to post by lnfideI

your right but the cc statement and then subsequent conversation about it kinda sealed the deal. she basically ratted herself out...I put a 20 she has been cheating since before holloween...

reply to post by jhn7537

My friend, please listen. This is developing in the wrong direction; certainly well-meaning advice from all quarters here, but take stock for a moment.
DO NOT hire a P.I.
DO NOT sit here on ATS plotting strategy to catch her and build a case.

Reality calling here...
Ask her...straight out.
Talk to her...NOT a bunch of fantasy/conspiracy-prone strangers here on ATS (no offense intended)...and tell her your concerns and your suspicions.

Chances are your suspicions are true.

What you must maintain before and after this ordeal...is your dignity; IT is precious...and you must leave this situation behind with your dignity intact!

She will continue to see this guy...and then it will end (this is an absolute). He is only interested in her BECAUSE she is currently unavailable....trust me on this).

Then she will come back to you...IF your dignity, self-confidence and self-esteem remain intact (self-confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac).

In the meantime...LIVE your life, be with friends, date, be selfish for awhile and indulge your own interests, goals and desires.

DO NOT sequester yourself in your basement, hunched over your tear-soaked keyboard, commiserating and grumbling with members on a conspiracy website.

KEEP your dignity and manifest your self-esteem...do not squander your passion on remorse.
Move on; move forward...and the day will absolutely come when she will return to you...THEN you may decide, once and for all, if she actually even DESERVES you.

reply to post by IAMTAT


You're right... I'm like 90% sure right now and there are too many coincidences, so why waste the money??? I just need to man up, talk to her and be done with it. Conversation I've dreaded, but a conversation that needs to happen...

reply to post by jhn7537

Take the high road...and hold the high ground, my friend.

Yeah sure

and wtf is a cheater going to tell you? she is cheating?

How many times was I the guy your girly friend was cheating with, many many times.

When the Police arrest a thief, and ask them, are you stealing? what do they say? ye sir?

They say NO, even on camera, on film, with witness, they STILL say no.

Asking will blow your cover 100%, there is NO WAY to get that back

You have home court advantage, keep it, dont just squander it away for nothing.

There is a reason your suspicious. Now man up and get to the bottom of all this BS.

I will try and find you someone dependable if you want, but later, I have to get going here now, not enough hours in my day.

Stay cool.

Originally posted by IAMTAT
reply to post by jhn7537

 

My friend, please listen. This is developing in the wrong direction; certainly well-meaning advice from all quarters here, but take stock for a moment.
DO NOT hire a P.I.
DO NOT sit here on ATS plotting strategy to catch her and build a case.

Reality calling here...
Ask her...straight out.
Talk to her...NOT a bunch of fantasy/conspiracy-prone strangers here on ATS (no offense intended)...and tell her your concerns and your suspicions.

Chances are your suspicions are true.

What you must maintain before and after this ordeal...is your dignity; IT is precious...and you must leave this situation behind with your dignity intact!

She will continue to see this guy...and then it will end (this is an absolute). He is only interested in her BECAUSE she is currently unavailable....trust me on this).

Then she will come back to you...IF your dignity, self-confidence and self-esteem remain intact (self-confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac).

In the meantime...LIVE your life, be with friends, date, be selfish for awhile and indulge your own interests, goals and desires.

DO NOT sequester yourself in your basement, hunched over your tear-soaked keyboard, commiserating and grumbling with members on a conspiracy website.

KEEP your dignity and manifest your self-esteem...do not squander your passion on remorse.
Move on; move forward...and the day will absolutely come when she will return to you...THEN you may decide, once and for all, if she actually even DESERVES you.

edit on 27-3-2013 by IAMTAT because: (no reason given)

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by IAMTAT

 

You're right... I'm like 90% sure right now and there are too many coincidences, so why waste the money??? I just need to man up, talk to her and be done with it. Conversation I've dreaded, but a conversation that needs to happen...

She is going to deny it if she IS and if she is NOT.

Once you cross that bridge its burnt.

Hers an idea.

Why dont you fake a time off comming up,and ask if it would be OK if you joined her on her trip, because youlove texas so much,or whatever.

see how she acts when she knows you are serious about comming with

Originally posted by jhn7537
reply to post by IAMTAT

 

You're right... I'm like 90% sure right now and there are too many coincidences, so why waste the money??? I just need to man up, talk to her and be done with it. Conversation I've dreaded, but a conversation that needs to happen...

Dont even talk to her about it.. Just up and leave when your apt is ready, that way shell think its you that found a new flame and it was her thats dumped

Tell her you would like to join here

tell her you have a surprise, and that you are going to join here on the trip, if it is OK, and get ready to buy a ticket.

She is going to say yes what a nice idea, or tell you some lame excuse why you should not go.

Just an idea.

I would be going down myself if I thought this was happening

Id be giving everyone a big bad frighting surprise if it was true.

reply to post by jhn7537


Here's a straight answer from a woman's perspective: your relationship is circling the drain. It must smart terribly but the sooner you take stock of yourself and what you deserve out of life, the sooner you will clearly see she is not for you. You should never have to even consider a PI, snoop around or ask questions. There is a massive imbalance in your relationship and that, in itself, is a killer.

You asked for advice so here's mine: confront her with everything you mention here. Do so knowing you are breaking up with her. Tell her she was acting suspicious and you deserve better, so you looked into it. The more you saw the more you decided you were not on equal footing. She will get defensive, mad, "hurt"...but from everything you've described, that will be an act. She probably does still care so some of those feelings will be rooted in truth, but people who love and respect one another do not behave as she does. The texting and flirting alone is a big flag.

You are very young and have been together a long time, during a point in your life when you both grow tremendously. I am always very surprised when I hear of relationships that do outlive this period.

Lastly, this is going to be hard for you but remember that how you behave now can become either damaging to yourself in the future (if you grovel for instance) or a very positive period of growth if you stand up for yourself. If you take charge and decide you deserve better, then you WILL find better.

Good luck, friend.