The Passing of Life and Explaining to Children

My children are 11 and 14 years old.

Their grandfather,their papaw,my father-in-law and best friend ,is currently fading off into the sunset.

He is currently on the doorstep of death,with the death rattle for a day at least,but hanging strong,refusing to give up.My wife is a mess and I had to chose to be with our kids versus be with her during this time.
There is plenty of support for her there,but she wants me there.
I have been there,but the end is near and the future,his grandkids,my kids need a parent, need me and I feel he would want it that way.

I have told both of them in the beginning that he was not doing good and was really sick.

This just started 2 days ago,with him being admitted to the hospital.Well,no,it's been ongoing for 6 years.

So I finally told my 14 year old daughter the truth tonight and she handled it well because she was asking many questions and if I wanted her to be honest with me on what goes on in her life I should be honest with her.

My 11 year old son,well,my wife and I decided not to reveal the total truth till she could be there to talk to him about it which will probably come after my father-in-laws passing.
Papaw gave my son his first gun and all the things a grandpa should do to bond with his grandson.
It's hard.

All I am doing is sharing this experience and to see if anyone else has gone through a similar one.

Peace,
K

reply to post by kdog1982


My sincerest condolences my friend... Its a hard time for many at that point in life...

I work with it every day...

What are your views on death if you don't mind me asking?

Much love either way... have no fear

Be honest. Kids know ore than you think. I guarantee you, our children know something is happening.

My grandfather had mesothelioma. We knew he was near death, but my parents tried to shield me (I was 16).

He died in the early hours of the morning. My parents got a phone call and left my brothernd me asleep. When I woke up for school,met hey told me the news.

I was furious. I should have had the choice to be there to say goodbye.

If your children ask...don't sugar coat it. Death is inevitable, false hope is cruel.

Your family is in my thoughts. Hugs to you all.

smylee

Just my opinion, but your 11-year-old probably "knows" more than you think... I would choose to be totally honest with both of them. If you wait till he dies, I would be concerned that your boy would resent not being kept in the loop and having the chance to see his grandpa or at least go through the process with everyone else.

Young people (I was younger than that when my grandparents died) are stronger and more resilient than many think...

Good luck in whatever you decide and I'm sorry for your loss...

He is still alive,yet we are planning his funeral and cremation.
I am currently deciding on having to go shopping for clothes for the kids and I for that.

How the freaking hell do you go shopping for clothes for attending someone's funeral before they are dead????????????????

I'm sorry,this was a mistake in reaching out for an answer that I already know.We have friends and family and I have dealt with this on a totally different level.
The only difference is that it involves my kids.
I need to be strong for them and honest,you are right smileygirl and BH.

i have prepared my son for death by making him understand that all things that begin have to end.

it is the cyclic nature of existence.

nothing can begin that does not have an end. he understands that, but has not had to actually deal with a death yet.

i think you should just tell the child the facts without resorting to religion etc. let them find their own belief

((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry, however my belief tells me there is an afterlife. Its still hard on those left behind, indeed.

My kids are 15 and 12. My oldest was only two when his brother passed away from Leukemia. He and my daughter both have grown up with grieving parents and so they know more and have experienced more than most of their friends. In a way, they are more humble.

I have always been honest with my children regarding any subject, even Santa. Telling them was in my opinion the right thing to do. Why shelter them from the world when you can teach them about the world and how to handle situations? Death is something we will all endure so teaching them your thoughts and beliefs will make this transition so much easier. They will feel comfortable to tell you their thoughts and beliefs and this will bring you closer. I think so anyway.

Again, ((((HUGS))))) and I am so sorry for your coming loss and pain. If I could take it away, I would !!!!!

Originally posted by kdog1982
He is still alive,yet we are planning his funeral and cremation.
I am currently deciding on having to go shopping for clothes for the kids and I for that.

How the freaking hell do you go shopping for clothes for attending someone's funeral before they are dead????????????????

I'm sorry,this was a mistake in reaching out for an answer that I already know.We have friends and family and I have dealt with this on a totally different level.
The only difference is that it involves my kids.
I need to be strong for them and honest,you are right smileygirl and BH.

Look at it as a blessing. You can prepare, if there is such a thing. We had two weeks with my grandfather. Some of the time he was in a coma. I whispered in his ear to come to me in my dreams and let me know what he was up to. He did!!! Three months later out of nowhere he came and we talked as if he were sitting right there. Very vivid!

Being strong for the kids is good. If you breakdown just let them know this is life.... it happens and its ok to cry. They understand more than you probably realize.

If he is in a coma like state, take the time and talk to him. Tell him not to be scared and how much you love him and are praying (if thats your thing) for his safe return home. Ask him to come to you in a way that you will understand and KNOW its him.

Is hospice around? They can be very comforting!!!

ETA; We had five years to prepare for my sons passing, however we never wanted to believe it was possible so the mistakes that wee made (looking back) was not comforting him and letting him know it was ok to let go and he was not to be scared.

The day he was passing he looked at me and said "Im scared"! UGH! I have never ever let anyone I know go without comforting their exit, since. If I had it to over again I would not have been scared to talk to him about it and to tell him all that I felt would be awaiting him in the after life.

Take this time as a blessing my friend. If there is anything you want to say... say it!

IT has been a very long time since I have felt such strong emotions,a very long time.
My father-in-law is like the dad I wish I had.
My wife's family is like the family I never had.
After 20 years,the new foundation that was built after meeting my wife has crumbled to the ground.

But I now have children that I must be strong for and to give them that foundation.

Crazy stuff we say after two nights in a hospital with an couple of hours sleep staring at someone gasping for that last breathe of life,but not giving up.

Thank you all for the kind words and inspirations.

Peace,
K

Kdog, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and continue to have a loving heart. My uncle had a severe stroke yesterday and has progressed to pallative care. His breathing is labored and morphine every two hours. They have told my aunt hours left. I am waiting to make arrangements to drive from Ky to Fl. Have mapped addresses for services and packed. Now just waiting. Prayers be with you. My mother is unable to make the trip but my brother will step in if Assisted Living needs us for anything she might need, he is not able to go because of work. Just wanted you to know when I saw your post, my heart sank, though I discovered I am not alone in this. May your wife find comfort knowing your kids are being guided by a very kind father.

My boys are little yet, just 3 and 5, but, I tell them that death is a part of life.

Its part of the cycle; natural, normal, and expected.

I always answer their questions as honestly as I possibly can, age appropriately of course.

Let them ask away and answer as sensitively, and as honestly, as you can.

I wish you well during what is an especially difficult time.

Originally posted by SunflowerStar
Kdog, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and continue to have a loving heart. My uncle had a severe stroke yesterday and has progressed to pallative care. His breathing is labored and morphine every two hours. They have told my aunt hours left. I am waiting to make arrangements to drive from Ky to Fl. Have mapped addresses for services and packed. Now just waiting. Prayers be with you. My mother is unable to make the trip but my brother will step in if Assisted Living needs us for anything she might need, he is not able to go because of work. Just wanted you to know when I saw your post, my heart sank, though I discovered I am not alone in this. May your wife find comfort knowing your kids are being guided by a very kind father.

Yes,sunflowerstar.Thank you and may you and yours find a peaceful end to this life.
We are not alone and it is a very difficult journey at times.

My 11 year old son asked why we were going to buy a suit tomorrow and I told him why.

Why am I posting this?
It's an outlet for my thought's that I have a hard time sharing until now.

Originally posted by Akragon
reply to post by kdog1982

 

My sincerest condolences my friend... Its a hard time for many at that point in life...

I work with it every day...

What are your views on death if you don't mind me asking?

Much love either way... have no fear

I will answer your question because the text messages and everything else has subsided,decisions been made and so on.
Ronnie has not died yet,but close.
At the onset he wanted to go home,but knew he was home.His house.But he wanted to go home.I kept asking him where that was ,and he was incoherent.
Then it was help me,help me,but we had no control because his wife had all control.

Where ever home is,he is there in spirit,but his body struggles to survive.

I don't have an answer for any views of death because I haven't been there yet.
But it's somewhere.
Maybe his body strives to stay here because it's somewhere he doesn't want to go.
Or maybe he is not ready yet.

All I know is,there is somewhere else that we call home,just don't know what it is.

All my life way down in my soul, I have consciously known, I just want to go home. It has manifested sometimes in my darkest days. Even in what we consider his being incoherent, isn't really at all. The letting go however was related in an earlier post. Assuring him its ok will make all the difference, sometimes it takes being told that a few times before he will let it happen. I was with my grandmother when she passed, and Auntie is asking me now for comparison cause she's not seen it first hand. I had her put the phone to Uncle's ear, and told him his sister, calling her by name, and I calling myself by name, he responded with a calm strong breath, then began his pattern again. She asked me what I told him, so I told her what I had said. The nurses told her hearing is the last to go, so call your wife and ask her to put the phone to his ear, right if he has had a stroke, or which ear he favored if not. Talk to him, tell him your love. Tell him the peace he longs for, tell him he can go home when he's ready. Call now if you can. Best regards, SfS.

reply to post by kdog1982
Be honest with your son, and if it wouldn't be too traumatic take the kids to see him one last time. When my husband's mother died it was at an out of town hospital and the kids didn't get the chance to see her one last time. They resent us for that. We thought we were protecting them but it hurt them way more not to be able to see her and say their goodbyes. If I could go back in time I would take them to see her, no matter how badly she was doing. Sometimes the children are wiser than we adults.

Originally posted by kdog1982
IT has been a very long time since I have felt such strong emotions,a very long time.
My father-in-law is like the dad I wish I had.
My wife's family is like the family I never had.
After 20 years,the new foundation that was built after meeting my wife has crumbled to the ground.

But I now have children that I must be strong for and to give them that foundation.

The best thing you can do for your children is to let them see you grieve.

Our society is so entrenched in the notion of the "macho man" who never cries or expresses his feelings. By allowing yourself to truly grieve, not only will you feel better, but you will teach your children a valuable lesson: that crying is not weakness, but necessary.

I wish I could give you a hug in real life. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you ever need to talk, vent, or just yell, I'm here.

reply to post by kdog1982


I understand how you feel, Kdog.
Your'e a good person, i've read lots of your posts.
Smyleegrl is right again.
Be Emontionaly honest with your kids.
You guide their emotional development at all ages.
Seeing how you deal with this will give them emotional guidance now and later in life.

If he was the foundation, then you are the house.
His lessons and shared experiences are the bricks and mortar.
Your kids live in your house.
Your house is furnished and decorated with emotion.

Let them share your grief and show them how you manage it positively.

A death is the beginning of another life,
when a Man becomes a memory,
a Family shaped anew.
But you have learned your lessons
so now it's up to you.

I wish you and your family strength to get through these times.

Originally posted by Theflyingweldsman
reply to post by kdog1982

 

I understand how you feel, Kdog.
Your'e a good person, i've read lots of your posts.
Smyleegrl is right again.
Be Emontionaly honest with your kids.
You guide their emotional development at all ages.
Seeing how you deal with this will give them emotional guidance now and later in life.

If he was the foundation, then you are the house.
His lessons and shared experiences are the bricks and mortar.
Your kids live in your house.
Your house is furnished and decorated with emotion.

Let them share your grief and show them how you manage it positively.

A death is the beginning of another life,
when a Man becomes a memory,
a Family shaped anew.
But you have learned your lessons
so now it's up to you.

I wish you and your family strength to get through these times.

These are my thoughts also. I think this post is the best.

My thoughts and prayers for your family Kdog.
Peace be with you.

Ronnie went home at 11:00 pm est on 2/17/2013.

Around 10,my wife called saying I needed to come back to the hospital.
I arrived around 10:30.
Shortly after,his older sister from California arrived.
Within 5 minutes of her arrival,he let out his last breath.
He was waiting for her before he had to go.

It was truly amazing.I felt no sadness,but joy.

On his way out I told him to have a cold beer ready for me I come.

My buddy is at peace now.

reply to post by kdog1982


Condolences Kdog and thank you for sharing your experience.

I just came back in from the Garden.

Please bear with me, there is a point to this:

I was feeding the birds when I spotted a little dead blue tit.

It was laying with it's face down and it's wings folded gracefully, like an Angel half-under an ivy leaf.

It reminded me of our pet budgie, Bobby. He was tame and highly intellegent and could talk.

One day, my wife suggested that we smoke cigarettes on the balcony.

As we went out, Bobby folowed us. And he was gone.

Weeks later, my Wife insisted that Bobby was outside.

As I open the window I was overwhelmed by a huge presence in the room.

I could feel a familiar bird on my shoulder.

I recognised it as Bobbys spirit or soul,

but it was enormous. it filled the room with Love and peace.

It was Bobby, but he was now somehow bigger than before,

as if in Life a huge soul had been squeezed into a tiny body.

I think it's the same with people too.

They become more than they were within this mortal coil.

Truly part of God.

Enjoy your beer.

You deserve it.